So a couple of weeks ago my Mom phoned me out of the blue and told me she has Cancer (myleoma?)

Since then I’ve realised I just don’t feel upset or even sad about it and I just don’t know what to do ?

I’ve never really been close to either of my parents and pretty much dragged myself up from the age of 16.

Both parents have never really been there for me and to be honest I still carry a lot of resentment about it all.

My Mom has been told the cancer is incurable but can be treated.

My wife doesn’t understand that I don’t really feel affected by it bit she has had a good upbringing by both her parents who didn’t split up like mine did. Infact I would class her parents as my parents of that makes sense.

Not really sure what I’m after writing this to be honest. Just wanted to get it off my chest ??

Your feelings are what they are. There is no right way to feel about news like this

One thing I would say tho is make your peace with her if you possibly can but you don’t have to disintegrate into a crying wreck

You can only feel what you feel. I knew for years that my Mother had various cancers and her and I just got on with life, but then that’s the sort of person she was too.

Regardless of past events, I’d still try to stay in touch/help out/support as necessary. You’d hate yourself if you later came to regret not doing more.

renton, you are what you are mate…..dont fret about it.
some people show emotion, some dont. life is such.

I understand what you are saying but I still resent her as she has very little to do with my children ( her grandchildren) and spends all her time with her other grandchild.

Have you asked her why? Perhaps she’s always been closer to your sibling. Perhaps your sibling relies more on her and it’s reciprocated. There could be a whole host of reasons.

It’s my half sister she is closer to as she says she only has one set of parents looking out for her ?? Bit of a lame excuse but there you go.

I probably sound like a right knob and a little bit jealous but to be honest Im not. I’ve just concentrated on raising my children the best I can.

It’s pretty common for women in a family to be tighter knit than the men. You strike me as a fairly independent type. If your mother sees that too then it’s natural she’d feel closer to your sister. Are you sure she wouldn’t be there for you if you needed her and told her so? Some folk need to be needed.

Either way, maybe this is a good time to have a “clear the air” session.

There is no right or wrong way to feel about this . I was lucky to be son of a wonderful couple who did everything they could for me but my wife had a horrible upbringing and had nothing to do with her mother for the last 10+ years of her life , didn’t go to her funeral and gave her inheritance directly to her own children as she wanted nothing to do with her . I just found the whole situation incredibly sad and am pleased that me and my wife have really good relationships with our children . Just be sure that you are happy with how you are feeling . When she is gone will be too late to change anything .

Cheers.

There is no right or wrong way to feel about this

+1

“Family” is a funny thing. There’s an adage that “blood is thicker than water” but it’s a BS platitude. You care about who you care about and that’s largely based on social interaction.

For me, my dad passed last year after a self-inflicted illness lasting a few years, and given the circumstances surrounding that and given our relationship has been rocky for as long as I can remember my only real emotion is one of relief. Conversely, my mum has been tenaciously hanging on to life since before my dad was ill and when she passes I’ll be destroyed. It’s not about genetic relationships, it’s all about the times and lives you’ve shared.

And that aside, people deal with grief in different ways. Shock, denial, anger, heartbreak, apathy… as RN said, there’s no “right way” here, we all have to find our paths and that’s ok. Whatever you do, please don’t beat yourself up over it, you have no control over how you feel and there’s no wrong way to do so.

There’s also no time frame attached here. Some folk react immediately. Maybe you’ll feel different in a couple of months, or a couple of years, or not at all. And that’s fine too.

I was in a similar situation back end of last year, my Mum has breast cancer. Never really got on that well until the last few years, and my parents have never been there for me when I needed them. I have siblings they drop everything for at the drop of a hat, but I was left to ‘get on with it’ because they had some twisted notion I could cope. Whilst I can, it would have been nice to have that support, but hey ho. Emotions happened in their own good time (over 6 months later), and my big thing has been to be there for her & Dad. Its been temping to tell my parents to do one really, and have to say I wouldn’t actually feel bad about it. However, Im not them, and decided I would behave in the way that shows who I am, despite them. Been there for Mum as much as I can, and its actually been quite rewarding in a way, to see how much she appreciates it all. Made it worth the initial resentment 😉

As others have said, theres no right or wrong here, it is what it is. You’ll feel what you’ll feel the you feel it, just remember if it does hit you hard at some point to look after yourself too.