I didn't learn to drive till I was around 23, living in a small town in Gloucestershire. My driving instructor was pretty old school, not some BSM or AA driving school clone and had lived there all his life. From what I heard when learning from others, he'd taught most people in the town to drive.

Clive used to have lots of little sayings that he'd use when we were on our lessons and I wish I'd written them all down but there are two that I still remember every time I execute certain manoeuvres.

He used to think of a roundabout as a jam tart (stay with me here) and if I was going left or "straight over" he would remind me to stay on the pastry and not to stray into the jam. I was only to drive directly into the jam if I was going right and to drift back out onto the pastry after the exit before mine. Even now, if I inadvertently take the "shortest" route across the roundabout, mrs deadly might jokingly remind me that I didn't "stay on the pastry".

The second was when turning right into another road, I had to imagine a brick wall built on the centre line of the road into which I was turning, finishing at the junction. The idea being, if there was a wall there, I'd never stray into the "wrong" lane as I making the turn. Even now, when I'm making a right, I'll still sometimes say to myself "right, imagine there's a brick wall…".

Anyone else got any?

Brake! Brake harder! Harder!!!

When i took my test in Norn Irn, the eye test was to read a number plate at 40ish yards. The plate which was always used belonged to the car of the security guy at the test centre. Everyone knew this, and learned it before they arrived at the test centre, 25 years later I still remember CIL 353

😆 @ andrewh

Our local driving instructoress was a riot. It was a dual control car, and apart from the first lesson where you're being taught to pull away she'd never actually used the dual controls to override me.

One day she asks me to pull over next to a young lady eating jelly beans (who turned out to be her daughter). She reaches out, snatches the sweets and "go! go! go!' we speed away (within the parameters of a driving lesson) further up the street as I overtook a milkfloat the pedals seem to disappear from under my feet. She'd overridden me so that we could stay parallel to the float. She was trying to flick jellybeans into the empty bottles.

She was very very good though, everybody she taught passed first time. But the only sage advice i remember was

"do as I say, not as I do"

as she took the wheel at the end of a lesson realising we were the wrong side of town and late for the next lesson. The following minutes were very alarming. You know when you're a passenger and you find yourself trying to brake with an imaginary peddle, very strange sensation when there is actually a pedal there.

This should be good.

Red light, think green.. Meaning that you should be prepared to go a wee while before it turns to green, that way it doesnt come as a surprise when the lights change and the outside world doesn't think you are finishing your crossword, fag, coffee and reading the written invite.

Brake sooner,slow down and STOP watching the wipers.

Just before my test, we stopped at a pub for a drink. He was buying and asked me what I wanted. "A coke please" was my obvious answer, after all I was a) only 17 and b) about to take my driving test.
So, he then said "really, don't you want something a bit stronger". So I had half a pint before my test!

i did pass plus to get the no claims discount (48% at the time)

while driving down the M6, old man on a mobility scooter stopped on a bridge, my instructor shouted at me "IS GRANDAD GONNA BRICK US"

On advising me about reversing back into a space "dont be a c**t take the shunt"
So when i reversed in at the wrong angle at the end of my test those words ringing in my ears i stayed calm pulled forward and straightened it up.

Teaching me not to leave my left hand on the gear lever by smacking her hand down against mine when I left it on the gear knob. Nearly broke my fugging hand.

Glad I passed first time and never had to get back in a car with the psychotic b1tch!

I wonder if the newer type of instructor is as eccentric as the older type.

Coming from my female driving instructor:

"change gear like a man for **** sake, none of this "gently guide it" crap"

this came after I changed instructors. first instructor was a bloke who insisted that I was exceedingly gentle with the gearstick and the best way to change gear was a series of gentle taps using just two fingers.

We aren't here to discuss the weather…now carry on with your test!

Not to me but to a mate at work, "your holding that wheel like a nun holding a navvies prick"

After bowel loosening episode on a roundabout

Instructor Question ; 'What are you?
Me Answer ; Err, a **nt?
Instructor; 'No. That would be more attractive and useful.'

Kind guiding words from Instructor Steve in his Micra, Bedford, November 1987. He did have a point.

"I am sorry I am so late for your lesson [45 mins], would you like to come and see my geese as we don't have time to fit the lesson in now?"

It was not an attempt to pull, he really did have geese he was very proud of. We parted company not long after, because he told me off for stopping 'too fast' on an emergency stop! It was the final straw.

Bike instructor in my headset:

"Those girls are looking at us, lets go back and talk to them."

Sound advice I've tried to stick to as much as possible.

you've not seen any girlfriends this week? F@cking hell Jon the spunk will be filling up in you like rice pudding

look at the f#nny on that, shes only 17!

the wife made me a cup of tea then went out to the shop just as the sexy neighbour started sunbathing, she came back half an hour later and asked why the cup of tea was up the wall halfway up the stairs, I'd completely forgot that I'd tripped as I ran up to the window I can see her from!"

Terry my hilarious Ex- RAF driving instructor, 55 years +, a likeable pervert that used to vicariously enjoy his teenage students fumblings!!

My instructor was an ex bar owner called Willie Cumming. He was a great Guy and instructor, but I always did chuckle at the name 🙂

My instructor used to asked me questions to ensure that I was paying attention to the traffic and using the mirrors – 'what colour car did we just pass?', 'how far behind is the car following us?' obviously without rechecking the mirrors.

