"lets get divorced quick, just agree you've been unreasonable..." errrrmmmmm??

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"lets get divorced quick, just agree you've been unreasonable..." errrrmmmmm??

43 posts & 30 voices | Started 1 year ago by timdrayton | Latest reply from hora

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timdrayton - Member

long story, but me and the wife have split. we grew apart (ie no adultery) and are supposed to be taking two months apart. out of the blue i receive a solicitor letter advising me that my wifes starting proceedings on the basis that i have been unreasonable.

those who know the story will see the irony... nobody cheated but i have been far far from unreasonable. i am insulted!

I gather from the mother in law that she has been advised that this is a quick method of ending a marriage and that this will have no impact on me financially...

I dont really want to agree that i have been unreasonable, but if i do, will it allow her to sue me for cash now or later?

(there are no kids)

Posted 1 year ago #
jet26 - Member

Go see a solicitor. Not that bad cost wise and it's their area of expertise.

In short she can say anything, you can deny it and still get divorced.

Feel free to PM me. I have very recent experience of these matters!!

Posted 1 year ago #
flip - Member

When i got divorved we did the same, didn't affect anything either way.

Someone, i believe, just has to be to blame.

Posted 1 year ago #
Mintman - Member

If she wants to leave you then surely it's her responsibility to identify the reason rather than apportioning blame. If there is nothing in it for you to be cited as the "unreasonable" one then I don't see why you should. If it achieves a swift and painless divorce that suits you then it might be worth considering the implications/merits.

Sorry to hear your marriage has gone this way, my sister is going through the same and it's so sad to see it happen.

Posted 1 year ago #
pyquila - Member

My relationship went 'poOf' a couple of months ago. Like you, no adultery or anything that would create a shitstorm or nasty feeling towards eachother. But it amazes me how quick people go from 'let's spend the rest of our lives together' to 'oh, indeed. You were THAT guy'.

Go to a solicitor. It's bad enough it's over (or maybe not). But don't get hurt financially too.

Posted 1 year ago #
phinbob - Member

There is no concept of 'fault' in sorting out financial matters if that's what you are worried about.

Check out mumsnet for lots of real world experience (maybe just lurk...)

Posted 1 year ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

Get binding arbitration. Do the solicitors out of their pound of flesh

http://www.sfla.co.uk/shouldiarbitrate.htm

Posted 1 year ago #
The Flying Ox - Member

Snakes with tits, or so I have been told, and given the ass that is the legal system in this country, she could have been boffing the entire street whilst you worked two jobs to keep her in lacy knickers and heroin and she'd still be entitled to half your current worth and half your future earnings.

I'd go and have a word with a solicitor.

EDIT. That's rather unfair of me. Don't know what came over me. I'd still see a solicitor though, given it's a civil matter. If you're the "at fault" party in the divorce then I can't see it going in your favour.

Posted 1 year ago #
Jamie - Member

I swear there was a post by Loddrik here a minute ago.

Edit: Ahh I see.

Posted 1 year ago #
daznal - Member

Flip side you can go biking/spend money on biking(assuming she's left you with any)any time you want with out the guilt trip being layed on you every time you buy a new frame/shifters/wheelset,etc etc

Posted 1 year ago #
Herman Shake - Member

If she agrees you haven't been unreasonable, switch it around as it appears that she has! File for the same document which she has to sign, not you: If she really thinks there is nothing to admit too then she shouldn't be averse to signing it herself.

Hope it goes well, sounds like a right pain in the padded shorts.

Posted 1 year ago #
NikNak7890 - Member

Getting a fault can sometimes help with dividing stuff.
Maybe suggest that if she agrees for a no fault divorce, then you'll not contest it.

I used these: http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/ and had no issues whatsoever with their service. Although I did use a local Solicitor who drew up a final and incontestable financial agreement for £200, as I didn't want her coming after my pension in 30 years time!

Posted 1 year ago #
jet26 - Member

Has she actually filed the petition in court stating unreasonable behaviour?

Posted 1 year ago #
gecko76 - Member

One of the reasons I moved to Scotland.

Posted 1 year ago #
Oxboy - Member

Gat a Solicitor now, shes got one so its going to get messy, expensive and if you dont you will get fleeced.
My mates wife (now ex) was having an affair and divorced him for unreasonable behaviour, because he got a good solicitor he kept the house and has 'main carer' status with the children. Be warned it will get ugly.

Posted 1 year ago #
twentyniners - Member

From what you said, that's her only option? Commiserations, hope you move forwards.

The five grounds:

Adultery. Your spouse has committed adultery and you find it intolerable to live together.

Unreasonable Behaviour. Your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live together.

Two-Year Separation With Consent. You have been separated for 2 years and your spouse agrees to divorce.

Five-Year Separation. You have been separated for 5 years.

Desertion. Your spouse deserted you more than 2 years ago. We strongly recommend that desertion is avoided. If you want to base your divorce on desertion you may require a managed divorce

Posted 1 year ago #
Cougar - Member

You've split amicably, now you've received an unsolicited solicitor's letter saying "it's all your fault."

From this, I'd assume that if you do nothing, you're in for a dry bumming from an elephant.

Go directly to a solicitor, do not pass Go, you might well need £200.

