Hi.

Got a bit of dilemma. My parents are border line psychopaths. You’ll just have to take my word for it. We’ve fallen out big time. My mother still wants to see her grandchildren, our children. My wife and I can’t stand them, and think there behaviour is damaging to family life and wish to sever links and stop all visiting.

What would you do?

ask Smee

Difficult but personally if it’s damaging your children and you don’t like them that it’s only you that can make the decision and I’d say do it. Guess it’s going to be difficult if they live locally and do you think they are then going to kick off!

if you feel it will scar or effect the children in any way then dont do it!!

i can still remember my mum being a nut job!! i was only 3-4 max im now 22 and some times i have to just think to my self WHY???

Take your parent to Relate? Ask them to visit with you?

Or swallow your dislike & visit with the kids occasionally.

seriously tho, I’d go with your gut instinct, they have no right to see you or your children.

Your life, your choice. Grandparents have no right to see grandchildren so you do what you think isbest. Clearly you do not mind upsetting them so that isn’t a problem – just do what is right for YOUR family.

Sad that anyone could have such unbearable parents though.

We could hardly begin this kangaroo court without knowledge of the actions of the parents to determine whether their actions do, in fact, indicate a psychopathic tendency or whether it’s just you being a drama queen. However without this information I’d say “they’re your kids, do what you like with them”. Within reason, Fritzl.

The relationship with parents is far from close, and the children are very young. We live over an hour away by car.

I don’t want to deny them access, but there is such ill feeling towards them, and they can’t conduct themselves in a civil way.

Grandparents have no right to see grandchildren

I’d put that the other way around and ask you to consider whether your kids should have the right to see their grandparents.

As your parents are psychopaths its likely that they emotionally damaged you, while bringing you up. Therefore you are likely to emotionally damage your children as you will probably turn into a psychopath like your parents so its best you dont see them either.

What do you mean ? Are you suggesting your parents have recently become psychopaths ? Are you suggesting there always were psychopaths ? Do you not think not being unable to stand your own parents is a bit strange ?

If you really think your completely competent and making a rational decision that would suggest your parents brought you up well and they arent psychopaths, which is ill-logical.

I would suggest that although your parents are probably acting irrationally, suggesting they are psychopaths is also irrational and therefore you are irrational.

Maybe being irrational is a family trait ? Therefore your children will ban you from seeing your grandchildren for being irrational too.

What if, my parents invent stories about awful things I did to them that aren’t true. The stories are convincing as they have some fact. Some of my family, brother and sister who are gullible believe the stories, other wiser family members see them as ellaborate lies.

My concern is at some point grandparents will want to tell the stories to my children and set them against me. My parents like causing friction and “demonising” family with invented stories.

Do they act ‘psychopathically’ towards the children? If not, maybe you have to just suck it up and let the children see their grandparents.

My Dad’s mum was a complete cow. My mum always had a troubled relationship with her mother. However, they were just Nana and Grandma to my sisters and me and they acted like Nanas and Grandmas are supposed to. I have fond memries of them both. We only learned of the other issues later on, my folks just grinned and beared it for our sake.

I have no contact with my parents any more and would not allow them access to my children. imho, sometimes it is better to sever a family tie than continue with something more damaging just because it is seen as correct in society.

I have the same problem with my family and for the sake of my sanity and health decided to cut off all contact with them, so my children do not see there grandparents on my side of the family. I get sick of peole judging me and saying but their your parents and stick there noses in when clearly its a two sided coin.

I have satified myself that I have made every effort to form a relationship with my parents & sister come to that but some peole are just beyond reason. I am a much happier person as a result and the children none the wiser.

They aren’t great grandparents to be honest. Dad, won’t even talk or handle my children.

Lots of kids only have one set of grandparents anyway. Your kids probably won’t even notice they’re missing a grandma until they’re a bit older.

When they get old enough to ask about it, be honest about it. If they really want to meet these grandparents, maybe you could consider it then.

Or, alternatively, tell them that their grandparents are evil witches and that you only just escaped with your lives after they tried to cook you!

Joe

Im surprised how many people are saying just dont see them.

I have to say my soon to be mrs. doesnt get on that well with my mum and frankly she does say some rather bizarre things not just to my mrs but to other members of the family.

But frankly she’s my mum she brought me into the world and cared for me through out my childhood which was great and frankly I think I owe her big.

I know the current view seems to be I didnt ask to be born I dont owe you anything. But I love being alive so I think so I think I owe her in some respects even for that, although I can follow the argument that I dont.

Also she gave up job to care for me etc etc etc I know its a cliche but it does nt stop it being true.

Maybe my situation different even though my mum can be odd I know she only tries to do the right thing to do but she really cant see anything from anyone else’s perspective at all anymore. I think that just what happens as you get old though.

Or, alternatively, tell them that their grandparents are evil witches and that you only just escaped with your lives after they tried to cook you!

