DrP – Member

It’s too soon for PTSD, but a severe grief reaction is likely. The police should be able to point you in the direction of their counsellor. NHS counselling would take months…and actually in these acute times, prescribed drugs DO have a role (not anti depressants, but benzos etc to take the edge off).
Also, in a way this is a natural response to a terrible thing, so you’re not ‘weak’ or ‘lame’ for feeling like this…

DrP

Is good advice

A few years ago driving through a local city, saw a bus on the other side of the road,hazards flashing, no driver, but a large hole in the windscreen,as i slowed and drove past a few yards behind was the driver, looking at the floor, and on the floor was a poor chap, who had just been run over by the bus,and came out the back, in a mess, the driver just standing there so silent, i felt so useless, so impotent, and so upset for the victim ,the driver and the families.

But gradually the thoughts melt away, they have to as other things happen in your life, perhaps visit the family, it will mean a lot to them, that they hear first hand what happen and what you saw of their child.

As for medical and emergency service professionals coping a good freind who is a Gp, said that he copes by using the reasoning that he never knew them as freinds or family just as patients he treats and hopefully makes better, and sometimes they die. Harsh but he says he has to use that anology to be able to cope with the next patient, and the next.

thats shite for you

you need completion which will come in time

you could try using a reflective tool as used by medics etc(Gibbs reflective cycle)and talk it through between the two of you, give each other time to talk without being cut off, or even better each spend time using Gibbs cycle to write down your individual versions and thoughts and then talk it through between you

on the plus side i’m guessing that you were in each others presence as you bore witness and can support each other through the aftermath (potential Coroners etc could take months+ etc)

your not to blame, your not qualified to treat her, you are purely witnesses to a tragic event

failing all that hokus pokus shit, alcohol works a treat

I was in a similar situation a long time ago and it was pretty tough. You can’t help but keep going over and over it and wondering if you could have done anything differently or done something to help. In my case, with eagle-eye hind-sight, I maybe could have reacted better even though it almost certainly wouldn’t have made any difference to the outcome.

I got offered victim-support type counselling at the time and initially said no, but accepted it later. Was helpful actually – not a lot more than tea & sympathy but it helped to pour things out a bit.

Go via the police for support, what you may find is that they’re not keen for you to get victim support as in a court case it could be seen as prejudicial to your evidence.

some good advice here.

i had a similar experience about ten years ago up in newcastle young lass wiped out right in front of me. i did nothing about dealing with the shock of it and it would find its way into my day for about four years after. i should of done something about it but i just chose to mtfu , bad move.

Yeah nonk it’s how I’ve been dealing with it, thinking I’m ok.

I’ve booked time with a police councillor now.

Thanks

As several folks have said, it really does affect people in different ways. Quite a few years ago I was going up to Cirencester to visit a friend when a motorbike overtook the line of cars at a hell of a rate, and I thought, “bloody hell, that’s chancy”, because a car started to turn right just as the bike overtook, probably around 70-80, I was doing 50. A couple of miles on there’s a railway bridge with a dip in the road and a side road entering in the dip. Anyway, I got there to find an elderly couple in their Metro with the bike embedded in the front. I was second on the scene, and went to check where the rider was. He was the other side of the bridge, with no sign of a pulse when I checked at his throat. Messy business, the poor old couple were really shocked, their car was hidden in the dip turning right when the bike shot over the top and hit them. Shook me a bit at the time, but it’s never bothered me particularly; I was concerned for the couple in the car, but they were already being helped by the first on the scene, and the rider was beyond help, although parameds tried resuss. Some might think me cold, but I’m afraid I rather thought it was very much Darwin at work. I think writing everything down in detail, can exorcise things, allowing you to move on. I’ve seen this referred to, people actually writing a letter to someone but never sending it, to clear things and get them out of the system. I’m lucky, I guess, in that I can be detached from such situations, but I can get very emotional about other things. Get the help, and help your g/f, the poor lass sounds devastated, and I’d be heartbroken on her behalf, more than my own, if she was my girlfriend.

