I trust that you won’t take offence OP but that sounds like a ‘good death’, surrounded by your family and love. I find it difficult to see what else you could have done.

Now the grieving begins. My condolences and take care.

So sorry to hear this news.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a parent recently especially you seosam77.

bunnyhop x

Sorry to hear that news seosam77. My mother had a pain-free death in her own bed with morphine relief. I still can’t eat Crème Caramel (it was all she could eat in the end, and something she used to hoard from us kids!)

You’ll remember some odd things. I took my nephews out for a bike ride on the afternoon of her death, before visiting her, for example. Talk about the good times, and carry her in your heart.

Sincere condolences from my family to yours.

May she rest in peace.

And remember there is no ‘right way’ to grieve. Just take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Dont think I have grieved yet, My mum passed away what will be 6 years this year, 3 years before that she had been ill with COPD, and bed bound towards the end as suffering from severe anxiety – to the point I couldnt tell her I was out biking as she would ring and ring and all day to make sure I was ok and then on my way home.. those were tough long time, I couldn’t tell her I had quit work to set up on my own as a result.
She was rushed into hospital on a Friday and was in RESUS til they settled her down, The Sunday evening she was swearing and shouting at me as I had put her in there but the staff said she was coming home on Monday I said that wasn’t my mum as she never swore in her life .. I just got up and left as I had no idea how Dad I were going to cope, The phone rang on the Sunday morning about 5am saying to go in as she had had a stroke.. Got there and she was just murmuring things not making sense, The staff were taking her for a Scan so I just said i’ll be back with dad… Got dad and we sat by here bed and she slowly drifted away with us both holding her hands.. I just remember watching her heart beat slowly come down.. it got to about 10 and I said to dad, best say goodbye now.. He didn’t know what I meant.. but said, say goodbye now while you still can.. And that was so peaceful and quiet.

Then two days later dad was rushed in with Pneumonia, he was in for over a month and at first thought it was going to be a joint funeral, but he got better and I collected him from the hospital to take him to the funeral.

Dad pretty much replaced mum after that, he had her bed downstairs, walking equipment, carers too he’d given up and wanted to be with my mum.. with many hospital visits and dr’s being called as they thought each time his end was near… His anxiety was getting worse and many times he would ring me in the early hours of the morning asking for things or wanting me to go round, again he was also suffering from COPD like my mum had. if he started to cough he would panic and then choke and panic more which would then kick off his angina.. It was horrible to watch and try and calm him down whilst the ambulance service turned up.

Each time he dipped he always picked up he always did and I always thought he would, but last August at 90 years old. He started his Paliative care on the Monday after a weekend of Ambulance call outs (he would ring them before I got to him to stop the call out). His anxiety was at its worst, I stopped with him, if I wasn’t by his side he would shout out for me, this was relentless and I had to call the District nurses out to calm him down. Tuesday he rallied a little and wanted a cup of tea even though he couldn’t drink it, think he managed two sips.. (He had already been off food for the last 3 or 4 weeks and was a basic skeleton). At this point he was also messing himself as he no idea what was going on.. I had not imagined in all off my life I would be cleaning my dad and changing his bed clothes but you just do it.
The wednesday morning he was just murmuring just like mum was really, not even a whisper out of him. The DN called and said it would not be long now.. within about half an hour he was gone… I lifted the sheet and let Goldie (his dog) lick his arm and we both said goodbye to him.

His funeral was the best I could do for him, he would have been impressed with me I even felt the approval from him. He had thought in the second world war and the Royal British Legion was brilliant, had his cap and medals on the coffin, Union Jack draped over it and a Standard Bearer at the end.. it was brilliant.

Now how do I feel? Never really grieved for either my mum or dad as the last few years were so tough I sometimes have trouble thinking passed that as it is still too fresh in my memory and good times are hard to think off. I do sometimes go to ring mum up and ask her something then realise I can’t. Or I will be doing something or at a place and suddenly tears start rolling down for no reason.. That can be a bit odd if I’m in a supermarket and something so silly like a certain muller rice pudding with kick something off.

But I do feel like i’ve been thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool. I have neither my mum or dad to talk to now.. thats the tough bit I think..

Not sure if anything makes sense as everyone goes through it differently, but just one thing it could be the last time you see either your mum or dad and try not to leave on a argument.. I couldn’t wait to get away from mum as there was no way she was coming home like how she was the night, and as it did she didn’t..

I could go on, but between years 6 and 9, there was nursing homes for mum as dad was treated for cancer, then a house fire with more nursing homes for mum. then dad having bore holes for a blood clot in the head, then having pacemaker (not in that order) so I do have trouble seeing passed the last few years as it has been pretty head on. Plus giving up work to set up on my own.

