As above really, can anyone give me any idea what to expect?

done mediation with the ex wife – it did not work for me personally as she would not move on any issue and then accused the mediator of siding with me- she was just unreasonable on every issue.
That said its quicker, cheaper and easier than the courts – which is where I ended up

Remember two things

1. You love your kid fighting for access is part of the way you show your love and you will get access but it will take time.

2. It will always get better than this . 10 years after a very bitter experience me and her are almost civil and off to do something today as a “family” with the kids

Best of luck its really shit and was a horrible time for me
Man Hugs but this is the worst part by a long way

I had to skip the whole thing and go straight to court as my ex is completely unreasonable and as above just says everyone is biased and against her rather than realising I am just doing more than her to prove i should have them.

I’m 8months into it with at least another 3 to go… It will be tough but it will be worth it, just focus on what you can do for your kids not your ex.

Email is in my profile if you want to talk about it

Bad bad memories. And it was many years ago now.

Stay cool, stay calm and never give up. I ended up with one son (the youngest) that I’m very very close to and the other who hasn’t talked to me in years.

Edit. We started with mediation with a Court appointed guy, who was very good. Wife wouldn’t agree to anything, despite the guy telling her “that’s not going to happen”.

Then went to court, after many delays (which was her plan all along) and the judge took 5 mins to tell her she was out of order, to tell her solicitor that he hadn’t done his job properly and to award me reasonable access to my boys. Lots of time wasted and damage done by then though.

Thanks for the positive vibes…
At moment I have daughter 2 weekends a fortnight and things were “relatively” amicable, ie could text and ask how she was etc.
Deteriorated recently tho, planned holidays cancelled or time with me ignored/cancelled as “she doesn’t want to see you she just wants mummy”. Ex has changed her phone number etc so that I have no means of contacting them other than through her elderly parents. Nurseys changed without any consultation or input from me etc etc.
Came to a head yesterday with daughter crying behind a door to see me whilst ex refused and said she didn’t want to….
Realistically I don’t imagine I can expect much, mediation is her idea, I think with the plan that someone impartial will tell me that 4 days a month is more than I’m legally entitled to and to stop asking for more or how daughter is.
Daughter enjoys time with me, and has never expressed a wish to visit less , or not to me at least.
Bit of a rubbish time for all 3 of us at moment, just hoping that we can end up with a situation where daughter is happy and feels equally loved and looked after by both parents and that we both feel we are important in making decisions and her life I guess.
Sorry for the rant x

(relating to denied access):

“you have lied to this court; you are damaging your children and my only recourse is to send you to jail
… but I don’t want to do that, so how often would you let the father see his children”

not verbatim as I wasn’t there but I believe it. Quite a few years ago though

It’s a long game (that I’ve not played) and the dice appear to be loaded, though maybe less so these days

Best of luck OP

4 days a month bollocks.

Every second weekend – Friday eve to Sunday eve.

A late afternoon / evening in the week, when your not having her that weekend (depending on age and school) eg pick up from school and tea at yours before returning home. So that she doesn’t have to go 12 days between seeing you.

Christmas Eve and Christmas morning one year, Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day the next. Alternating. If “she has so many more family members to fit in than you” that’s her problem not yours. Heard it all before. Dismiss it.

Full access to her school open evenings, nursery school teachers etc etc. schools are geared up for this so no reason they won’t comply. I had to give the school a handful of stamped addressed envelopes so that I got copies of every school letter that went out because she couldn’t be trusted to pass stuff on. Likewise, the school will comply because they’ve heard it all before. ( is it all email nowadays?)

Whatever you do, do let anyone ever tell you that you seeing her is “hurting her” or distressing her. It isn’t. Her mothers reaction to you seeing her is what might be messing her up – but not you.

Good luck.

edited for Ipad idiocy.

I can really sympathise I was very close to probably ending up with the same situation but my ex had “well documented” issues shall we say. I’m still battling with the court but they have been with me for 7+ months now so don’t think that they always side with the mother.

As above its your exes reactions and emotions around you that will be effecting them, they transfer their feelings onto the kid causing the damage and then blame everyone else.

Just keep calm and reasonable when she isn’t being either and she will get found out eventually

alternate weekends and one evening per week is the default

it can be more often but for shorter periods when younger – I eventually got better than that but mainly from the kids refusing here ideas.

Half the school holidays as well
DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE THING- every attempt her reaction etc – the goal its to convince a court you tried
i recommend [ from experience] recording every call/contact talk with time stamps and GPS Data and video record you knocking on the door and the child crying to see you etc
USE TEXT
Get her solicitor and use them for correspondence – she has to have one – serve papers ASAP

Courts know the difference between a crap dad and a shitty mum you will get access DONT GIVE UP

My best mate really went through the mill with it, if it does go to court it looks better if you’ve attempted mediation, but it takes time and is disruptive.

