In some of my previous posts i have talked about how my brothers marriage has brokedn down and how my parents had to drive out to the alps to fetch him after going on a bender resulted in him having seizures.

Anyway, he is currently staying with my parents and the level of alchohol dependance has become apprarant. He lies about where he has been, what he has been doing and whther hes been drinking. All the alcohol in the house is locked away so he uses excuses such as ‘going for a ride’ or ‘going for a jog’ – he always comes back with alcohol on his breath and have found out he is hiding bottles in hedges etc. His alcohol abuse has been going on for along time. My parents have tried to stop these ‘trips out’ but they cannot watch him 24/7. They have had to put their lives on hold and despite their best efforts they cannot cope. The last four nights he has got back after ‘a run’ in a paralytic state and my parents have taken him to A and E three times as he has cuts and bruises etc yet will insist he has not been drinking. I don’t trust anything he says.

We cannot cope. My mum cries when on the phone to me, my dad doesn’t know what to do and my near 90 year grandad is worried to death. My brother realises the situation when sober and will often phone me up to apologise but when given any form of freedom, he hits it big time.

I am close to my brother and care for him alot, but my care is now moving away from him and my focus is on my parents – they should be enjoying their retirement not dealing with this. I am also suffering. I am trying to desensitise myself and adopt a ‘well i tried’ attitude in preparation for what may happen. We are now backed into a corner of residential rehab, yes its costly, but we have to give it a go . I’m trying to save up for a house deposit, and really hope that we are not wasting our money.

He isnt a bad lad and has really lost his way, but he isn’t my brother at the moment.

Sorry, got nothing useful to say, but you have my sympathy. Sounds completely heartbreakingly awful.

Very tough times. He needs professional support as in my opinion do your parents and probably yourself. I am not certain this is a blue print for every situation but friends had their two daughters committed to a drug rehab clinic and refused to accept them back home until they where confirmed clean. Your parents cannot fix this, no amount of love alone is going to do it. I have had a few friends and colleagues who are alcoholics, its not something an untrained person can deal with imo and family ties make it even tougher to deal with.

Yes, he is your brother.

We are in exactly the same situation with my wife’s brother (although add kids in from 2 different women, a history of DV and drug use, also three tomes through rehab, a couple of suicide attempts and a father that is all that and worse)

One thing I have learned, never stop supporting and never stop trying…however tough it gets. He is ill and at some point, will embrace your help.

We will die trying. Good luck.

I have a similar situation with a family member. I have also looked into the same sort of rehab.
The overwhelming advice so far has been, there is nothing you can do until they want to do it.
They are the only person who can beat this, they can have help, but they need to be on board first.
Intervention, I have been told, never works.
It is tough but they need to hit the bottom, wherever This may be.

At the moment, our situation is stable, but I’m sure it will return to unstable, one day as the issues have not been resolved.

IANAE, alcoholics anon are and were very happy to talk and offer an understanding ear. Help is available for people affected by alcoholism

Not sure that I can offer any helpful comments but you have my sympathy. When I was a kid my brother came out of the army with more issues than he could cope with he lost himself in alcohol for a couple of years but then recovered. He did get massively into religion for a bit but that was easier to deal with. His life is no bed of roses this year but he appears not to be drinking to excess or for the wrong reasons.
If your brother can acknowledge a problem when sober there is room for hope and that will be the time to act and support . Have you tried AA they may run or refer to groups for friends and families who could help.

Thanks.

He went to see a local drug/alcohol abuse centre and has a ‘handler’. He also saw the doctor yesterday and very clearly explained to him how he had a problem and needed help. However, 1 1/2 hours after that meeting, he was paralytic again. He is mentally weak and although he wants to (i think), he doesnt have the mental strength to do it – although like i said above, i dont trust what he says and i dont know whether he is just saying what we want to hear.

The marriage breakup is still there and i think he just doesn’t know how to/is scared of starting a new life

@crank very glad your brother is better than he was, sounds here like religion helped him rather than being something else which needed fixing as you imply ?

Rehab just won’t work until he decides and wants to change.

Be there for him but don’t protect him from the consequences of his actions. Tell him you love him but that he is hurting you and your parents. Be there for him but don’t spend your house deposit on him unless he has really really changed

And in the UK you cannot forcibly commit your kids to a drug rehab unit so one poster above is wrong.

There is support for you and your parents out there even if he won’t accept it. Al anon etc…

You can love him and support him without enabling him. Alcoholics can be very very selfish. Don’t get dragged down.

