Feeling pretty down at the moment ...

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Feeling pretty down at the moment ...

118 posts & 66 voices | Started 5 months ago by Sue_W | Latest reply from epicyclo

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Sue_W - Member

... and struggling to keep it together.

In the middle of a particularly nasty grievance case at work for harassment. Can't really go into details (I do occassionally remember that this is a public forum!), but what happened was pretty bad. I'm finding it really tough having to still work with him as he's a very domineering, bullying type who has a very nasty viscious streak in him. It doesn't help that he is an ex-pyschologist, so knows exactly how to cause distress and harm, and knows enough to be aware of where I am vulnerable.

I knew that taking forward a grievance case was going to be unpleasant and stressful, and for a while considered just leaving my job for while (hence a previous discussion on moving to London for a secondment), but he has acted in a similar way to others over the years and no-one has been able to stand up to him. I am the same professional grade as him, and have always tried to have the courage to stand up to bullies, so decided to try and address this guy's behaviour before he does it to someone else.

But right now I am just struggling to cope with it all - trying to keep it to myself at work to protect the members of my team (who are all really good guys), dealing with discussions with the Chief Exec and Director, along with the head of HR, and trying to watch my back in case he does or says any more. And now they want me to write a statement of how it 'made me feel' being 'victimised'. I am not a 'victim', have always refused to be one, no matter what challenges life throws up. Bizarely, the thought of having to write this 'statement' has left me feeling particularly upset.

Chuck in having had flu for a week, struggling to get back on top of my workload, and not looking forward to Christmas, I just feel on a pretty downward spiral. Although on the whole I'm pretty OK about being on my own, there are times when I'd just like a supportive shoulder to lean on for a few moments to give me the strength to continue to deal with things. Don't want to off-load on friends - when I'm with them I'd rather be positive, or help them out with their problems. So sorry, STW, you've become my 'dear diary' vent (just not in a 'Bridget Jones' kinda way!) - probably cos I know very few of you in 'real life' so letting all this out seems less embarrassing.

So cheering up needed please - bad jokes, pithy wit, misogymithingies that make me laugh

Posted 5 months ago #
Jamie - Member

Posted 5 months ago #
mugsys_m8 - Member

Out of the gloom a voice said unto me
Smile and be happy things could be worse
So I smiled and was happy and behold
Things did get worse.

Sounds a bit of a nightmare at work. But sounds like you are being positive, realistic and proactive. What more can you do!

I'm trying to stay upbeat myself as I am stuck in a strange land, exposed to expats with a lack of cultural awareness and away from my family.

Some days are better than others, and sometime we just have to go through the motions.

Hope things get better. Got anything to look forward to?

Posted 5 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

nasty stuff with the grievance. Want some support / help with that feel free to email me. I am sure you know the drill. Write down and report everything and so on.

Joke? How do you get down off an elephant?
.
.
..
.You don't - you get down off a duck

Posted 5 months ago #
jimbobrighton - Member

tough times - I've been lucky in work not to have to deal with this before, but can relate to being down recently. email in profile if you want to vent.

Jimbo

Posted 5 months ago #
Gunz - Member

Why don't you see many elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it!!

Hope things straighten themselves out for you soon.

Posted 5 months ago #
lowey - Member

Had a shit year myself, but, when your going through hell Sue, just keep on going.

Its a job when all said and done. You have your health (cept the flu... bummer) and a lot a good mates on here as well as in RL. Hard at times like this but thats the perspective you need to hold onto.

Posted 5 months ago #
mangoridebike - Member

Sounds like a pretty crappy time Sue

You're doing the right thing in standing up for yourself. it will be worth the pain and frustration now when you get the result you are hoping for, and you will feel justifiably proud of yourself for having stood up to the bullying and getting it sorted out.

Well done for having the strength to start down this road, that strength will see you through it all too

Posted 5 months ago #
kimbers - Member

good work standing up to the guy, plenty of bullies get away with it too easily, not sure i have the balls to stand up to people when i should

whatever happens you are doing the right thing]
7

Posted 5 months ago #
don simon - Member

And now they want me to write a statement of how it 'made me feel' being 'victimised'. I am not a 'victim', have always refused to be one, no matter what challenges life throws up. Bizarely, the thought of having to write this 'statement' has left me feeling particularly upset.

