> me, man, 44, been in relationship 16 years, 2 children 10 and 7

> situation, relationship has gone from the passion of my life to now barely tolerant/tolerable flatmates with children, not much personal interaction unless it involves talking about the kids, family dynamics etc. Pretty much sex free, sill naked spoon at night (which is lovely, feeling quickly evaporates), comfortable but no passion.

> situation seems to be getting worse, I’m increasingly miserable withdrawn – depressed?, feel hopeless. She increasingly vituperative, passive aggressive, miserable.

> Looking for best outcome, for the children, for us. Do I wait it out for 10 years until the children are “old enough” – don’t think I can make it. Don’t want to echo my parent miserable 5 decade marriage.

> Question; is there anyway back from this? Can relationships be re-booted or should I accept the inevitable (?) and break up my family. Feel like I’ve checked out already but “staying for Birthday/Christmas/Whatever”

Help please.

Depending how fast my typing is, may I be the first to suggest Relate/counselling.

Have you discussed your feelings about the current state of things with your missus?

My parents loved each other loads until I was about 10, then hated each other until very recently. I’m 32. They had a proper sit down and talked about everything, now they go away for weekend breaks together and I’ve never seen them happier.

Have a chat about it, and see what happens.

feel for you man, reluctant to give any advice as it may be wrong.
in a similar situation as you 10 years ago.
our split was forced on us but it was probably the best thing that happened to both of us, at that time!!
i met and am in a a relationship with a wonderful girl, but my ex poisoned the kids view on me. My step daughter hasnt really talked to me since i left, and my son cant be bothered and doesnt get in touch anymore.
so for me, the cost of freedom and a new relationship with a new partner was not seeing the kids, tough choice.
if i had known what i know now before the break up, i would have done exactly the same, but found a different way to perpetuate the relationship with the children, not sure what though?
oh and it wasnt exactly financially beneficial for me 🙁

good luck, maybe put it to one side, enjoy the kids and spooning with the missus until after xmas at least

Pretty common scenario I would have said. Are you prepared to put in the hard work?

Like Lester I too am reluctant to give advice. Since you are still together it’s not over yet, find some time after Xmas so that you can talk to one another so that you each know how the other feels. Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

Not uncommon. You have identified the issue, as others have said it is her you need to be discussing it with, not us. Find some time after the whirl of Christmas to have a proper chat. She may be wondering the same thing. Some counselling will at least help you understand where you are if nothing else.

You at least asked how to get back to a relationship, not how to get out of it, so if she feels the same, there is hope.

(Been through low points of our own, usually due to being too busy and stressed with stuff to spend any time together and reconnect with why we got together in the first place)

In a very similar situation myself. I’ve planned to give my lad the best christmas yet before breaking the bad news that his dad is moving out in the new year. I will spend as much time with him as I can and try my best to remain on friendly terms with his mum. I’m anticipating tough times ahead but know deep down that a change is long overdue.

We’ve tried ‘rebooting’ a couple of times over the last few years and she’s still willing to attempt again but I’m all done. It’s properly heartwrenching to know that I’ll be turning my boys life upside down, I will try to make amends on every possible occasion.

Good luck with your situation, its a tough spot to be in.

Where is hora when you need him…

Yes there are ways back, and from your first post this bit sticks out a mile:

I’m increasingly miserable withdrawn – depressed?, feel hopeless.

Go to your GP, try as best you can to sort yourself out before you do anything else

Been there, run away (with another woman), slept at my dads for three months, eventually sorted myself out-ish.

Do everything you can to make sure that you are not the problem…

Good Luck.

All of the above !,been there done that !,left my wife 5 years ago about now with 2 kids now 22 & 24,I’m now remarried,to a great girl 7 years younger too !,is the grass greener ?…errr,some days!.

sharklaser the answer to me is really simple. Go out with your partner without the kids. Go away for a weekend without the kids. Seems un-parently and cruel as our parents in the 70/80’s wouldn’t have done this but then they did what you/me did and plod along hurting a great couple.

You don’t even have to go far- at first your wife will say ‘whats the post- the cost for little distance etc/is it worth going away’? Leave kids with family member and get a nice hotel, go out, get drunk- it REALLY will feel like you are having something naughty, almost like an affair.

We get so enveloped in our child(rens) lives that we forget to also live our own. From what you write- it doesn’t look anywhere near broke to me. Certainly no where near the place where you’d write ‘shes 7yrs younger than me’ and add a !.

