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1. druidh - Member

   This is a thread I've been thinking of for some time and Cinnamon_girls post has brought it to the fore again.

   My Dad passed away just over a year ago and my Mum last September. After the initial tears and stuff, my life has sort of settled down again. I'm Executor for both estates, so I'm going through that process too - and I'll will be selling their house once it's been cleared and re-decorated.

   Thing is, it seems I'm never far away from tears. I don't recall being like this earlier last year, although I guess that's because I was busy looking after my Mum. Now, I can almost feel them welling up constantly, although I've only really cried a couple of times. Other than that I seem to be getting on with things, although I do seem to be a bit more moody and short-tempered and I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for cycling.

   Now, much of this could just be down to the crappy winter and cold weather, but I'm wondering if this is all a common part of the grieving process and whether or not some formal grief counselling would be worthwhile.

   Posted 1 year ago #
2. couldashouldawoulda - Member

   OMG druidh - I've been typing up a post about men and CG's post. It really is crap.

   Edit - that;s the worst post ever, but I dont know where to start.

   Posted 1 year ago #
3. thebikechain - Member

   Well it can't do any harm.

   Want a cuddle on Monday before I go to hospital?

   Posted 1 year ago #
4. Surrounded By Zulus - Member

   In my experience it takes a long long time to come to terms with the death of a parent, and I'm not sure that you ever get over it.

   It could be that while you were looking after your mum you continued fighting your emotions and bottled them up, and now that you are perhaps not hiding them as much you are letting them go a bit more.

   I wish that I'd gone for grief counselling. You have nothing to lose by giving it a go.

   Posted 1 year ago #
5. couldashouldawoulda - Member

   Mark - wtf is wrong with you? You're invincible!

   Sorry I'm being a wimp here - my mums not well either. So someone tell me to mtfu

   Posted 1 year ago #
6. Surrounded By Zulus - Member

   This is no place to MTFU. MTFUing is not healthy.

   Posted 1 year ago #
7. couldashouldawoulda - Member

   I just want to add that in all my current crap - I've decided to be as charitable / help as many strangers as possible.

   Posted 1 year ago #
8. duntstick - Member

   At one time , communities were stronger, closer family ties , working in the same mill or dock and I believe, possibly better for it. People shared happy times and pain. Modern society isn't geared that way and we've become more insular thereby being left to deal with the hardtimes alone. Pubs ain't what they used to be.
   How the hell are we supposed to vent nowadays, popping down the winebar won't do it.
   Ah well just the thoughts of a slightly pissed up chap with his own demons sat at home twiddling with a computer..............

   Posted 1 year ago #
9. couldashouldawoulda - Member

   Anyways - my dad was a super compassionate guy. he had major faults. But he would help anyboby once.

   The current stuff about my mum -0 I've just deleted.

   Posted 1 year ago #
10. j_me - Member

    It's very, very common Druidh.
    Might be worht chatting to CRUSE. Good organisation and might be worthwhile to speak to them, just to see whether its for you or not.

    Posted 1 year ago #
11. mastiles_fanylion - Member

    I guess everyone does it their own way, but for me I would rather work my own way through grief than be 'counciled' by someone trained in such things.

    Posted 1 year ago #
12. project - Member

    druidh, like ive said a few times, my dad died 3 years ago,and every day i remember him, my mum died 17 years ago and i still have tears for her, thats life, have a good cry, talk to a councellor, or a total stranger like me or others on here,dont bottle things up, have a good cry, or go for a quiet walk somewhere lonely and have a good think, remember the good and bad times, remember the person your parents where.

    Whatever we do we cant bring them back, but we also cant destroy our memories of them,and thats what matters most.

    Cyber hug to you.

    Posted 1 year ago #
13. Shakey - Member

    druid - Yes, it is all part of the grieving process but everyone treats it differently. My brother passed away in 2008 on the day after my birthday and I was pretty much close to tears every day for about a year.

    The one consoling things is that time does heal - only thing is that I can't tell you how long this will be

    Posted 1 year ago #
14. Kit - Member

    My Gran died in November; I was pretty close to her. At the time the thought of her dying was, in the end, more upsetting than her eventual passing. At the time of her death I was swamped with Uni work which I think helped me focus and I didn't think about it for, maybe, a month or so. It was only then that I started grieving. I don't honestly know where I would start if my mum or dad passed away... But I've always found crying to be a great release - I'm famous for shedding a tear

    Personally, I'd say give it a go. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain. Take it easy dude.

    Posted 1 year ago #
15. Cletus - Member

    Druidh,

    I think that what you are feeling is normal and crying is better than bottling it up. When someone you love passes away you can get caught up in the processes around organising the funeral and dealing with the estate etc. This can almost serve as a shield against acknowledging and accepting your loss.

