All kids are different, so you just have to go with what feels right with you at the time.

Personally, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It sounds like he’s healthy and his diet isn’t really that bad. I would just keep giving him healthy choices and back off a bit from forcing him. Once you make a big issue of it, it only gets worse.

Strong willed is good in life and should be encouraged. But it means that they like to make their own decisions . All you can do is teach them right from wrong, and give them plenty of options and experiences. Start making the choices for him (like what to eat) and he’ll choice the opposite just so he feels he’s in control.

All easy to say I know, and difficult when battling with them. If it helps, kids are generally fussy eaters, especially at 4.

Isn’t this what pudding is for?

Finish dinner or no pudding. Worked on getting my sister and me to eat pretty much any vegetable my mum put in font of us – except for broad beans, but there are limits.

And I like sprouts. They’re good roasted too.

Have you tried plain pasta and rice? – I’m looking at his list of likes and seeing only mild flavours. My lad doesn’t like sauce on rice or pasta.

You may find things improve massively once he gets to school and has a new environment with a peer group that’s eating all sorts of stuff.

I was a fussy kid, his tastes will change.

I would eat meat, potatoes, peas and carrots only, no other veg. Salad made me gag, I rarely ate fruit unless it was part of a desert.

I now eat everything and anything, there genuinely isn’t anything I don’t like, so things will change.

Is there anything he *really* likes to eat? Maybe encouraging him to make the right choices by rewarding him with things he likes would work? If you eat a spoonful of that, you can have this type of thing. But you have to be firm, and if he doesn’t keep his side of the bargain, don’t relent.

Don’t worry too much about it, I was a very fussy eater as a child, parents tried force feeding, starvation and pretty much everything else. All these techniques achieved was to strain my relationship with my parents and damage my self-esteem. I was lucky that I got over it very young and now eat pretty much everything.

I have worked with very damaged and traumatised children for years, the most important skill in my line of work is patience. Weird quirks or “difficult” behaviour can be a symptom of another problem. Maybe your son does have ADHD, maybe he doesn’t (most diagnoses of ADHD in my experience do more harm than good) but I wouldn’t worry too much about all of this. I think the key to overcoming this is (and this sounds a lot easier than it is) to be patient, understanding, loving and accepting. Eventually, your son will become confident enough to try other foods and move on from whatever is causing him to get stuck with this issue. Oh, and get him to bed earler, 7pm is about right I think.

Give this website a good going over, it is right and (trust me) really does work…

Secure Base

At his age, it is more important that your son feels love and can trust you than it is for him to conform to “normal” patterns of behaviour imposed on him by people he grows to fear and mistrust.

we had a similar issue with our son…we found that a combination of backing off/being strict/letting him go hungry or thirsty helped….it was a case of knowing when to do the aforementioned.
we also found it helpful in helping him understand why he needed to try different foods…explaining this to a 4 year old can be tricky so we kind of used the “green giant advert” technique.
we used his own favourite toys and characters on him…i.e. fireman sam eats all his greens/ spiderman eats all his fruits and thats why he’s so strong etc.
we also used an reward/incentive chart on him…this does work but has to be strictly reinforced

Yes to early bed time Crankbrat was going up for bath stories bed at 7pm we brought it forward to 6.30 and have seen an improvement in behaviour as he is less tired and cranky . He had started to drop his naps at nursery and this was having an impact on tea time behaviour .

One of our twins is like this to an extent. There is now an established narrow repertoire of meals that she will eat, but they do include all the food groups so she is healthy. She will have pasta, ham and 3 types of vegetables whilst the rest of us eat a roast. As others have said, we have accepted this as she is strong willed and I am not sure that she likes strong flavours

She also recognises that she may like different foods in the future.

We reward for eating all vegetables = one treat. Clear your plate and you can have all the chocolate you can eat, there is rarely enough room for much, but I have found it a great motivator!

We also reward and praise for trying new foods, she ate a strawberry yesterday.

You certainly need to sort the bedtime thing out – he should be in bed soon after 7, and certainly asleep by 8.
Our youngest is 3.5 and she is normally in bed by 7.30, and asleep soon after 8.

As for the food, don’t make a big deal out of it, but it does need sorting.
Ignore all those insisting you need to starve him in order to get him to eat – introducing small amounts of new stuff without making a big deal is the way to go – mini versions of your dinner.