Write it as you see it, be confident that you are in the right. Be strong and sleep soundly.

I'm crap at jokes, so will save you from any extra pain.

Posted 5 months ago #
althepal - Member

In time, all this will pass.
Focus on the good stuff.
Hope you get some resolution soon.

Posted 5 months ago #
yossarian - Member

Just remember why you have had to do this, its not your fault he's a ****.

By doing it you are stopping others, who are weaker than you, being horribly affected by this man and his ego.

The statement sounds like a tough assignment to write, but I bet you've faced harder challenges in your life, and I bet you came through them too.

Shoulders back, head up and crack on

q. What do you call an italian with a rubber toe?

a. Roberto

Posted 5 months ago #
jonah tonto - Member

i would suggest going outside - finding something beautiful to look at - something simple like a lone rose left in someones garden etc - and hold that image in your heart instead of this prick from work. everytime you feel the pinch of it all being too much pull the image of the beautiful thing forward in your mind

in 13 days is the midwinter solstice, from then on the day get longer and rather then dreading xmas we can all be looking forward to spring.

Posted 5 months ago #
LHS - Member

You are obviously going through a tough time and under the circumstances are handling it well. A bout of flu or tiredness always makes things feel a whole lot worse as well.

From a professional perspective you need to follow this through in the manner that you are, try as hard as you can to detach the emotional side of the events and focus on it as a project. Think about the end game and how proud so many people are going to be for standing up on this issue.

From a personal perspective concentrate on your wellbeing both physically and mentally. If that is strong and secure, your professional side will follow suit. For me, when things are tough or I just need to blow of some steam, I go for a long trail run with the dog and "take it to the mountain". Concentrate on that one thing that relaxs you and provides relief from tension and make time in your calendar to focus on it.

I will refrain from depressing you with how bad my jokes are!!

Posted 5 months ago #
joolsburger - Member

Dreadful people at work are always a nightmare however you seem to be taking the upper hand in this situation and your firm seem to be taking it seriously. If you're feeling blue right now I suppose all you can do is remind yourself that you're a better person than him and do things you enjoy to distract yourself. I find that having the time to think increases bad feelings. Maybe that's why the bike is a good thing, no time to dwell on anything but staying upright.

Posted 5 months ago #
scuzz - Member

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
We're all behind you.

Posted 5 months ago #
camo16 - Member

And now they want me to write a statement of how it 'made me feel' being 'victimised'. I am not a 'victim', have always refused to be one, no matter what challenges life throws up. Bizarely, the thought of having to write this 'statement' has left me feeling particularly upset.

Write the statement as YOU want to write it. Being harassed doesn't necessarily make you a 'victim', does it? I'd say 'victimised' is a pretty emotive word to be using. So avoid the word completely. Consider how exactly do you feel? Isolated? Undermined? Not respected? How has it impacted your workload and your interpersonal relationships? Corporate speak should do the trick IMO.

Try to write it when you're feeling calm... It doesn't have to be long. Make it short, pointed and fact-orientated.

Just my 2p worth...

Hope all goes well, Sue.

When it's over you'll feel way better and you have Christmas to take stock.

Oh...

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poker Face

(courtesy of my son, that one. Comedy gold)

Posted 5 months ago #
Papa_Lazarou - Member

Not surprised you feel a bit down, most people would in that situation.

1. Try and focus on positive thoughts

2. Imagine u are 10 years in the future looking back at this. It really doesn’t matter what this other guy thinks about you. Ignore him and if that doesn’t work, tell him to **** off. Really just say to him, “I don’t care what you think, just **** off and stop harassing me or I’ll just add this to the existing grievance against you”.

3. Keep a diary of everything he does but don’t get upset.

4. Best idea is to remove this guy from your life. Maybe get another job. When it comes down to it, it is the people that make or break jobs. If you do leave, make sure you make the reason clear.

5. If he’s done it to other people that you know, tell them you have brought a case against him, they may do similar or offer support.

