Only one stands out (apart from the woods on a Polaris, but that’s pretty dull).
At a mate’s house – dunno what I was doing there, my mate was out. My car had broken down outside and I was waiting for the RAC man. Badly needed a dump. I knew it was going to be a biggun, but do I wait for the RAC man or go? Now? Getting more desperate… Christ, what a dilemma. Can’t remember for sure, but I’m certain he arrived just as I plonked my arse down.

Same experience as Ton. In Greece, swam out about 100m, trunks off, tread water. Two surprises:
1) it bobs to the surface so you’re staring at your own pooh at eye level
2) once you’ve done it follows you back to the beach

Top of Ben Nevis probably… More recently was out on the lash in Edinburgh and then started walking home. Felt the need for a poo but figured I’d make it home. After 5 minutes it was really evident that I wasn’t go to keep it in for the half an hour required, especially as the walk was downhill and every step was like being punched from the inside. Slinked off into a side street and unloaded a hefty one right behind someone’s Audi (this was on a well-to-do street in Stockbridge). The relief was immense.

Bloke at work says he’s done a pooh in his wetsuit (yuk), and my mate had the runs on the floor in a stair well (concrete not carpeted) of an office block in Sydney a few years back, while i stood guard (food poisoning i think, no warning).

In a skip
In a bucket in the back of a van on a customers drive (more than once), apparently builders don’t need the use of a toilet. That why the back of your shed smells of wee.

Thing is, I hate doing it. You need to whazz like crazy at the sametime so you have to push your c0ck back to avoid pissing everywhere at the sametime as worrying about the sodding flies and walkers!

A few years ago while still a plasterer, we were doing up houses in the middle of nowhere. We had a house and the other crew had one,they were older guys from the firm who could not have been less helpful. They grabbed materials delivered to us,nicked our steps etc. They had a car with them and naturally wouldn’t give either of us young un’s a lift to shops,dunny etc.Sooo…I took a huge runny dump in a bag of plaster one lunchtime and covered it over with more plaster. They obviously had a mechanical mixer, so after lunch they mixed it up with another bag without noticing and put it on the wall.Heh Heh…If by some quirk of fate you are reading this Rab Manzies…GET IT RIGHT UP YOU!

When i was about 13 me and a mate used to hang around on building sites swinging on the scaffolding and sometimes just chatting whilst laid on the roofs of the houses. No harm done.

Thing was, whenever we needed to take a dump, we errrr used the chimneys. There must have been quite a few houses on in that street with big turds coiled in their chimneys.

this was years ago but.. I went out for a big breakfast the morning of a ride.. corned beef hash and eggs anyone.. a couple of hours later I got about halfway up a singletrack hill following a mate when the urge struck.. I literally jumped off the bike and ran – squatted behind a tree .. my mate yelled back thinking I had tumbled off – I only grunted “no, I’m ok.. just go on” and then like some else in the thread above had to pull off one of my two shirts to use as t’p.

ohhhhhh………nasty. ( but at least I was well off trail )

*reading above* and one of my brothers took a crap in a wetsuit while underwater. another ohhh nasty.

Slightly off topic but faecally similar, i did a 26 miler t’other day and i had the urge to go most of the way round, i didn’t, completed the ride and went home. At home i proceeded to part company with an enormo-brad. There must have been some weight there! My question is if i’d parted company pre-ride/during ride would my time for the 26 mile improved?? Is dumping performance enhancing??

I remember an apocryphal tale on the farm of a chap who went for an outdoors dump while wearing a boiler suit. Apparently, if you dont remember to pull the boiler suit forwards out the way when it’s round you ankles, when you stand up after pinching one out and flip up your boiler suit you get a warm ‘thud’ in the back of your neck where the poo hits 🙂

I used to look forward to my mid-morning poo break on the farm. With the tractor parked up under a nice big oak on a summer’s morning, I’d squat down and lean back against the big rear tyre and enjoy a private al fresco poop in the middle of the English countryside 🙂

Was out with my bro upon local moorland when nature called for him, he decided to keep both motions seperate (who knows why). The urine was dispatched over a fully laden billberry bush and history is silent on where the other went. We did the same ride the following day and encountered a gent picking picking billberrys, being the helpful souls we are we directed him to the bush containing the plumpest ripest berries……………….

a mate and i, whilst backpacking through oz, stayede the night at a campsite. we were poor fellows with or shitty tent, an empty gas stove and a candle to cook with.

next to us there was a couple. greet big f-off tent. mini solar cool-box. table and chairs. 4×4 with a pull-out stove linked to a f-off gas bottle.

we were polite when they arrived. said hello and that.
they could see we were struggling to cook yet didn’t offer any help.

