i was asked to be best man at my mate’s wedding. He’s having 3 weddings… 1 in wycombe for close family, 1 for family and friends and 1 in Shanghai for the family and friends of his bride-to-be.

I’m dubious whether to accept, he’s a good friend but by no means a best friend. To put it another way, i know who my best men are and he isn’t one of them. Should i tell him this? I know that he has offered me ”best man speeech in Shanghai” as a curtsy. We do not socialise enough for me to consider whether worthy of being his best man (to his family and friends of said family) Should i mention this to him or let it pass?

What does STW think?

He’s making a meal of it isn’t he? I’m buggered if i’d attend a wedding in Shanghai, never mind give a speech, Not even if it was my own wedding.

I would tell him. Nicely obviously but still. Leaving everything else aside it’s not an easy job even if you’ve got years of stories and friendship to draw on. I predict if you do it, you’ll be left feeling like a plum trying to do a speech with no material.

I have to say I wouldn’t want to play that game unless he was a close friend – 3 weddings? he expect you to pay your own way to shanghai?

Ooh tough one, hard to say no really but you can only try. I was put in this position and decided, reluctantly, to do it which i did. Of course i was fabulous and the bridesmades all wanted to root me but i am a gentleman so of course didn’t.

Anyway, what was I saying ?

Just say you can’t commit to the date, and it would be best to get someone else.

I think you already know that you should say no. But I wouldn’t fancy being in your shoes having to do it. Does he struggle for friends? Why has he asked you? China bride? 🙂

That is wierd!

Having said that I was best man for a guy I’d only known for under two years – we got on very well (and still do) and it went fine but it was only 15 miles away! Really enjoyed organising the stag do too and the speech wasn’t an issue – it really sh1ts some people up.

I’d turn this one down – unless you are getting everything paid for, that’s a HUGE time and money commitment.

A cautionary tale.

With the benefit of hindsight, I’d say no.

Whether you consider yourself worthy or not is by the by, he obviously does or he wouldn’t have asked. However, you clearly don’t want to do it, and I’ve learned from bitter experience that life’s too short to dance to every bugger else’s tunes.

A good few years ago now, I met a bloke at University who coincidentally was from the same town as me (not a great leap – Uni was about 20 miles away). We spent a deal of time together, as part of a much larger group. Amongst other things, he ran a roleplaying game session (yes yes, I know) which we went to weekly. He also came out a few times with us on group excursions to night clubs etc.

Fast forward a couple of years, I’ve not heard from him for quite some time. He rings me out of the blue and tells me he’s getting married, and wants me to be best man. I’m flattered and confused in fairly equal measure, but think “well, how could I say no?”

So I agree. His family, to be fair, are lovely and supportive, do most of the work and essentially all that’s left to me is to turn up, nod and smile, do the speech, and then seek out the bar as quickly as I can get away with. Problem is, it seems – I don’t really know this bugger at all. I spent a couple of years with him at Uni, and have spent a number of nights with him out on the pop, but I don’t know him at all. How the hell do I write a speech? I can’t give any witty anecdotes from our time together at school, because we weren’t. What few stories I probably could regale from Uni wouldn’t be suitable viewing in front of his grandparents (and would mostly have consisted of either him randomly being an arse or the complete failure of either of us to get laid. I assume, anyway, I didn’t know him well enough to know for sure).

In the end, I wrote the speech with a lot of input from his mother, at about 3am the night (morning) before the ceremony. I like to think it went ok, abject terror notwithstanding, though a lot of it consisted of family injokes that I had absolutely no knowledge of. (“There was that time at auntie Sheila’s, when he did something mildly silly as is typical of a small child” – *raucous laughter* – sort of thing. I’ve no idea who Auntie Sheila is, and telling stories I have no knowledge of whatsoever is, frankly, bizzare).

So I spent a few days as ‘one of the family’ with a guy who, frankly, I barely knew by this point, marrying a girl I knew even less. His folks are really nice, don’t get me wrong, but it was just … strange.

At least it’s all over, thinks I. Sure enough, he disappears back into obscurity shortly after and I don’t hear from him for twelve months. Again, I get a phone call out of the blue, turns out she’s up the duff and he wants me to be godfather.

Few things here.

1) I don’t like kids.
2) I hate religion.
3) At the time, I was looking at moving 200+ miles away.
4) His inspired choice of godmother – my ex.
5) I hadn’t seen him in months, if not years.

I explain this as gently as I can and say “look mate, are you really sure about this?” He’s adamant. Again, not wishing to offend, and not learning from my mistakes, I accept.

The anklebiter is duly thrust upon the world. I’m in demand for Christening duties, birthday parties, etc. When an event rolls round, I’m duly summoned with a “your presence is required.” What really starts to grate though, is at no other time do I hear from him, except when I’m needed to be a performing seal. When I turn up, the day is spent with him making passive-aggressive comments about how I’d somehow failed him the last time I’d been summoned.

This all finally came to a head this summer. I was on holiday to de-stress after having a rough time of things, and I get a text message saying, literally, “your presence is required.” At which point, finally, some fifteen years too late, I saw my arse over the whole thing.

I sent a reply going “I beg your pardon?” Turns out that my latest godfatherly role is to be at the kid’s Confirmation. I point out that his behaviour isn’t on, this isn’t what friends do. He gives me some guff about not being well lately, at which point I have a complete meltdown and years of repressed annoyance comes flooding out. I tell him I’m sick of being picked up and dropped when it suits, and sick of him giving me crap every time he sees me, and no I won’t be going to the Confirmation because I’m a bloody atheist and want no part in brainwashing some poor kid into a religious cult. (Which, incidentally, is nothing to do with him as far as I’m aware, it’s his missus that’s the god-botherer.)

