My B-i-L (early 30's) was seeing a lovely girl for a couple of years, moved in with her, all great. Then he went and shagged someone from work. She found out and it ended. He has really tried hard to win her back, without any great success and now she's told him there's no hope and even further, that she was seeing someone else at the same time as him anyway (whether true or a twist of the knife, who can say)

So now he's devastated, feels nothing is worth it, is in and out of pub / catering jobs, and finally has been to see the doctor and has been prescribed anti-depressants. But he keeps posting online about how bad he feels, culminating last night with sth along the lines of '12 of these pills here and everything will be sorted'. It's not the first time he's said something similar and I don't think he's serious, just seeking attention, etc. but when my wife (his sister) and I try to talk with him he doesn't return calls, doesn't meet us when he says he will, and when we do meet him he won't even discuss it with us.

I'm old school – he's a grown up and he needs to make his own choices, whatever they are. A healthy dose of MTFU and get over it wouldn't go amiss. But, and this is in all seriousness, what else can we do for him if he won't help himself. How far can it go / does it have to go before you can act for him? Any sensible help ideas welcomed.

does he ride a bike?

Offer him support show him he's still loved by others and take him away from to some where different. A trip away or a short holiday, get some of his mates along too.

I know one thing for sure….talking & professional help, helps…not the same as your B-i-L's situation, but I suffered immense grief about 2-3 years ago and a result I lost my long term partner, work, self confidence as my head was totally screwed up and my emotions shut down…

Now I have to live with the regret of it all, with hind sight I should have got the help when I needed it the most. I did get the help in the end, but it was all too late…

Regardless of who did what and pointing the finger, get some professional help…IMO.

And give him lots of support, friends help a lot!

HEALTH WARNING I AM NOT A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. I ONLY HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Posting online about suicide seems like a cry for help or at least a cry to her to come back. I think I would be worried that if someone doesn't help or she doesn't come back he might try and go a bit further..

So I admire your intentions, but I think he really needs professional help, you should tell his doc, or help him find help. TJ may have something to say now, in fact I'm surprised he is not already here.

A trip away or a short holiday, get some of his mates along too

isn't that just avoiding the problem, and would anyone be up for an "X has trashed his life" trip ??? Sounds like a recipe for disaster 🙁

You have my sympathy. I have a friend who is very similar, although his downward spiral started after losing his brother and father within a year of each other. He'd previously been in and out of hospital for his depression, on/off pills, cut himself, actually got put on the psych ward for observation, etc. All his friends tried to keep in contact with him, but he won't answer the phone, return messages, anything.

He'll turn up randomly, maybe once a year, but in the meantime for all I know he could be dead. One of my best mates, and in truth it tears me up sometimes. I feel like I've done all I can, but if he won't help himself, then what more can I do. I don't even know where he lives anymore, so I can't even go and knock on his door.

I hope you find a solution, because damned if I can find the answer. Good luck.

TofD having been in a similarish situation all you can do is keep finding him and keep offering him love and support.

A trip away or a short holiday,

sorry for the cliche but time is a great healer. INE, the further away (in time) he ghets from it, the easier it is to put things into perspective, and it helps by being somewhere where you're away from anything that's too familiar. As far as sfb's comment about anyone being up for a long weeknd's misery – for me that's a big part of the definition of friend
Also, wrt MTFU – one of the hardest things anyone can do is admit they need help emotionally. If you care about him, the best you can do, IMHO is be there until ghe feels he's ready to ask. trying to push it will likely drive him further into himself.

Not a health professional either.

how can i find out who his doctor is, or anyone else he's seeing for this? he won't tell us, he won't talk about it. He's built this wall around himself, throws these messages saying 'help' over the top of it, and yet won't open the door when someone tries to answer them.

if he doesnt ride a mountain bike buy him one and take him out on it.
honestly it may just change his life.

I guess he wants you to prove your love for him by having to try really really hard to get to him.

EDIT Nonk plus 1. that is why we are all here (on stw) ..

As far as sfb's comment about anyone being up for a long weeknd's misery – for me that's a big part of the definition of friend

only if friendship is about scoring agony points 🙁 Far better to engage in a little CBT than add the additional stress of a pointless holiday IMO

Sorry, but I'm inclined to think your BiL is being a big flouncing pansy.
Banging on about finishing himself off with some pills, perrrlease? IME people that do that, sadly, don't give you the warning.

