I have to admit, when I’ve watched Traffic Cops or a program of that ilk, I do feel a pang of envy and wish I could have a go for a day. So I was thinking (sad I know), what patrol car would I drive? Who, as in what type of offenders, would I target specifically and where would I spend my special day?

Well I’ve decided I’d go 80’s retro with this:

(I’d hope for a dry day to help the 2.8i power go through the back wheels without fishtailing for a shift)

I’d target truck drivers who send texts and chat on mobiles whilst in charge of 38 tonnes of wagon and load. I’d also keep an eye out for any tailgating idiots.

My chosen patrol would be the M60 Manchester orbital, as I’m familiar with it and there are lots of nobbers using it.

Sierra 55 out!

I would target young laydeez in coupés until I eventually found one of questionable morals that was willing to trade sexual favours for a let-off.

I’d drive one of these with the registration D4 RCY 🙂

Audi rs4 avant
Unmarked of course 🙂

Targeting piss poor road manners from middle aged balshy businessmen in rep mobiles
Where
M6 for high speed cruise

And
A9 North of dunked for some shocking over taking & poor anticipation

Boy racers with loud exhausts – hate them with a passion.
Also nobs with illegal number plates, I would take them to Halfords to buy some legal ones and give them a screwdriver to change them there and then.
And last but not least scumbags with their foglights on when it isn’t even foggy!!

Easy.

Morning: Unmarked, sat right at the start of the 30s. Ticket anybody doing over 30. Or who thinks overtaking in a built up area is a good idea.

Afternoon: Again unmarked, this time at a roundabout, delivering lectures and or tickets for those who fail to indicate correctly.

Then in the evening, on my own time, patrol the whole town giving tickets to all those parked facing the wrong way. It really annoys me – how hard it is to drive along to a safe place and turn around ?

I’d drive a one-sided snow plough down the M5, scooping all the middle-lane dickwads into the inside lane, where they should be.

I’ve got nothing to prove 😉

As for who I’d target, well forget about the actual dangerous people, this is my special day so I’ll be coming down hard on anyone who forces their way into a queue when their lane ends. It’s technically not a breach of the law but once I’ve pulled them over I’ll smash a few tail lights with a truncheon.

If I’ve got any time left I’ll nip over to my work campus and will pull over anyone who’s breaking the 20mph speed limit.

Where will I do it? Again, it’s my day so I’ll be doing it on the two junctions where it happens on my drive to work.

I’d just stand on the pavement outside the nearby primary school, book and pen ready, with a mate nearby observing through a video camera.

I’d target people who cant drive on the motorway correctly, i.e. people who sit in the middle land irrespective of surrounding traffic and those who join from a slip road without indicating expecting oncoming traffic to simply just shift out of the way.

I love to patrol the A13 and the M11 in this

For laughs would have to be one of these.

On the lookout for middle lane hoggers and tailgating Audis up and down the A1.

What is that pink periscope thingy?

Those in my radar would be

Nissan Almera drivers for driving annoyingly slow
Honda Jizz drivers for the same reason
People with fog lights on when its not foggy
Middle lane hoggers
Audi drivers
Anyone in a Saxo
People who drive too close to the car in front (unless I got them already for being in an Audi)

I’d patrol the M6 around Knutsford by J18 to see what causes all the crashes on that stretch.

this would be my car and the lady would be my partner! Obviously I’d paint it to look like a UK cop car though.

I’m a great lover of Volvos, so this one would be my most realistic choice:

On the other hand, I quite fancy a go on one of these:

But when it comes to dealing with my least favourite types, this would come in particularly handy:

All three would be deployed against white vans with no company markings, because everyone knows they are only used to haul exploited illegal farm workers. I would also take out anyone making even the tiniest mistake on the M6 between Birmingham and Manchester. I figure it’s got to be them that make the entire flipping stretch of that motorway the SLOWEST in FLIPPING EUROPE!!!!!

Then again, I probably wouldn’t pass my emotional stability test for road duty.

Drive this

Patrolling Hazzard County.

(actually I think I’ll drive the General Lee, way cooler)

I’d patrol the M6 around Knutsfprd by J18 to see what causes all the crashes on that stretch.

and the lady would be my partner

That’d be the cause of all the crashes then!

Good choice of motor Bregante.

Motor world be a Datsun GTR 😉 and I would target middle lane hoggers, drivers using their phones, non-indicators and those drivers who hang cds from their rear-view mirrors.

