First things first: I’m a daily visitor/lurker and frequent/occasional poster here, but I’m using an anonymous account for the purpose of this sensitive post/thread. I am NOT a big-hitter so there’s no point trying to guess who I am.

Here’s the thing, things have reached an all time low in the family household and rather than getting up and walking out on my wife and two teenage daughters I’m thinking that we need to ‘start again’ as it were – air our feelings and grievances in a civilised manner and then come to an agreement on the way forward so that we can ‘feel the love’ again.

It all came to a head yesterday evening when my youngest treated me like something on the bottom of her shoe again and then I went off on one and called her some nasty names (which I regret doing), she then went super-mental (like never before seen) and then her big sister weighed in on me too…my wife when she got home was a bit stuck in the middle but as per usual sided with the kids. My wife and I make little effort with each other, but deep down I believe we still love each other. I said to my wife last night “I love all three of you, but I’m finding it harder and harder to live with the three of you”. A fair few tears were shed by all throughout the night.

I’m wondering about suggesting we go for family counselling with Relate, has anyone been in, or had a friend who’s been in a similar situation and found this helpful? Or will this drag things out over weeks and possibly months, not allowing wounds to heal?

Relate works for some, got to be worth a try? not going to be easy though, as you anticipate. I’ve not been through what you are in BTW..

I’d give Relate a shot. Makes all of you focus on how much you’re annoying each other, though be warned that there are no silver bullets.

I’ve used their services, though not for family counselling. Found them to be very good; we’re still together now, and weren’t at the time, so that’s a personal testament to counselling. That said, you all have to want to make things work; dragging disinterested parties along won’t be all that useful.

Counselling can help no doubt. You have nothing to loose by doing so

I’ve used Relate, for marriage stuff though, not family stuff.

I thought they were excellent. Ultimately my wife and I split up, but the time with Relate allowed that to happen in a dignified and consensual manner, with none of the bitterness and acrimony that so may splits give rise to.

nick, that sounds promising. As you’ve probably worked out with my daughters’ ages, we’ve been together for a while, over twenty years through thick and thin…it just feels like its bordering on wafer-thin right now.

With goodwill allround you can make it work if you all want

I’ve said it before:

1) Apolgise. Unreservedly and unequivocally. Even if you think you are right. Why? Because if you have pissed the other person off then you must have done something to piss them off, even if you did it with the best of intentions, if it pissed them off then you have made a mistake. So apologise for that.

2) Forgiveness: Try and remember how you felt when you were first in love. You would forgive them for anything. If you really love someone you can let go of all the “bad” things they have done and forgive them.

3) Their shoes: Arguments are just about your perception being different from their perception. So once you have forgiven, your mind is open to walking in their shoes for a minute.

I find this gets me through most shit that life doles me out..

In fact I nicked it from here :making terrorism history . I know it sounds daft but what drives two groups to want to bomb the crap out of each other is often just a breakdown in understanding of each other..

Good on you for recognising some thing is wrong, but actually wanting to rectify it, rather than just blaming everyone else and walking away.

Just think first though how will your wife react if you say you want to go to counselling. People do have different views, some people see it as a way to find out differences and work through them, others might see the mentioning of counselling as an insult or that the marriage has failed and time to move on.

Think how your wife will take on board the mentioning of counselling, and if you think it will be a positive reaction then every thing to gain and nothing to loose by doing it.

TJ, I think and hope we all want it to work. Each of us have had a fair bit of stress from other factors over the last year or so – the girls with exam pressures and us ‘grown-ups’ with work, money, poor health (our own and other family members) and other such issues.

Life’s not easy is it?

EDIT: toys19, some good advice there – I’ve apologised to my daughter for the name-calling already. Will read the terrorism article later!

hoonose – its a book, you’ll need to buy it. About 4 quid I think. I refer to it often..

I think it’s worth remembering/realising that it only works if you see it as a way of understanding what the other party(ies) think(s), not as a way of getting them to understand what you think.

And yes, you all have to want to be there.

t19, oh right, cheers.

I’ve got to pop out now, I will return later, please keep posting, it’s all helpful.

Life’s not easy is it?

I think relationships require constant effort to keep on track otherwise its just easy to drift apart without ever having intended to…..

footflaps: you’re absolutely bang on there!

Good luck – footflaps is absolutely right.

FWIW I’ve almost walked over the way my stepsons have treated me in the past. It’s very hard to deal with, especially if you love your partner (who seems the innocent party in all this) but there needs to be an accepted and agreed standard of conduct. I insist that my stepsons learn to speak properly at home, if they can put their arguments across in a mature fashion then I’ll indulge them time. If they start off by treating me like dirt then they forfeit their PS3 and mobile phone privileges.

And try to stick by your own rules…

huge respect to you for doing this. It gets tough as children grow up as they start to get rights in the house as well (but usually without the recognition of the responisibilies)

toys19 is spot on

All I can add is I know a couple of families who have ‘family meetings’ every week just to air what is going on and discuss solutions together rather than having fixes imposed by one or other member. However in the end someone has to be able to run these meetings and decide on the final solutions if agreement can’t be found.

Maybe you need a house ‘mod’ 🙂

+ on respect for you for doing this. I’ve been moved reading people’s advice on this issue in the past here. Family is important. I hope you work it out — it will take lots of work!

Thanks all for advice and support. Bloody Whitney Houston was singing ‘I will always love you’ on the radio on the way home which got me a little choked up, I’m a grown man for Christ’s sake!

http://www.relate.org.uk/family-counselling/index.html

Relate family counseling. Nothing to lose.

Good luck

My wife left me and took the kids two weeks ago today. Go to relate, I wish I had with every fibre of my being,and I feel like I have been punched in the chest every second of every day.Nothing matters more than your family. And I guess that is a public announcement on my part.

I’ve used Relate for marriage guidance. Both of us were committed to giving it a try. Took a long time – 2.5 years and was a very emotional process. But it worked and we are still together 15 years on. I think for family counselling you need to make sure all family members understand what’s involved and will support the process.

Took a long time – 2.5 years and was a very emotional process

Great piece of info.

But it worked and we are still together 15 years on.

truly brilliant and worth the bump

Everybody else has offered some extremely good advice. I will only add: good on all of you for even caring enough to work on the problem(s).

Good luck and best wishes.

Just realised my mistake. Ignore my previous message. 😳

Just for the two of us but just a handful of sessions made a huge difference

Youve grown apart from your wife, and the only thing keeping you both together is the kids.It hapens.

If you seriously want to make a go of things get councelled, if not, walk away amicably, not easy at all, but if you dont like carrots being forced to eat them is going to be no good for you or the one making you eat them.

Oh and sometimes some seriously traumatic event in your lives may well bring you both together, ive seen that happen as well.

Best wishes for the bumpy ride ahead.