Book it/arrange it then reveal it to her. TRY it- if I’m wrong I’ll eat my hat.

Oh god, I’m agreeing with hora 🙂

We try to make a point of getting away from the kids at least once a year, it makes a huge difference. Particularly when they’re small you end up running around after them as if they’re the most important things in the world, while forgetting that you and your wife are no less important too. Slowly the day-to-day of family life and work extinguishes the passion.

Leave the kids with a grandparent, and go for a dirty weekend to a pretty or interesting place a couple of hundred miles away – or a city break to Paris / Lisbon / Madrid / Rome…

crikey – Member
Yes there are ways back, and from your first post this bit sticks out a mile:

I’m increasingly miserable withdrawn – depressed?, feel hopeless.
Go to your GP, try as best you can to sort yourself out before you do anything else

Using my alter ego for this thread, but a massive, massive +1 for what crikey said.

18 months ago my wife was on the verge of leaving me. Not because she didn’t love me anymore, but because I was so hard to live with. The realisation that there was a realistic prospect that my family (3 kids – 12, 6 and 3) might be torn apart was the catalyst that got me to the doctor to admit that I was having near constant suicidal thoughts, and onto some meds. Fast forward to now, and these have gone. I won’t bore you with the details, suffice to say that once I started seeing an experienced and well qualified (and not cheap) psychologist/counsellor (no offence to the NHS CBT but for me it was bullshit), he identified the cause of my problems pretty much straight away (which were from a dysfunctional upbringing) and set about dealing with these, which has actually been remarkably simple. My relationship with my wife and kids is infinitely better, and the suicidal thoughts haven’t plagued me for several months now.

Sorry to waffle/digress, my point is that I pretty much did what crikey is advising you to do, and the outcome has been brilliant.

All the best.

As an opposite point of view to the “i had two miserable parents” type advise. I had one parent ( father died when I was 2, so cant really blame him) my son will not go through that. Its what spurs me on to make the effort when jacking it in would be easier.

I disagree with the GP visit. The cause can be pointed towards taking yourself off the ‘line. Away from the action (kids) and having R&R. Does wonders for the moral.

(Sorry for the war reference 8) )

I’d only go to a GP if I had a happy home, everyone was happy and it was me down/depressed and pulling everyone down. To me it, its look at the basics first.

sharklaser- when did you last buy mrsSharklaser a present for no reason? Do it. Buy flowers- anything, cheesy but it works!

You have great advice above. Just to add, if it can be saved try as hard as you can. If it all works out the kids may never know you and your partner have given the best present of all. Get talking and try as hard as you can, it may hurt but if you still love her you need to work for it. Think through what the alternative may be, it’s not a sparkly new life I can assure you.

Sorry to go on. The very best you and your family.

Some good advice given above.

I would say that the fact that you evidently want to rescue the relationship, would definitely suggest that it is salvageable 🙂

Not quite the same as yourself, no kids but were together for nearly 10 years….. i became withdrawn i guess and we drifted apart to the extent we were flatmates but slept in the same bed. We didn’t really do anything together and had no common interests, i couldn’t/wouldn’t discuss my feelings with her and her with me, she was really frustrated and when things came to a head she became really nasty in the things she would say and this pushed us further apart. The relationship finally ended and she moved out to go back to her parents of all places (at the age of 32) so living with me mast’ve been bad! 🙁 That was 18 months ago and i can honestly say i’ve regretted what happened every day since, i haven’t been able to move on and i’m completely miserable in every aspect of life……..i barely even ride my bike these days! 🙁 My advice for what its worth is do everything you can to rectify/save the relationship not just for the kids but for you and your partner because whats right for you will work for the kids. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ve tried and you’ll be able to move on, hopefully much happier.

Good luck 🙂

There is a lot of good advice here and I’ll just add a couple of personal notes. The “Festive” season will heighten the feeling of desperation on all sides. It is a stressed period for one reason or another so leave the much needed discussions till there is less pressure. Also stay away from us! If you keep popping off to check the advice on here it will heighten your anxiety about what to do and raise suspicions when you don’t give a coherent answer. Bizarrely whilst you are looking for ways to restore the relationship, your behaviour might well be sending other odd signals.

And its not greener on the other side at all. It took me 10 years to sort myself out. Happily thank goodness.

Leave the kids with a grandparent, and go for a dirty weekend to a pretty or interesting place a couple of hundred miles away

This sounds great but what if grand parents are unable/unwilling/too far away to look after the children or the kids simple don’t want to stay with them?

