just found out my 53 year old dad has mesothelioma cancer caused by asbestos and is untreatable. Have to wait til tues to find out expected life expectancy but it wont be long. Due to the nature of the illness im booked in for a chest xray first thing in the morning . Tough week coming with more to follow. I dont know what the hell to do or why im even on here posting. I already got given the job as eldest to inform my siblings. What the hell do i say to my two year old. Its my wedding in 18 weeks he isnt expecting to be around for it and my mrs is worrying like mad about me now too :-(my head is battered
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just had some terrible news :-(
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Posted 2 years ago #
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Oh shit Mick I'm so sorry to hear that. That is awful news. You know where I am if you want a chat or a bike ride to take your mind off things.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I'm so sorry to here that, wish you and your family all the best.
My Uncle died from a very similar illness last year, the only thing that made it easier for us was that it was quick and he didn't go on suffering, I know what a shock it is......
Posted 2 years ago # -
I lost my dad to this in 1995 - he'd worked as a boiler lagger when I was an infant, and eventually it caught up with him
My dad lasted about a year from diagnosis...
I still miss him.Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry to hear mate - lost my mother to cancer in '92 as simon says you still miss them years later.
Be strong and get those around you to be as strong as possible - your call on what to tell your kid, but at that age they'll probably not grasp the enormity of it all.
regards
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mick I can't say anything that will really help,but I also lost my father to cancer 4 months before I got married.
I dealt with it by remembering all the happy times we had together and at our wedding reminded everyone not to forget their family (I might add I cried my eyes out 5 minutes later when the pressure of making a speech had passed)
And like the others I still miss the old fool
Posted 2 years ago # -
Having also lost my dad in January of this year and knowing he wasn't here to see our two beautiful daughters being born three weeks ago, I can sympathise with you - no words anyone can say will make anything any easier, but I hope you find the best way through your difficult times.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I'm sorry to hear your very sad news Mick & please make the most of the time you have left together.
You may find this Macmillan site useful for general info etc about mesothelioma - I know the site helped me very recently on the subject of Cancer.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Shite news. I nearly lost mine a year ago, but he pulled through. Made me think about all the practical things that need to be organised if the worst should happen again. Sort the mundane stuff now so you make things as simple and easy as possible later on.
Also spend some quality time with him now. Dont wait till its too late to enjoy any time you can.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Ouch.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I'm not naturally an empathetic sort, more a practical advice fellow, but my thoughts are with you and your family.
On a practical side.
Tell your siblings straight. There's no easy way so best for all if you do it and more than that, get it out of the way so that the worry of that task doesn't eat away at you.
Don't worry about your 2yo. They are incredibly robust and s/he will deal with it far better than you. Unfortunately one of the teachers at my 5yo's school died suddenly 2 weeks ago (chest infection that turned out to be aggressive cancer) and so the children have had some LEA 'counsellors' come in to talk to them and we as parents have learned a lot from that. there are many links that can support you in what and what not to say but from memory, the supposed best line is that when you die you don't need your body anymore but the person goes on to live in heaven / the stars / other people's memories (as applicable by your own beliefs and choices) From our point of view even though we are not religious we were happy to allow heaven and God to be used - it's a CofE school, the teacher was a church goer and the staff and children were also supported by the local church. Hence it was easier to allow that myth to be used at this time rather than deal with a potentially distressed child AND at the same time tell her everything she was being told by the people she trusted at school was made up. When she's older she'll make up her own mind; maybe the same might be right for you at this time too.
On the what not to say line - one thing that stuck was that it's not just like going to sleep because in some children that then creates real bedtime anxiety - what if I go to sleep one night and don't wake up?
From your side - if you can't deal with it by yourself then don't feel you have to just because you are the eldest. See what help you can get, Macmillan have been superb for friends and my grandparents and they can give you the support you need so you can do what you have to.
Take it day by day, and enjoy what time you have left together. Best wishes.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Devastating news, Mick.
Make what future you all have together the best possible, eh?
Posted 2 years ago # -
I can only echo what everyone else has said.
Your father seems so young.The only advice I can give is to spend as much time as possible with him. Even if you can only grab 10 minutes in a day.
Losing someone you love is never easy. I wish you and your family all the best to get you through this tough time.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry to hear Mick, my father passed a way 3 weeks ago due to lung problems caused by working in the building trade years ago (asbestos/lead) and with chemicals in his later life. As someone mentioned above I doubt your 2 year old will comprehend what's happening, my sisters 5 year old didn't quite get it.
As Trimix says spend time with him now as It's still odd not having my father around but just remember the good times you had together.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Is there anyway you can bring your wedding forward?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Best advice I can give, is in the time you've got with him be honest and open and try to make sure you've said all that you need to. I wasn't able to and it still upsets me that I couldn't set the record straight.
Good luck
Posted 2 years ago # -
As said above, spend quality time togther. Say everything you need to say to him, let him know how you feel about him. Ask him what he would like to do in the time remaining, remember he must be feeling pretty crap about putting his family thought this. The time you have left together is very precious and you will remember it for the rest of your life. If things go unsaid now you will regret it and it will make the grieving process a lot more unbearable.
Again as said above, children are very resilliant, to them its just a normal part of life and they will move on.