Posted 5 months ago #
Junkyard - Member

Chin up and stay strong as you must know you are one of the few with the strengths of character to do the right thing and stand up to this bully
Union rep if you think want some imaprtial advice /help/support

My jokes would get me banned

Posted 5 months ago #
hillsplease - Member

Sue

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

Boom boom.

If you're in MAnc area and fancy a pedal drop us a mail. New trails are always cheery, especially if there's cake after. And a brew. Sounds dreadful but best of luck with it.

Paul

Posted 5 months ago #
clubber - Member

Sue - keep at it - you're really doing a good thing by challenging this person.

Knock KnockWhos there?
Bully!
Bully who?
Bully Jean is not my lover!

And on a more serious note

- What did the school bully get for his birthday?
- Beaten by his alcoholic father.

Maybe seeing this person for what he likely is will help you deal with it in a less emotional way which can reduce the stress of the situation. I know a couple of people for whom this has worked - rather than getting upset by the nastiness they were able to see it more as behaviour to feel pity towards the bully. (just to be clear, I'm not condoning the nasty behaviour, just suggesting a way of practically dealing with it)

Posted 5 months ago #
iDave - Member

An appropriate joke perhaps.....

- knock knock
- who's there
- control freak, now you say control freak who

On a more mature note, how we feel about a situation is usually how we feel about our opinion of the situation....

Posted 5 months ago #
binners - Member

Flu you say? Well just thank your lucky stars you're not man

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ

Chin up Sue!

Posted 5 months ago #
Elfinsafety - Member

Yeah but Sue, think about all the people here on this forum and even in Real Life, what think you're absolutely wonderful! Well I do anyway and as everybody knows, I'm always right so it must be true!

You have the genuine love and respect of many people, even though you're too humble and selfless to see this!

And you're always there for others, so why shoon't others be there for you? In fact it's their duty to show you the kindness you've shown them.

So don't worry about using others as a shoulder to lean on, you've earned it!

X

Posted 5 months ago #
joolsburger - Member

I am not a 'victim', have always refused to be one, no matter what challenges life throws up. Bizarely, the thought of having to write this 'statement' has left me feeling particularly upset.

There is your opening line right there.

Posted 5 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

scuzz - Member

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
We're all behind you.

[panto mode] he's behind you[/panto mode]

Posted 5 months ago #
slowoldgit - Member

Sue
In the past I've been a victim of one such, though he was not as good at it as your example. These people leave a trail of victims behind them. Thanks for what you're doing for yourself and the others around you.

Posted 5 months ago #
Cougar - Member

You think you've got it bad. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with sausagephobia. I fear the wurst.

Posted 5 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

Cougar

go collect your coat

Posted 5 months ago #
Mr Woppit - Member

Sounds to me like your strategy is correct. Just keep going with it, but on YOUR terms (I'm not a victim etc.)

"We hear the voice of the beast as it shouts at us and tries to frighten us and we know that the way is long,

but the end is near."

Posted 5 months ago #
ourmaninthenorth - Member

Carrying that sort of burden is s--t. Been there (not this context). You can hold it together.

It may ultimately end your work there, but sometimes doing what is right is that important. And you are doing what is right. Don't forget that.

We - and your colleagues - should be proud of you.

And we're all here to help and support. Lean on us.

Posted 5 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

Thank you guys (non-gender / sexuality specific reference before I get hoist on my own petard of misogymithingie )

You're all great - have made me laugh and cry at the same time. Thanks for the support, advice, pictures of cuddly mammels, and bad jokes

Do folks as nice as you lot actually exist in 'RL' - or are you all just a figment of the virtual world?

Right, time to 'gird my loins'* and get that bl**dy statement written.

*what does that actually mean???

Posted 5 months ago #
Mrs Toast - Member

Cougar

go collect your coat

You've pulled!

Right, time to 'gird my loins'* and get that bl**dy statement written.

*what does that actually mean???

Google image search, safe search off!

Posted 5 months ago #
jonah tonto - Member

shall i send some boys from the welsh mafia round to sort him out? they will make him an offer he cant understand

Posted 5 months ago #
yossarian - Member

I am not a 'victim', have always refused to be one, no matter what challenges life throws up. Bizarely, the thought of having to write this 'statement' has left me feeling particularly upset.

There is your opening line right there.

plus 1 for that

Posted 5 months ago #