[list]What do you call an English valet?
Park Car!
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Jokes Please- Amuse Me
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Posted 6 months ago #
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The first rule of thesaurus club: Don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about thesaurus club.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Where does Kylie get her kebabs?
Jason's Doner Van
Posted 6 months ago # -
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch and bite me every time she had an orgasm.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them
Posted 6 months ago # -
Can't believe the STW police are letting some these jokes on here. Some are just like this one
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1164742/Sir-David-Jason-forced-say-sorry-making-racist-joke-live-radio.htmlPosted 6 months ago # -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i47HoiM0Au8&feature=channel_video_title
That's you, that is
Posted 6 months ago # -
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Posted 6 months ago # -
What do you call a Mexican fireman?
JoséI had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't share everything.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Just had white paint spilt down me. No its not, its Tippex. I stand corrected.
What did the fish say when it bumped into a wall?
Damn!
Posted 6 months ago # -
3 Blokes walked into a bar
Ouch, Ouch, Ouch.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Fella buys a packet of mixed flavour condoms. Raspberry, Banana, Raspberry etc. He says to his wife "lets play a game, I will put one on and you have to guess what flavour it is" She agrees. She goes under the blankets and says "cheesey quavers?" He says "for f8cks sake give me a chance to put one on!"
Posted 6 months ago # -
What do you call a gay Arab?
Abdulpullmatool
Posted 6 months ago # -
Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.
RSPCA said i'd just get a warning this time!!Posted 6 months ago # -
Astronaut #1: Bother. I can't seem to open up this milk.
Astronaut #2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Posted 6 months ago # -
A scientist today has invented a bra that stops boobs bouncing up and down and prevents nipples from sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his head in.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Two rastafarians are sitting on the beach bored.
One says to the other, "I know, lets have an emotions party. All dem guests have to come dressed as aaan emotion"
So, a few phone calls later all the rastas on the island were invited.
Knock Knock! The first rasta opens the door to see another rasta with a posse of babes dancing around and up and down him. He has a big FO spliff in one hand and a winning lottery ticket in the other.
"I" he proclaims "Have come as - happiness"
"Come on in, enjoy they party" says the second rasta.
Knock knock on the door and there was another rasta standing there in a black suit, tears in his eyes and a coffin festooned with the word 'Mother' in flowers.
"I have come as sadness".
Knock on the door and the ratas go to answer.
This time there are two rastas standing in the porch, both stark bollock naked, The first is 'cupping' his todger in a bowl of custard and the second is standing there with a huge smile on his face and a pear engorging his manhood.
(In your finest rasta accent if you please!)
"I am fookin dis-custard"
"And I, am deep in dis-pear"
Posted 6 months ago # -
WARNING: Don't join the Tesco dating service. I did and got a bag for life.
Just found my uncle has died and left me a Rolex. Hope it's not a wind up.
My girlfriend has just be me I could make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.I hate people who think they're worse off than everyone else.
My mate Derek is brilliant, had a bad accident, lost his voice and his legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!!Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.My mate told me he is thinking of getting a divorce because his wife hasn't spoken to him for two months.
I told him to think very carefully about that. Women that good are hard to find.Posted 6 months ago # -
Q - How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - None. Atheists don't see the light.Q - What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A - Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.Posted 6 months ago # -
What do you call a gay Englishman?
Graemecockrider
Posted 6 months ago # -
2 flies on a poo
one farts
the other says
"dya mind? i'm trying to eat"Posted 6 months ago # -
CharlieMungus - Member
What do you call a gay Englishman?
Graemecockrider
I can see what you did there, very droll. Particularly for those of us from north of the border
Posted 6 months ago # -
The Potato King was sick of his three princess daughters moping around the palace so he summoned them to his chamber.
(Pam Ayers rustic accent needed here) “Daughters,” he commanded, “It is time for you to marry. Go out and find yourselves a suitable potato husband and report back to me one year from now.”
A year passed and the three daughters returned to tell their father how they had got on.
“My first daughter… tell me who you married!”
“Well Father,” replied the first daughter, “ I met a lovely Jersey Royal and I married him!”
“Very good! Very good!” chortled the Kind proudly. “Daughter number two?”
“Ooh Father, I met a lovely King Edward and I married him!”
“Excellent! Excellent!” smiled the King. “Now, daughter number three – how did you get on?”
(Sad voice here) “Well Father, I’m afraid I must disappoint you. I married….. I married..... Desmond Lynam”
“Desmond Lynam? Desmond Lynam?” shouted the King, enraged. “He’s just a common tater!”
Posted 6 months ago # -
A bloke walks in to a butcher's shop with a dachshund on a lead.
"Oi!" says the butcher, "You can't bring that dog in here, it's not allowed. Can't you read?"
"I can't because I'm blind" replies the bloke, "and anyway this is my guide dog."
"Guide dog?" scoffs the butcher. "That's no guide dog. Guide dogs are usually labradors or retrievers!"
"Well what kind of dog is this then?" asks the bloke in a puzzled voice.
"It's a dachshund!"
"Those lying bastards down at the blind centre!" mutters the bloke. "They told me it was a labrador.....!"
Posted 6 months ago # -
Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.
There was also the dyslexic agnostic that didnt believe in dogs.
Or the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse and filled it with destitutes.I will go get my coat.
Posted 6 months ago # -
2 scottish poofs - Ben Doon and Phil McCracken. Theyve got a pal called Hugh Janus as well.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Blokes sitting in a boozer enjoying a quiet pint and a read of the paper. Fella comes in and sits down next to him - problem is he stinks. First guy says. Look mate no offence or that but you smell really bad. Second fella says yeah sorry about that - ive shit myself! First guy says thats **** horrible - arent ya gonna go and get cleaned up? The second guy says no Ive not finished yet.
Posted 6 months ago # -
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Posted 6 months ago # -
Why shouldn't you go to the Ukraine if you have a hole in your pants?
Chernobyl fallout.
Too sexist?
Posted 6 months ago # -
A serial killer has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles...
Police said in a statement last night.. He seems to be following some sort of pattern!!!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Great stuff! Keep them coming, i'll put the kettle on!
Posted 6 months ago # -
canibearaindogtoo - That joke also starts with "Why do you never buy Ukrainian underpants?"
Posted 6 months ago # -
Our lass just whispered in my ear..
"Tonight I'm going to give you super sex",
I said, -- "I think i'll have the soup"Posted 6 months ago # -
in the kitchen this morning I found my wife face down and not breathing,
I panicked, I didn't know what to do!... Then I remembered,
McDonald's do breakfast till 10:30!!Posted 6 months ago # -
A student doctor asked his consultant;
“Why don’t we perform smear tests on women over 75?”
consultand replies;
“Have you ever tried to seperate a cheese toastie?”Posted 6 months ago # -
Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked on his own Vimto
Posted 6 months ago #
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