Hi all

I am in the process of separating from my wife of 11 years.I

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m finding hard to adjust to realising ,that I am now by myself.

Trying to be strong for the kids,and try to keep their lives normal as possible,but it is very hard.

Anybody here been in the same postion?

What did you do to cope?

Yes about 2 years ago.

It is very hard at first, be prepared for up to 12-18 months of feeling like this.

But it does get better, try and keep occupied during the time you are not with the kids, get out on the bike more, or whatever else interests you.

Spend more time with friends, the sort of things you perhaps gave up when you got married.

And when you are with the kids make more effort to make that time extra special.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible anaesthetic.

You will get through this, believe me, good luck.

Thank you James.Bike is proving to be a great distraction at the moment.Even better with the good weather we have been experincing.
I am going to put my name down for a local 10k run,in October which will give me another focus.

I`m sure I will feel a bit better oonce I have moved out of the matrimonial home,but until the financial situation is sorted

Exactly what James said. Happened to me many 6-7yrs ago. Do things you've missed out on whilst married. Try to keep friendly/civil with your wife and enjoy your time with the kids.

I found out who my real mates where during that time.

Since then I've remarried and I'm much happier than I was then.

The first few months is the hardest as you get a new routine.

Good luck

Seperation, its one big roller coaster of emotions. I walked away about 18 months ago and everything James said is true.

Dont argue or criticise their mum in front of them either.

You WILL also find out who your REAL friends are too. Im in the same position regarding the finances but moved back to my parents and gave the ex the option to buy me out or sell up and split the equity when she can afford it. Id rather it wasnt sold as I dont want the kids uprooted.

I met someone about a year ago and Iv never been happier in a relationship than I am now.

yep, 10 years moved away. stay away from drink & drugs they wont help you, try redecorating and live every day as a new day, work like hell and throw yourself into the things that you love doing. Above all try to smile, if it gets on top of you remember you're not alone, this shit happens and well, I just keep tellin myself life goes on. keep smiling mate 🙂

Excellent advice above, I would just like to add, whatever you do, don't drink more than you would normally "to cheer yourself up".

Long walks in the hills and then later joining a mtb club got me healthy and "in circulation" again.

It took me the best part of 2 years to really come to terms with it and sort myself out.

I now live in the South of France, and life is good. You just don't know what's around the corner so just hang on in there. It really all does pan out in the end.
Best o luck

Unless your soon-to-be-ex is a complete headcase, remain friendly. No, you're not together anymore, but you have to get on for the sake of the kids, and unless the breakup is occasioned by some particular transgression on one side or the other, there's no reason for you to hate each other.

Money will almost certainly be tight – you have to run 2 houses rather than one, maybe run an extra car, that sort of thing. This means that everyone in the family (kids included) will have a drop in their standard of living.

I assume that you'll soon move out? In which case you'll have loads of free time to fill, but bear in mind that your ex will have her hands full with the kids and will rarely get a break. Offer to look after the kids more than you need to, make sure you're being fair.

Don't prioritise your work. Yes, you need to make a living, but now's the time to ensure that you retain the relationship with your children. Make time for them, even if it's a PITA at times. If that means you have to miss out on riding at weekends, so be it; there's no such thing as an easy divorce, after all.

i found seperation made me go up hills faster and the throwing myself down gnarly chutes much easier, channel that anger and frustration!

on a serious note, now is the time to rely on friends, try and keep yourself occupied "thinking" about stuff was my worst problem, 3 years down the line i'm the happiest i've probably ever been, there is light at the end of the tunnel

It begins as gut-wrenchingly awful, it stays awful for a while, but it will get better. Eventually it will be okay.

Key thing for my ex and I was to remain friends, we'd been through too much for too long to throw it away, especially as there was no guilty party. It's hard at first, the temptation is often there to make a spiteful comment or argue over something for the sake of it, but we managed to avoid it and are healthier individually and collectively for it.

We had no kids, so I can't really comment on that part, but from experiences with others I'd say that you have to remember that you're still a parent 'partnership'. As others have said, don't criticise or disagree woth their mum in front of them.