Not sure if it has helped you and anyone, but feel better typing it down.. and everyone is different and whatever you do is right.

oh, sort all the paperwork and funeral arrangements out now while you can.. its hard to talk about but ask.
Also my main thing i wished I has asked was old photographs who are they in them? I have tonnes with no one to tell me now..

Oh, sorry, didn’t realise it was that long…

That’s cool mate, gone a bit dusty at work here this afternoon now.
One thing I remember from my father passing is after he had passed in his own bed we were all downstairs waiting for the funeral directors to arrive and I went upstairs to the loo and the cat was curled up on his chest fast asleep, it was like he was saying goodbye too.

Seosamh77.

Sorry to hear your news. Look after yourself.

Just to let you all know, my beautiful wee mammy passed away last night, she was surrounded by her 3 sons and husband as she left us.

Bless ye ma, you will always live in me and others.

Then you all did a wonderful service to her. Your last sentence sums up my position – to be able to think back and feel additional strength and support within yourself, even thought the person is gone.

My love and condolences to you.

Lost my wonderful dad, born in 1916, about 20 years ago and 10 years later looked after my mum with terminal cancer for 18 months whilst she taught me how to be a better person.

Recently, my wife has gone through a similar thing.

It’s awful, and it will get worse before it gets better.
But, amazingly, it does.

I was lucky to have a pretty big group of genuine friends and a small but supportive and loving family.
Talk about the things that are bothering you and please, please try and force yourself to consider the possibility of councelling when you feel up to it.

No matter how big a support group you have, I found talking to a stranger with a bit of expertise helped enormously and has again recently.

As has this place.

Guilt is your enemy.

I love my parents and think about them every day.
I sometimes dream that they’re still here.
Always have, since they died.
At first, it upset me because I’d only realise they were gone as I woke up.
Now it makes me happy.

Love to all.

seosamh77 Thoughts are with you and the family during this sad time.

So nice that you were all with her at the end, not many get that chance. Remember she is still there but now she is looking over you all.
I still talk to both my mum and dad asking for guidance and help when I need it.

Sorry to hear this Seosamh, take care

All the best to you and yours Seosamh, take care.

smudge – Member
I do sometimes go to ring mum up and ask her something then realise I can’t. Or I will be doing something or at a place and suddenly tears start rolling down for no reason.. That can be a bit odd if I’m in a supermarket and something so silly like a certain Muller rice pudding with kick something off.

But I do feel like I’ve been thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool. I have neither my mum or dad to talk to now.. that’s the tough bit I think..

You have described it perfectly only in my case its Ambrosia cream custard as that’s all my mum could eat in the end, I really miss my Friday even chats with my mum putting the world to rights & sorting things out 🙁
My dad died a slow lingering death in 1998 from bone cancer due to my step mothers resistance to let him go, I can forgive her that as he was only 61 and he totally turned her life around for her, but having to see your father who had been a 6’2″ 17 stone bloke reduced to 9 stone bed bound shell being craned up to have his nappy changed is neither edifying nor a memory I want to keep.

Thankfully my mother had the will & courage to stop her treatment last March (also bone cancer) and her suffering was over in 4 days, I saw her the day before she died and she was little more than skin & bone in a bed, I held her hand and talked my heart out to her for over an hour I have no idea if she heard any of it but I guess it was my saying goodbye to her?
She died on the Thursday night & like a **** I went into work the next day not knowing what I should do!

I didn’t even tell my wife till the following evening, though given my role as her primary carer in her advanced staged of secondary progressive MS it not always easy to tell her things.

I finally broke down on the Saturday morning after my wife spoke to her mum who said “its so sad about Janet (my mum) to which my wife replied “yes it is” and then proceeded to tell her mum about me speaking to my mum that morning!!!
Having to cope with my mums death & my wife’s cognitive decline at the same time has ripped me apart if I’m honest.

Sorry for a rambling post its just sometimes here is the only place I feel I can express these thoughts!

Overshoot – that’s really sad and my heart goes out to you.

I hope no-one has a problem with me recounting my brief personal experience of parental deaths.
My Mam – that’s a north eastern give away – and dad were devoted to each other and she always said it was her wish to pre-decease him; it didn’t happen.