It wouldn’t matter what I was ‘driving’ as I’d be parked up and let decent people go about enjoying driving on the roads they have paid a lot of tax to use without bring hounded by sad **** with nothing better to do.
If they don’t want to indicate, that’s their call.

Ok so not exactly traffic cop material but I’d have one of these…..

5 by jimmyg352, on Flickr

& I don’t think many get away from one either!

I’d target drivers on mobiles & useless feckers who stop at roundabouts when there’s nowt coming. In fact I’d fit it with Hellfire missiles, that would make the tossers get a move on!

I would do what the Police do at Karachi airport in Pakistan – get a huge fork lift and drive around the Asian areas of Manchester lifting all the parked cars off the double yellow lnes and pavements and dumping them on a flatbed then forcing the drivers to pay me £200 in cash, no receipt, to get them back, once they had signed my disclaimer for damage to the underneath of course.

Dickieboy sounds like the type to be targeted.

The first thing I’d do with him is explain how roads are paid for.

One of these

To hunt down everyone over the age of 70 who can’t drive worth a sh*t. Either slow and dangerously indecisive driving or reckless abandon style driving in an mismatched attempt to balance their slow perception and awareness against the unstoppable flow of modern day city traffic.

Probably start off outside the bingo and then move on to the bowling green later in the day.

slowoldgit – Member

I’d just stand on the pavement outside the nearby primary school, book and pen ready, with a mate nearby observing through a video camera.

Pervert.

slowoldgit – Member
I’d just stand on the pavement outside the nearby primary school, book and pen ready, with a mate nearby observing through a video camera.

This might draw the attention of the real police… 😕

To take every one over the age of 30 who thinks it cool and cred to wear leather and ride a motorbike, and especially those who huddle in groups outside a cafe with not a cup betwen them blocking all the spaces, i would get a bus annd transport them all back to the loccal fetish club.
Anyone driving a 4 x 4 and german cars, would be charged a surcharge for using the roads, and double for parking on the footway or grased areas.

By day I’d arrest people for towing caravans on the A82 and A9, and probably crush the caravan with their loved ones in it just so they got the message.

Then in the evening I’d patrol the M8 and M74 through Glasgow nicking people who sit in the middle lane.

I’d finish my shift nicking taxi drivers who speed and do all sorts of illegal manoeuvres after about 8pm because they think they are above the law and can get away with it.

That Saracen would be ideal for me.

Because i would sit in the railway access sliproad at junction 1 of the M77.

And anyone, anyone at all, that used the hard shoulder to skip the rush hour queue, had better get out of their car very very quickly !

The ones that use it all the way from J2 (about a mile and a half) had best be advised to have the window already wound down !

Bregante – I was torn between the twait injection and the Lotus Carlton. Good shout. Awesome car.

Unmarked car.

I’d drive round country lanes popular with cyclists and collar anyone overtaking bikes on a blind corner or rise. I know I’d have a busy day.

KGB High Speed Pursuit Vehicle

this one for me

only id like to give it a bit more poke lol

Wouldn’t give a crap about upholding the law.

When I first started as a police officer, had a weeks attachment to the tactical vehicle auto crime unit(traffic in plain cars)
On the second night we were in a unmarked sierra cosworth and got involved in a chase with a stolen astra gte.
For the first 10 minutes was very excited, then it got very very scary doing 140 + m.p.h on B roads, I was sha ting myself, when they dumped the car and ran off, I literally could not run after them, my legs were like jelly, took me 10 mins sat down on a wall to recover, much to the amusement of the tvcu lads.

The traffic lads used to put 4 bags of sand in the back of the 2.8 capris to improve the handling

On the second night we were in a unmarked sierra cosworth and got involved in a chase with a stolen astra gte.
For the first 10 minutes was very excited, then it got very very scary doing 140 + m.p.h on B roads, I was sha ting myself, when they dumped the car and ran off, I literally could not run after them, my legs were like jelly, took me 10 mins sat down on a wall to recover

A GTE doing 140??! My 1986 8v could never have managed that! (although I probably told people it could!)

Must have been downhill.

My choice of car: Mk.2 Omega MV6.
My choice of road: The A14 between Cambridge and Ipswich
My Choice of ‘perp: Idiots, fools, muppets and morons.

A GTE doing 140??! My 1986 8v could never have managed that! (although I probably told people it could!)

the v-max of cossies in perfect condition is only about 145 on an airfield run, I don’t doubt it felt pant-wettingly fast on a b-road though. 😀

100 plus in a chase on B roads must be V scary esp when you remember there was no esp or abs then and crumple zones/safety were bobbins compared to now