Echoing the above, my mates ex wife just used the whole process as a delay tactic and was difficult at every opportunity, being completely inflexible with visitation times was a classic as he worked shifts. Often she’d also say his son wasn’t feeling well so he couldn’t see him.

It eventually went to court any way as he was getting nowhere.
Lots of time money and heartache wasted.

Wish I could say something more positive but if the missus decides to make things difficult, things will be very difficult.

Edit, as junkyard said, document all communications and encounters, and keep it all organised in cronalogical order, I can’t emphasise how important that is.

Thanks all, already feeling a bit less hopeless.

Almost all of our communication for past couple of years has been by text, all of which I have saved, eg the offer to have her for the holidays and then the numerous denials that it was agreed, unanswered texts asking when and where I am collecting her for my weekend.

As we never married her default is “parental responsibility doesn’t give you and rights to see her at all or have her over night, I’m being generous, I could have moved and not told you where we were”.. I’m praying a court won’t see it the clear cut if that’s where we end up?…. pretty frightening thought none the less.

All fairly bonkers considering a year ago I was visiting a couple of times a week for bath time/ story time etc and whilst not good it was a lot better than this!

It’s frustrating because when I have her I’ll send pics to show she’s happy and described what we’ve been up to so ex isn’t missing out…

Again, sorry for the venting ha ha.

Junkyard nails it all. But to reiterate; it does get better and remember why you are there. One point; being married doesn’t matter a jot.

By the virtue that you are her biological father you have both parental rights and responsibilities. Only a court can remove your rights. Legally at least.

Hang in there dude, it’s going to be bumpy, but as long as you remain calm and reasonable, things should work out.

You have very few rights. The rights belong to your daughter. She has a right to a good relationship with both parents.

“The system” isn’t perfect, but if your ex is interfering with that right then mediators and courts aren’t likely to look well upon her.

She is probably convinced that she is right. She is mum and she knows best. So she is convinced that a mediator will tell you exactly what she wants you to hear. Someone is in for a shock (and I doubt it will be you). Take her up on mediation, then push towards court when she pulls out.

Things were so bad in my case that my boys learned not to tell her that they had a good weekend with me for fear of the inevitable spiteful behavior.

Never underestimate the ability of people to behave very badly.

Lots of good information here as well as a forum

seperated dads forum

Parental Alienation
It’s worth keeping at it – I went to mediation and got nowhere including being told that I could have shared parental responsibility but not see them equal time.
As per the behaviours in the link above my ex proceeded to convince my youngest son that he didn’t want to see me (for 8 weeks) despite me not being ‘allowed’ to discuss this with him without her being there to ‘support’ him.
My ex then applied to the family court to seal the no access deal, only to be told by CAFASS that I would be reconnected with my son immediately. I then pressed for equal time (Friday to Friday in my case, week on week off) and equal holiday time and my ex agreed out of court hours before the final hearing, before having to attempt to justify that I was ‘mentally unstable’, despite evidence to the contrary (running a business, keeping her financially for over 6 years etc.).
It’s been the best thing ever – I now have some real quality time with the kids and now under the protection of an access order. My ex continues to play games around the edges of this and I have recently decided to stay away from any further voluntary access by agreement between us as these have been abused (IMHO). As above I am beginning to keep records of this as her take on her actions bears no resemblance to reality.
I posted the link above as if you can understand the behaviours you can do more to understand and ‘combat’ it (and maybe check you are not doing the same as I was beginning to do as a reaction).
Keep at it and try hard to stay there for your kids. I think the courts are seeing equal time as the true benefit it is to your kids. i think it will form the basis of a better, more child focussed relationship with your ex too (if you can ever get to this more positive place with them). Good luck – it’s hard but it can get better. There are no winners or losers – just be there as much as you can for your kids whatever the outcome.

I could have shared parental responsibility

YOu have this anyway and on;y a court can remove it assuming you are named on the birth certificate

CAFCAS and others are nothing to be scared of they see there fair share of shitty mums and terrible fathers so are very good at seeing the truth

YOu have this anyway and only a court can remove it assuming you are named on the birth certificate

CAFCAS and others are nothing to be scared of they see there fair share of shitty mums and terrible fathers so are very good at seeing the truth

I simply didn’t understand this at the time and went into mediation thinking the process was going to help. The mediator was pretty poor IHO (in hindsight) and I eventually simply left the process. The courts gave my kids (and me) a far better solution despite my ex’s best efforts to malign me at every opportunity. I think you’re right, CAFCASS and the courts are not to be feared if you are struggling to maintain any access at all (based on my limited experience).