My Dad – a Geordie through and through – was diagnosed with stomach cancer aged 65; he was still working at the time of his diagnosis and had started at the age of 14 – leave school on friday and start work at Swan Hunters shipyards at Wallsend on monday as an apprentice blacksmith.
I have a photo of my paternal grandad – a boilermaker in the shipyards – taken during a strike; the boilermakers were the most powerful union in the yards – no boilermakers, no ships. Two rows of stern faced victorian-era men all wearing black suits, white shirts, black ties and scowling at the camera.
My Dad was a very intelligent bloke but his stammer prevented him from fulfilling his capabilities.
An example of attitudes/behaviours from a different generation…..my Dad’s mother went by train from Wallsend to Alston (bleak, Northumbrian, on the way to Carlisle) to see a relative; my Dad went to the station to meet her on her return – train stops, doors open, my Dad runs down platform, his mother opens her arms to hug him, he thought he was going to be smacked across the face (again) and backed away.

Mam was Irish – from Galway – and lied about her age; I have two birth certificates for her but they show different years of birth; one has been doctored to reduce her age by 7 years. The general assumption is that she lied about her age when she met my Dad and lived that life thereafter – to the extent of amending her birth cert.

He was Frankie to everyone, she was Lena – diminutive of Helena.

Dad’s op was deemed to be a great success by his surgeon; I questioned him but was dismissed. Unfortunately I was right and he was wrong; aggressive cancer returned and my Dad died of carcinomatosis at about 6am on Nov 11th 1991. My brother had generous compassionate leave from his employer; I didn’t.
I was at then home in Leeds; phone rings early on a Monday morning; before answering I knew who was calling and why.

From that day until her death my Mam never forgave my Dad for leaving her.

As for my Mam, she was 5′ of green-eyed, twinkly-eyed Irish loveliness.
She did not want to live without my Dad; dementia and bronchopneumonia did for her – within 24 hours.
After her funeral on Tyneside we returned to home, as it then was, in North Notts; I spent the evening outside sawing logs and splitting them in some sort of vengeance – or release of aggression.

So much more to say but I don’t know how.

Since then….divorce.

I have learned how to cry.

That has not prevented me from making ‘dick posts’ for which I apologise.

Really sorry to hear of your loss.  Hard as it is, you were all there with her and that is good for all of you and for for your mother.

Thinking of you and your family.

Take care,

Jay

For the OP:

My thoughts on losing my Mum at age 66 in 2013, is that in the darkest hours you’ll feel lost and wonder if you can continue, and if life will ever have brightness again, and the answer to that is a definitely yes. It can feel like an emotional roller coaster, and the grieving process can hurt like hell. I live alone, and while it was a bit desolate at times, being by myself and missing my Mum, it was kind of healthy to be able to cry if I felt the need, and loudly too, and ‘grieve properly’ as I saw it.

Don’t be surprised if you feel like the world seems a harsher place, or like your ‘outer layer’ feels thinner than it used to, so that you feel more vulnerable emotionally, a slight loss of confidence my be apparent too. My Dad and I both had our memories go to pot for a while after my Mum, in leaving our back doors and having to turn round and go back and check they were locked.

I found seeing a grief therapist to be really really helpful. I think I started going about 6 months after my Mum passed away, once I felt like I wasn’t going to randomly fall to pieces like I had been doing previously. Above all, be gentle with yourself and know that at some point things will get easier.

As far as how things will be emotionally, seeing them as something which will ‘ebb and flow’ may be helpful. A year after losing my Mum, she was playing on my mind at a concert so I didn’t really enjoy it too much, where as 4 years later I went to see the Prodigy and found myself becoming fully lost and absorbed in the experience.

Life will continue, and eventually, you will be okay.

MrOvershoot, we just do what we have to do, the way I looked at it was mum and dad looked after me most of their life and now it was my turn to look after them, more so dad as he just kept going to some extent. Things I had to do, I was glad dad wasn’t really aware of towards the end but helping someone who was just a skeleton towards the end was heartbreaking I think you put on a thick skin and just get on with it if that makes sense.
At the time you think its just you thats going and having gone through it, but when you chat and even looking on here you realise you aren’t.
I have a friend in the office next to me at work, and he is just about starting out how I was 9 years ago, i’ve helped him as much as I can with social workers and the likely pitfalls with nursing homes, help which I never had but learnt the hard way. At the same time said he has to make his own decisions and right or wrong they are the right ones.
Think you grow up at times like this, as your mum and dad will always be there for you wont they. <3

Thanks everyone for the kind comments.

I’m slowly coming round today, well I think, more numb than anything tbh. The last 2 days have been a whirlwind. It’s been a hard hard week but I’ve made a point to myself just to let it out when it comes. To be honest, I’ve been kept busy over the last few days, Lots of things to organise, and I decided on Tuesday I wanted to do the order of service for my mum. Really wasn’t sure about that and if I’d have been able to, but tbh, currently I feel it’s been very therapeutic, I was near inconsolable at the start of the week, but feel a bit better now. Looking out photo’s and doing the best job I can on that has helped, and I feel that I’m giving people something to remember mum by, (I’ve done a 12 page A5 thing with loads of photos). And something someone said to me is really sticking, be grateful for the time you had, as it’s better than never having it. Really strikes a chord that, and I’ve been having lots of positive thoughts today for the first time.