Posted 1 year ago #
cheez0 - Member

..uh, where my post gone?

what was wrong with it?

admin nazis?

Posted 1 year ago #
Cougar - Member

Actually, I take that back.

In your situation, my first step would be a phone call to her going "WTF?!"

Posted 1 year ago #
saladdodger - Member

STOP right there

As soon as you start responding to solicitors letters via a solicitor you can both wave good bye to alot of money

Talk to her, write a letter be adult about it ( believe me it is hard )

2 years down the road call it a simple breakdown in communication and go your seperate ways

DO NOT LINE SOLICITORS POCKETS THEY WILL BE THE ONLY WINNERS

Posted 1 year ago #
NikNak7890 - Member

Here, here Saladdodger

Posted 1 year ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

What saladdodger says. Avoid solicitors. Keep communication lines open.

After two years of separation you can divorce BUT other party has to agree. I didn't realise that until I was about to serve the papers - ex is making me wait five years out of pure nastiness.

Posted 1 year ago #
yunki - Member

very close friends split (fairly) amicably..
the quickest and cleanest and cheapest divorce was for one of them to admit to something..
so one of them did..
the solicitors made sure it stayed clean and fair financially and the job was done in no time..

EDIT: the couple made it very clear to the solicitors how things were going to go and the suits just did all the official paperwork..

Posted 1 year ago #
Steve-Austin - Member

Its always best to come to amicable solution when separating rather involving courts and solicitors if possible as it will only cost both of you money.
Is there a property to negotiate over?

Posted 1 year ago #
iDave - Member

i managed divorce without solicitors, and part of the process involved me agreeing that i'd been unreasonable. if the relationship is over, is it any big deal why, or what is used to drive the nail into the coffin?

Posted 1 year ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

Sorry if I'm being thick here but why should one confess to 'unreasonable behaviour' if one hasn't? To me that amounts to lying, if it isn't true obviously.

Posted 1 year ago #
Oxboy - Member

In a normal world Saladdodger is right, what you have to ask is why has she gone to a solicitor???? if you try reason and play at 'amateur law' with a solicitor you will get screwed!
You can try to talk to her but I'm guessing it wont work she wont listen to you she is now listening to her solicitor.
Its going to cost you either way, damage limitation is now the name of your game.

Posted 1 year ago #
NZCol - Member

I would get in touch and say that fundamentally you have no issue dissolving the marriage however you would like her to accept the 'blame' by agreeing she was unreasonable. Bearing in mind it has come out of the blue, and not wanting to get all Mumsnet on you - she is knobbing someone else. Sorry.
EDIT: And damage limitation is absolutely spot on. I had to do quite a lot of that and even a few years down the line every now and then i get random demands for 'stuff' which is always a fun conversation.

Posted 1 year ago #
bruneep - Member

why not get her to say she was the one being "unreasonable" if it will make no difference?

Posted 1 year ago #
iDave - Member

C_G, it's all about perception. If I didn't think I was unreasonable, is that the truth or just my version of my truth? Frankly I was past caring. It got things moving quickly.

Posted 1 year ago #
Oxboy - Member

Just as an aside my mrs has just said, No do not agree you have been unreasonable, dont agree to anything, go see a solicitor otherwise you will lose all rights (if you have any children) and all full claim to anything you own including pensions.
You must seek solicitors advice now.
£500 is a small amount to pay if you look what could happen long term.
Do not give her the satisfaction especially if you havent done anything wrong.
She has got another bloke.
Mrs oxboy's words not mine!

Posted 1 year ago #
saladdodger - Member

In my situation when my first marrage fell apart after 13 years it did get a bit bitter and I did recieve a few solicitors letters but I posted back to the solicitor that I wished for no dealings with a third party and the hint was taken.

then we talked like adults not kids and sorted the mess out and moved on

Life is too short to get into messy situations, if it is over then it is over just both of you let it ride 2 years and then it is done and dusted

For the record I have had no contact with my ex since the divorce, I do hope she is ok and happy. Because I am

Posted 1 year ago #
yunki - Member

if she has another bloke she's comitting adultery maybe..?

job done.. If she wants a quick divorce just get her to admit to that..

Posted 1 year ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

OK, there's no kids involved. Surely it's cheaper for both of you to wait two years so that legal involvement is minimal?

I do however appreciate that for a woman who has taken her husband's name, one wants to get rid of pdq. I changed my name by Deed Poll, didn't want to revert to my maiden name. New start new name, as it were (bling new bike too).

It's a horrible time.

Posted 1 year ago #
timdrayton - Member

Ill stick to the facts fairly clinically if i can and try and be unbiased

Weve been together for 12 years

Married for two

I gave up my career to look after her full time when her already bad health deteriorated 5 years ago

The carer thing killed our sex life.

However she has got better over the last 6 months( not totally but quite an improvement)

Our marriage did not magically improve tho

We are on a 2 month break no communication, after she askedme to leave our rented home and all its contents which i did.

I have since gone bankrupt (£30k debt which was all in my name as i kept us afloat while she was poorly by working and living on credit cards before i gave up work)

So tbh i think i have been fairly reasonable so far

We are more like friends and have been for a while.

The fact that she decided to break the silence before the two month break was even halfway through with a solicitor letter has left me rather wounded tbh

Posted 1 year ago #

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