next morning they went off for a drive leaving their camping gear behind.

i decided to have a look in the cool box only to find several cans of HEINZ English Receipe Beans (why keep cans in cool box?), bread and some other nicetties. whilst i was rumaging throught the box my mate took a mighty dmp in the porch of their tent.

we left soon after and were waiting (hitchiking) on the side of the road. they drove past us and waved as they were coming back to camp. we hot footed it – as fast as hot footing can be when carrying 25kg of gear and six cans of beans can be – into the bush. we spent the next week living ‘wild’ for fear of being caught. beans kept us going though.

ah remembered another one.

when i was 16 i got my first job at IKEA. there was some work going in the bathroom display. it was all taped off from the public. or was at least meant to be.

half-way through the day the area began to smell. mate and i got told to go check (we were ‘runners’ – doing odd jobs instore) what the cause was. we went into the closed section and there was a massive ‘gayer’ turd ( gayer turds being as thick as your forearm; you can suss out why). this was on a busy sunday. yuck

During the KIMM/OMM 2007 the night before the off and the weather was crap (no pun intended) so got out of the van, toilets miles away …scurried off into the bushes..got down to buisness and a small tent lit up no more than 3 feet away. 😳
oh yeah and i stopped mid route on the Builth Merida…

My mum can beat it though 😆 she spent years in motorsport and was once on an event up on Epynt (a well know special forces trainig area and general range) got caught short and got comfy behind a bush…Bush got up and walked off giggling 😯 😆

In a sock.

That was then flung into the high branches of a fir tree in the Brecon Beacons.

t might well still be there! 😮

Great thread!

Never done anything anywhere too weird and wonderful, but one of the perks of my job is that I get to take a dump in some right posh bogs (5 star hotels, private stately homes and on occasion even royal residences).

There’s nothing like curling one out at 4am after a 22 hour day on a top quality hand carved burr walnut seat, marble walls, birds eye maple doors, hand made quilted bog roll, and a gold flush handle. Always a nice reminder that however rich someone is they still have to drop the kids off just like any one else.

I dont think I could if I wanted/needed to, I take my hats off to those of you who can, well done!

In a residential street just south of Milngavie about a month ago. 😳

Got caught seriously short and had no option but to find the nearest clump of foliage 😆

Friend of mine ended up doing a massive turd in the kitchen sink of someone he works with. He did it in the middle of the night whilst p*ssed up. The next morning he had to develop the now famous whipping and stabbing manoeuvre with his hand to get in down the plug hole at which point the kitchen owner came down for breakfast.

went to a house party years ago when i was still at school.

by the end of the evening the bath tub has several heavy poos contained within it. some bright spark also put the plug in and filled the bath with water.

that was a terrible house party. the house was wrecked. eggs in the microwave if i remember correctly, too.

ooh just remembered one from pre-18 drinking days behind a mate’s house on Walton golf course in Chesterfield. Whoever putted first on the 7th hole one August morning in 1994 will have got a nice surprise.

Sat on a knee high wall on Higham train station……..whilst so drunk I didn’t know which was was up or down………..at 4:30 in the afternoon……while train was arriving at the station.

there is an old fella here who retells some classic poo tails. he is pretty old and has some spare time, he also is a bit “chocks away” old army sort.. but the story’s he comes out with it’s worth listening to him.

he tells us of a tail where he was in the desert in africa or somewhere.. they were all in tanks. they stop for water and a break. some of the lads head off for a piss, etc. he is 2nd in command of this tank div.

the leader is a bit “you know,lads” and “whatknot” the old moustache type.

this fella is listening to orders as they setoff.. he hears in a posh accent.
“i said lads, somethings a bit wiffy in here!”
a few miles later.
“lads thats smells getting worse!”
“i say did any of you guy shit at the last stop?” (this is how he retells it)
“you dirty bastard, christy, you’ve shit in your boiler suit!”
queue tank halting and the whole lot of them piling out, with leader kicking him as he ran off stumbling to get the suit off (he later had to travel in vest and shorts.

this fella has a bit of leisure time and loves nothing more than fishing, he has an all in one suit that keeps him warm and dry even on bad days but the thing is it’s sod to get off when needing a wee etc.
he had been fishing a lake for a god few hours and over this time he was becoming all “emotional” about needing to drop the kids off but the lake was to busy earlier. as time past and he became more needy/emotional about needing a pooh, he couldn’t last and he dropped everything and shot off to the only tree in the place, small as it was it was enough to cover him now as there was only 2-3 ppl.
he was struggling to get the all in one off, he just rushed it off as quick as he could as the urge to pooh was overwhelming now.
after he finished he pulled his suit up, zipped it up and got all warm again, now relieved he headed back to his rod lying by the side of the water. the day was getting colder and he was too having just pulled down his all in one he pulled the hood up to get a bit warmer only to be hit by his mildly warm pooh on the back of the head. (he said he later realised he noticed a added weight)

he has great stories, he reminds me of the guy from dad’s army.