My kids eat pretty much anything, however this was forced on the oldest (who is 7 today) as she was milk/gluten intolerant from birth, and diagnosed as a coeliac when she was 5. (she eats diary now) so she had to eat a varied diet due to lack of options!

They have dinner at the child minders 4 nights a week so eat whatever is dished up (roast dinners/fish pie/jacket potatoes/pasta)

You need to sort it for your own benefit as much as his – to put it into context, our eldest asked to go for a curry to celebrate her 7th birthday this evening – now isn’t this nicer than McDonalds!

Don’t make an issue of it each time he doesn’t eat. Just leave him to it. Apparently I was a poor eater when a kid, keep being told I only ate bread and water. Never affected me and , Jeez, I love my food now.

Seems like he is eating at least some of the proper foods. If he is fit and healthy then leave him to it.

I’d echo others comments. Its not easy seeing them go hungry but it will work. Offer them the food and if they dont eat it fine. However, if they do dont make a big deal of it as this can backfire. Its all about not giving them control over you! Try to make meals as just something you do for the time being rather than an event (if this makes sense).

It will work. My eldest is nearly six. Really fussy but now eats more and more new foods. Also it goes in cycles which I guess relates to growing. Some weeks he eats like a horse other weeks almost nothing.

A final point. Some advice is to not make pudding a treat i.e they only get it if they eat their greens. Treat it as another part of the meal. Not sure I fully agree but we do it anyway as its a good way of getting them to eat fruit!

Good luck.

I was a massively fussy eater as a kid, and still am to a certain extent.

The only tip I’d give you is to try and avoid making it an issue.

I was really thin as a child, and barely ate anything. I just didn’t like food. The times where mealtimes turned into a battle of wills with my parents are burned into my memory and I still can’t eat some foods because of it.

When they eventually just said “sod it”, and stopped watching what I ate, I found it much easier. Being distracted at meal times by general conversation, but being made to sit at the table made me just kind of pick at food, and eventually made me realize it tasted OK, and the texture wasn’t to horrific.

For years after I only really ate because I was hungry, but over time, I’ve actually come to enjoy eating, and now struggle with being a bit of a porker!

Sorry if it has been asked already, but do you eat as a family, all sat together at the table?

Its not easy seeing them go hungry but it will work

Not necessarily. If the kid is just a bit sassy, it might. If the kid has a proper phobia or psychological problem then it won’t, and will most likely be seriously damaging.

Oh and another tip with vegetables – cook them soft. My mum loves crunchy vegetables, but I couldn’t bear the texture. When I learned to eat them it was when I cooked for myself as a student and I could soften them up and take the edge of the vegetabley taste. They are also sweeter when cooked soft. I still prefer them softer now, although not falling apart of course.

I was a fussy eater when i was younger and I still used to have to have my veg mashed until i was about 11 as it was the only way my parents could get me to eat them. I agree with Molgrips about the well cooked veg, and I still only eat veg if its cooked til its soft.

I only really started to become adventurous (for me) with food when I started going to friends/girlfriends for tea. Its a lot harder to refuse food when someone else’s parents have cooked it and so I used to force things down and discover that I actually quite liked certain things! It used to drive my parents mad when they found what I’d been eating at such and such a persons house because i’d never touch it at home.

In the end I just resorted to telling mum that the reason I ate them elswhere was because they were a better cook than her 😀

Ok forgive me if I reiterate things other’s have said.
The problem with mealtime issues is that food is a simple area for kids to exercise control. Fussiness is a way for them to do this.

The crying himself to sleep due to hunger show’s the manipulation and that there’s still enough energy in him.

The earlier the food fussiness is tackled consistently the better. It might be worth moving the clock on 15 years…

The behaviour is entrenched and he will not eat a balanced healthy diet so his health suffers (constant colds etc…), social interactions (i.e. going to a restaurent) become problematical (will only eat x & y which reduces the options) and his education has suffered.

My ex- and I argued about her philosophy of “you shouldn’t make a kid eat what he doesn’t like”, I was right but she had custody.
My youngest with the Mrs tried it on, cue several tricky holidays in France when he was little, but were on the same page. Now he’s 16 and eats most things, even the stuff he doesn’t like. He’s even eaten prawns at a friend’s house, just to be polite.