Just tell him to MTFU and learn from this lesson…. if you love a lady, go out of your way not to hurt them!

I'm not mental health professional btw. 😆

Take him out for a drive in your car drive dangerously and recklessly until he thinks he's going to die.

Depending on how he reacts you will we able to accurately determine whether he really want to end it all or its just a cry for attention.

Far better to engage in a little CBT than add the additional stress of a pointless holiday IMO

getting him to learn to ride a motorbike would be excellent therapy and I highly recommend it

Attention seeking activity,you can stand by him forever but its his decision wether to take advice or keep crying help me.

Try to slowly back off from him, say youve got your own life,things to do, perhaps both of you go away for a weekend as somebody else said.

Breakups happen all the time, hopefuly he will find someone else.

Tough word but you must make a stand or you will become a crutch.

scu98rkr – Member
Take him out for a drive in your car drive dangerously and recklessly until he thinks he's going to die.

Depending on how he reacts you will we able to accurately determine whether he really want to end it all or its just a cry for attention.

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A patient that i worked with at a large psychie hospital, threatening to kil himself over the christmas, he got admitted, middle of Jan he made a recovery.

A few days latter he came in really ajitated, he said as he was crossing the road a bus driver nearly ran him over, so he said he chased trhe bus to the lights opened the doors and punched the driver.

I asked why he did that, as over christmas he was suicidal,and wanted to die, ah said he that was just to get into hospital and get attention.

Where as the bus driver could have killed me, and i dont want to die yet says he, spring will be here soon.

In one way I kinda feel sorry for him , but if you're in a relationship that you care about you don't go sticking your dick in other peoples !!

He's pissed that he got caught , his ex's retort that she was shagging someone else at the same time has had the required effect and blown his mind. It hurts when the shoe is on the other foot and he's going to have to deal with it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but that's the way I see it.

In NA and AA they say that by helping you are preventing the person from hitting rock bottom and seeking help for themselves.

I know it might sound harsh, but if there is only you and no-one to lean on, you pretty soon have to W/MTFU and get on with it.

Having said that, I appreciate that if he does top himself, you may feel bad (although you shouldn't, he is not your responsibility).

Good luck

BTW: Cycling turned my life around, that and owning a dog.

my friend was like this; through my final year of uni i was travelling home every weekend to be the shoulder to cry on she'd be ok and then a mid week 'i'm not going to kill myself but keep thinking about it and i want to phone call'

anyway she found jesus, in a fiesta, she 'let the light in' and now is a fully signed up evangelical baptist.

take him to see the pope? 😉

Seriously though i think all you can do is talk to him rationally and tell him to stop posting cries for attention on FB and get some real help.

and now is a fully signed up evangelical baptist.

doesn't that define religion ? Respite care for the terminally hopeless.

First off, this is a situation entirely of his own making. He was in a relationship, decided to play away, got caught. His fault, no-one elses, deal with it.

Far better to engage in a little CBT

Cock and ball torture? I fail to see how that will help AT ALL!

And Karin also speaks the truth. He's got to hit rock bottom and realise for himself. You could be providing a safety net that prevents that. I know two alcoholics. One hit a bad place, made his choices and has made a full turnaround. The other is constantly protected / supported by family and continues to drink oblivious of the pain it causes to all around them.

simple fact of life is you can't help someone who doesn't either want help or recognise the need for help.

Best thing is to just let them know that you are there for them and offer support if/when they need it. Some people just need to hit rock bottom before being able to head upwards again.

If you really do want to do something, then do something low key like invite him round on friday / saturday nights (prime brooding times) just so he gets out of being on his own with his mind ticking over.

Again no actual official knowledge just personal experience (both sides of the coin)

Cock and ball torture? I fail to see how that will help AT ALL!

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Though your idea might work too…

Now I have to live with the regret of it all, with hind sight I should have got the help when I needed it the most. I did get the help in the end, but it was all too late…

Am in exactly the same boat. And the effects will go on and on for me.

simple fact of life is you can't help someone who doesn't either want help or recognise the need for help.

Quite. It is a symptom of those at their lowest that they don't understand just how much they need to receive help.

When I was at my very worst I read a book about CBT that taught me:
1) you can always rely on yourself
2) your problems are not very interesting to anyone else

Cheers toys. Hopefully he's out there trying to put himself back together. A phone call once in a while would be nice though. Hey, what can you do.

When I was at my very worst I read a book about CBT

Title, please, sfb..!