    I lost my Mother just over three years ago when she lost her battle with cancer. At first I was just numb then a while after that I was like you describe yourself at the moment. My anchor during this was my 18 month old daughter.

    I did not have any grief counselling but think it may have helped. The best cure however is time. I still miss my Mum and family events are always tinged with regret that she is not there to share them. I still cry ocassionally on birthdays etc. but my overwhelming feeling is a deep sense of gratitude and love for everything that she (and my father who died in 1989) did for me.

    Posted 1 year ago #
16. couldashouldawoulda - Member

    Druidh - I've just had the first big cry in years. If any one on here tells anyone I'll kill them!

    God - guys are bad with emotions! If Im anything to go by.

    Posted 1 year ago #
17. cinnamon_girl - Member

    druid - to lose two parents in such a short space of time is shattering so don't be hard on yourself.

    One thing I would like to bring up (and I say this as someone who was married to a Scot for a very long time), is that from what I have seen Scotsmen tend to keep their emotions very much under wraps and can struggle to open up. This is my observation and it's definitely not meant unkindly.

    Your duties as Executor is reinforcing the huge loss that you still feel. Emotional ties in their home, particularly if it is where you grew up.

    Yes, I know what the weather in Scotland is like but the West Coast was particularly wet! You have to be very determined to get out!

    I wouldn't worry about not wanting to ride. Sometimes it's good to have a break and don't you hillwalk too?

    As regards counselling, surely it's worth a try?

    Posted 1 year ago #
18. druidh - Member

    mastiles_fanylion - Member
    I guess everyone does it their own way, but for me I would rather work my own way through grief than be 'counciled' by someone trained in such things.

    That's been my thinking too. I'm aware that time will help, but never having lost anyone close before, it's all a bit new & strange. Neither am I expecting some soft of overnight "release", regardless of having counselling or not.

    Posted 1 year ago #
19. mastiles_fanylion - Member

    I found that time with my brothers and closest friends was best for me 2yrs and 20 days ago (my dad). One person suggested professional help at the time but the suggestion seemed absurd at the time so I didn't bother.

    Posted 1 year ago #
20. cynic-al - Member

    Nothing to lose by giving it a go Colin. Must be an incredibly hard time and from the little I have seen of you you seem to be bearing up well so don't be hard on yourself and let the feelings out. I crap myself a the thought of losng my mum.

    Posted 1 year ago #
21. trailertrash - Member

    Getting it more out in the open by posting one here is actually probably a good start. If you are ready to do that then you might well be closer to getting through it than you think. Not suggesting that this is a breakdown but the phrase "a breakdown is often a breakthrough" is true and perhaps substituting something less stigmatised for the word breakdown, such as "period of emotional instability" would help in accepting this truth. I say go for it mate. Let it all blow. You won't find support lacking in the nice people around you and you will get past this.

    As for counselling, well, it costs and the cheap ones are rarely any good and generally fall into the category of 'hand holding' (for which there is a time and place obviously). Personally I always say go for the most expensive one you can find, that will give you motivation to get the most out of the sessions. But hey, that's just my own perspective. I think parallels with physical complaints are useful in that if you poked your eye out you wouldn't want it fixing by a cheap general doctor. You'd want, and pay for, the best. Same difference with your head my friend.

    Everything will be alright

    Posted 1 year ago #
22. cinnamon_girl - Member

    Surely a good counsellor will ask probing questions that you yourself have perhaps shied away from? Looking at an issue from a different perspective?

    As you are obviously worried about your wellbeing, you are surely half-way to finding some answers?

    I wish you well.

    Posted 1 year ago #
23. Ho hum - Member

    I have not lost a parent yet, but been through some taxing psychiatric episodes and I have had counselling.

    In my experience counselling worked because I worked it the second time around. The first time I was led, the second time I was in control.

    You work for a big company don't you? They must have some sort of Employee Assistance Programme. Use that to cover the costs.

    On a more personal note though I do feel for you. I know this is something I will have to go through at some point in the future and it scares me. Things will get better

    Posted 1 year ago #
24. Drac - Moderator

    First of sorry for your loss. Then this is where people like philconsequence come in but I'll add my bit. You'll never truly adjust and it'll take years of acceptance to live with it. Seek some counselling if you think you need it, I foolishly try to deal with things. It's not the real answer and I always sort my staff counselling but never myself. Do it I went through a rough time with my father nearly loosing him. I still know hr's on borrowed time and basically await a phone call to say he's I'll again or worse.

    Seek the support you need or find a real good friend to cry to I used here and another forum us mates. It helped but wasn't the best solution I still get stressed and upset over it.

    Posted 1 year ago #
25. trailertrash - Member

    You work for a big company don't you? They must have some sort of Employee Assistance Programme. Use that to cover the costs.