The problem with mealtime issues is that food is a simple area for kids to exercise control. Fussiness is a way for them to do this.

Maybe sometimes, but not always. I had a deep seated phobia. I would be terrified of staying at people’s houses. At age 16 an exchange trip for a week caused serious anxiety, and despite desperately wanting to be normal and eat the food, I couldn’t. I tried and almost vomited, and I felt utterly humiliated and ashamed. Even though by this age part of my brain knew that the taste wasn’t really that bad and I desperately wanted to eat, I couldn’t.

However I should point out I was exceptionally healthy as a kid, and bigger and stronger than most. I ate things in tomatoey sauces, and I ate beans and drank juices. This apparently was enough to keep me healthy!

So for some kids, maybe it’s a control thing, but not for all. You have to decide if he is just trying it on or has a real problem.

Johndoh-Yes we all eat together at the table and have the tv off so no distractions
We have tried to encourage him with the reward chart thing but no joy.
We only plate him up small portions but no joy.
We leave the plate there for about 30 mins-1 hour for him to go back too but still no joy.
Again from an early age he has never gone to sleep early.
He is not the type of little boy you can put to bed at 7 and read him a story and he falls asleep.
Thats another story!!

It could be worse, it could be my nephew. He’s nearly 9 and it pains me to see how he has his parents under total control (the food is only part of it). Incidentally, they were fairly old when their only child was born and are rather precious, which certainly doesn’t help them or the kids for that matter.

Anyway, from seeing him in action, I understand the difference between a fussy eater and what the OP may be experiencing. It’s a hard ride, but you really don’t want this several years down the line.

He is not the type of little boy you can put to bed at 7 and read him a story and he falls asleep.

Ok but perhaps he should know that he goes to his room at 7 and can read until he goes to sleep (i.e. with no TV, games or electronic equipment to keep him wired)

A four yr old child will eat whatever food you choose to give them as they have no other choice.
It isn’t **** rocket science.

A four yr old child will eat whatever food you choose to give them as they have no other choice.

a) not necessarily, if they are stubborn enough they will starve themselves to the point of physical harm

b) what effect do you think that would have on the kid?

OP: does your boy know why he has to eat his food? Our kid knows all about noo tree yents and why she needs them.

Awww he sounds like my boy. Fussy little bugger.
We go for the “don’t make an issue” approach. He will frequently eat no tea except a bit of fruit. Tough luck!

molgrips, don’t necessarily agree about the vegetables, mine will only eat carrots raw, for example. So I guess it depends on the nature the fussiness takes!

My boy definitely has a sensitive sense of taste! I used to try and sneak, say a pea, in with a mouthful of pasta pesto – he would chew it, I’d think I’d got away with it, then he’d spit out the pea eat the rest and pull a face. Also give him a delicious bit of chocolate and nut cake and he won’t eat it as he can taste the nuts, even though he loves chocolate cake.

We have also tried sending him to school dinners, thinking that over time he would start eating new things through peer pressure. It hasn’t worked, we keep getting lectures from the school about how they are worried about him and we’re not getting value for money as he doesn’t eat. (He is not skinny and eats an enormous breakfast, so I am not worried)

At age 16 an exchange trip for a week caused serious anxiety..

Er..

The earlier the food fussiness is tackled consistently the better. It might be worth moving the clock on 15 years…

The behaviour is entrenched and he will not eat a balanced healthy diet so his health suffers (constant colds etc…), social interactions (i.e. going to a restaurent) become problematical

My 2 year old can be a right fussy little sod, some days he won’t eat anything, others he’ll demolish everything in sight all day long.

He often sits down with us at tea time and has a little plate of whatever we’re having, anything from a pasta dish to a tandoori chicken biyrani (?) with all the trimmings!! The boy certainly has a taste for spicy food, and there’s no bad after effects either 😀

Patience and figuring out what he likes and introducing new things along the way is where it’s at. Because of his love of grown up food, getting him to eat little kids dishes is a walk in the park now cos they look the same

in bedby 7.30 and eat what you’re given or not at all (throw them a bone though [not literally] make something familiar that he would eat and mix it in). Eat with them. Don’t bargain with them, don’t hover over them with the spoon. Eat yours, comment on how delicious it is and how nice it is to eat tea together etc.