My thoughts are with you
Posted 2 years ago # -
kind of difficult what to say, very sad news
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry to hear your sad news!
Bunnyhop - Member
Is there anyway you can bring your wedding forward?
Good idea. Or if not, and it is something he would really like to see, how about a mock wedding? Sorry if it's a rubbish idea.
Posted 2 years ago # -
At the other end of the scale, I was 3 when my grandmother (mother's side) died from cancer. I can still remember visiting her in hospital or perhaps a hospice and I remember that I didn't go to the funeral but stayed at my grandfather's house.
That was over 30 years ago so it clearly had an impact, but I don't really remember it with sadness or loss. I think you will find that your two year old is very resilient, far more accepting of things as facts than you expect. If they know your dad well, then they will miss him, but they will probably accept it in time.
On a slightly different, note, this will give you and your relationship with others a real kicking. Look after yourself and your relationship with your other half and your two year old. Lean on each other, talk, whatever you do, do it. You will thank yourself for doing that in the long run.
And is there anything that your dad wanted to teach your two year old that you haven't been able to organise yet? You know the sort of things I mean.Posted 2 years ago # -
sad news - dreading the day I hear something similar
as others have said, try to make the most of his remaining time and build up the happy memories
Posted 2 years ago # -
Taking a small positive - at least you can say goodbye, tell him the things you need to say
Posted 2 years ago # -
thanks all not feeling any better really lol but some good ideas to think on. Cheers all as has been said at least we have some warning i deal with a lot at work that have no warnings so thats a plus. My little one is always asking for her granddad so it will be hard to never see him again for her to understand. Thanks again
Posted 2 years ago # -
Terrible news, I hope you have a hospice close by. If it's as good as our local one then the palliative care will be fantastic. My Uncle died of this horrible disease last year the only thing to help make it bearable was the excellent care at the hospice.
Don't forget to include the grandchildren in the visits towards the end. They will find it helpful as will the adults. I wish you all the best for the future.Posted 2 years ago # -
We are both thinking about you and your family Mick............sending our love.
Posted 2 years ago # -
All the best, it's pretty shoddy luck and timing but hope it works out.
Life can be a right bitch and but hopefully more bliss.
I have friends who are in your position as we speak.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Gutted for you and your family Mick. Best wishes to you all.
Posted 2 years ago # -
My Auntie has 3 brain tumours, my Mums devastated, its weird having your parents lean on you for support, role reversal stuff and all. We are praying for a miracle, one tumour has tentacles now growing on to spinal cord (bugger). Love is the miracle though, it keeps it all together.
Posted 2 years ago # -
sorry to hear your news, good luck, best wishes to you and the family, take care of your Dad.
Posted 2 years ago # -
nothing to add but condolences and support.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mick;
coming back to what I said. Your 2yo will be the least of the troubles; it's your expectation of how that will be that is your fear right now. She will accept it, she has no concept of life and death, no concept of time / never, and if you tell her grandad has gone to live with the angels she'll accept it totally and utterly. You will miss her spending time with someone she loves absolutely far more than she misses him.
Sorry if that's blunt but it's true, but it also crystallizes an important point; that you and your siblings (mother?) and wife are the #1 priority. Your daughter will overcome it and in that respect you need to spend your time on your feelings and emotions more than her. Once the time comes, talking about things that Grandad used to do and and things that Grandad used to say will be a strength and a comfort to you. She will help you to get through it, not the other way.
[I speak from no personal experience other than as above, and the experience of a friend of the wife whose husband went to bed early with a cold and was dead when she went up a couple of hours later. She absolutely believes her children are what got her through that trauma, and while there are sad times the memories are far more numerous]
Posted 2 years ago # -
Shit Mick, I feel for yer Bru..
I really do.
I lost my dad 6 years ago, and can feel yer pain.
Like they have all said, get yerself squared away, and bring the wedding forward..
If you need anything, then you know how to get hold of me.
Posted 2 years ago # -
All the best mick, stay strong bud.
Posted 2 years ago # -
So sad. I echo what jonv says up there - memories are wonderful things that no-one can take from you. Take care.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Thats sad news mate.
Really, really sad news.
Kind of puts things into perspective.
I'll get my little ones to say a little prayer for yours.
All the best to you from the takisawa's.
PTPosted 2 years ago # -
It's sad, very sad. If you want a piece of advice from a stranger who hasn't got a clue, fire away. Otherwise, Macmillan is your destination. Good luck, whatever it means to you now.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Very sorry to hear this mick. My Dad passed away in March this year and it's very difficult so make sure you have support from your family and friends in place. If I can be of any assistance please contact me on tyger (at) talk21 (dot) com.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Just saw the thread - best of luck, Mick.
BenPosted 2 years ago # -
All the best Mick, make everyday special
Posted 2 years ago # -
really sorry to hear that. My dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma (the rarer stomach form) in September 2008. Like you this news devastated the whole family. It's been an up and down roller coaster ever since but we've all tried to stay strong and be there for him.
Echo thoughts about Macmillian. They have given us tremendous help over the past year.
All i can do is echo what everyone else has said here. Try to keep strong and spend quality time with him.
Email in profile if you ever want to ask anything
Posted 2 years ago #
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