I've had EXACTLY, the same experience, only with my own parents. Has taken me 40 years to get a handle on what has been happening. It all came to a head this summer when my mums behaviour started to have a negative impact on my 3yr old daughter.
I read the following book and it all became clear. "Difficult mothers" by Jenny Apter.
Bloody revelation it was. Realised that my mum wasn't just a difficult mother but was actually a difficult person in general. She's very controlling, always the victim and always has to have her own way. If she doesn't get her way then everyone is being either selfish to her or jealous of her.
The book is really good. Lots of hints and tips about how to handle difficult people. Also, Google "transactional analysis'. I found it very useful.
Biggest thing for me was sitting down and listing all the incidents that had happened. Has been really reasurring to reread this list (especially after receiving yet another ear full on the phone from my mum.) The list reminds me that I'm not just being soft and making stuff up.
If it helps, most people don't deal with problems until a crisis point is reached or when something significant happens like, in my case, the birth of my daughter. Made me reflect on my own child hood.
Incidently, I have lived in a different country to my parents for over 20 years now so geographical distance sometimes doesn't make a difference to the feelings you have. On the other hand, my brother, who lives around the corner from my folks and works for the family business, admitted to me that he only does so because he "put mum and dad through hell" when he was a teenager and now feels that he "owes them.'
Not the way I want to live my life.
I might not drive a big Jag like my dad but at least I can look myself straight in the eye and know exactly who I am.