If that doesnt work beat him and lock in the cupboard under thestairs persevere

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but for any would-be parents reading this, our kids:
a) eat just about anything they’re faced with
b) are flat out by 8pm every day without fail and sleep through til 6

The food thing… we did baby led weaning. None of this mushing everything up for them. They ate what we ate from 6 months. Now obviously we weren’t giving them chunks of steak and stuff but veg, bits of bread, ham, cheese and stuff were all put in front of them to play with, try eating etc. Obviously only works if you’ve a decent diet but its something I’d reccommend to anyone.

The bedtime thing is all about routine from day 1. 7pm start and then its bath, bedroom with a book each whilst the little one has his milk and then shove both in bed, put their music box on and walk out the room. Done.

Davey that ain’t the answer to everything as we did baby led weaning too, and my eldest is still super fussy.

I was a little stressed out about weaning my daughter as the eldest was so fussy, so one might think my “stress levels” or whatever would rub off on her, guess what, she eats everything. I think, although there’s stuff you can do to mitigate it, it’s just the luck of the draw to a certain extent.

Also I think the bed time thing is a red herring. OP isn’t moaning about bedtime?
Mine go to bed late (8:30-9), they get up late (7:30 or later). It works for us. We’re too disorganised to get them to bed earlier and we don’t like (or have to) get up really early (i.e. 7:30 will do in the week even though school/nursery runs are a bit of a rush)

A four yr old child will eat whatever food you choose to give them as they have no other choice.

I like my children so I’d rather they didn’t starve themselves.

It’s difficult for me to offer advice, as my daughter is a brilliant eater, and children are individuals. All I can say is what worked for us: baby-led weaning and (trying) not to make a fuss if she didn’t want to eat. We have a simple rule of “you don’t have to eat it but there’s nothing else”. Very easy to say of course when your kid will clear her plate most of the time.

Get some pictures of starving Biafrans and scream at him about how lucky he is?

That’s what my mum and dad did, althouggh the BBC provided the pictures.

You know,

I get frustrated in the tech threads on here sometimes, where an OP goes “my computer doesn’t work” or some such, and half a dozen people come wading in with solutions when it’s far from clear what the problem actually is. One of the things I’m trying to hammer into the junior techs at work is to do some ground work before trying to escalate problems; what are the symptoms, what OS is it, what’s changed, what errors are you getting, what have you already tried?

Strikes me that the same is happening here. Half of us are trying to solve the kids being difficult, the other half are trying to solve the kids having difficulties. Without knowing whether they’re being awkward, playing confrontational control games, or gripped in abject terror, there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

So that’s what you need to do first. The boy won’t eat. Why?

My 3 year old is very similar to this. He had reflux from a very young age and also a form of epilepsy that doesn’t include a physical fit (Panayiotopoulos syndrome).

carlosg – Totally off-topic, but Panayiotopoulos was my neurologist. Top bloke and I have him to thank for being fit-free for 15+ years (just in case you’re cursing him…). You have my sympathy.

Cougar is a wise man.

Funny how modern children have conditions that were unknown when I was young. How did we ever get to grow up and have successful careers and normal adult lives?

By struggling like hell in many cases.

By struggling like hell in many cases

I agree entirely, but wasn’t that the driving force in many cases?

molgrips – Member

a) not necessarily, if they are stubborn enough they will starve themselves to the point of physical harm

I’ve helped bring up more children than most and have never come across this situation.
Not once.
Once the kid is hungry enough they’ll eat whatever is in front of them. It doesn’t take long.

<swoons> at sbob – what a big man, what a ‘helper’! Do you have any kids of your own or do you just pop out from under the bridge to help incompetent parents as a hobby?

AD – Member

<swoons> at sbob – what a big man, what a ‘helper’! Do you have any kids of your own or do you just pop out from under the bridge to help incompetent parents as a hobby?

Have you not heard of foster care?
I’m happy to help anyone that needs help, they don’t need to be a parent or incompetent.
I’ve even got a “thank you” card from someone I helped, it’s on my desk in front of me and cheers me up when I am feeling sad, which is quite often at the moment.

What do you like to do to help people AD?