Love it 🙂

scu98rkr, I see your point of view, but can we be in debt to our parents for the whole of lives for bringing us up.

scu98rkr – Did you go to Sheffield Uni?

Isn’t it sad that anyone can be so far removed from their own flesh and blood? Having just lost my dad in January, I wish I had spent more time with him (we are a very close family and we saw dad almost every week), but now all I do is wish I could have spent more time around him. And he won’t get to see our twins, due in June.

🙁

I know longer speak to my mother, left home at 18 to get away from her.

She has never seen my kids and will never be a part of their lives and I’m glad as I would never want that inflicted on my boys, to be treat the same way as she treat me.

My brother is also estranged from her, so it’s not just a clash of personality.

I would say go with your instinct, it’s not worth the hassle at times.
I certainly don’t believe my kids are missing anything.

You don’t have to do ANYTHING out of “loyalty to family”.

Do what you feel is right, and most importantly, what you think is best for your children. And if in a year you want to have a re think, then do so.

You don’t have to do ANYTHING out of “loyalty to family”.

Do what you feel is right, and most importantly, what you think is best for your children. And if in a year you want to have a re think, then do so.

You don’t have to do ANYTHING out of “loyalty to family”.

“Do what you feel is right”

I totally agree with this however I tend to think showing some loyalty to the family is the right thing to do in a some of cases.

And he won’t get to see our twins, due in June.

(slight hijack) I remember your thread about ivf back along m-f, that is very excellent news! I feel a ‘name m-f’s babies’ thread looming in a couple of months. (hijack over)

Depending on how ‘improper’ they are, and how serious the stuff they have made up about you, i wouldn’t blame you for cutting them out until the children are old enough to work out for themselves of someone is filling theior head full of doubts and nonsense. Depending on their ages, their faith in you as consistent, available and trustworthy parents is of vital importance to their own personal development. (read up ‘attachment’ of children if you want to find out more.But not too much or you will find yourself paralysed with overanalysis of your own parenting ‘style’ :-))

(slight hijack) I remember your thread about ivf back along m-f, that is very excellent news! I feel a ‘name m-f’s babies’ thread looming in a couple of months. (hijack over)

Yes that’s us – thanks 🙂 Been a very topsy-turvy time snce we first found out that good news though 😐

May well be doing a name-a-baby thread in the near future (already have one nailed-on guranteed name for a girl and if we have a boy (or two) one will be gettin my dad’s name as a middle name for 110% sure.

May well be doing a name-a-baby thread in the near future

SRAM and Shimano.

tell the kids your parents died in a car accident
tell the parents your kids died in a car accident

my parents are divorced, and i fell out seriously with my old man about 10 years ago. i don’t speak to him, have nothing to do with him and don’t let him near my family. because of the way he treated us when i was young, i have no compunction and no bad feeling about this, and the only effect he has had on me is that i am determined that any child i am responsible for will not see me the way i see him. “loyalty to family” is crap, loyalty to those who love you and you love is what counts. my stepmother was always there when i was a confused kid growing up in a difficult world – i miss her. my mum was been great, she made mistakes bringing us up, but she did her best and she’s now one of best friends. so you do what’s right for you and the people who count, and **** the ones who don’t.

m-f -> congratulations.

For the kids sake I would try to keep in contact. But definitely would set some ground rules about what they say to the kids about you, your wife and other members of your family.
Do have limited experience of this and know its not an easy path to tread but in our case its definitely worth the hassle to ensure the kids have some relationship with them

Will nobody think of the inheritance!

why “for the kid’s sake”?

FFS my parents should have split up years before they did but stayed together “for the kids’ sake”. brilliant, we were subjected to years of domestic violence, plate throwing, screaming and abuse. wow, i’m sure fekkin glad my parents cared enough to subject me to that and then to hear them screaming “if it wasn’t for kids..” like what this is all MY fault (i was between 3 and 7 while this was going on)?
“for the kid’s sake” if your not happy about someone else’s behaviour – DO NOT SUBJECT THEM TO THAT BEHAVIOUR. your duty is to kids – beginning and end of story.
“for the sake the kids” is just a decision-avoiding copout to help make you feel better when you realise just how badly scarred you’ve left them

Inheritance, I don’t care, despite the fact my parents are multi millionares. There are more important things.

Do you want to swap my poor but moderately sane parent for your wealthy phsychotic ones?

Samuri, yes please. What will be the postage cost?

I can only suggest thinking very carefully about what you do. It is so easy for words/actions to be misconstrued/misunderstood and memories can play tricks. Keep the door always open.

We don’t live in a perfect world and people don’t always communicate so perhaps there are questions you need to ask your parents.

mastiles – your words are very poignant.

Thanks cinnamon girl, the problem is they misconstrue/understand words and allow memories to play tricks. I keep a diary, and my written facts and are at odds with there nasty fantasies. Tried communicating, but it just made things worse. Sad but true.