So, I’ve just been to the office loo.

I used the one at the south end of the building because:-

a) It has large windows and is warmer than the freezing dungeon at the north end of the building.
b) I planned to visit the brew machine, which is also in the south end of the building.
c) Critically, as will become clear later, it used to be the ladies’ so it is a bit nicer.

I went in to the end trap of 3 and did a precautionary check to see if there was any paper in the dispenser. On reaching inside my hand felt only the empty cardboard spool of doom. I quickly hastened to another trap ( I went for the middle one – intimidating, I know, but what the eh hell?).

I’d just got comfy when I heard somebody go into the end trap.

Here lies my dilemma… do I warn them but at the same time give away my anonymity (a gentlemen should never announce his presence), or assume that they are just having a wee (remember, this used to be the ladies’, so there are no urinals.)?

Before I could make my mind up the visitor to the end trap unloaded his bowels, with some gusto I must add. I finished my business, did the paperwork and left before the person next door realised the true horror of their situation.

I could have warned them.
I didn’t.
Should I feel bad?

Keep an eye out for a man wearing only one sock

You should have slipped an anonymous, wordless handful of paper under the cubicle on your way out….. but you didn’t.

You monster.

😆

You should have slipped an anonymous, wordless handful of paper under the cubicle on your way out….. but you didn’t.

You monster.

Is that preferable to flushing it, then?

Poo to others as you would have them poo to you.

Should have rolled some asswipe under the door.

Bad Harry.

Keep an eye out for a man wearing only one sock

It sounded like at least a two-socker.

I read

unloaded his bowels

as uploaded his bowels – I was trying to work out how that could work and figured it was a specialist element of flickr

Rolling a spare roll under the partition would have been the right thing to do, saving him the shuffle of shame

You should have warned them, so hang you head in shame, anonymity should not out rank good toilet manners. No one needs to find an empty paper dispenser after the event.
YOU MONSTER!

That guys gonna have horrendous swamp ass for the rest of the day. 😆

Reminds me of a story my wife told me. She works in MandS and a guy, dressed in a nice smart suit, fancy business type bloke, came up to the paydesk after being in the changing rooms. He opened his briefcase and handed over a pair of HEAVILY soiled pants with the request “can you put these in the bin please”.

😯

In some ways, you could argue it was that person’s fault. I mean, what were they doing sitting down without having used some paper to completely wipe the seat down, and prepared the way for a sanitary experience?

Had they tried to do so, they would have known the roll was empty. They’re probably the non-handwashing type as well.

Neptune’s Kiss prevention has a double purpose.

No-one ever makes that mistake more than once.

So this must have been their first time.

It could have been much *much* worse – so you were actually doing them a favour.

Think of it as a learning moment.

EDIT: is this a convoluted metaphor for the election? I’m trying to work out who is Jeremy Corbyn in this.

Having had time to reflect I should have let them get on with it then loudly announced “That’s gonna itch when it dries” as I departed.

SaxonRider +1

Frankly, that’s an amateur approach, he’ll learn for next time. Maybe he had a white angel and got away with it

Don’t shake hands with any men in the office this afternoon

That situation wouldn’t have happened to me.

If i’d retired for a China Cruise under the same circumstances, I’d have checked the end trap, found it lacking, checked the middle trap , stocked up on adequate essential supplies and retreated to the end trap again.

Never risk the middle trap.

On the contrary. The middle trap and was absolutely spotless. I shall use it again.

The place where I work has some of the most extreme bowel emptiers I have ever heard.
After hearing a sprint to a cubicle whilst sat in mine, followed by what I can only describe as a sound akin to someone throwing a box of shoes out of a loft hatch, there is often a loud gasp of relief which I have been tempted to reply with a jaunty “do you need me to call a doctor”.

stocked up on adequate essential supplies

This, being on a centrally managed business park, requires a walk out our building and over the the main building.

On entering the building, you join a queue in the busy reception area. You then have to inform the receptionist of your need for a clear out, and the lack of self-serve cleaning facilities.

