So, there I am, in the garage, Sunday breakfast time.

Just about to fill my tube up with some air, as I ride a road bike I have to apply a little more pressure to pump than with a MTB. With the valve cap on the side of my workbench I begin pumping, but I’ve never considered that a problem, until today.

I’m pumping away minding my own business, with my shiney Silver Lezyne track pump. Once i have reached the correct pressure I undo the screw on end of the pump, which in turn removes the valve core, letting out all the air. I suddenly feel rage developing in the lower pit of my stomach. I start to mouth the words “DON’T DO THAT, YOU PR1CK, MUTHER FECKER” I try to remain calm, and go to my tool box and find some threadlock, apply a little and re-fit the valve core.

I inflate the tube to the correct pressure…… again. I ever soooo caaaaaaaaaaafully uuuuuuuuuuuunsrew the pump. PPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTT! There go’s 110psi of my sweat and effort back into the atmophere. “YOU F@CKER!!!! WHAT THE ****, PIECE OF SHITE PUMP! F@CK YOU” I re-fit the valve core, again with some some more locktite, and tighten it up with a set of molegrips. I then try and find a punp that fits on in the old fashioned way. I find an old Joe Blow in the garrage, and attach it to the valve. I push the handle, only to here air expell from the Shraeder end of the pump. No probs, think, I flick the lever over, my mistake. No dice. The lever isn’t working! “YOU BAAAAAASTARD! YOU USELESS **** BAAAAASTARD PUMP!”

Now i’m not a big bloke, but i’m a good 3 foot taller than most track pumps. I approach the pump, thinking that it would back down. The pump just stood there, feet planted on the floor. I thought, well i’m not going to back down, he’s the D1CK HEAD. This stand off filled me with rage. HOW DARE IT! A gun go’s off in my head, I know I can tear it a new one so I start towards it, no doubt with a face full of murderous intent and I gave it a good hard kick to the handle, sending him reeling to the corner of the garage. As it lies there i clearly mouth the words “F@CK OFF” at it. Then I can’t hold it in any longer I shout out loud “I’VE GOT TO USE ANOTHER F@CKING PUMP I CAN”T USE THIS PUMP” I dig around the garage and find yet another Joe blow, and finish the job the other couldn’t manage. THE PIECE’S OF SH!T. Now at last my bike has 2 fully inflated tubes and I ride off giving the 2 useless pumps the finger as I go.

Now, what the hell was that all about? Does anyone else have a problem with these Lezyne pumps or was this I just being a complete tool?

I would genuinely have stepped up to the mark and given the pump a proper hiding if it had failed to inflate my tube a third time, purely on the basis that it, whoever the hell made it, has no god given right to remove my valve cores etc etc etc……

I dunno, I’m not actually conflicted over this, if it happened again then I’d do the same, I don’t go looking for trouble but if it finds me I’m not gonna back down. That said I remember his handles and feet…

perhaps I should look into some kind of anger management, what do you think?

I beat the crap out of a bucket once – actually had no need to it had already emptied itself overnight of shite-soaked water all over the kitchen worktop & that dripped into the drawers

even so, … you’re BARKING matey

8/10

Truly excellent use of swear-filter avoidance and capslock, but marks lost for no multiple exclamation marks and asking for soul-searching advice at the end. A fine rant.

You bought a track pump which screws onto the valve (despite already owning 2 other track pumps)?

I just being a complete tool?

Yep – the only solution is a tactical strike on your own house. If it happens to get the track pumps as collateral damage, well sometimes the innocent have to suffer.

Excellent rant. Made all the better due to the utterly trivial nature of the problem, which was then solved quietly and simply and without fuss. Brilliant. 9/10.

perhaps I should look into some kind of anger management, what do you think?

Speaking from experience here, unless you experience this sort of rage with other people, in situations where it could create serious problems, then I wouldn’t worry. If this is a recurring issue, then try to figure out what it is that triggers things; the underlying causes for such rage. Had a bad day? Stressing about something? Rowed with someone?

If you suddenly get urges to stab people in the face, just walking down the street, or are actually inflicting harm on yourself or others, then I’d say it might be a good idea to seek professional help. If your anger is solely directed towards inanimate objects, I’d say your problems are probbly quite mild, but you might want to consider stress management techniques.You don’t want things getting out of hand,. Could be a warning sign. Do you experience heightened heart rate, sweating, sudden extreme tenseness of muscles?

No laughing matter really. What can start off as something seemingly trivial, can escalate to dangerous levels, if left ignored.

Yet to find a track pump that lasts longer than a year and works the way it should each time its used.

If someone could make a simple pump to do presta and also have a schraeder version.. i`d be happy to buy both if it meant that it would work te way it should each time i used it.I dont know if its the double heads that are the problem,but it seems that no matter how much youy spend (£20 – £100) they always fail.

Please dont post how this pump or that pump has worked perfectly for the time you have owned it, i dont wanna know! It needs to work at least 10 times a day,not twice a week.

all you’ll ever need

i use this constantly and it has been perfect, and very cheap.

Think OP might be having a private e-mail from the law after that messy affair

that is a thing of beauty.

Do you experience heightened heart rate, sweating, sudden extreme tenseness of muscles?

Yes, yes I do.

It’s not you, it’s track pumps. My blackburn airtower 4 thinks it’s in a bloody union or something and decided it won’t work on chilly morning. Warm it up and it’s fine. God awful thing. It doesn’t even have to work that hard, I’ve got a compressor for the big jobs.

Superb, and the old forum post referencing was very cogent and beautifully realised.

Sorry to rub it in, but I’ve happily used my £8 Lidl track pump, which has a double head, over 4 years without problems.

Slight caveat: it struggles as it approaches 100psi.

Good work, pants beating the crap out a bucket made me laugh too! 😀

Briliant Rant over a fantastically trivial matter, 9/10. LMAO here