In a similar vein to Sue W’s thread about a new relationship, I have a question for the panel regarding a longer relationship.

A bit over 2.5 years we’ve been together. It was long distance but she moved up with me with her 2 kids. Things were going well but the transition for me from almost complete freedom, being away biking and boating most weekends to picking kids up from school most days, going to parks and lots of time at home has not been an easy one. However, I’ve copied with it well mostly I’d say. I love the kids and them me but I feel a bit of resentment creeping in for them taking my freedom away and I don’t want to feel like that.

She’s not really made much effort to make friends up here as she says she is too busy with work etc and so I think she expects me to be around even more. I do want to do the family thing but I also NEED my own space sometimes, it’s very difficult for her to accept that I think.

We bicker quite a lot and generally seem to get on each others nerves but we are very affectionate. Having said that we do have ‘bedroom issues’ and have not been that way inclined for quite a while.

I feel she has still got one foot in the place she used to live and so is not fully committing to a life with me. She says she loved who I was when she meet me but that doesn’t seem to translate to giving me more freedom. She also earns twice what I do and although she pays for kids stuff like clothes and after school club etc, I pay half the bills for house and shopping etc.
I basically can’t seem to get through the month now with my pay whereas she is managing to save and spend loads on what she likes.

Basically, when do you know it’s time to go? Even though there are tons of things you love about her and the relationship, when does the balance tip to the leaving?

She says she loved who I was when she meet me

Well, think you have answered that yourself

If you stay there will be trouble.

When your asking others

If you go it will be double.

Basically, when do you know it’s time to go?

When they say stuff like this:

She says she loved who I was when she meet me

That’s a past tense in there mate.

welcome to life mate!
It would appear you’re already married. It doesn’t get much better.

Bedroom issues will probably be a symptom of other things wrong.

Yo must get money issues sorted – otherwise resentment will fester.

My take – you both need to sit down calmly and work out where it is going wrong and why and then decide if you want to fix it. Get professional help to do this if needed. My view couples need to have a “deal” that works for them.

then decide whether to stay or go.

It doesn’t sound a very fair relationship though – you are struggling to cope with your money yet she saves and spends.

I don’t ever recall being in a serious relationship where I wouldn’t share my fortune or expect it shared with me when I’m broke.

Its good that you have done the right thing and thought of the kids first. They wont be dissapointed at all.

Welcome to the real life of cohabiting and kids. It is what it is, for most people, if you are not up to it do everyone a favour and jump in your lifeboat soonest.

Yep, yes she’s earning more than you, but if you’re paying half and have no money left then thats were the resentment would be coming from. If you can sort out a more even mehtod of paying bills etc then that would help im sure.

It doesn’t sound a very fair relationship though – you are struggling to cope with your money yet she saves and spends.

I don’t ever recall being in a serious relationship where I wouldn’t share my fortune or expect it shared with me when I’m broke.

2 sides to every story……we only have one of them?

funny, i watched american beauty just last night. this sounds like the same kind of thing.

do whatever makes you happy.

my wife says it seems a big jump from most of the story to deciding it’s time to go. she also wants to know how old you are.

i say, if you’re asking about whether it’s time to call it a day, it probably is.

Things don’t sound great from your description, tbh.
Struggling to balance family / me time is par for the course, though – everyone here with kids knows that feeling, thinking back to how things used to be different etc. So I wouldn’t take that as a negative symptom, sounds like you’ve done well to adjust to such a change in the first place.

2 sides to every story……we only have one of them?

Agreed but I can only base an opinion based on the facts I know.

OH has a similar takehome to me and minimal outgoings and I pay all the household bills and food shopping. Solution; she transfers me a chunk of money by DD on the first of the month. Simples.

If that is an honest appraisal of where you think the relationship is now, and if you recall being happier single without/ before her, then you are best off out of it.

Talk to her. Maybe all this lot above are right, but there are also plenty of examples of peeps who have a bad patch and can and do get through it.

It takes 2 to tango, and 2 to make a relationship work, you both need to talk TO EACH OTHER and posibly to Relate, but basicly youre talking about what married life is like for a lot of people its not all luvy dovy etc.

you need to sort the money issue out first as this is not being shared fairly and this will annoy you over time…you have sacrficed a afia rbit and now wshe has money and you have none…it will annoy you

As for the rest you need to either work at it or leave

I’d say leave from the facts presented. The fact that your asking us lot speaks volumes.

I was in a similar situation but the child was ours, i worked 12hr days all week and wanted to do my own stuff now and again, she worked part time and needed/wanted me around all weekends. All her family lived 30 miles away, and she didn’t get on with them too well.

