Without going into the details I’m booked in for a sperm analysis tomorrow and feeling a little apprehensive!

Firstly about the actual process. Now this is normally something that comes (literally) naturally but the though of being in a clinic trying to aim in a pot isn’t a big turn on. Also not sure about supporting literature. Normally if I ever have to flush the pipes without my wife then I’m in a hotel room with a good internet connection. Am I going to have to resort to my imagination here!? And what technique should I aim for – slow and stead to get a good volume or fast and furious like my 18 year old self?

Secondly I’m nervous about the result. I really hope I’m not the cause of my wife’s stresses for the last x amount of months. Generally think I’m pretty healthy but could always do better.

Ask for Nurse Latex on the way in. She’ll sort you out.

ime literature is provided 😯 think 80s hedge gruff with the staples removed. Helps if you haven’t *cough* done so for a week or two to aid the speed in which the process is expidited but you can’t really plan if it’s tomorrow. Do the deed, hand your lil pot over and get the hell out of there. Good luck with the result. sure you’ll be fine.

Oh Jesus…brings back memories. 😆

Best of luck. And remember…everyone in the waiting room at the clinic will see you on your own and know you’re off into a room to have a jerk-off.

Don’t let it become a big deal because whatever the results are, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Father to IVF twins as my porridge didn’t cut the mustard.

the clinic is a bit strange as usually the NHS refer you to a private clinic specialising in helping people produce offspring, so the majority of the work that goes on in there is IVF. Consequently there’s loads of pics up of happy smiling couples with fat little babies. Not the best pre-cursor as to the deed you’re about to accomplish.

Huh. In Scotland, you just knock one out at home and drop it off at the hospital within half an hour.

Hmmm, I had to do the deed at home and drop it off within 15 mins IIRC. Might have been half an hour.

Either way, we lived too far away from the hospital to make the journey, so I had the pleasure of sowing my seed in the MIL’s house, which was freezing cold, with no supporting literature and only a 1.5″ screen on my phone (Nokia somethingorother) for adult based web entertainment.

Plus you’ve got to hit a target, in the throes of passion, which was awkward to hit being smaller than the tool being used to produce it (just sayin’).

And then drive to hospital with the tub between your legs trying not to crack it.

Great thing was, because it was a doctors appointment, I got paid to go to my MIL’s house and have a w@nk. Happy days – now I’m self employed I have to do that sort of thing in my own time 😆

Download some grot to a tablet or similar? Make the most of it – this may be the only time you can legitimately browse porn at home in front of the wife. If you’d like a recommendation, I currently favour Cece Capella.

Good luck though, OP….

This takes me back 27 years ago but did it in my own house and dropped it off within 30 mins, i do have two kids, think i got a fairly good count

Yep here in Wales anyway you have to produce at home. You drop it off at the sample desk – wearing dark glasses and a hat.

Take a funnel and ask for the wifi password.

What comedy programme was it where the main character had to do that? He didn’t have any porn so he had to use the pic of the Queen off of a £10 note??!!
A challenging w@nk!!!

🙂 thanks all.

For context its a private clinic, so done on site. NHS would have been a drop off. Maybe the extra cost will buy me higher quality grot! Fingers crossed for VHS if I’m lucky.

When I went the grot was in a drawer.
Private? There may be a fluffer. 😉
As above … They all know what you’re up to . Ha.
Best of luck.

Don’t make a big thing of it ( no offense 🙂 ) – that staff see it all day every day.
Currently going through ivf and have had to perform in variety of locations. From experience private mastabatoriums are better than NHS, last one even had wireless headphones and a shelf with selection of reading material 🙂

When I went, as the the nurse left, having shown me into the room, said “if you need any help, ring the bell”. To which I raised an eyebrow, she went very red.

Mine was on the NHS so I had a mad cross town dash from Didsbury to Crumpsall at the tail end of rush hour.The only parking left was miles from the clinic reception so I had to run and got there just within the timescale,red faced and sweating.Only to find an elderly couple in their 80s having a long drawn out conversation with the young female receptionist as I stood behind them trying to attract her attention. “Go on love,you look like you’re in a rush” the old dear said so I moved to the counter with my sample bottle in my hand expecting the couple to move away but they just stood there.”How can I help you ?” asked the receptionist.As I lifted up my hand she realised why I was there and asked them to sit down,much to my relief.
Mind you could have been worse.You do know how Les Dawson died don’t you?

You do know how Les Dawson died don’t you?

wikipedia says a heart attack, please elaborate?

I had mine tested about 15 years ago, thankfully it’s a clinical and professional setup in hospitals otherwise you maybe thinking, reading the other comments, that they’ve suddenly become seedy brothels.

In/out shake it all about, hand it to the nurse. Wipe your nose on the way out.