Oh, and if you need to, cry. If that means you have to take a wander around the work car park, do it. Their were times when I bawled like a baby, but best to let it out.

Chin up fella.

Thanks for the advice so far.
I am trying to take one day at a time so far.
I am fine whilst I am out at work or with friends but can

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d move out but until we sell the house and each downsize there is no money in the pot for me to rent and I don`t really have any options to live rent free with friends as that have families.

Some days I am quite positive about the future,and the possibilty of meeting someone new,but its too easy to get caught up with the issue of worrying about finances,kids,security of a roof ove my head,and so on.

Anyway,some good adive.Thanks to those that have taken the time to reply.

Oh, and if you need to, cry. If that means you have to take a wander around the work car park, do it. Their were times when I bawled like a baby, but best to let it out.

+1 and not afraid to admit it

Cried a few times the first week or so,but though I have times where i am very low,I haven

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d feel better if I could but just can`t…..

One other question,at one point did you feel like you could move on?

All excellent advice above. Crucial to stay on good terms with the ex, stay constructive & emotionally mature 🙂 – beware if solicitors get involved as they will certainly create conflict if possible. Be a positive and loving dad and those ties will strengthen whatever the family situation.
Philisophically, remember that you cannot predict the future – it never turns out how you dread.

Took me at least 12-18 months before my head was clear to move onto a relationship with someone else.

All advise above is spot on, only thing i can add is when you're ready get yourself signed up to some dating web-sites for a bit of fun! Plenty single women out there just be careful as they're all looking for settling down, i worked on a 2-3 week cycle then moved on to the next.

Dipping your toe in fresh water certainly helps with the healing process

One other question,at one point did you feel like you could move on?

That's something only you can find out for yourself I'm afraid, although it's probably longer than you think. I look back at some things I did now, that seemed reasonable at the time, but I now know that I did because I hadn't 'moved on', or at least wasn't thinking properly.

But I was pretty much there, say 75%, after 12-18 months, two and half years now and its 99%. I doubt the 1% will ever come though, it's a pretty traumatic thing.

I must admit,I have already window shopped the dating websites….
There

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t quite muster the enthusiasm to sign up yet.

Which probably means my head isn

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d meet a bunny bolier and make an already difficult situation a whole lot more complicated……! 😆

I'd keep away from the dating websites for a while if I was you. Bunny boilers can sniff out a guy in crisis like an addict after brown.

You've got enough of your own sh1tt to sort out IMVHO. Don't go looking for complications 😀

Chin up. eHugs. Take care of the kids and don't forget to take care of you too.

Its difficult isn't it?

I'm pretty much at the same position as you. You will most definately find out who your friends really are. I found it quite difficult to cope with a lot of peoples reaction. I'm afraid that no matter how liberal people like to say they are, when things like a separation happen, you'd think from some peoples reaction, that it was the 1950's.

On the opposite side of that, some people will be amazingly supportive and just generally wonderful

Good luck fella. Concentrate on the good stuff.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. As IHN, I had no children to worry about but all the advice is given above is excellent

One other question,at one point did you feel like you could move on?

Took 2 years for me. It wasn't a case of waking up one morning and suddenly thinking life is great, but an upward trajectory – from a very low point – to being OK/happy/confident/content.

I'd keep away from the dating websites for a while if I was you. Bunny boilers can sniff out a guy in crisis like an addict after brown.

lol. tis true

Some days I am quite positive about the future,and the possibilty of meeting someone new…

For the sake of yourself and whoever you may meet down the road, get over this break-up before you get involved with another person. Make sure that you've learned all you can from what went wrong before you let somebody else fall in love with you. As others have said, staying away from relationships for now will also reduce the chances of getting hooked by a mental.

hooked by a mental.