She couldn’t understand my need for my own time, she done my head in, we split up and now i’m with another lady and am much happier.

You can walk away with no ties, do it.

how healthy do you think a relationshop is when you feel the need to discuss it with a bunch of random strangers on the internet when you should be discussing it with your partner?

How have your costs increased?

Surely:

– going halves on rent/mortgage and bills should have reduced them (assuming you lived on your own previously)
– not going away at weekends on biking/boating trips saves you money

Sit down and talk it through with her, only you can make the decision. Nothing is impossible if the both of you are prepared to work together and change the things that are causing the resentment/problems.

You can walk away with no ties, do it.

Even though the kids are not his there will still be a bond, this will still form a basis of the decision.

From your portrayal she’s looking after herself, and you’re looking aster her kids. I wouldn’t be happy with that and I don’t
think you are either

You must get money issues sorted – otherwise resentment will fester

Thanks TJ, I think you are right. We are not the best at talking things through though really. I perhaps don’t say exactly what I think, and thats mostly as she gets upset very easily and will often just run off so as a consequence I think I avoid telling things how they are…

2 sides to every story……we only have one of them?

Quite true, although I am seriously not one to put a shine on my angle and lie about hers.
I think she would probably say that since moving away from her mum and her friends that she doesn’t have the support network she had before, though obviously now she has me and my mum and sisters etc but of course, its not what she is used to. We also now live in the midlands, and she came from the Coast and so misses the sea, as you would, but the main reason she moved up was at the time she had been made redundant and I had a good and steady job, the like of which could not be repeated the 150 or so miles away where she lived.

funny, i watched american beauty just last night. this sounds like the same kind of thing.

do whatever makes you happy

Brilliant film, but god, I hope its not a true reflection of my life. I am mostly pretty happy but prone to depression(isn’t everyone these days..) but the issue is, I want to think of my long term happiness but currently my head is in a mess, I need some space to think but can’t get any because life gets in the way.

Basically, when do you know it’s time to go?

When they say stuff like this:

She says she loved who I was when she met me

That’s a past tense in there mate.

Sorry, I don’t mean she doesn’t like me now. I meant that when things have bubbled up before and I’ve told her I am unhappy about having so little time to do my biking etc and generally be myself, she has said that yes, its very important for me to do all that and she knows that, that was the person she went for at the start of it all.

how healthy do you think a relationshop is when you feel the need to discuss it with a bunch of random strangers on the internet when you should be discussing it with your partner?.

I have tried to discuss it with her but its incredibly difficult and emotional, I need some distance to think.
Also, I find that there have been some sensitive issues discussed on here before and folk have been really helpful and understanding. The anonymity of it all allows me to speak more freely. Of course this isn’t my only port of call. I can speak to my Mum and sisters and several friends but to be honest, I saw Sue’s post and I’ve been having a particularly wobbly day so thought I’d ask here for quick opinion.

How have your costs increased?

Surely:

– going halves on rent/mortgage and bills should have reduced them (assuming you lived on your own previously)
– not going away at weekends on biking/boating trips saves you money

I previously shared a rented house with two friends. We’d lived there for 6 years and the rent had stayed at £600pcm.
I now live in a 3 bed rented, £800pcm and everything split down the middle, I can’t compete really…
Not going away biking/kayaking saves me money sure, but thats not sustainable for me, I need adventure and fun.

You can walk away with no ties, do it.

Even though the kids are not his there will still be a bond, this will still form a basis of the decision.

Very true, I love the kids, they are great kids and as I say, I really don’t want to start to resent them but I do so much for them and don’t particularly get any thanks(I have to remember they are kids)
My mum had a serious relationship when I was growing up and that ended and I remember how devastated I was too…

my wife says it seems a big jump from most of the story to deciding it’s time to go. she also wants to know how old you are

I think things have been up and down for a while. We have a history of periods of problems but also some fantastic times together in some fantastic places. I am 38 by the way, kids are 6 & 8…

From your portrayal she’s looking after herself, and you’re looking after her kids

Sorry if I gave that impression. Not at all, she dotes on the kids and does everything for them and makes a lot of personal sacrifices for them. She just wants us to be some catalogue family I think, all together all the time and gloriously happy. I need some space for myself sometimes is all and the transition from bachelor to doing the school run and football training has been quite a learnig curve…

You came across quite badly in the OP, but sound a lot more sensible there. 1) talk, regularly and frankly – you need to build up to this as it’ll involve stuff on both sides you wont like hearing, and both need time to come to terms with unpalatable stuff 2) approach it differently. OH needs time off too, but may not realise it, start trading time slots of ‘space’ for each other.

