After one surgery (full anesthesia) I had problem peeing, it is pretty common problem apparently. Head nurse then decided that it was time to use a catheter.
I then heard a junior nurse muttering that “we have run out if small catheters” to which head nurse responds that use whatever size there is, it’ll fit.
In my drug-induced haze I felt bit proud that I’d need bigger size until I learned that catheter goes inside your personal plumbing and not on top. Eek.
“You haven’t been catherized before? This will sting a bit”. Aargh..

a woman I work with was eating shepherd’s pie while semi pissed.The next day she couldn’t find her denture .The mystery was only solved about a month later when she finally gave in and reported her crippling stomach cramps. The medics found the false teeth by which point it had chewed its way into her bowel .she would have died within days but to her credit she laughed at the novelty chattering dentures I left on her desk when she came back to work

This is a “my mate..” story but if you think it’s really my story, that’s fine.

Anyway – my mate Sean (aged 15/16) was enjoying a Sunday night bath when thoughts got around to releasing some adolescent tension. Part way through his frenetic five fingered festivities, his frenulum was overstressed and duly snapped. It was a royal spurter and the water was soon great white attack red. Sean screamed in agony and fear and his mum came racing up the stairs to see what the hell was going on. On entering the bathroom, she saw her precious boy immersed in diluted claret and for some reason, thought he had slashed his wrists. She immediately passed out, smacking her head on Armitage Shank’s finest and was knocked out cold. I can’t imagine what his dad thought when he happened upon that scene.

I did my knee in a few years ago sliding on mud and using the tree stump for an anchor, i had this very young blonde who stitched me up 4 hrs it took her as there had to be internal stitches too, to cut a long story short she made a cracking job of it and i happen to be in the same ae with my son two months later and there she was im right off down to my pants just to show off her handywork my son was so embarrassed but i thought she should see how good her embroidery skills are

I’ve never lost as much dignity as the time I broke my collarbone.
Did it coming off the road bike, got a mate to pick me up and drop me off at A&E.
Nurse managed to get my top off and then send me for an x-ray. I had to walk through the whole of casualty and into the main hospital in just my bibshorts and fully cleated road shoes. I’m a fair way above an ideal weight and have nothing like a physique that looks good in lycra, so I hobbled/slid/clopped my way to the x-ray department sounding like a broken horse and looking like a failed Mexican wrestler!

Both times I’ve had a general I’ve had to have a pee before they’ve let me go home – both for hernias though, so not sure if that also affects things. Don’t think there was any offer of catheters – were you an in patient?

Though having not thought I had one, I suppose that does bring to mind an embarrassing medical moment – sitting around in the waiting area drinking water and discussing whether or not we could pee with all the others in a similar predicament.

Made lots of thinly disguised lewd suggestions including, “Now, are you sure you wouldn’t like a hand?”.

So you went private?

^^ They told me I had to be emptied because of bladder was getting close to bursting. Going home was not option in this case due injuries.
After that incident I have been able to do the thing without help. The body remembers… 🙂

as a yoot I’d properly smashed myself up courtesy of an over-active right wrist…….although this was connected to the throttle of a 600cc bike not a fragile banjo string (for once)

I thought I might be able to ‘do a Glastonbury’ and simply go without a poo whilst I was in hospital, but as it dawned on me I was going to be there for many weeks not just a few days I bowed to the inevitable and requested the paper tray for a bed-bound dump and had the curtains drawn around my bed. I won’t dwell on the effort to lift myself into position with feet, ankles, legs, wrists, hands and fingers all smashed, let alone that to squeeze out a monster dump whilst in a prone position……but there were tears in my eyes.

When done, and feeling quite proud of myself, I placed the tray on my legs and pressed the big red button for the nurse / HCA to take it away. Nothing happened for a minute or two until the curtain was pulled back by an entire crash team who then explained the difference the ‘call a nurse’ button and the ‘I’m dying’ alarm

Sat in A&E with a foot injury feeling somewhat less sorry for myself after reading this thread.

On entering the bathroom, she saw her precious boy immersed in diluted claret and for some reason, thought he had slashed his wrists. She immediately passed out, smacking her head on Armitage Shank’s finest and was knocked out cold. I can’t imagine what his dad thought when he happened upon that scene.

He wouldn’t know what order things happened in, for a start. Sean: “Oh no, mum’s out cold…

I have the strangest…”

Late addition to this post but 2 things spring to mind. Good few years ago had to have a lump removed from testicles. Given 2 blunt bic razors to shave pubes but cut myself to bits. Nurse popped her head round the door. Promptly soaped up rubbed it all over my balls lifted my old chap and shaved it clean telling me don’t worry I’ve practiced on balloons.
Other one last year fell off bike and tore foreskin didn’t heal and scared so had to visit the hospital as the tear kept opening up and couldn’t function properly. Turned up for appointment went in instead of the male doc I was supposed to see. Early 30s very attractive dark haired lady with a very soft Scottish accent. Pissed her of to start asking where the doc was she said I am a doctor go behind there and take trousers off. Then she said il get you a chaperone. Bought the young nurse in I’d been having a laugh with earlier. Thought it couldn’t get any worse then doc started to pull foreskin back as far as she could. And started rubbing the scar with her thumb to see if it would open up. Looked up and asked what it was like when erect. I thought to myself keep rubbing like that you will find out. The young nurse was doing her best not to laugh as think she could read what I was thinking.After much rubbing she looked at me smiled and said that has to come off. I looked in horror She then explained I needed a curcumcission which isn’t something I’d recommend to anyone ( no banjo to play with