Be honest and straightforward. She is not “going to sleep”, but she is definitely going to die. This (unlike sleep) is permanent, and you will not see her again, ever.

Children are very resilient. I’m staying with my nephew and three nieces who lost their mother on Wednesday morning to cancer. That said, expect them to say the most unexpected things: “Will mummy be burned when she’s dead?” asked the youngest six yo as we drove her to the ITU to say goodbye for the last time.

Try not to react badly, they really don’t understand but do try and patch things into their understanding, which is most definitely not adult.

My mum died in November (bowel cancer and secondaries in the brain) and my nephews are 3 and 6.

She’d first been diagnosed in March 2014 so they’d had a while of her being generically ill but no real name for it (and at that stage no terminal diagnosis). They just knew that sometimes she was a bit delicate after an op or needed to get some rest because she was tired after chemo.

Mum lived in Spain (although until the secondaries were diagnosed in the middle of last year she came across to the UK a fair bit and did childcare duties during school holidays etc), and their last trip out there was in August. In hindsight very well timed as she went into hospital a week to 10 days later and never came out. After that, while they were told that she was very poorly and my sister and I went out for visits without them they didn’t really get told anything until afterwards.

They took it pretty well to be honest, they have had teary moments but they soon seem to perk up again.

OP – Sorry about your news.

You tell him straight – she has a illness and she will have a long sleep and not see him again

Only the OP can ultimately make the decision, but I would not link to sleep, sleep is something everyone does daily, and your don’t want a 3 1/2 year old scared of sleep in the long term.

Also saying sleep is not telling him straight. Its dressing up the reality of what will happen in to something else.

OP – You will probably find it much harder to deal with than your child will.

I would personally tell your child that Grandma has a disease called cancer, and will get more ill, and there may come a time when Grandma may die (yes I would be that explicit). We avoided use of words like Poorly, sick as these are words we use when our son is ill.

We have had lots of questions about what happens when you die, who looks after you, where do you go, can I go and see ‘x’. etc etc

You need to be aware you will get these questions, and be confident in how you can answer them. This after the fact stuff could possibly be way more upsetting for you all if not handled right.

A bit further down the line the connections kids make are interesting.. and can ambush you from nowhere.

We’d always descried my brothers cancer as a really bad bug in his tummy that doctors couldn’t fix.

A few weeks after my brother died, my 6 year old brought home a reading book from school called “Body Invaders” which was basically about getting a stomach bug.
However she assumed this was about cancer and became absolutely hysterical.

I guess this is just an example of how literally kids take your descriptions.

guess this is just an example of how literally kids take your descriptions.

All the more reason to call things what they are

Sorry to hear O.P.

My mother has non Hodgkins lymphoma B cell type.

Losing her as the cancer is not affected the chemo.

Very tough on the family.

I see from your profile that you are based in the greatest city in the country. You could contact Cavendish Cancer Care http://cavcare.org.uk/ They are based near the Hallamshire, and they specialise in dealing with how cancer affects the whole family. They have play therapy: a massive room full of toys that your kid can play with, and trained counsellors who can gently talk things through over several weeks. My daughter went to them when she was 5 after her closest friend was diagnosed with brain cancer, and I think Cavendish really helped her.

You can say that again. My mums primary is as a sneaky a shit as they come. Apparently on the ‘silent’ but if the panceas. No primary symptons show and its generally not until the secondaries start making their presence known and you’re already ****ed do you get to find out.

Evil **** of a disease…

Amen to that. My stepdad was diagnosed in October, as with many pancreatic cancers, symptom free until too late to do anything. Secondaries in his lungs, went for tests when a cough wouldn’t go away.
Oncologist said two to four months life expectancy without treatment, six to nine months with chemotherapy . He was lucky in that he got onto the treatment regime the day before NICE (ironic name eh?) axed abraxane. He’s doing ok at the moment but he doesn’t expect to see another Christmas 🙁

We lost my brother in law to it September 2014. He did present with symptoms – jaundice – but even with a whipple he only lasted a year

Thoughts are with you OP

This^ Desperate news for anyone.

I lost a grandparent at that age…I really can’t remember anything about it, as it’s such a young age. The kids will be upset but ultimately fine.
Sorry to hear about your mum.

So sorry Dannyb. So very sorry.

When I was in a similar place – I did my best to be clear and simple. I said my dad was really sick and that soon he would die and they wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. They took it on board easily. Dealing with the sadness, meant giving them a lot of cuddles and talking about my dad and answering their questions. I also told them that I was upset and needed to cuddle them and talk about it too – this meant they knew it was ok to need it themselves.

Never, ever tell your boy that your mum is going to sleep. That will make him worry about sleep.