Mrs Q went for her 20 week scan today. I accompanied, due to missing the first one and not wanting her to go alone…there was another reason to go as well. I was really hoping that seeing the baby would trigger off my paternal instinct and get me interested in it.

It hasn’t though. I’m still not really interested in the whole thing, which is terrible to say it, but I just don’t care. There were no emotions of joy or happiness or anything like that. I was more concerned about the double horticulture lesson I had after lunch.

It’s started to worry me now though, up to this point I had figured that when I went to the scan I would ‘get it’ and see what it was all about.

Do I cross my fingers and hope that when I hold it myself I am excited and get all paternal, or is there some sort of baby class I can go on that will make me feel like wanting to be a father.

Or is that just it? I’ve never wanted to be one. However I will do my best to raise it as best I can and hopefully learn along the way to be a father.

Any advice from the STW fathers?

Relax.

I felt much the same. I remember going to he parenting class and all these other fathers-to-be were going on about how excited they were. I was more worried about how much free time I was going to have left.

Completely different when the big day approaches and you finally hold him/her though.

God, you’re a bundle of laughs aren’t you 😉

I think a lot of fathers feel disconnected until Jnr’s actually “real” (I certainly did), so don’t think you’re odd.

Is this a planned pregnancy?

+1

I was more concerned with general hormone party in my wife TBH! It all works out in the big bang, and even then ‘they’ will be a little pink immobile blob a quite some time. Get your riding in, get the place ready, then kick back until the party begins. Oh, take tea and biscuits for the birth, you’ll be ignored, so you’ll need to hunter gather to maintain your own strength.

Hope all goes well, and all stay happy and healthy

Totally normal and will change when you hold them for the first time.

Get ready for lots of head f-cks, comes with the job

Oh yeah, forgot about that. I remember sitting at my desk, 1st day back and suddenly realising my role in life! Motivation changer or what!

You’ll enjoy that for sure!

You’re not alone. I didn’t feel anything really other than concern and care for my wife all the way through her pregnancy with ours.

Even after he was born I still didn’t bond with him for ages.

However, he’s now 19 months old and I won’t be apart from him. He’s fantastic and I love him to bits.

Don’t worry, the bond will come.

it’ll come. mine are 4 and 5. Being a dad is the best thing in the world, regardless of how hard it can be…

Christ, you sound like you and the missus should really have talked this through months ago.

A child is for life, not just for Easter (or whenever the due date is).

All I can say FME is that I felt somewhat detached throughout my OH’s pregnancy, and even felt less emotional than expected during labour/delivery. However, when the little man became “real” something changed. And since then I’ve been right into the fatherhood thing – although not “overdoing” it, if you know what I mean.

Little people really are quite amazing, and I’d be surprised if you didn’t find yourself changing.

Maybe my post in This thread will cheer you up.

When you see and hold your child for the first time in the flesh your whole world will be changed for ever.

For the better too…

You’ll be just fine.

To be honest I was like that (now 35 wks) and as its gone on I’m getting more interested. After getting pram delivered and nursery all done I’m a lot more interested and even quite excited.

Filling my time in with as much riding as possible.

Had a 35 wk scan to check placenta yesterday and got a spooky pic of a face which wakes you up to reality somewhat.

Another one for the meh during pregnancy (other than concern for Mrs North, who was v ill).

After birth (c-section) I had a lot of jobs to do, and got into the mecahnical side (nappies, etc.) quickly, but didn’t feel this rush of love still.

Then, one day, I realised just how ace Baby North is.

Quirrel you sound like you are about 15 and forgot to wear a condom

Should have gone to Specsavers…

dont worry mate, I’m still waiting for the bolt of lightening and mines 3 weeks old.

+1 bensales,
I felt exactly the same as you did on the run up to the birth (twins btw).
When little him/her arrives you’ll feel very different and more paternal!
Our 2 boys are 17 months now and I wouldn’t give them up for the world.
Just make sure you and your partner take turns having the baby, that way you and her get some free time away from nappies, feeding etc.
Riding keeps me sane through the (still!) sleepless nights.
Congrats!

It will….

With our first I would let my wife sleep and take the nipper out for a nice long walk in the pram.

You soon begin to realise that you have suddenly become responsible for a life. Nothing is more precious than that.

Then they get into bikes/lego/scalextric/cool stuff and you get to relive your childhood all over again! WIN!

I must admit that I found that I was excited by the pregnancy and the birth, but then my interest waned until they became a bit more interactive. They just don’t do much when they are very small apart from cry, feed, need changing and sleep.

This happened with all 3 of them.

Yeah! they are pretty much just jobby machines for a while… lol

If it’s any consolation I had similar feelings once little ‘un actually arrived and I’m the mum! Felt great through the pregnancy and bonded with the bump etc but didn’t get that supposed massive rush of love when baba arrived. It wasn’t PND and it freaked me right out until I found out it’s quite normal. IME it all works itself out, usually around the time you realise that this little thing is yours and actually it’s great. Often the feeling sneaks up on you and then you realise you’ve felt like it for ages…it’s nice 😉

Zedsdead – Member
Yeah! they are pretty much just jobby machines for a while… lol

How very true!

