A colleague of mine has returned to work after a month on antibiotics following bronchitis, then pleurisy. she pulled her intercostal muscles coughing too much, so is sitting at her desk holding her ribs.
I need some good jokes to send her. Surely exercising the rib muscles with a good laugh will aid her recovery 
This is one of my favourites
A bloke goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.
The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."
"What?" says the owner. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"
"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."
keep 'em coming
I know how the people of Haiti feel - last time I had 30 Aftershocks I couldn't find my house, either.
I rear ended a car on the way into work this morning.
once we had both pulled over I got out of the car and was walking towards the one I had shunted, and Snow White gets out, saying "I ain't f*cking Happy"....
I said. "Which one are you F*cking then?"
You sure she's not just had a boob job and is just checking herself out?
there was about a five page thread on here soley on jokes a couple of days go if you have a search
She definitely doesn't need one of those 
oomidamon - Member
I know how the people of Haiti feel - last time I had 30 Aftershocks I couldn't find my house, either.
Somehow I feel I shouldnt laugh at that one, but I am anyway 
I was going to ask if it's to early for Haiti jokes, or should I let the dust settle?
she pulled her intercostal muscles coughing too much, so
When I was a student I was suffering from bronchitis, during a huge coughing fit set off by someone making me laugh I ended up collapsed in a heap in the floor. My friend Irene walked in and found me lying in quite a bit of discomfort trying to regain my composure and not cough or laugh or anything really just trying to breath as little and as gently as possible.
She wanders over to me and starts to chat, I'm not really responding I'm just trying to calm down. She feels I'm not really all that great company "you boring bastard" she says yawning and stretching, a very very long and bored yawn and stretch, hands up above her head. The yawn turns into a 'Yeeeeeeeeeeearrrrrgh!" and the stretch ends utterly inexplicably with her fists plunging down and punching me in the stomach with all her weight, just below the sternum. I had my eyes shut so didn't really see it coming.
She tore the muscles in my diaphram, and now I was coughing quite a lot! I was on fairly heavy pain killers for about a fortnight.
Years later when I'm living in a big shared house a letter turns up, on the back of the envelope was written, without much of a grasp of pharmacy ( and for everyone else to have a good laugh at) "Remember me? its Irene, the girl that put you on antibiotics"
Literal lol at Binners' joke. Small guilty chuckle at rhe others........
I was going to ask if it's to early for Haiti jokes, or should I let the dust settle?
Q.How many people with senile dementia does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. To get to the other side
Mastiles_
I thank you (bows)
I was going to ask if it's to early for Haiti jokes, or should I let the dust settle?I see what you did there...
I didn't get that the 1st time, must be my friday brain.
On a dark and cold night, in a lonely empty pub, the landlord is beginning to realise that as a business, his pub is failing. There may be many reasons for it, but whatever they are, there are just not enough customers spending money to justify not selling out to Starbucks.
When..
..the door opens, and in hops a white rabbit.
It hops up to a bar stools watched by the landlord and both the customers, and climbs onto the stool. Rabbits are unusual in pubs, unless contributing to the stew, so the landlord just stood and gaped.
“Excuse me” asked the rabbit, “are you serving?”
Talking rabbits are even rarer, but the landlord replied that he was.
The rabbit asked for a drink and something to eat
Asked what he wanted to drink he asked for a ginger beer and lime, and to eat a toasty.
“We have cheese and onion or cheese and ham, which would you prefer?”
“Cheese and onion, rabbits are vegetarian” replied the rabbit. Whose name was Rabbie. Not that it’s relevant. So Rabbie the Rabbit got his non-alcoholic beverage and non-carnivorous snack, consumed them both and left.
Meanwhile, the atmosphere was nearly electric, a talking rabbit, in the pub, eating a toasty and manipulating a glass filled with liquid. Amazing.
Next night, the few people who seen this had told their friends, so there was a fair old buzz when, at the same time as last night Rabbie turned up, climbed onto his barstool and ordered a ginger beer and lime and a cheese and onion toasty.
And even more so the next night.
And so on for a week, every night, more people, drinking more drink, spending more money came to watch the amazing ginger-beer drinking, toasty eating, talking rabbit. There was even a bit more excitement when one night the landlord apologised for having run out of onion for the cheese and onion toasty and offered a cheese and ham one instead. The crowd held it’s collective breath. Would the rabbit accept the substitute, or storm off in a huff. Reluctantly the rabbit accepted.
By now, it was quite a celebrity, so the next night local media turned up and waited to see the amazing ginger-beer drinking, toasty eating, talking rabbit.
And waited.
And waited.
And then went home disappointed.
