Sort of a spiritual successor to the chat-up lines thread. Let’s see if we can keep it on the right side of the line.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard or said before, during or after?

Funniest one I heard of was a story told to me by a gay guy I used to work with. He was on holiday with his pal who spent the whole fortnight trying to pull this big Finnish guy. He was eventually successful and the two retired to a quiet spot, whereupon our hero presented himself for a BJ with the immortal line:

“Finnish this.”

Genuine LOL 😀

A work colleague turned up with horrific teeth marks and bruising where his shoulder met his neck.
On Saturday he met a girl and took her home, during sex she said bite me, he said what, she said bite me.

So he bite her gently, She said harder, so he bite her again a little harder.
At which point she said “no like his” and clamped her railings as hard as she could into his neck.

Poor boy had to go home as a plasterer who can’t lift his arm past his shoulder is no use nor ornament.

Another friend was having sex with a prostitute from behind and casualy swapped from the entrance to the exit, when the young lady without batting an eyelid said “that’s an extra £25”.

The same girl from Leamington, on the same night, in the aforementioned shower….

“What’s your favourite position?”

I was lost for words. In the interim, she had turned around (big shower!), bent over, and looking back up at me from between her knees, said, “This is mine…”

Had a housemate who used to shout ‘Geronimo!’. Surprisingly often, actually!

‘So do you all play for the same football team?’

(This may be the punchline of a joke)

‘You’re stirring me like a pot.’

Do you come here often?

This isn’t going to last long. A comment on the thread not an answer to the OP 🙂

Once had a girlfriend, after a night doing more than drinking, scream ‘GroundForce! Alan Titchmarsh!’ at the peak of activities

Shared an apartment with a couple of mates on holiday. Was awoken by the sound of one of them gently reassuring his somewhat embarrassed new friend over the sound of a rhythmic barrage of queefs.

I once said thank you to a young lady who had just given me a hand shandy.
It was a good ten minutes before she stopped laughing.

I never made that mistake again.

Hotsummers night in London. All windows open- 3am’ish when I was awoken by a girl saying ‘Im coming’ who then started shouting IM COMING..I-M C-O-M-I-N-G!!

Then silence…and a few blokes openly laughing from flats around including me. One shouted ‘encore’!!

” Is it in yet ”

Can you not think of anyone else either?

I do know a ‘lady’ whom, while going for it doggy style, upon being asked ‘is this ok?’ said, (in a brilliantly posh voice knowing her) “yes, very adaquet, but could you take it up a notch”. Unfortunately for her it was with a rather promiscuous jockey who let the rest of the racing world know in short order.
It was only embarrassing when I heard the story told in front of her dad!

I once sang busted – year 3000 whilst having sex to try and delay the inevitable… Made to a two minute wonder instead of the usual one.

“How was what for me?

whilst straddled on the toilet floor of a hostel by some bubbly australian chick….

“all the sailors say i’m tight”

..she wasn’t.

A ‘friend’ of mine said “Welcome to England” upon the conquest of his first foreigner. She took it in the spirit it was meant, apparently

..she wasn’t.

Or, you’re no sailor. 😀

da da da da da da ….. <spitfire style>

So, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre?

Fresh out of university and looking for a room to rent close to my new employers office, the older lady who’s add read “Room for rent to young gentleman” asked what I did, I replied “a geologist” she replied with “Ooooh, I’ve never had a geologist before”

That was followed by one of the most rampant sex filled six months ever.

She eventually wore me out!!!!

Oh and by older, she was late 40’s to early 50’s.

I used to have a habit of uncontrollable fits of giggles after certain moments. No idea why.

Rachel

I was a spectator for this one, as a young lad in a cheap hotel, I went to the bog in the middle of the night and the couple in the room beside the loo were being pretty noisy about it. So I was sat there, properly awkward teenagering it, kind of half mortified and half listening in with great interest, you know? When I heard “Some dirty bastard’s listening to us, I heard him go into the toilet”- and the rest of their activities were overlaid with a conversation about whether or not I was having a **** about it (*). She thought it was hot, and I’m pretty sure she turned up the volume for my benefit, he wanted to come and batter me 😆

(* Not at that exact point in time)

Northwind wins.

batter me

Not a good mental image.

Rachel it was not you, forget it.

he wanted to come and batter me

Could have phrased that better I think

We shared a student house with a couple who bought a kitten. It followed me into the bedroom when I took a cup of tea up as a preamble one Sunday morning, and by the time we were in full throes I had forgotten about the cat until it took a swipe at my sac and hooked a claw in. I leapt up in the air and had to ask the future Mrs Scape to remove the cat dangling from my scrotum.

Why are you squashing mummy?

So, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre?

And

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeelchairs”

I once presented myself to a lady expecting appreciation and she said ‘very nice but my ex was probably 12 inches’.

Gah.

very nice but my ex was probably 12 inches’

Any footage?

thegreatape – Member
Why are you squashing mummy?

She’s gone flat, I’m just pumping her up again.

very nice but my ex was probably 12 inches’

midget piano players again….

from across a campsite the quiet silence of a Sunday morning was broken by someone making barking noises from a tent in the corner. Needless to say out of a group of about 30 nobody said anything about it….

Me (slightly drunk ) “id like to kiss you “
Her ( ever so suddenly confused and shouty) “you’re gay???”
Me ( confused after conversation I thought we’d been having ) ” eerrrrr”

Benidorm 1995. Welsh girl asked me mid act if my parents were dead 😕

Personally, I let out a massive Alan Partridge “a-ha” at the vinegar strokes because my girlfriend said she hated Alan partridge

“I’ve never got anyone pregnant yet and you’re not going to be the first” whilst drunk on holiday to the woman who gave birth to my daughter born 9 months after this stupid outburst 😳

Alan Partridge – back of the net.