A man challenged his wife to say something that would make him feel both happy and sad at the same time. His wife replied…

…”You have a bigger willy than your brother.”

I mentioned to my girlfriend that I enjoyed a bit of anal stimulation during love-making.

She thought it was a bit weird at first, but in the end, she gave me the thumbs up.

Whats a dwarf got in common with a midget?

Very little!

I took my mate’s cat to the Vet in Barnsley. Vet said to me “Is he a Tom?”

I said “No, I’ve brought him with me”

***

And if Al can tell the twenty six year old girls one…

***

Whats the biggest cause of Paedophilia in the UK?

Sexy kids.

What do you call a Scotsman who can’t climb trees?
Nicholas.

a gay wizard walked into a bar.

and disapeared with a poof!

Did you know that Benoit B Mandelbrot’s middle initial stands for Benoit B Mandelbrot?

What do you call a Scotsman who can’t climb trees?
Nicholas

?

lol @ nbt

nbt- niche joke!

Did you know that Benoit B Mandelbrot’s middle initial stands for Benoit B Mandelbrot?

What I like most about this joke is that the B doesn’t really stand for anything; he doesn’t have a middle name, Mandlebrot made it up to make himself sound more grandiose. It’s feasible, therefore, that the joke could actually be true.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

‘Cos he kneaded a poo.

What do you call a Scotsman who can’t climb trees?
Nicholas

he’s wearing a kilt, molgrips

How do you get off with a fat girl?

It’s a piece of cake.

Whats a dwarf got in common with a midget?

Very little!

My gf has a peculiar skill of miss-remembering jokes and murdering them in the re-telling, in this instance:

“Whats a dwarf got in common with a midget?

Not much.”

Nobody told me that Imogen Thomas was a talented musician?

Apparantly shes being doing giggs around Manchester for the past eight months.

*waits to see LHS banned*

what’s brown and sticky?.. a stick.

*waits to see LHS banned*

You’ll be waiting a long time!

How did the Fairy get pregnant?
Sat on a Toadstool

She was the admiral’s daughter, and her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.

Hear about the agoraphobic homosexual? He came out, then went back in again.

She was only the fishmongers daughter, but she’d lay on the slab and yell ‘fillet’

Whats the difference between an EGG and a W**K?

You cant beat a W**K!

The police phone Paddy to give him some bad news. “Paddy, we’ve just been round your house and you’ve been burgled. They took all your beer and raped your wife.” To which Paddy says, “I can’t believe they shagged her after just four cans.”

(Use your racial/demographic stereotype of choice, I’m just repeating the bloke in the pub.)

DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman:

“I want you to call me David Hoff”.

The barman replies:

“Sure thing Dave… no hassle.”

‘Early reports that Michael Jackson was in the cardiac ward suffering from a heart attack were found to be false, when he was actually discovered in the childrens ward having a stroke’

‘Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy’

It was inevitable that Michael Jackson was going to find a way out of playing his London concerts. he lost interest as soon as he found out that Boys2Men was the support act and not a delivery service.

Where did Noah keep the bees?
In archives.

Heisenburg was driving down the motorway when he was stopped by a policeman. “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am.”

Bez, thats a cracker!! 🙂

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?…

None, it’s a hardware problem.

This one only works with a Scottish accent… What do you call a bear without a paw?

Rupert the bastard.

Heisenburg was driving down the motorway when he was stopped by a policeman. “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am.”

As he set off a black cat ran out across the road. “Did I hit it? Is is dead?” he asked his passenger

“I can’t be certain” replied Schrödinger.

How many graphic designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

F*** off, I’m not changing anything.

She was only a Pilots daughter but she kept her cockpit busy.
She was only a pidgeon-fancyer’s duaghter but she’d seen a Cockatoo.

Young woman goes to see her chinese doctor about a problem she has. She tells him that she is successful, has a good job, her own house and car and has wide circle of friends but she says she cant get a date and tells him her sex life is nil.
He asks her to take her clothes off so he can examine her. He walks round looking at her carefully and finally asks her to bend over. As she does so he looks intently at her behind. Finally he asks her to get dressed and tells her he has diagnosed her problem.

“You have xackery disease” says the doctor.

The woman had never heard of it so asks him what it is.

“Problem is face look exackery like arse”

Only in America could a poor black boy become a rich white woman.

There was this Irishman and he did something really stupid because he’s Irish and they’re all really thick, like…

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called american football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. “Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

A peado was walking in the spooky forest when he discovers a little boy crying by the lake..
‘what’s the matter little boy..?’ he enquires..

‘I was walking in the spooky forest with my family when our dog fell through the ice on the lake.. so my sister tried to rescue him and she fell through the ice too.. and then my mummy and daddy tried to rescue her and they fell through the ice and now they’ve all drowned and they’re dead.. and I’m scared cos it’s so spooky..’ sobbed the little boy..

‘huh..’ replied the peado.. unzipping his flies..
‘you think you’ve got problems.. I’m gonna have walk back through the forest on my own in a bit..’

My neighbour called at my door at 2.30am this moring, can you believe that, 2.30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

I’ll get my coat.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

– The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, “A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution.”

– The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, “This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd.”

– The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, “I define myself to be on the outside.”