A few months later, the fuss had died down and the landlord was unable to keep the pub open any more, and on the last night, above the barstool where the rabbit had sat, there was an eerie white shimmering light. Shaped like a rabbit.
The landlord gaped and approached the rabbit shaped figure.
“You” squeaked the figure in a voice a bit like the rabbit’s but with a bit more bass and some added echo for atmosphere “You killed me”
the landlord trembled “how could I have killed you, and why? You were saving my pub, what did you die of?”
The eerie glow stared at the landlord and replied
“Mixed-mah-toasties”
I've already got my coat thanks
Two Nuns in the bath.
One says "Where's the soap?"
The other replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"
Oi, Slimmerbloke, don't close the door, I'm following .......
What's the difference between an egg and a w*nk - You can beat an egg
What's the difference between an egg and a w*nk - You can beat an egg
Really? I had two coats?
A very shy couple have just left their wedding reception and settled into their hotel room for the night after awkwardly getting undressed and into bed. The groom is keen to get down to business, but is still very shy and a virgin, as is his bride. They spend 30 minutes not really knowing what to say or do and stare up at the ceiling.
Eventually the wife says 'I've got an idea! Why don't I call my bits the 'washing machine' and your bits the 'washing'?
'That's a great idea!' says the groom
5 minutes pass and then he says 'Can I put my washing in your washing machine?'
'Erm', stutters the wife 'No not yet, I'm not ready right now. ask me later'
15 minutes pass
'Can I put my washing in your washing machine?'
'Sorry my love, but I'm too nervous. Later, I promise'
30 minutes later the same happens, and agian, and again.
Eventually, just as dawn is beginning to break, the wife turns to her new husband and says' I'm ready. You can put your washing in my washing machine!'
The husband sighs heavily and says 'Sorry. It's too late' I've done it by hand'
I got jumped outside the pub by three guys the other night but I still managed to knock one out.
Not the best time for a w@nk I suppose, but what the hell.....
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F..k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Back to the w@nking theme
A bloke goes into the confessional and catches the priest cracking one off. He's so shocked he almost forgets to take the lens cap off before taking the photos. The priest is equally shocked that anyone could ever violate the sactity of the confessional and demands the camera. The bloke though offers to sell the camera for £5000.
"Never" cries the preist that's extorto extortiona a fekkin rip-off"
"Well, ok" says the boyo "I don't think it's so bad, it's got film in it as well. Still, I hear the Bishop's a bit of a photographer, what do you think father, would he be interested, in the film an' everything?"
Reluctantly, the priest sees the point and forks out the cash.
So, having spent a fortune on an unwanted toy, the priest decides to try his hand at photography, and sees it as a chance to get in with the bishop who is also a bit of a snapper. At a big churchie get together, the priest is happily photographing everything when the bishop notes the new camera and asks the priest about it, and how much it cost
The priest opts not to lie too much to the bishop and tells him it cost around £3000
"£3000" exclaims the bishop "Jaysus, he must have seen you coming"
In 1993 the US Government conducted a study to see why the head of a mans pen!s was larger than the shaft. One year and $1.8 million later it concluded that it was to give the man greater pleasure during sex.
In 1994 the UK decided to do its own study. One year and £500,000 later it concluded that it was to give the man greater pleasure during sex.
Ireland, unsatisfied with these results conducted its own study. Two weeks and €75.14 later it concluded that it was to keep mans hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A man drinks too much and his wife tells him that if he comes home drunk again she will leave him
He goes to the pub and drinks too much and throws up all over himself.
He tells his friend, "I can't go home like this or my wife will leave me".
His friend says,"Go home and put a twenty pound note in your inside jacket pocket and say a man threw up over me and gave me this for my dry cleaning"
He goes home and his wife kicks off and he says, "no, no, no a man threw up over me and gave me this twenty pounds for my cleaning"
His wife says "but you have two twenty pound notes who is the other one from"?
He says, "that's from the man who shat in my pants"...
After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had an appointment at the dentist. He was afraid the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss and on top of that a whole bottle of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentists he ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close and said "did you have a 69 before you came here?", Gutted, Brian asked "how did you know, does my breath smell like fanny?". The dentist replied "No, you have a skid mark on your forehead".
LOL Joolsburger - like it.
My local curry house is doing a special Haiti night, on the menu is
Chicken bury auntie, nan dead & poppa gone.
Two nuns riding their bikes down a cobbled street,
One says 'I haven't come this way before",
and the other says "It's a short cut".
sslowpace, a classic!
Q What's the connection between a blow job and a lobster thermidor?
A You don't get either of them at home
Ok, hat, coat, door
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