Good luck.

@teenrat, I am not sure I would put it down to mental weakness at this stage (it may have been to start with). Your brother is now physically addicted.

Not seeing anything to suggest religion helped him.

And in the UK you cannot forcibly commit your kids to a drug rehab unit so one poster above is wrong.

They made it clear fo social services they would not be having the kids back. Their actions meant the court/local authority formally committed them and then to foster/specialist care. It had been a very aggressive downward spiral with lotsbof anti-scoial behnaviour and theft from parents. It got quite heated at one stage and the parents made plans to emmigrate to Canada (nurse and accountant fyi)

Not seeing anything to suggest religion helped him.

Quite common for people with addiction problems and other major life crises to find the support and teachings of the Church very helpful.

OP sorry for diverting your thread, I’ll stop. Good luck.

@jambalaya – i know he is physically addicted and i think that one of the main problems is that he has always been active and needs stimulation. He was bored where he lived with his wife, lost his job, and this triggered the whole thing off. My parents have tried to keep him away from temptation but the ‘cabin fever’ then makes him drink as he is not active and marriage thoughts enter his head – its a vicious circle to some degree. He rode the Dyfi enduro in May, despite having a heavy dependance, and finished it easily. If i could take him away to the highlands of Scotland for a couple of weeks of biking, i think it would do him the world of good and help him tp see his situation more clearly, but i’m not in position where i can dedicate all my time to him.

Thanks for all the replies. Its comforting to know that others have conquered this and there have been happy endings

Jam I don’t want to divert someone else’s thread but I’ll reply quickly to your post . I think being part of and active in our Church gave my brother a wider community and sense of purpose it also kept him busy . All of this was very positive and I don’t begrudge that at all .

Our neighbor and good friend of many years took her alcoholic son in, thinking she could change him. All the same tricks of hiding bottles, taking the dog out etc etc were there, just as you are experiencing. We supported her, going down at 3am as he had fallen out of bed, broken his arm, cut himself and bled all over the place…… And more.

It got to a point where she put a bolt on the outside of his room door to keep him in, and one on the inside of hers to keep him out….

It was really scary going to help her, knowing the guy had a knife in his room to open wine cases…..

It all came to a head when he attacked his 80 yr old mum and working with the family, social services removed him.he almost died over a weekend but kept drinking……

Family support is important but it’s not the cure especially if he can’t see the need to change…. It’s a job for professionals and for family to look after each other and re establish normality if possible…..

Having seen the fallout from this addiction in an intelligent man with two masters degrees, I feel for you and hope you get the external support you need for everyone’s health and wellbeing.

Rehab just won’t work until he decides and wants to change.

Sadly it’s this.

Until he decides he doesn’t want to drink any more no one will be able to make him (not even himself).

Beyond that I don’t really have any advice from experience, just sympathy for your situation and the thought that if it were my brother and my mum and dad I’d be suggesting they change the locks and leave a suitcase on the doorstep – you can’t help someone who won’t be helped.

Hi. I have a sister-in-law who is an alcoholic. My wife’s family have supported her financially and have tried various intervention techniques including paying for her to fly to Vancouver to stop with another sister for a spell to give her space to work things through. Over years we have forked out a serious amount of cash, all wasted in my opinion. Do NOT spend your house deposit. No good will come of it.

I have another friend who is an alcoholic. Whilst he was married (still is) he didn’t have the strong family network to support him and hit his personal rock bottom. He acknowledged the problem, went to AA and is now several years sober. If you asked him (I have) he would reinforce that intervention is pointless at this stage. Your brother needs to acknowledge that he has a problem. Not just pay lip service when sober but real acknowledgment. HE[/u] then needs to address that ideally through AA. Again, don’t waste money on him. By all means be there emotionally but this is his problem and he needs to deal with it.

The above may seem harsh but in my experience it is the only way.

Alcohol is a horrible, horrible drug. My father is an alcoholic, and I spent most of December on the phone to either his wife, threatening to kill herself, my father, wracked with remorse or drunk and angry, or their daughter, who is understandbly having an incredibly hard time. Calmed down a bit now Christmas is over – temporarily I’m sure.

I have to agree with Coyote don’t spend your house deposit on him.
I had a very good friend who was an alcoholic so know a bit about it. It’s a very selfish illness and the sufferer won’t care at all if they drag you down with them.
Unless they themselves take the steps to help themselves there’s no point in you intervening.
My friend eventually saw the light and sorted himself out after all his friends stopped ringing him and paid him no attention. Only then did he acknowledge his problem and sort himself out.

