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help/advice for coping..

120 posts & 49 voices | Started 2 years ago by miaowing_kat | Latest reply from Ti29er

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Trustyrusty - Member

Crikey, I thought it was just me! I've just got back from a not entirely fruitful meeting after telling yet another stranger why I'm a certifiable nutbar*

*I hope you get some answers/progress soon, my current experiences of support via the NHS are "patchy" to say the least, but it's been an interesting journey so far, and some of the individuals have been fantastic. I also know that Nutbar isn't a clinical term, but if the cap fits.... In the highly unlikely event that you think I might be able to help! feel free to PM but mostly look after yourself and don't be shy about spending time around your friends and family, brooding on your own only makes things worse IME

Posted 2 years ago #
NickyB is going downhill - Member

Hi Miaowing Kat, sod him hes a muppet and does not know what hes losing! Trust me Im a bloke and take it from me we are a bunch of pricks! Your amazing, beautiful and your a mountain biker! There is no person that is more beautiful in the world than a lady who rides! Thats a fact, I heard it off the Dalai Lama!!! He was round for tea t'other night!

Seriously look at your positives, if you ride your interesting and active thats a plus, if your in Uni your intelligent another plus and Ive only read three or four of your forum posts! God knows what potential you have in there!

I would avoid him, that will only make it harder.

If its all too much, sack whatever your doing off and go turn the pedals it always works for me.

Nick

x

Posted 2 years ago #
simonfbarnes - Member

haha i wrote an essay as well

you get an 'E'
1) there's scant future in trying to win someone back
2) if you're trying to help someone don't blather about your own problems

Posted 2 years ago #
zaskar - Inactive

Kat you need to bloody grow up and move on.

The guy is not into You -for his own reasons-who cares what they are-he probably doesn't even know for himself! guys are just as weird as gals.

You need to find someone that likes YOU how you like them etc.

But you're not mature enough to handle a proper relationship from your behaviour-hell you need to love yourself before you start to love others.

Go and have fun, set new goals, get a life for YOURSELF not involving him

Don't hold out, life is too short.

Set new goals and get through uni, if you're confused in two weeks then don't bother going unless you're gonna pass yr1 on min credit but yr 2 and 3 is critical for a clear mind and a 2:1 min.

Take some pride in yourself and wise up woman! who cares if you see him again as you'll meet so many people on travels.

It's your choice-be brilliant and make something of yourself or cry away.

Loads of people like you male or females but don't waste time like they do as life is too short.

Sorry if I sound harsh but want the best for anyone.

Live the dream, wake up and do some work.

Posted 2 years ago #
stumpy01 - Member

i can't believe no one has suggested buying some shiny new bike components.

A good mate of mine at uni was dumped over the phone after a fairly lengthy relationship - he went out and spanked almost £5k on a Ducati Monster 750 to cheer himself up. It seemed to work, I didn't see him stop smiling for about 3 months afterwards; his eyes used to twinkle everytime he started it up.

Do you have a bike licence?

Posted 2 years ago #
Dr Dolittle - Member

grocery shopping is a rather sad and much duller experience

Grocery shopping is always dull. Buy an ipod or something. Anyway, did you say your ex was 20/21? he's a **** child at that age, and you'd probably end up hating him anyway in in a few years. I didn't resemble a human being until 30, so I'd say forget all the teenage romance crap and just enjoy being young free and single for as long as you can.

Posted 2 years ago #
woodsman - Member

Keep busy, even when you really don't feel like doing anything. Socialise, even when you really don't feel like socialising. Ride your bike even when you really don't feel like riding......

Talk to people, don't fear of boring them, it's important to you, and if they're true friends they won't mind, just don't be offended if you can see their minds wandering - they still care.

You're still very young, focus on your course, things will get easier, and you will meet someone else - this in time, will just be a memory.

There are plenty of self help positive thinking books at bookshops, which shows lots of people go through, and get through these times. Buy one, or two even - it can help!

Best wishes

Pete aka Woodsman

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

ernie_lynch - Member

when all the pain and passionate feelings have gone ..... about 2 years.

ffs don't start thinking it's going to take 2 years to get over him - it won't !

You gonna feel a whole lot better after a month or two. But deep feelings will linger on for quite a while.

The most important thing to remember, is that they could flare up again if you have contact with him after say, 6 months - so don't do it !

