Hope this doesn’t offend anyone….. MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU HELLO AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL. PLEASE SELECT FROM THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS MENU. IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, PRESS 1 REPEATEDLY. IF YOU ARE C0-DEPENDENT, PLEASE ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS 2 FOR YOU. IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, PRESS 3,4,5, AND 6. IF YOU ARE PARANOID WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT, STAY ON THE LINE SO WE CAN TRACE THE CALL. IF YOU ARE DELUSIONAL, PRESS 7 AND YOUR CALL WILL BE FORWARDED TO THE MOTHER SHIP. IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPHRENIC, LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A LITTLE VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHICH NUMBER TO PRESS. IF YOU ARE DYSLEXIC PRESS 969696999696. IF YOU ARE BIPOLAR AND IN THE MANIC STAGE, PUSH ALL THE BUTTONS AS FAST AS YOU CAN. IF YOU ARE BIPOLAR AND IN THE DEPRESSIVE STAGE, PUSH THE BIG FAT 0 BUTTON VERY SLOWLY IF YOU CAN MANAGE IT. ASK FOR AN OPERATOR WITH MOOD SWINGS. IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, PRESS 9. IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, PRESS 9. IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, PRESS 9. IF YOU HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM, PLEASE HANG UP AS OUR OPERATORS ARE TOO BUSY TO TALK TO YOU. IF YOU ARE MENOPAUSAL, PUT THE GUN DOWN, HANG UP, TURN ON THE FAN, LIE DOWN AND CRY, YOU WON’T BE CRAZY FOREVER. IF YOU ARE BLONDE, DON’T PRESS ANY BUTTONS, YOU’LL JUST MESS IT UP.