I always carry plastic bags with me, when out and about far from sanitation. If the need to defecate arises, I simply crimp off a length into a bag, then tie it up and lob it into the branches of a nearby tree. This can then be blamed on dog walkers, thus giving ammunition to extremely lively and heated debates on forums such as STW. The increased web traffic to such sites can result in increased exposure for advertisers, and consequently increased revenue for those running the websites. I like to think of this as a public service, and believe only good can come of my al fresco shitting.

Job, as they say, s’a goodun…

Rudeboy, i like the philosophy but dont you run the risk of over filling the bag?? There is no scientific way to predetermine the volume of effluent that is coming. Thus running the risk of clay/hand interface??

Years ago, trekking in Nepal, needed to go while walking through a rhodedendron forest.

I squatted, broke first wind, then noticed the forest floor come alive as dozens of black leeches headed towards my backside (they detect body heat & gases) , all of them hungry for blood form my bottom. So I shuffled sideways, dropped a portion. Shuffled sideways, dropped another turd, repeat, repeat repeat.

I hate leeches.

There is no scientific way to predetermine the volume of effluent that is coming.

You’ve met my baby boy then?

Stoner Jr was NOT what Mr Pampers had in mind when he was mucking about sticking fancy velcro on “light flow” panty-liner. My boy needs a binbag on a good day.

Mate A: Driving down to cornwall on holiday with the family. They got stuck in a mahoosive traffic jam and Mate A has got to go….now!

Manages to hold it and pulls into the nearest services once the traffic starts moving, parks up and runs to the services. Gets inside and realises it’s one of those where you need to cross the bridge to the services the other side for the toilets.

I think he made either the second or third step of the stairs before pressure and gravity conspired against him and it all ‘escaped’ mid stride.

His wife still tells the tale of how bad the smell was in the car afterwards, as they had another 3 hours driving before they finally arrived.

Mate B: We were out on the lash in a nightclub and he was in a bad way. Was throwing up when a look of sheer panic suddenly appeared on his face. He just ran off, straight out the club!! Found out the next day he was straining so hard whilst throwing up he pinched one off at the same time! He remembers the taxi driver opening all the windows in the car. He just ran off and jumped in the first taxi he found, no log removal beforehand…squash!

dont you run the risk of over filling the bag??

Erm, no! The volume of all but the tiniest of sample bags is more than adequate for even the most colossal poos, surely? 😯

My boy needs a binbag on a good day.

I can relate, mini Doog had a penchant for semi filling the nappy, waiting for a change then parking the rest!!! I’m convinced to this day he did it on purpose. He’s 5 now and absolutely awesome, he never wets the bed, always gets out of bed to go to the toilet but unfortunately he gets lost (even with the lights on) i’ve found him piddling in some odd places, im petrified he’s gonna piddle on a plug socket one day!!!!

The volume of all but the tiniest of sample bags is more than adequate for even the most colossal poos

They should start rating bags on their Ertha capacity. A sort of stoolometer??? I always go the natural bag free fertilizer route.

Needed a pi55 whilst on safari in Tanzania once.
I relayed my pee stop request, to our driver,whilst we were watching some Cheetahs.He said hold on,I will drive to somewhere a bit safer for you to get out and then I could take a leak behind the Land rover.Moved all of about 200 yards and he said OK,heres safe.

Fastest pee I have ever taken!

what a dirty sick lot you are………. 😉

IN A TAXI

on chertsey wier

In a Bath…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuaORINp4e4&NR=1

Whilst surfing one evening at Polzeath. Dropped into the water shorts down gripped onto the board and let it go!

Walking home from the pub one night after consuming too much speckled hen i felt the urge to lay some pipe, i thought i’d make it home but oh no i was about 150yds from my front door when the turtles head made an apperance, since i was walking down the ginnel at the top of the street i released it there and then. I got up next morning and walked past the offending artical on the way to pick my daughter up, on the way back we passed it again and my daughter pointed out to me that it looked like someone had done a poo in the alley, needless to say i told her not to be so silly people don’t do that kind of thing.

One my evening ride today i passed a car parked at the end of a track that lead’s to a house and path up healy nab, i didn’t think anything of it until i got a bit further up the track and saw a middle aged lady squatting in the bush. At first i thought she had lost something and then i realized what she was doing, yep ladies do this kind of thing too.