Posted 2 years ago #
neilnevill - Member

I can't offer any advice, but I'd like to offer my support. I'm thinking of you and I sincerely hope you find a way to feel better.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

I have no idea what attracted him: I'm demanding, motherly and emotional. But I'm half chinese and I also happen to be awesome

As for Uni, I'm doing an art degree :gulp: but I enjoy it and find it very rewarding (when all goes well). as for job prospects, :double gulp: I can only hope I find something related to my degree. Part of my plan will definitely have to be finding a rich husband

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

ack, I can't keep up with all the replies!

thankyou thankyou so much. you've helped me feel much better about myself. I think I needed to be reminded by strangers that of course I am indeed gorgeous and wonderful. I think I'll probably print this thread out in the morning so I can carry around my own 'break-up manual'

I will keep on trying to get a hold of my counsellor but perhaps use my friends as a stop-gap for the time being

Posted 2 years ago #
coffeeking - Member

There's thousands of people who'll love each and every aspect of you, both the ones you think are good and the ones you think are bad! Thinking there's just one is nuts. Thinking it'll be hard to find another is nuts. Love is just a chemical reward/pleasure process in the brain, it's not some mystical thing. You'll find someone better, you'll be fine at uni and you'll get a job if you have half a brain regardless of the career choice. Keep your chin up, detatch yourself completely from him and just accept it as over, not as something negative but as a fresh start and a fresh chance to find something better.

Posted 2 years ago #
stumpy01 - Member

I find when i am on a ride shouting "I am a tiger" to myself during particularly strenuous climbs as well as saying things like "That was rad" and "gnarly dude" encourages me to push that little harder (plus it really cheeses of my riding mates).

I suggest trying it while food shopping at random intervals, while trolley surfing. It's quite liberating.

Right - time to retire. I've got to be up at six and then face a 60 mile commute to work listening to the effervescent wit of Chris Moyles & his joyous gang. And you thought you had it bad!

PS - half Chinese, eh?!.....I bet you have great legs. My first girlfriend was Chinese and she had great pins. I have since taken the time to observe that it seems to be a genetic thing.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

to be honest (being as modest as possible) I'm often told I'm very pretty, have a wonderful figure and all that. (not sure about the legs but they must at least be toned if I go biking!) Just makes it all the more hard when you're told by the one person whose opinion you truly value that you're not able to turn them on

but don't worry, I'll try keep all your advice in my head, and refer back to this thread for good reminders. thankyou all once again

Posted 2 years ago #
Dr Dolittle - Member

I find when i am on a ride shouting "I am a tiger" to myself during particularly strenuous climbs as well as saying things like "That was rad" and "gnarly dude" encourages me to push that little harder

You dirty bugger.

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

Just makes it all the more hard when you're told by the one person whose opinion you truly value that you're not able to turn them on

He's trying to tell you that whilst he might care for/love you, he's not "in love"......two separate and different feelings. Would you want him, if the only reason he was with you was for sex ?

Posted 2 years ago #
takisawa2 - Member

There's an online community on HERE that might be a source of support, your talking about things so your on the right tracks.
Dont be afraid of taking medication, SSRI's (Citalopram/Cipramil etc) are good but will take about 4-6 weeks to get into you properly, when they do they can work wonders, you wont turn into a junkie but coming off them is best done a few mg a month.
Best advice is hang on in there, talk to people, try not to be alone too much, & enjoy the fine weather as things are worse when the weather is shite. If your stuck at home put the TV/radio on to fill your space with noise, chuck yourself into your uni studies big style.
Oh, & exercise like mad, its a good serotonin releaser.
Oh, & post an email address cos some folks might have really useful advice but don't want to post publicly...me...same as you...now very very ex partner walked out & things were tough for a while.

Posted 2 years ago #
woodsman - Member

I wouldn't agree with medication, without really thinking over if this is right for the individual. Keep a clear head and be positive.

What the op is going through is quite a normal reaction to losing a partner.

Posted 2 years ago #
colande - Member

very little to add to the thread but I do hope you feel better,
it's not easy and it'll take time!

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

this thread has grown huge, I reckon your on for a century.

you get an 'E'
1) there's scant future in trying to win someone back

I think your wrong Miaowing Kat clearly still likes MR Kat, and I reckon they just need to realise why they liked each other to start with, I often see what I would call stagnant couples but like water they can be made alive again.

I am indeed gorgeous and wonderful. I think I'll probably print this thread out

mods hit the delete button, we got a big head in the house. actually you'll fit right in.

oh and i totally disagree with taking anti depressants, nasty nasty drugs, be better off with comfort food it can only make you fat.

Posted 2 years ago #
stonemonkey - Member

The only way to make things better is to sleep with me.

There, I said it.

Posted 2 years ago #
coffeeking - Member

I think your wrong Miaowing Kat clearly still likes MR Kat, and I reckon they just need to realise why they liked each other to start with,

Sometimes works. Sometimes just drags it out returning to a loveless stagnant pond after a brief spring flood. But then we can't all live in a flood can we, usually floods are exciting but subside naturally.

Posted 2 years ago #
glasgowdan - Member

Get in with people. It's only an hour to Stirling Bike Club for a trip as there are lots of nice sociable riders down this way and some great terrain.

Chin up!