I worked with a fantastic guy, ultra professional, loved his job, wife and kids, great life.
He started drinking after a family death and after 10 years ended up with , no wife, kids didn’t see him,
All his friends tried and tried to get him off the drink to no avail.
He ended up living with another alcoholic in a council flat , and died after setting the flat on fire.
A totally wasted life, and no amount of help would change his ways.
When I saw him dishevelled on the streets in a drunken state it used to bring a tear to my eye .
My father in law was also alcoholic , and as said above its a very selfish addiction, was a great bloke when sober, but when drunk was a total nightmare.he ended up living alone after he had betrayed all our trust and help time after time.

I’ve had a close family member who was an addict/alcoholic and a neighbour was also an alcoholic.

Given that experience I completely agree with Coyote.

This may sound harsh, but by providing a safe environment with no responsibility, your parents are basically enabling him to continue with his lifestyle- which in the long run is not doing him (or them) any favours.
As others have said, he needs to hit rock bottom, and decide for himself that enough is enough. Let him contact the local authority for emergency housing if he needs somewhere to stay.
I would suggest kicking him out of your parents house, and letting him fend for himself. Distance yourselves from him.
Rehab at this stage, when he always has a safety net, would just be a waste of time and money.
Tough love.

My ex wife was alcoholic.

It needs the alcoholic to do something about it. No amount of external input can solve it.

Save yourselves first, then help them if you can.

Save yourselves first though.

I want to ask a couple of questions before drawing any conclusions as there could be any number of individual factors which could be quite important..

How old is your brother?
How long has he been drinking like this?
Was he reliant on alcohol or a regular drinker before this behaviour started?
What are your parents attitudes to alcohol?
What’s his social circle?
Are there children involved in the breakdown of his marriage?

I’ve hit the booze and nearly drunk myself to death before on a couple of occasions..

From experience – what Coyote said

@Yunki.

he is 33
We dont know as he has been living in sweden.
He liked a drink but not to this level
My parents do drink but not to excess
He has lots of friends but not a circle as such. He didnt have any friends where he was living , had little job prospects due to to the towns geography, was in a foreign country, struggled with the language, his wife had her family around her but my brother had no one apart from his wife. When they had a daughter, he was pushed aside and had no say over anything – he was below the in laws when it came to having a say. He wanted to leave but his wife didn’t want to, so he was stuck. This is when it started, but rather than getting support from the people around him for the early problems, it was used against him. This has led to the marriage break up and has compounded the problem. His wife and daughter are still in Sweden, he is now in the UK

Response from Mrs Daz, a drug and alcohol worker with 15 years experience….

Sorry to hear what you and your family are going through, but a couple of things…

Please make sure that everyone in the family knows that it is dangerous for a physically dependent drinker to suddenly stop drinking, particularly with a history of seizures. Hopefully you will already know this. It can be fatal. Cutting down is fine but to detox requires professional help.

Your brother has been to the GP – s/he will refer on to the alcohol service. They can arrange a detox. You do not need to pay for it. I agree with Coyote. The ONLY way that your brother will stop is when he is motivated to do so himself. Detoxing is the start of a long road to recovery, but repeated detoxes take their toll on a person’s body and do more harm than good. Timing is crucial – again, engagement with the alcohol service will address this.

Finally, it’s fab that your family are so keen to support your brother, and that support will mean everything if/when he starts to sort himself out, but in the meantime it’s really easy and understandable to get caught up in the drama and chaos of everything centring around the drinker. I’ve seen too many families burn out dealing with the chaos, and you then have no energy left for when they need it, which is after they stop drinking. What you and your parents need to be doing is actually looking after yourselves. The support groups mentioned earlier would help, as well as helplines. Your local drug/alcohol team may be able to point you to local groups. You using STW is a good start!!

Ultimately, and this is tough, your brother is the only one who can help himself. He needs to access the professional support.

It’s bloody tough for families, really hope he manages to get it sorted…

Good luck.

What Coyote said.
What Beefheart said.

It is the only way. Sorry.

Hope it works out, in the end.

Is he drinking alone or with friends? Is his furtive behaviour a result of family pressure?
Is he in work or have anything else going on in his life?
What is at the root of his drinking, what’s causing him distress? Heartbreak? Loss of his daughter? Feelings of failure?

Is he drinking to hide the pain?
How long since he got home?