Beautifully put there TF 🙂

This may be my new favourite mysogynistic expression. 🙂

get a single bed was the best thing for me stops your mind playing games with you as you try to sleep.next is to just let it go something better will come your way later all is not lost.if money lets you take the bike on holiday and forget your problems at home, OH and try not to bore people with your hard luck stories we have all done it but people will run a mile to get away from you trust your friends only with that stuff 😉 chin up

Single bed ? where are you going to take the birds you pull?

I haven't got anything sensible to offer, so I'll just wish you the very best of luck.

Do feel free to post again, if you are in a particularly bad place and need some support.

x

Thanks all,some good advice there,which I shall try to heed.

Think I`ll avoid the bunny boilers for now,but if any of you are in this part of Hertfordshire and want to recruit a new riding buddy (road or mtb) feel free to give me a shout.I

Weekends may be tricky,due to time with the kids,but I shall have lots of spare evenings…..

hooked by a mental.

Beautifully put there TF

2nd that! 😆

I got lucky when i split with my ex (2 young kids), as my work suddenly meant i was away 5 days a week – lived on expenses (probably drank and 'whored' more than i should've) and had the kids every other weekend.
But whatever happens stay friendly and make sure you both avoid the CSA.

I split from my ex nearly 4 years ago and even though there was nothing there it still hurts. I must admit I didn't stay friends and even today we barely speak but I endured a long period of verbal abuse and I mean nasty shit too. She drank quite a bit, never ate anything and this didn't help with her moods but when we did part it was me who kicked her out and the kids stayed with me as they knew who had looked after them while they were growing up. They're still here now and I'm so grateful and happy they saw the truth between their mum and me.
I went shopping one day and saw her hand in hand with someone and I didn't react at first but minutes later I was shaking really bad. I went back to work and my boss told me go home and I was so angry I phoned her and gave her a right mouthfull. After I put the phone down I thought what a prat and ever since then it's not bothered me one single bit!
Must admit, the advice on drink is good – I didn't bother as I just got on with life as I'm sure you will so all the best and chin up.

I ended up with a stunning younger girl after I split with my partner a few years back, and couldnt believe my luck. Helped me get over the old relationship, but the most true thing I learned from the whole experience was…. Fit, Sane, Single…. choose any two 😀 She turned out to be a bit too challenging on the same front! However I have met a new woman and have been blissfully happy for the past 5 years. So it can all end well. Not a nice thing to say, but a new woman can help ease the pain of the old, but as long as you are clear that you arent after anything serious. That transient relationship probably wont be a long termer but will serve a purpose. Hope this helps, and doesnt sound too mercenary!

I split with my ex after 10 years. Went to Botswana to live with my dad for 18 months. Did wonders to get over her. Came back. Puttered about on my own with my mates for a couple of years then met the current Mrs Admiralable. We've been together for 3 years now and have a kid and we're both so happy together. She's kicked me to touch and made me grow up quickly. She was in a bad state when I met her. Suffered from depression after her ex messed her around and cheated on her. She's much happier now.

Just keep plugging away. Take each day as it comes and you'll get through it.

Maybe an interesting side note to the story. My ex is now with what used to be my best mate. She won't let him see me now though. 😥

I think Marshalls Cycles do an off-road night ride on Thursdays, might only be in the winter tho, starts from somewhere in Welwyn. The Hertford shop number is 01992 503868.

Watton Wheelers ride regularly – (although some rides are rather sedentary) – http://www.wattonwheelers.org.uk/

CTC Herts – http://www.ctcherts.org.uk/

There are a few riders in Herts who are on here. Post that you would like to meet them?

I split from my partner/fiancee of 9yrs in November '08.

It hurt like hell to be honest & i came very – extremely – close to topping myself before i realised & spoke to the doctor.
I wish i could say i was mature enough to stay friends with the ex but i can't. I never want to see her, speak to her ever again and as she's moving to Brussels i think that's a given! 😆

It does get easier and eventually you will be able to go a day without thinking of her every 2 minutes.

I know how it feels too! My ex tried to destroy my life after running off with my boss.
Try to think positive thoughts and remember… as one door closes, another one opens.
You'll look back on it all one day and realise it was for the best!