Gotta be fixable if you want it to be.

Some good advice up there. Buy MrsS a nice pressie, book a weekend away without the kids, nice dinner with a couple of drinks, perhaps get a sexy film to watch (relationship counselling type films can be pretty spicy these days – not going to post a link as the ban hammer would hurt, but Google for Sinclair Institute) and generally have a great evening together. Talk to MrsS about wanting to sort it out – it sounds as though you want to sort it rather than ditching it.

Good luck and I hope you can fix it.

This sounds great but what if grand parents are unable/unwilling/too far away to look after the children or the kids simple don’t want to stay with them?

Negatives are not going to help fix things.

I’ve been in a similar situation myself also with children involved.

At the time I felt alone and depressed with no way that I could see to get out of the situation. In the end I ended the marriage and left. I have good access to my son and am happier and healthier than i was at the time.

It was a hard road to take but worth it for me.

Only you really know if your relationship is worth saving…

Drop me an email (it’s in my profile) if you want a chat

This sounds great but what if grand parents are unable/unwilling/too far away to look after the children or the kids simple don’t want to stay with them?

I have this- my Mum would love to look after ours but she has illness at the moment and the MiL has turned a wee bit selfish.

So its sisters, brothers, in laws. They know the score.

If someone in your immediate family is unwilling – I’d be more than inclined to park anything to do with them. Harsh but you do things for each other, even if its going out of your way now and again.

epo-aholic – in your particular situation you are in a cycle- have you lost anyone (bereavement) that has affected you? I would seriously go and see a GP. There is nothing wrong with discussing depression- IF it is. Its affecting now and your future happiness atthe moment.

This sounds great but what if grand parents are unable/unwilling/too far away to look after the children or the kids simple don’t want to stay with them?

Grandparents, friends, brothers or sisters, friends. Whatever. They don’t need to be together – big brother with best friend, little sister with hers, that’ll work too. Just get rid of them for 48 hours!

And their feelings are important, but not critical: kids whine, and are scared of something different – but as an adult you’re capable of evaluating if their fears are real or imaginary, and having to spend a weekend with their grandparents (/whatever) is definitely in the second category.

From my experience – try and save what you have as that lovely green grass is an illusion.

Anti-depressants and private counselling worked a treat for me too, good luck.

And their feelings are important, but not critical: kids whine, and are scared of something different – but as an adult you’re capable of evaluating if their fears are real or imaginary, and having to spend a weekend with their grandparents is definitely in the second category.

you obviously haven’t met my mother in law. 😉

you obviously haven’t met my mother in law

Your fears or theirs? 🙂

I think its interesting on here how many men seem to just assume they will no longer live with their kids.

Not trying to be provocative or unkind in any way, I am just puzzled that the male assumption is the female gets the kids and the bloke leaves the house.

I am also surprised more men do not fight for custody (or living as prime carer) of the children. Why assume the mother wants them more or is indeed the best carer? I know it can be difficult with courts, but until men challenge the situation it will never change – same as it was for suffragettes.

Regardless of the above, I think its very unwise to leave the house until some legal advice has been sought on your own part, regardless of any child situation.

I am female by the way, but believe in equality as much as possible. I also think the childrens views of who they want live with should very much be taken into account.

My MIL once ate a banana infront of me. I remarked to her daughter ‘if only you could do THAT 😆

Hora, you’re my hero.

I think you need to decide whether you still love your wife, if you do then its definitely worth working on! I think all relationships will eventually reach the point where it becomes stale and hard work and then you just have to decide whether its worth it or not. Sit down with each other and talk it all out, what you see the problems are and what she sees they are and then go from there and both make more of an effort to resolve those problems. Things have been fairly rubbish with my OH lately, mostly my fault as it had gotten to the point where, following my accident in April, I had become angry and bitter and just assumed that everyone would carry on around me and that I guess people wouldn’t need to know they were appreciated and that I was okay. Culminated in an enormous row and my OH of 5 years telling me he didnt love me…. I have to say it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever heard and has definitely shocked me into changing my behaviour. Hopefully now we’re talking more and things have changed that we can sort it out and things can get back to how they have been before if not stronger and better than before.

Definitely take the time to think about whether you do or dont love her and then go from there, dont say anything too hasty!

watch this tedtalk. it talks about getting the vigour back into you life, and why that is so important for a happy relationship.
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(it only really gets going towards the end)