8) makes I larf’
Not sure about the helmet thing – they wear out and you have to replace stuff.
Nor the bottles thing – after breaking bottle cages regularly on a trail off Barton Creek 20 years ago I was very glad to switch to a camelbak.

But better than % of the posts here…

Not read any of the replies but to the original poster ‘couldn’t have put it better myself’ these are the things I’m always thinking but never say……….superb, simply superb!

You seem to have Downhill MTB’ers, Freeride MTB’ers, single speeders, trail centre only riders, commuter racers, 29er’s and people with homemade or cobbled together contraptions. What happened to the simple 26” h’tail with front suss or a 100 mm travel full bouncer, which can cope with 99% of the UK terrain.

Nothing happened to it. I ride one. I also ride a SS version of the same bike, plus I’ve got a DH bike, a couple of folding road bikes, and an all mountain bike for riding up big hills and then descending them. You want to ride Chatel on a 100mm hardtail, be my guest.

As a Purist MTB’er you don’t need body armour, shin guards, full face helmet or even a helmet with a chin guard.

OK, go and ride the Alps without the above. Your call, but don’t expect sympathy when you’re bleeding on the trail

Peaks are acceptable, but frowned upon.

By whom? Who has the right to say that a peaked helmet is either a good or a bad thing?

Purist MTB’ers don’t need a 45 litre rucksack

And no-one carries one, do they? I’ve never seen one that large unless someone’s seriously trekking. You’re just making stuff up now.

The reason for this is a Purist looks after his bike and very seldom, maybe once every five years or so has a mechanical failure, when this occurs they can usually limp home or worse case shoulder it and yomp home.

Really? You’ve never wiped out a derailleur? I suppose you’re never more than a few miles from home, so you’d not understand that sometimes you need to be totally self-sufficient.

rotors no bigger than 160 mm diameter

Why? What’s so special about 160mm?

Hydration is strictly via bottles, if you drink a lot, down a litre before you set off and carry a spare bottle or two in your jersey pocket.

Words fail me. Carry a couple of spare bottles of water in my pockets? I’ve got a better idea. A 3 litre reservoir which fits on my back, doesn’t rattle around or fall off, and doesn’t get covered in cowshit

Eat your food on the go, you should have the skills to do this, if not your not a purist.

I know I’m not a purist, but I fail to see why stopping and chatting at some point on the ride is a Bad Thing.

All these items should be taped to the bike with insulation tape or a toe strap, the latter being better form.

Yeah grandad, like toe straps have any relvance in the 21st century

As for punctures these are infrequent as Stan’s no tubes are your friend (which is a piece of pi55 to set up despite people harping on every other week about compressors etc )

UST for the last ten years on my bikes. Stan’s? A cheap imitation. And I suppose you don’t bother with tyre levers, or even a small multi tool? How about a chainbreaker (or have you never broken a chain)?

¾ length baggies on a bike are ridik.

Do you speak English?

Single speed bikes, oh dear. Why go back in time and ride one. Maybe you’re an attention seeker or you cannot adjust gears, most SS women and bean lickers. Most SS people use them as an excuse for being slow, you do not fit into the Purist category, unless you where there in the conception, Re-pack.

I genuinely don’t understand you. OK, you don’t like singlespeeds, I get that much. But what on earth does “you cannot adjust gears, most SS women and bean lickers” mean? Is it an insult of some sort? And I have no need to ‘go back in time and ride one’ because I can ride one now.

I am a purist

No, you’re someone who has decided that everything you does is right, and that everything done by anyone else is wrong.

No, you’re someone who has decided that everything you does is right, and that everything done by anyone else is wrong.

Isn’t that a pre-requisite on here? 😉 Or is that only political threads?

The quality of the OP will be determined by how many pages this extends to!!

OP is GOLD. the joke’s on those whose protesteth too much

This. In spades.

I reckon I’m a 100% impurest mountain biker. And loving it.

Pure genius this thread, it’s kept me amused all day 😀