I have been suffering from depression for quite a while now.
I had a severe breakdown on Friday night and am currently locked up in a mental clinic in Vienna ( this is no joke , I wish it was).
I need cheering up a bit so please post some funny things to put a smile on my face. I only have 3G so nothing too big.
Thanks

Fellow sufferer here, hope you start to feel better soon, you’re in the best place for now.

Have a read of this

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/blood-in-yer-spaff

If you have either a dog or a cat, you will laugh at this…

It’s got to be the Picolax thread..!

Take your time. Get well soon.

I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. It was farcical.

Our bank manager fell off his bike. He lost his balance.

My stupid dog chases everyone on a bicycle. I had confiscate his bike.

…

The sooner you get well, the sooner I stop posting terrible jokes! Good luck 🙂

When I was a kid I thought that the “funny farm” was where jokes were made!

Very best of luck – hope you get sorted soon. Hopefully youll look back on this episode one day and laugh about it.

The sooner you get well, the sooner I stop posting terrible jokes!

If ever there was a good incentive, this is it! 🙂

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning; can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador. ”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Been at rock bottom for a few months now feeling there was no hope and nothing could get worse, it’ll just be a dull existence from now on in. Then yesterday life actually got a lot worse.

There’s a lot of people struggling with things at the moment. Some drifting through their days in a stomach churning trance. I mean when all is stripped back and you’re an intelligent person capable of seeing who pulls the strings in this unfair world, without the distractions of loving relationships who can fail to be saddened by the grind to death we (I, at the moment) know as life. But You aren’t the only one.

Check out the fly tipping thread that’s on. You could be stood in the woods in the snow on a steep hill in the dark trying to hide the evidence. 🙂

All the best.

EDIT

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning; can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador. ”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

🙂

Hi Iolo it’s the guy you drove to Oxford to buy the titanium burgtecs from 🙂
” I saw a fat woman walking down the road the other day and on her back she had written, I love the hip hop. I think the C and the S must have fallen off 😉 ”

All the best mate

Quick, sister Angelica, show him your cross…..

Oi!!! Satan!!! Fe*k Off!!

🙂

Was out riding last night and got knocked off by one of those trucks that spreads salt on the road.

You bastard! I shouted through gritted teeth.

There’s always somebody worse off than you:

A Polish girl stows away on a ship. After three days she’s found and taken before the captain.

“What are you doing on my ship?” he asks.

“Well….” (stupid Polish accent needed here) “I came to UK to work as waitress then I met this nice boy from Liverpool. We fall in love and decide to go to USA together to start new life and have babies. So I hide in ship. We have good arrangement, he bring me three meals a day and in exchange I let him **** me.”

“Well you’re certainly getting ****, Love,” replies the captain. “This is the Birkenhead ferry!”

Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis. RSPCA said i’d just get a warning this time!!

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got 1 arm bless him.
I shouted, “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said “I’m going to change a light bulb.”
I laughed my head off and said that’s gonna be a bit awkward ain’t it?
“Not really” he said, “I’ve still got the receipt, you spiteful ****

Since it started snowing all my missus has done is look through the window and moan and shiver. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in!
My mate’s shagging twins who both like it up the rear, I asked how do you tell them apart? He said easy, Sally’s got long blonde hair, and Derek’s got a moustache…

DNA testing has just been completed on Osama’s remains, they found some suprising results. In addition to what you’d normally expect to find in a human body, it turns out his remains had an additional 3.8g of protein, 58.8g of carbohydrate (of which sugars were 47.7g), 23.9g of Fat (of which saturates were 19.8g), 2.2g of Fibre and a trace of Sodium…
They’re speculating that this was because he had a Bounty on his head…

me & the mrs were sitting in the living room and i said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer….

Hyphenation rules: I always hyphenate “bird-cage”; it’s for the parrot to perch on.

Had a good little chuckle to most of the above. To the OP and others, I have suffered up and down for a few years. Taken it out on others as well as myself. Hit a new low only weeks ago but now life is turning round. My riding is getting better too. I just wanted to say that is does get better. There is always someone who is looking out for you wherever they are.

Enjoy the jokes ands hope to see you on a trail somewhere soon.

Bump.

Hey iolo, how are you doing?

Thanks for these. I was released from hospital yesterday. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar. This is good as I finally know what’s wrong with me after a year of pure hell and am receiving the correct medication.

🙂

Excellent stuff. Good luck getting yourself back into a good place.

😀

Ok, one to really lower the tone:

What’s brown and sticky?

My poster of Beyonce

All the best

I wish my Mrs’ was bipolar, at least then she’d be happy half the time. Miserable bitch!

Sorry iolo couldn’t resist.

Happened to a mate of mine and we were so glad as he really could get on with things and move forward after his propper diagnosis, everything was alot easier.