This then means that half of the reception area hear of your predicament, and the open plan business park management office all hear. There is usually a turning of heads, followed by a radio call out to the janitor, who arrives at reception and asks ‘who needs this?’ while carrying an armful of suitable supplies, in an attempt to not have to re-fill for a further week.

You then have to walk back across the business park, loo rolls balanced precariously as you try to unlock the door and enter (usually a two handed job), all the time with the commiserating eyes of any other person you pass smiling in encouragement, in the assumption that you have the sh*ts so bad you a) ran out in the first place, b) clearly need a large stock pile for the rest of the day…

a sound akin to someone throwing a box of shoes out of a loft hatch

This sounded like somebody tipping a bucket of mussels into a wheelie bin.

Could be worse – it could sound like a tuba stuffed with squid, being blown by an over-exuberant German oompa player.

Its curry day every thursday in the canteen here, some of the smells and noises from the loo’s cant even be described/imagined….

The oddest thing is the sound of some peoples wiping habits, Ive heard a few times the take of some loo roll and then scrub up and down several times before dropping the paper in the loo! surely these animals are smearing as opposed to wiping!

(usually a two handed job)

That explains why you needed so much paper.

Good to see a lavish array of profanisauras euphemisms.

surely these animals are smearing as opposed to wiping!

Think of it more as an accelerated process of erosion.

Always take the cubicle that instinct tells you not to take – the middle of three, or the closest to the door if a long line. Everyone else thinks the same hence they are the least used and the least horrible.

These days, it’s an unruffled and calm experience at my office. The three cubicles on our floor are clearly marked for their target audiences. The one for ladies, with a picture of a lady on the door. The cold, hostile and uncharismatic cubicle for the roads policing officers, and the CID toilet for detectives, signposted nostalgically with an image of Ironside on the wider than normal door. Once inside, a squirt of air freshener on the seat and a wipe with paper ensures pristine contact, a shot of toilet duck in the pan – if it’s already obvious it’s going to be a particularly smelly one – before the ‘crash mat’ is dropped into place. Tie on the hook behind the door, shirt and trousers neatly hung on the rail on the back of the door, accoutrements on the little shelf, check the backrest isn’t too cold, and finally select a copy of Private Eye from the selection on the side table before settling down to business. After the final whistle, finish off with a wet bum wipe or two, dress, then stroll back down the corridor with the satisfied countenance of a man who has the unmistakable feeling of walking on air.

the concerning bit here, is not that you got completely undressed to do the deed, although how bad must it be that you feel you need to do this?, it’s that you didn’t bother to get dressed again once you’d finished!

It’s just more relaxing, like being at home. But in any case…

After the final whistle, finish off with a wet bum wipe or two, dress, then stroll back down the corridor with the satisfied countenance of a man who has the unmistakable feeling of walking on air.

…was a reference to the act, not the garment.

He probably done the akward shuffle into the next cubicle once you left, we have all done it surely at some point?

I would have made sure to take all the roll from middle and empty stall… but I am a bit of a bastard!

I not only wouldn’t have warned him, I’d have also turned the lights off on my way out. The fool needs to learn a lesson in basic trap checking.

TGA – I missed the critical word there, apologies

I would have made sure to take all the roll from middle and empty stall… but I am a bit of a bastard!

Damn, I should have taken the tail of the roll and dropped it in the pan before flushing, so if the guy next door had crabbed his way in he would have seen his salvation heading for the coast like a Eurostar going full tilt into the tunnel.

TGA – I missed the critical word there, apologies

Not at all. Given my proximity (I think, and if memory serves me right) to your office, it’s best to be sure!

You lot should try working in a shipyard, the traps are like Bobby Sands potting shed. Animals.

TGA – yep I think you are right. let me know if you are up for an afterwork ride at some point

You lot should try working in a shipyard, the traps are like Bobby Sands potting shed. Animals.

I’ll see your shipyard and raise you two weeks in a Chinese paper mill. 😯

FunkyDunc – Member

Don’t shake hands with any men in the office this afternoon

… also don’t touch the door handles coz they are all going to be smeared with faeces and you are going transfer them to your steering wheel … 😆

For real bog bastardry, you could always smear a little winnat inside the cardboard tube of a non captive, still in play bog roll.

Everyone likes surprises.