I cannot work out the correct grammar or change in phrasing for this. Please help me!

How will the school, community and partners translate a change in play provision into increased health and wellbeing, and increased achievement and attainment?

Looks OK to me? Maybe another comma after partners?

Probably a few too many “ands” and one too many “increased”.

So maybe, and I’m not thinking hard about this, but… “…into improved health & wellbeing combined with higher achievement and attainment.”

Or substitute the third “and” for “as well as”

I’d just lose the ‘and increased’ before ‘achievement’ so it reads:

How will the school, community and partners translate a change in play provision into increased health and wellbeing, achievement and attainment?

The first ‘increased’ is implied for the rest of the sentence, I think.

That’s how I would read it anyway.

Or substitute the third “and” for “as well as”

this

Plus an alternative for the second ‘increased’…..’enhanced’ or ‘improved’?

How will the school kicking the kids out as often as possible make them more better

… and into increased… maybe?

How will selling the school playing fields provide a kickback for governors and their friends?

health and wellbeing, and increased achievement and attainment?

health & wellbeing, and increased achievement & attainment?

(My understanding is that you use an ampersand to abridge two connected/associated words – ie, fish & chips, salt & vinegar).

How will the school kicking the kids out as often as possible make them more better

You asked. 😉

http://www.ltl.org.uk/resources/results.php?id=779

http://www.ltl.org.uk/resources/results.php?id=712

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImZhcNIL07s[/video]

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pot8EhKUdI[/video]

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1SkzHu3LoQ[/video]

Translate isn’t the right word. Also Attainment is superfluous.

How will the school, community and partners accept a change in play provision while improving health, wellbeing, and achievement?

Or:

How will a change in play provision affect the efforts of school, community and partners to improve health, wellbeing and achievement?

How will the school, community and partners translate a change in play provision into increased health, wellbeing and achievement?

How will better play provision translate into increased health, wellbeing and achievement?

I can cut further if you like 🙂

Will better play provision increase health and achievement ?

Cuts all the flannel out ?

Kind of tricky without knowing context and direction of the rest of the document, but how about:

How will an improvement in play provision lead to increased wellbeing and additionally, achievement?

or

How can we get the little tikes outdoors and doing better in examns ‘n’ stuff?

It’s better for being shorter.

more play = more pay

Less is more, unless you’re in middle management. Do you need to list all the parties or can you glean that from context? Health and well-being are more or less the same thing, as are achievement and attainment. No?

How about:

“How will we improve [pupil?] health and achievement by changing play provision?”

“Play provision” is clunky, but it’s hard to change without knowing what you mean (which demonstrates quite nicely that it’s gibberish). Are you reducing playtime? Increasing available options? Then say that.

I like stever’s version. Scans well:

How will the school, community and partners translate a change in play provision into increased health, wellbeing and achievement?

Leaves out “attainment” but I think that might be redundant depending on the context.

as are achievement and attainment. No?

You have not been around a game of OFSTED bullshit bingo!

Attainment is raw scores – GCSE results or Levels attained.
Achievement is attainment, adjusted for the prior attainment of the pupils (i.e. progress).

It’s COMPLETELY different I’m telling you, and not at all a bunch of bollox.

And breath….

How will the school, community and partners translate a change in play provision into increased health and well-being, achievement and attainment?

Cheers all, shorter(ish) and better for it.

For context, it is part of an application form for a secondary school to spend a shed load of Tax payers money on a great playground makeover, training and support from GfL.