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

I hope I don't offend anyone but I was a bit reluctant to put up an email address in case I got any 'offers of marriage'. I know the vast majority of people are supportive and just want to help, but it is the internet after all

I won't be taking medication. I've tried a couple of anti-depressants before and they didn't do anything for me.

EL - I never thought of it like that. he's been very honest to me and I know it was a very difficult decision for him. I suppose it's true that he obviously doesn't love me enough though and how he feels about himself is more important to him at the moment.

stonemonkey - thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'm ready to go near other men just yet..

Posted 2 years ago #
coffeeking - Member

I hope I don't offend anyone but I was a bit reluctant to put up an email address in case I got any 'offers of marriage'. I know the vast majority of people are supportive and just want to help, but it is the internet after all

Good that you've still got a rational head on!

And you were undoubtedly going to get offers of marriage on here, but while there might be those who are thigh rubbing at the thought, the vast majority aren't and even those that are are probably doing it in a non-agressive way lol.

Posted 2 years ago #
alpine girl - Member

Hey Kat
Just remember to keep on smiling in public (or at least trying) - no one likes a miserable person - then in private and with good friends let your true feelings out. I'm in the same situation as you right now and it's very easy to pretend to friends/family that all is okay, but when you do admit you're not coping the help and understanding you will get helps so much. I live abroad and I know it is terrible for my mum because she really can't come and see me, but the phonecalls I get just checking up on me help.
It's hard to let go, and it's even harder to believe that you will sometime meet someone new who is right for you, but you have to hope that it happens.
Anyway, go out for a couple of drinks with good mates (but not too much, otherwise you'll probably end up doing sometime embarrasing - and leave your phone at home to avoid drunken phonecalls), get out on your bike or for a good run, and smile!

Posted 2 years ago #
simonk - Member

(hugs) he sounds a muppet and does not realise the awesome person he has let go.
I can relate to how you feel though, it is not good, a few months ago me and my ex split, she said the 800 miles distance was pretty much to blame, but a month later she was getting back with her ex, often makes me wonder.......but we remained really good friends and that is something.
Took me ages before i could even look at myself in a mirror, even today it still hurts like hell but i am lucky to ahve her as a friend still....and frankly she fought hard to keep me as one and still does every day.

Time will heal Kat and i really hope you find some one who loves and apperciates you for the wonderful woman i am sure you are.

As for me, well another day and a reason to ride (helps me forget)

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

As you have seen, you're not the only one to have recently felt their heart being ripped out!

It has happened to a lot of us on here and most are a fair bit older than you. Whilst you certainly won't feel like it at the moment you are lucky (in an odd way) because you are still so young - you have so much fun and good times ahead of you the thought is staggering to an old git like me

From (recent) personal experience i can only offer the same as others.
Stay away from him
Stay away from him
Stay away from him

i do understand the cathartic release of unburdening all those emotions his actions have created but the effect is only temporary and they come back even worse. It does get better but it is a long road and in the end you have to walk it alone. Friends and family will do all they can to help you, but ultimately only you can change your situation for the better
and i'm sure at some level you already know this.

Good luck and hold your head up.

(wonders when he will begin to take his own advice...)

Posted 2 years ago #
woodsman - Member

simnonk - you'll never forget if you keep her as a friend, you're still pining for her IMO. Ask yourself, for whose benifit is the friendship, and is it holding you back in life.

We're all different, but that's how I see it.

Pete

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

EL - I suppose it's true that he obviously doesn't love me enough

No, no, no, I didn't say that !

He might very well love you - maybe even hugely. I certainly get the impression that he cares very deeply about you. But it's not the same as "being in love". As I said, it's a different emotion altogether, and one which is vital for a successful long-term intimate/sexual relationship.

I repeat, you can love someone, eg. your mum, sister, brother, and even a friend, but it's not the same as being "in love".

Posted 2 years ago #
mastiles_fanylion - Member

I don't agree with any of the responses saying he was stupid to let you go. He decided for his reasons that the relationship had run its course. He should be applauded for having the guts to walk away when he knew something was not right.

I am not saying that to be negative, rather it should be looked at as a positive - everyone deserves to be with someone that wants to be with them, not because they are stuck with them. Clearly he found your nature hard to accept and decided he could not continue.

So, take from it the positives - you are free from a relationship that was doomed to fail as it was not in his nature to accept you as you are. You do not need to change, and you will surely find someone that loves you for what you are, not for what you make yourself to be.

Never change yourself as then you are not only lying to your partner, but lying to yourself as well.

Posted 2 years ago #
backhander - Member

You need to go out, let your hair down. Wear your sluttiest outfit.
Get p1ssed up and grab a bloke or a chick or both, take them home and f***. Try anything you've not tried before, the full monty.

Posted 2 years ago #
mastiles_fanylion - Member

Like that would help!

Posted 2 years ago #
IanMunro - Member

I'd find it helpful

Posted 2 years ago #
zaskar - Inactive

Ride your bike more!

Posted 2 years ago #