But we’ll see how that goes, tomorrow mum comes home and she’ll be in the house for a few days, we’ll be allowing people to come up and pay their respects as and when they want over the weekend. Could well turn into a full blown old Irish type wake, could be a quiet affair, who knows at the moment, will just take these next few days as they come, we got to the crematorium on monday..

A wee question though, as tbh, saturday and sunday we’re pretty traumatic days for me(I’m not going into details there, I made a choice and I’m really glad I did it, but it was incredibly tough), and earlier in the week I could not get my mums final moments out of my head(immersing myself in photos for the order of service has really helped there)

When your loved one came back, did you go and see them again? I’m really unsure of whether I should or not, pretty conflicted. Just curious there, I guess it’ll take care of itself and I’ll just make a decision, but I was wondering what I’ll do.

Not sure anyone else’s answer to this is going to be much use to you, it’s a personal thing but one of the positive aspects would be that the last time you’ll get to see your mum will be serene, in her own clothes and in familiar surroundings. This can be a welcome contrast to the time spent at a hospital bedside.

I went to see my dad.  It was good to see him – as I was not with him when he died and it was also a reality check.  Apologies if this is a bit self-absorbed, but it’s the only thing I have to offer.

Whilst he was in the hospital he looked bizarrely healthy – probably because he was being filled with oxygen – compared with how he looked normally with his COPD.  When I saw him afterwards he looked ok, don’t get me wrong – not horrendous or macabre or anything like that but he looked tired and he looked unwell more as he normally did (No Monty Python jokes please…).

Somehow this helped me to put his death into perspective, I could see that he had had enough and was  in whatever fashion – at peace and that he was actually gone.

As is the custom in my dad’s branch of Hinduism, we (My brother and I) stayed with him through quite a bit of the night.  We shared memories of him and our feelings of love with him.  We went over old family jokes and played music he loved and we loved too.  It was actually lovely and not at all morbid.  Kind of wake-like with no booze or buffet.

Hopefully that may help.  Maybe it will take some potential trepidation away from the idea of seeing your mum and also that spending time with them after they have gone is also not terrible either.

Whatever you do – make sure it works for you and that in many ways is all that matters.  I will be thinking of you over the next few days – not sure that helps that some internet random has you on his mind, but I will.

Take care,

Jay

thanks for these.

Not sure if this will help, but for what it’s worth…

I lost Joyce in 1955 when I was just four years old to a variety of painful cancers.  At that age, you don’t find meaning in anything beyond a moment-to-moment experience of the passing scenery.

I have just three distinct memories and a few old-fashioned black and white photos.

Later on, my appalling father made an inappropriate second marriage to someone whose idea of a suitable approach to a shattered family was to institute discipline.

I won’t bore you with the details of the nightmare that followed.

I keep a framed photo of Joyce in the house and hold the occasional conversation with  her in my head.

It seems to help.

Good luck.

I had to take my dad to the hospital to formally ID my mum (she didn’t make it to the hospital) and we had time there (I went in to the ‘resting’ room several times mostly on my own). I found the absence of life shocking.

my sister was enroute when my mum died and we all went up to the mortuary with her in the evening.

at the funeral home after they ‘dressed’ her we went back. My brother lives in the US and we held the coffin open for him and his kids to arrive. There were some (minor) visible signs of deterioration by that time and I made the decision that coffin be sealed up (rather than let my dad come back up).

We all needed to see her again one final time. But it was shocking(I mean to me as in a jolt).

I suspect you’ll find the answer when she’s back, you’ll either have to or you can’t…

best wishes.

I found it comforting to see mum at peace (it wasn’t a pleasant death to watch, 4 days of descent to delirium and conking out). We had sat with her in shifts around the clock while she went.

One of mum’s oldest friends said the old mum was visible when she died (how she was before 15 years of treatments and remission set in).

I went to see my Mam because she died in Durham at 5 am while I was in Essex.

She looked great and it was amazing to see her without pain etched into her face. For that I can’t tell you how much it helped dealing with her devastating loss.

Can’t say I have truly come to terms with her loss and it’s been 8 years, just bottled it up and it comes out at odd times (like now when I’m sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks).

my mothers death didn’t affect me much.  I lost my emotion when I talked, well blubbered, at the funeral and I have the odd cry at home when drunk.  what affected me was watching her slowly die painfully of cancer.  It was more a relief when she finally past.  I do miss my mum and get sad when I see pics or film of her.