No Darwin at work here just a tragic fatal accident. We saw her step out, get hit and die whilst we waited for the ambulance. If someone were to blame or a Darwin esque situation it might be easier to move on.

My girlfriend is getting every second of my support and attention it’s truly heartbreaking to see her like this.

We will get help as advised and try our best to deal with it.

You are already doing the right thing talking to people, some good advice on this thread (STW saves the day once again).

My neighbour committed suicide 10 days ago, I was working from home that day and was probably no more than 10m away from her when she did it, the screams of the person that found her were very clear through the walls.
Thought about it a lot over the last week….life is strange sometimes.

Look after your girlfriend…she doesn’t have STW 🙂

I’m a police officer and have witnessed meany deaths at accidents
It will upset you, BUT if you get counselling, and most importantly talk to your girlfriend about the accident over and over
With time it will get easier, you have witnessed a horiffic event that you will remember forever, don’t try and forget it, because you won’t, but coming to terms with it can be done, and you will move on
Good Luck

As a few said elsewhere, go easy on yourselves, seeing someone get killed is traumatising, and not having a severe emotional reaction would be surprising. Feeling as you do strikes me as very reasonable and to be expected from any caring person.
Best wishes for your recovery

Defintely seek some help, MTFU and WTFU are not appropriate in these situations. You won’t and shouldn’t try and forget it, what you need to do is find a cpoing strategy to put it in a box and ratioanlise what you feel.
I had some counselling after an RTA i came across with 3 people killed, for what felt like hours I was the only person there ! It was maybe 2 minutes tops before someone else turned up but for 2 there was nothing i could do – i won’t elaborate on that, the third one I did what I could. I felt guilt, fear, anger – every range of emotions. I drank a lot afterwards and MTFUd badly about it as I was trying to be hard. I fell apart 3 weeks later and got some professional help. Still think about it every now and then but it is very much one of these things and on a positive note you did what you could do and no more – miracles do not happen but you took some responsibility and that is what matters.

I witnessed a fatal car crash many years ago. Really nasty.

What stayed with me was a feeling of uselessness, that I couldn’t do anything to help the victim, a young woman. I still feel anger that I was unable to help her, and instead had to watch her suffer, for some time.

It took a long time to come to terms with it, and I’ll never be ‘over it’.

I found talking to others helped a lot, be they friends, strangers, medical professionals.

Don’t leave it. Talk to whoever will listen. Rant and rave about it if you need to. Get that shock out in the open, let those emotions run free.

I won’t lie. It’s a ***ker. But you can only deal with the trauma effectively if you face what it really is that screws you up over it.

After losing my boyfriend due to the actions of a drunk driver, I imagined every possible scenario. The most awful of which being that Dave may have been conscious, knowing what was happening to him, in pain and alone. It was some comfort to find out that a student nurse was there straight away, that she could tell us that he fell unconscious immediately and that she held his hand and waited for the ambulance after performing first aid on him. Dave’s mother and her had a chat, and she is still very much shaken.

You and your girlfriend seem like truly caring people, a type which I would hope would be there to care for a loved one. Finding out about the girl may help, it may also be very painful at first. Regardless of whether there is any criminal act involved you are helping to clarify the last moments of her life which is so important for her family as well as for her. Find comfort in each other, you have experienced this together and can make each other happy but it takes time and sometimes your waves of emotion may not be in synchrony and at which point you may want to have some time to yourselves or with a friend.

You are allowed to cry, and you are also allowed to escape from it as well by thinking of other things. I feel like I lost a part of me when Dave died in many ways, including a sense of naivety about life. You can’t get that back, but I hope it motivates you to do more in life for her, for each other and for yourselves

Tell the police on how you both are feeling and what it is doing to you both
and demand support.
Also go to your GP and talk to them.