I didn’t get a reply and, six months later, haven’t heard from him since. And you know what, I’m **** glad.

The moral of this waffle is, 1) if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it, and 2) if you do do it, be careful what you’re getting yourself into as it might not be as simple as it first appears.

Yup. It might take some balls but it’s best to politely decline if you don’t want to do it.

I was asked to give away a former girlfriend as her wedding, which I was unhappy with for various reasons (I thought I already had etc, ho ho ho) I suggested that she really ought to ask her remaining parent (her stepmum) instead and that it would mean a lot to her stepmum. It did and their relationship has gone from strength to strength since. Ours has faded away to a sensible and normal level. Everyone was a winner.

My advice is think of someone more suitable and suggest them instead. Brother or cousin is always a good place to start. Phrase it as “Thanks awfully, but don’t you really think it should be x, y, or z instead? They would be hurt….”.

great rant cougar, from the heart.

My 2p.

There’s more to being a best man than being the groom’s best / longest friend. Some blokes just can’t deal with the organisation and stress of it. A good best man (and ushers) are a godsend in the run up to and on the day. Has he identified this in you?

As for godparenting. I’m godfather to my cousin’s boy but after a family falling out (long story) I haven’t seen them for ages. So I’m pretty well off the hook there. But I’m not a churchgoer, and in hindsight I wish i had been strong enough to say that i wouldn’t do it because i don’t believe in that stuff. However, I’m not a strong enough non-believer that there aren’t times when I think maybe, or what if, and if others want to do the church / christening thing I’m not going to poopoo their idea by telling them they’re idiots for believing that stuff. So I sort of went along with it on the basis that I could provide moral support if ever needed, even if not spiritual.

I liked Cougar’s story too. 8)

Thank goodness, I was worried that was a bit long winded.

I should perhaps add, as an atheist, a Christening is awful. Lots of swearing on the Bible, ‘in the eyes of god,’ yadda yadda, making promises I can’t hope to keep. I found it all very traumatic.

Bloody hell Cougar that’s full on…!

I’m to be godfather to the mate-I-was-best-man-for’s kid (does that make sense?!). Am I also doomed?!

where in wycombe?

Probably (-:

To be honest, I’m not saying that my little tale is in any way typical. It was at least in part just an unfortunate set of circumstances, leading to me feeling increasingly taken advantage of. I’d have had much less of an issue with the whole thing if he’d ever rung going “I’m at a loose end tonight, fancy a pint?” like mates do. But no, the only time I ever saw him was when I was ‘required’.

One of the last times I saw him, he turned up unannounced on my doorstep with the kid in tow. A year or two back, I’d sweated blood to find an appropriate gift when I’d been summoned to a birthday party, and ended up buying her a “my first laptop” type affair. The following year I missed her birthday completely, I can’t remember why exactly, I think I had flu or something.

Sat in my living room, she comes out with “Uncle Alan, you know you got me a laptop for my birthday?” Ah, I think, she’s about to finally say thanks, two years later. “Well, on my last birthday, how come you didn’t get me anything?”

I’ve no idea if that was spontaneous (ie, cheeky sod) or if he’d put her up to it (which wouldn’t have been out of character). Either way, I was somewhat appalled.

It was also the first time my OH had met them. Let’s just say she’s in no hurry to repeat the experience.

Mrs deadly and I are godparents to my best mate’s little girl. They asked because they wanted her to have a special “uncle” and “aunt”. They both know we’re atheists and said that it was nothing to do with God stuff. We still sat in the church on the day of the christening and played the hypocrites for a few hours. Why? Because that’s the kind of thing you do for a mate. I still check on when she’s last been to mass when I visit though. 🙂 And she always has a special cuddle for me.

Cougars godparenting story is truly bizarre though. I get “summoned” by my sister for shit like that with her two sons. Pile of shite.

Was asked at short notice (on the day, right before the ceremony!!!!) if I would be a witness at my brother’s wedding. Kind of left me with no choice but to say yes, really. I wouldn’t mind but they insist on keeping the pictures of the old me up around their house and I hate them!

Then, was asked to be a godparent for their #1 son which I was happy to do but, strangely, since coming out, I’m not a suitable godparent for their new #1 daughter…

Siblings, who’d have ’em???

Rachel

Cougar – will you still send b’day prezzies to the kid?

A friend had a slightly less bizzare experience – being asked to be Best Man having not really seen an old Uni mate of ours for 5 years or so. He went through with it, hated it so much he dipped out of the evening reception early to meet us in the pub, and he hasn’t seen or spoken to him since the wedding day which was over ten years ago. And is still owed the tab for the room he picked up.

will you still send b’day prezzies to the kid?

I’ve no plans to. a) she seemed monumentally ungrateful and made me wonder why I was bothering, and b) after finally extricating myself I’ve no desire to encourage him again. At the very least, I’ll be wanting an apology first.

allthegear

I think its normal practice to have different godparents for different kids – so maybe your sexuality isn’t the reason?

My kid’s mum was the religeous one (not me), so I’m not 100% on this – but our kids all have different godparents

hi all thanks for the advice and your experiences. It’s a difficult one this, I know he’d be disappointed if i declined it. I would like to deserve it however, and i wonder why his brother hasn’t been considered.

I’ll mention this to him, just to check status, etc. But I’ll still do it if he wants me too, it’s an honour to do it so long as it’s the best outcome for everybody involved.

if he’s paying then surely its a fantastic opportunity to stand up as best man and give the most fantastical made up speech of all time, you can invent embarrassing stories that would make a gynaecologist blush and ronnie wood look like a choir boy!

then when people ask him about the stories afterwards he wont be able to deny as it would mean admitting he had nobody close enough who could tell proper stories

LMAO at Cougar 😆