Aye that may have come across as harsh mate, but she seems to want to be a partnership when it comes to childcare, but not when it comes to finances. Theres a lack of balance there IMO.

Sounds to me like you weren’t being yourself when you met her (honeymoon period) and now you have reverted to type.

I think you’ve to be realistic, if you can’t talk about this to her without her getting upset you may be just storing up more trauma.

I believe if couples can’t talk openly about everything they shouldn’t be together.

Good luck, i wish you well.

Buy a calendar, one with columns for you, her and the kids. Agree that each of you can have 1 weekend day for yourself – and write it on when you aim to do something. And also add family events. Works for us.

As for the money, you need to discuss it – but it could also be that she’s got ‘debts’ you don’t know about?

If you want to stay the first issues to sort are the bedroom issues. It’s much easier to negociate after a reassuring shag.

Leave? Why?

All you need is one weekend a month where you can go away and do your hobbies and one day each weekend where you ride each day.

A sort of destress/chillout break.

Start your ride ultra early which means you can be back for happy afternoon with your weekend away once a month.

Don’t bicker, just say the exerecise helps you unwind. Its very very difficult for a non-biker to understand.

From a young age I wandered through woods and fields. My partner spent her time in Urbania.

She’d soon see a more chilled you

If you cannot talk to her openly, try writing it down in a letter and getting her to do the same. Read each others letter, give each other time to respond , then see what changes you can both make, based on the issues you each have.
She sounds like she wants the ‘family unit’ and is worried that when you spend time alone, it means you don’t want the same. She knows you had lots of freedom when you met and is scared that if you carry on that way now, you may want all that freedom back again.
So she wants you to spend all your spare time with her, to make sure you are a family, but this conversly is pushing you away and creating the situation she most fears;
that you may leave and she be a single parent again, away from her support network and be left completely alone.

That’s just my take on it anyway. I may be wrong.

However, lack of communication is the root of many relationship problems. Hope you can sort it out.

Do you love her?

Then put up and shut up.

Most couples who have children end up in a similar state, i.e. the amount of time that you have for your own activities are very limited. For most couples it comes on gradually, you start with one baby and end up with two or more children – where you have leapt out of one life and into another. As such the changes to your life are huge.

I was lucky, my better half and I worked out a way of doing our own things as well as family things. It was not perfect, but it just about worked out. Our children are now 18 and 20 and I am having to relearn how to fill my own time, rather than be child focused.

Have you talked to you partner about this. And I mean talked and discussed it. Is she aware of how unhappy you are? Have you worked out what you want – do you want one day a month of ‘your’ time – one weekend a month, every other weekend? From the sounds of it there is a large part of your life that you like, but it needs to be adjusted.

Financially you sound like you are two people renting a house together, rather than a couple living together. Have you talked to her about you finances and how it appears (to you) that you are worse off. She may not be aware, or may be aware but just ignoring it. As the higher wage earner she should expect to contribute more, added to the fact that she brought three people into the relationship, in effect you are subsidising her. As such it is not unreasonable to expect you to feel pissed off.

At the root of all this is communication. You need to talk to her, if necessary with some professional help.

It is an incredible transition from a single life to sharing it with kids. There can be compromises, but you will never have that level of freedom in this relationship. Equally, you’ll get enormous joy from helping to raise those kids. Choose what you want, and make it happen. If you shy away from communication, the choice will be made for you and both of you remain unhappy until then. If you need assistance, try relate.

I’d agree that the money situation doesn’t seem right. In a committed long term relationship, you should be rich or poor together.

Giving up money and spare time for *your* children is one thing. I’ve done it and it’s worth it.

Giving it up for someone else’s children? Perhaps you’re just a better person than me, but I couldn’t do it. At least not for long.

Even if the sex was amazing.

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Always tease tease tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine, next day is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!

This indecision’s bugging me
Esta indecision me molesta
If you don’t want me, set me free
Si no me quieres, librame
Exactly whom I’m supposed to be
Dime que tengo que ser
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
¿sabes que ropas me quedan?
Come on and let me know
Me tienes que decir
Should I cool it or should I blow?
¿me debo ir o quedarme?

I do so much for them and don’t particularly get any thanks

Genuine LOL moment there – welcome to my world. At 6 and 8 they’ll be coming mountain biking with you, surely? I started MTB’ing because the kids wanted to. It’s not as fast and GRRRR as on my own, but there is a lot of satisfaction watching their skills improve.

Your partner sounds committed but shy. And you just need to talk about your need for the occasional “ME Time” with her.