I know it’s a lot of questions, but I drank to help with emotional pain, and emotional pain does ease over time..
Clearly drinking is not the right answer, due to long-term health problems, and the impact on day to day life, but it seems like he has made the choice to use alcohol as a crutch for now..

It would be useful to know if his problem is chronic or acute as in long or short term, and also whether he sees any light at the end of the tunnel.. whether he has a plan of any sort..

Would he consider seeing his GP?
Is there any underlying anxiety or depression that could be treated?

You’ve described to a T my sister, but add an infant to the mix.

It’s a terrible thing, and not something you can do much about.

My thoughts are with you and your parents, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I don’t have any personal or professional experience of this sort of thing – but it sounds absolutely terrible. Wishing the OP all the best – and good on the STW contributors who have given advice.

Thanks for all the responses, it just feels good to talk about the situation.

@Yunki – he is drinking alone to ease emotional pain that he can’t cope with. He has lost all confidence and self esteem and has gone from the hugely responsible job of guiding/ensuring the safety of oil workers in the middle east (we are not sure if trauma from this dangerous job has influenced things)to having no job at the moment and as he sees it, no propects and no light at the end of the tunnel. He has now been at my parents since the 20th December.

Basically his life is empty at the moment, as i said previously, he has nothing to concentrate on apart from the unhappy thoughts

I think if he could see a light at the end of the tunnel and that he can have a happy life after his marriage breakup then this would really help – but as the divorce etc is happening as we speak, he can’t escape from that part of his life that has caused the problems.

I know he has gone with my parents to see the GP for assessment today and there has also been a meeting with the local alchohol help team, so i’m really hoping that there is some positive news later on.

i really appreciate the input from STW’s, so thankyou.

Another +1 for him not changing until he’s ready. I have a family member who was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. Every single day she drank at LEAST one bottle of vodka, usually knocking a half bottle down a time. The only way to stop her drinking in the house at Xmas was either to put the booze in the loft or have it in my room (she had enough pride not to sneak in). The family was generally supportive in trying to get her to want to be well and my grandparents put their hand in their pockets a lot and without this I’m sure she’d never have got better. When the prospect of becoming a grandmother surfaced, she stopped drinking and is lovely (although she always was, sober).

From what the family says, she was a functioning alcoholic followed by barely functioning alcoholic for over 20 years until SHE wanted to give it up.

If he has willingly gone to the GP about his drinking then hopefully he is starting to realise how out of control it has become.
If he contacted AA he would be able to talk to someone who has been through what he is going through, but have managed to come out the other side. They are free and will have groups near to where he is living.

Agree that the GP is a positive step.. The doc will usually be the first port of call for referral to alcohol services anyway so it’s the right decision..

I hope things work out swiftly for all of you..
I was trying to get across in my questions that this really can be just a blip in the greater scheme of things despite people’s fears and horror stories, and that everyone is different..

Your brother is fairly young and is going through a tough time, he may still be a very long way from life changing alcoholism.. It’s just as likely that he’ll pull through when his emotions are a bit more settled, especially if he can access the right help and support..

Try maybe not to be too judgemental, look for humour in the situation and don’t get bogged down by your fears..
It was a supportive set of non-judgemental friends (many of them drinkers themselves) that helped me get through and out the other side of my problems

As roper says, talking to people who have been through it themselves will help

Best of luck 🙂

Well he went to see the GP and asked my parents if he could stay in town for a bit. My parents were trying to give him a bit of freedom. However, the agreement for him to get the 3 0’clock bus back has been and gone and now there is no sign of him. The signs of a sober night are not good and another night of worry for my parents.

My parents are taking him to the council to get him into a hostel tomorrow (if he turns up). Enough is enough and he will be out on his own. He has no friends to help him through. I have to admit, my positivity is severely waining and i really am now gearing myself up for the worst.

I know just how bad its is, I really feel for you
also along with AA there are other people out there to help, try
smart recovery, a non religious recovery way of doing things, AA despite what they say are religious

also don’t know to much about it so you will have to do your research, but look up
the Sinclair method, from what I have read it seems to have a high success rate, but you will need to check it out for your self, also look for jon sleeper on the net has a lot of stuff to listen to,
or ask the doc about CBT recovery, there is a lot out there, but like other people have said, I has to start with the individual
best of luck
craig

I had a similar issue with a family member and ended up parting with a lot of cash to put them through a private rehab programme. That appears to have worked well (several years and counting) however the key factor was that the person wanted to get help. Without that it’d have been a waste of money.