Luckily Mrs Ho hum was well into each baby when it arrived. I had a lot of jobs and things to do and kept busy, but I am really not interested in newborns.

“Jobby Machines” – brilliant 🙂

My eldest (18 months) had a stealth sh*t waiting for me at bedtime tonight. Nappy didn’t look like it had anything in it & no smell, took nappy off to change him and BINGO, massive stealth turd in there. Where’s the OP gone? Hope he’s ok 😕

What an easy life they have at that stage though, eh?

Feeding, crying, jobbying and sleeping! Can’t get much easier can it? 😉

well im the very proud father of a 15day old, its my 1st and i couldnt be happier

all though i was quite excited at 20 weeks anyway

not to worry though once the baby has been born you will change, infact you androgen and testosterone levels will decrease and oestrogen increase after birth (so combined with lack of riding watch out for them moobs!)
bbc4 had a programme on called biology of dads a few months ago explained a lot about it all and showed a very clear difference between new dads and random blokes with children

as for our bundle of joy all he does is cry, burp, crap, sleep and stare around around the room, funny thing is im proud of him when he does all that stuff cant wait till hes riding a bike!

Agree with most here, not a vast amount of interest during pregnancy. More concerned with how the Missus was. Likewise afterwards, I didn’t experience the stereotypical “rush of love” and bond immediately. It kind of snuck up on me after little-un got through the first few months of his life.

Very scary times if the truth be told. Wasn’t looking forward to spending my life as a father without having any kind of emotional attachment to my son. I recognised and accepted my responsibility, but didn’t feel anything for the little-un. Couldn’t really explain to the Missus why I didn’t feel like she did and worried about it all for a long time.

Fortunately, over time the bond and love developed. Nothing like the epithany mentioned above, more of the tide coming in and suddenly realising I was neck deep in seawater!

Don’t worry Quirrel it’ll all work out in the end, even if it doesn’t happen before the birth.

kimbers – he looks like you’ve p*ssed him off and is about to stick the nut on you! 🙂

Cute 🙂

Normal, much harder for the father to bond – even after birth. But you will! Don’t worry.
Just think how much more you’ll enjoy your rides when you can only get out once a month 😉

kimbers – he is a healthy looking chap without a doubt!

Kimbers, that’s very cool. Glad your happy to have a major accomplishment like a kid and that your giving the little one a proper home.

Farewell.

OP: don’t sweat it – it’ll come.

I was largely ambivalent* about our first (now just turned 5) for the first couple of weeks of her life (nice enough – but felt no great ‘connection’). Now I am the most pathetic gushing parent – to the point I sometimes begin to loathe myself for it

* Admittedly I do have general problem with all sorts of relationships.

There is no sudden rush of love – its just more marketing BS that society tells you you ought to feel. Fact is, until they start to interact with you, it feels like a massive chore, largely because it is. This is a fairly well documented phenomenon for fathers. You can’t expect to feel much really, since you’ve suddenly been handed the responsibility of a pink squawking thing and neither of you have had time to build a relationship.

IME with kids (I have two) you get back what you put in. I’ve done about 20 months as primary carer for my lad since he was just under three,(and my daughter from 4) and its been the best.

Having kids is the single hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Scienceofficer – Member
There is no sudden rush of love – its just more marketing BS that society tells you you ought to feel. Fact is, until they start to interact with you, it feels like a massive chore, largely because it is.

That may have been your experience. It certainly wasn’t mine.

peyote +1 – personally there was no sudden love attack, but they do grow on you 🙂 Don’t worry about it, it’s a perfectly normal reaction.

Flick through this

igm – Member
Flick through this

Very cool.

Past the newborn stage though.

I just don’t “get” newborns, thankfully my wife did.

Quirrel, i know where you are coming from. With our first i was exactly the same. When the baby arrived things changed though. It isn’t an instant whack of love though. I felt really paternal, but the love thing comes as they grow and interact. She is now 21 months and i love her more every day (sounds naff i know).

My second is now a whole two days old and the feelings are totally different as i know all the fun and happy days that are to come! 🙂

Pregnancy is a strange thing though. The first was a breeze, but with the second, my wifes hormones went mental. I’ve spent the past nine months looking for excuses to go out on bike/spend time in the garage/go to work….!

All the best though, it will come together at some point and you are in for a blast.

Yeah not for newborns – but just think how much fun you have to look forward to.

And you can spend even more cash on bike bits.

Quirrel – Member
…I was really hoping that seeing the baby would trigger off my paternal instinct…

Don’t worry mate, they’re not human until they can throw a leg over their bike. Then after 12 years, you can go back to being uninterested, because so are they…