    Ahem. I don't think getting guttered with Mark and Adam in the Tap and Barrel counts as employee assistance, excellent men though they both are, holders of drink, and fun to boot.

    Posted 1 year ago #
26. trailertrash - Member

    Try these people if you feel you would like to try something:

    Edinburgh Psychology Centre

    They helped me out loads this time last year

    Posted 1 year ago #
27. allthepies - Member

    My Dad died three weeks ago and I'm still coming to terms with that. I'm lucky in that my Mum is healthy and strong and I'm focusing on supporting her. It's a horrible experience to go through and people deal with it in different ways. I'm just thinking about the good times we shared and the great dad he was to me and my brother.

    Posted 1 year ago #
28. tankslapper - Member

    Cruse Bereavement
    Cruse Scotland

    Posted 1 year ago #
29. thebikechain - Member

    We start our Employee Assistance Programme on Monday.

    I'll call the Cask and let them know.

    In all seriousness pal, our thing we have planned with Bobath will do you the world of good and will help you in ways you won't think yet and we need to get those saddle bags dealt with for life adventures.

    Posted 1 year ago #
30. ernie_lynch - Member

    Thing is, it seems I'm never far away from tears. I don't recall being like this earlier last year

    As C_G says, you've lost both your parents in a short period of time - it's only to be expected of ffs. In fact I reckon it would be very would be strange if it wasn't seriously affecting you.

    Neither am I expecting some soft of overnight "release", regardless of having counselling or not.

    The more you bottle it up, the longer it will take for you to move on. Don't deny yourself the right to your own emotions. Missing someone, being devastated over loss, tearful, etc, are all normal emotions which a well balanced person will feel. Crying releases tension, and for that reason is very good for you. And I can't think of anything more natural than a man crying over the loss of his parents.

    Grieve now, or keep it bottled up with all its negative effects, until it can be kept bottled up no longer - with the trigger often being another tragedy, sometimes many years later.

    Talking to a qualified professional person will do you no harm, and will quite possibly help you to deal with a situation which you have no previous experience to fall back on. Losing your mother or father is a unique experience, trying to deal with one at a time is bad enough, you're having to deal with both.

    Posted 1 year ago #
31. mastiles_fanylion - Member

    I don't think that by not talking to a councillor you are necessarily bottling it up - just dealing with the pain in your own way. It is great that the service is there for those that want it, but it isn't right for everyone.

    Posted 1 year ago #
32. TandemJeremy - Member

    There is no such thing really as a "normal" reaction deaths of loved ones. We are all individuals and we all react in our own ways. However how you are reacting would be reasonably common and in no way unhealthy IMO. You never can predict how it will affect yo although there are often things in common.

    To lose both parents in a short span of time is painful and difficult. It will take considerable time to get over it.

    Its not just that you have lost your parents - you have lost some of you role and identity as well. You no longer have you mum to look after, you no longer have your parents to look up to( or however those relationships worked)

    you also have the unpleasant task of sorting out their stuff - this gives you constant reminders of your loss.

    Personally I think counselling is very beneficial and cruse are the experts in bereavement counselling. Remember there are different types of counselling that suit different people.

    I have some experience in this field Druidh - please feel free to use that - even to talk over your options.

    Use your friends - you real friends will be more than happy to help in whatever way they can. Don't be afraid to ask.

    I have to say I am dealing with the loss of a close friend at the moment as well - must be the season for it. The odd cry for me too.

    Have a virtual hug from me.

    Posted 1 year ago #
33. mrsflash - Member

    3rd recommendation for cruse, I know my dad found them very helpful.

    Posted 1 year ago #
34. don simon - Member

    Not sure if I can add anything more than has been said above, mainly because I have no experience of this type of thing.
    All I can say is good luck and remember you're amongst (cyber-internet-geeky-virtual) friends here.

    Posted 1 year ago #
35. gavtheoldskater - Member

    Thing is, it seems I'm never far away from tears

    you're not alone in that mate.

    my dad died about 3 years ago and my mum about 2 years before that. i still, frequently, have moments and do on occasion cry. a lot of the time its when the kids do something or achieve something and i wish my parents could see it and share in it as well.

    but i also have many happy moments thinking about them, and i love it when i'm doing something, mechanical or DIY'ish, and i realise i'm using a skill my dad taught me.

    also reading your post you are still having to deal with the house, thats going to be a major factor in you emotions. i had to clear and sell the house i grew up in on my own as i'm an only child so know its a horrible thing to have to do. really really hard work. but one day it will be done and you can move on.

    so although its a stock and maybe cliched answer... it WILL get easier.

    and please remember that your parents may be gone but they will never be far from you.

    Posted 1 year ago #

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