It is the anniversary of my father in law’s death tomorrow and my wife’s family are gathering (during work hours so I am exempt) to be together etc.

Sister in Law coming over tonight and I’ll probably see her before I go out for the Thursday night ride. There may be tears….I don’t know.

Of the two, my wife in the ‘strong’ one and has a fairly good control of her emotions and this is where the problem lies. She’ll probably bimble through the day seeming cool, calm, collected and in control but having been married a good few years now, I know something is going on in there, you know, the odd silence, downcast look etc. There have been one or two in the last day or so and photos etc have been coming out etc.

If I ask, she’ll say ‘don’t worry about it, I’m ok’ but I don’t want to make some huge gaffe and just act like an ar$e. As I am quite prone to the odd ‘foot in mouth’ episode this is a real possibility.

So, be ‘normal’ but reserved or just be normal and risk doing totally the wrong thing?

Never having been in this position before, I’d welcome some thoughts from people who have.

I think just asking her if she’s Ok and maybe if there is anything you can do at an appropriate time(s) would be my suggestion.

Just be normal, like you are every other day. If she is anything like me, the anniversary of his death will simply be another reminder of him, amongst many she’s had.

Seems very odd thing to do, gather together to wallow in grief together, but I guess people have their own ways of dealing with stuff like that !

My dad died when I was quite young, and I think about him often and yes I do remember the day (and his birthday) but would never think to hold some kind of event.

Anyways, yes, I think going out on your bike sounds like a good approach. Be yourself is generally good advice for most situations too. There is no right thing to say, and all that.

crack on, your missus is handling it.

but that funny little gag you make, that somehow drops you in it up to your neck….. dont be surprised and just take the flack

@hels…. it isn’t an event, just the three of them.

Thanks for the input…. ‘normal’ it is then. 🙂

I’d leave the ball in her court – give her a hug, let her know you’re there if she needs you and don’t push her into talking if she doesn’t want to.

I get very reserved and quiet around my mum’s anniversary. Sometimes I want to talk, sometimes I don’t. Nobody could guess when and people asking if I’m ok just annoys me.

If I ask, she’ll say ‘don’t worry about it, I’m ok’

tell her you’ll be there for her when she’s ready to talk about it, once you are sure your message is understood stop asking if she’s ok coz it’ll probably do her head in

.. As I am quite prone to the odd ‘foot in mouth’….

me too.

we had a birthday cake for the 1st anniversary of my grandad’s birthday. bit weird. 😯

My father passed away on the 23rd of June last year, so had my first anniversary recently.

As druidh mentions, just be normal, like you are every other day.

OK sorry I thought you meant they were having the whole family over to mark the occasion !

3 sisters together and drink involved – have you thought about ordering a stripper for them, lighten the mood ??

Email in my profile.

“How are you feeling?” is usually a good way to say “happy to listen if you want to talk, but equally happy not to if you don’t”

Give her a hug, ask “How are you feeling?” and then carry on as normal.

Works with my Mrs.

Big plus one for what the teaboy said. I’m pretty nonverbal, though, and my other half isn’t. But she’d definitely know what I was trying to communicate with a big hug in a situation like yours. I think!

TBH might not even need to ask “how are you feeling”. You’ll know pretty well. Just up the ante on the little things that make difference, cup of tea first thing in the morning, do the ironing or stuff, without asking ..

and give her some head space.

As others – just be yourself, tell her you know it must be hard but all she has to do is ask and you will do whatever she needs of you.

And give her a hug.

FWIW – was one year last Saturday since my mum died. I went out with my brother and got pissed – but it was for a friend’s 40th birthday so not ‘wallowing in grief’ pissed. We did talk about her (and dad – 3.5 years since he died).

It is arse isn’t it?

My advice would be not to ask her if she’s OK, but instead just give her a hug when she’s looking down or make her a cup of tea etc.

A hug, a kiss on the forehaed and tell her you love her.
If she wants to talk, she will.

Be normalish but show you are thinking about her. Tears are normal so dont worry about them.

The two things you want to avoid are

“If you have to ask…” and “I can’t believe how insensitive you are”

Don’t bother asking the question, just do something comforting.

If she snaps for a trivial reason, just suck it up. Both of you know it’s just a bit of grief manifesting itself as anger and not worth taking further. And like others have said, just a gentle back rub and kiss will let her know you’re there for her.

Big hug for no reason, a smile and a kiss on the cheek and say nothing.

She will know why. No need to say anything.

Works for me.

Maybe get some flowers?
Big long hug
Cup of tea
dont throw your pants on the floor
ask if its ok to ride your bike

not an easy time , mortality reminder and sometimes a few ‘If only’ moments might lead to tears.

I’d talk to her about how you’re feeling. You are clearly concerned about her and explaining to her that you want to do what she needs you to do but you don’t really know what that is, I reckon, would be a lovely thing.
What do I know. I can’t remember the dates my mum and dad did the human race a favour sadly passed away. I know I was waiting for my Sub 5 to arrive from Orange when it was my dad and I went for a ride with NBT and Bunnyhop the day after my mum’s go at it.
Yeah, talk to her. It will mean a lot.

Just going through that with a mate, whos mum died a few years ago, it was her birthday on wednesday, moodchanges, agression, threats, and swearing, oh and i have to work with him.

Realy stressful, he want talk.

FWIW, I can’t remember the dates either of my parents died. That’s not to say I don’t think about them or miss them. I guess it being an “anniversary” makes no difference to how I feel.