ADH’s guide to City driving
1. Don’t use you indicators. You’re local, you know where you’re going. If someone is using indicators, they not local and likely to veer wildly from lane to lane.
2. Wing/door mirrors. Push them in when parked, then leave them pushed in while driving – you don’t need to see behind you. If a helpful cyclist pulls them out for you while you’re stuck in traffic, push them in again and give him some verbal.
3. Lights. Ensure at least one headlight and one brake light is broken. If the functional headlamp can be an uprated lamp unit from a lighthouse and angled towards the heavens, so much the better. Remember, if the streetlights are on, leave your lights off, saves wear on the alternator.
4. Windows. Ensure these are misted up, or covered in peeling security film, stickers, badly placed sun screens etc. Be inventive.
5. Tyres. Bald, or near balding. Full marks if the sidewalls have been thoroughly kerbed.
6. Brakes. If the car dosn’t veer wildly to one side when you brake, your vehicle isn’t road worthy. Full marks are awarded to drivers who leave the handbrake on while driving, the pleasant scent of overheating brake pads will add to the driving experiance.
7. Sat nav placement. Leave on the windscreen, even if you know where you’re going, make sure it takes up as much of your view as possible, without it actually being placed slap bang in front of you. It should only ever be placed in the glove box when parked, to prevent it being stolen.
8. Oil/Water/Washer fluid. These should ONLY ever be checked by qualified personelle. Lifting the bonnet will invalidate the warrenty. You should only ever take your car to the garage if it is broken. Most modern cars need to be serviced once a millenium.
9. Road space. Congestion makes city driving a nightmare for everyone. Be considerate and keep as close as physically possible to the car in front.
10. Use of time. City driving average speeds are low. If you get bored, use your time effectively in these safe low speeds – why not eat a KFC bucket? Hold a telephone conference on your mobile, or shave for the office? Ipads perched on your lap make an ideal time to catch up on Sex in the City.
Points for how many of these I’ve seen.
Double points for correctly identifying those I see every day.