As I got better he moved onto the ladies – 'What colour skirt was the girl we just passed wearing?', 'How old…?', 'Score out of 10?' Lessons were fun….

"stop changing gears like a rally driver"

my only prior experience of driving was arcade games 😳

I'll never ever forget the look Clive gave me when I missed an instruction and went to turn the wrong way up a one way street. He said absolutely nothing but it was that look on his face – a real "you've let me down big-style Mr. Darcy" – took me weeks to get over it 😳

-mine, "remember i'm only here to get you through your test – after that if you want to drive like a **** that is upto you.." lol

after stalling repeatedly on a viscious hill start on a rainy day…

"Go on give it some gas man!"….i gave it GAS…copious wheelspinning and a proud amount of tyre smoke later….gets on his phone "hi there, can i book in for some new tyres please…"

lol good times. also…

upon stalling at a savage roundabout known as penn inn and blocking off a fair few people during rush hour including one charming lady who not surprisingly hurled some abuse my way, instructor leans out of the window..
"I can teach this git to drive, but no one will be able to teach you not to be a ****t!"

loved every minute of learning to drive!

my driving instructer was also one from the "old school" of motoring.He used to fall asleep during the lesson and i'd drive around for an hour "on my own".When he was awake he would smoke like a trooper with the windows up.When the lesson finished i would fall out of the car off my head on nicotin.He would talk to people like they were a piece of crap aswell.Once remember one of my mates used to leave his hand on the gearstick all the time."WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH IT.W@NKING IT".The instructer said."Theres only one w@nker in this car" came his reply 😆

Bike instructor over the intercom somewhere behind Pompey. "As you can see this bit of road is pretty straight and there are no side roads, if you can't see any police there aren't any there. Do with this information what you will" Both I and the girl I was learning with opened the taps. He then proceeded to come past us like we were stood still.

Doing a three point turn in a dark street one night,i managed to reverse into the lampost that was lighting the road and the bulb and cover fell onto the car,my instructor just said drive out of here fast.

When we where at College we persuaded a lad that as the Examiner got into the car he should reach over and pull on the door handle to ensure the door was closed.He forgot until he was driveing down the road,and reached out and pulled at the door handle.

He failed instantly as the instructor said he had an unsafe vehicle.

While learning for my HGV test. We where driving on a A road with a truck coming towards us. My instructor sits there and says, you know when I see another truck coming towards us I would think about slowing down so why the **** don't you!! Good times.

jcnm – i have used lines like that in the past also.

"You do know that hitting a truck would hurt dont you?"

Great advice from my old instructor, even more pertinent for commuters and cyclist these days:

50% of motorists don't know what they're doing and the other 50% just don't care.

Ride safe all.

I cant remember any golden nuggets from my driving intructor just the car a MK1 Austin Allegro!
Since then I have done my advanced driving and the best advice that I always now remember is slow in the slow bits fast in the fast and always have that 10% margin for error or the unexpected.

All secondary schools have PE on Weds afternoons for the older kids.
Especially Monmouth Comp girls. "NOw lest park up just out the test centre shall we and watch" 😆

All I remember is his name – Andy Pratt

Triple C: Crumpet Causes Collisions

Golf Lima Foxtrot: Go Like F*ck

BOB TOM and LOLA: Boy on a bike, Twit on a motorbike, Little old lady

Is it Norman? (one pulls out from a junction another will follow – unless it's Norman No-mates)

Everyday is dustbin day somewhere / Bins are out dustmans about

Fresh or frozen (horse sh!t in the road)

More paint on the road = more danger

Brakes are for slowing gears are for going (or brake to slow, change gear and go)

Plan to stop, look to go (at roundabouts and open junctions)

Any fool can drive fast enought to be dangerous

Courtesy costs nothing and pays well

The most dangerous component in any car is the nut behind the wheel

Doing the residential streets bit during my test we turned down the usual test route and discovered a huge removal lorry that had managed to get himself thoroughly wedged across a T-junction.

We sat there for a bit. It became apparent he was going no where fast, but likewise there was no real "legal" way past him.

The tester said "Right, I'll just shut my eyes for a minute while you get around him!"

Bump up onto the kerb, squeeze around him, bump back down: "Okay you can open them now."

"Well done."

😀

Gas! Gas! Gas!

On the lesson before my 1st test I went through an amber light. 'Well done, you've just failed your test' my instructor commented. In my first test I went through an amber light and failed my test. Sometimes lessons are learned the hard way…

I used to have my lessons straight after school.

One day we had Mr Boy Racer from my year tailgating us down the road in his Nova. We got to the by-pass, instructor was rather proud of his new and rather nippy 1.9JTD Punto, so told me to give it good thrashing up the hill. We left Nova boy for dead and he was out of site within 500 metres despite his wheelspinning start from behind us 🙂

(several years later I still used to see him driving that Nova, he always leant right into the centre of the car whilst driving like he was playing a computer game)

As I'm thrashing the arse off the instuctors mini, he comes up with 'we've got more gears, we've got 4 gears' still remember that one.

I had a habit of looking down for the gear stick before changing, he used to say 'do you look down at the girls before you stick your hand in their knickers?'

Ah, happy times, learning to drive in a mini when you're 6 foot 4, I could shift from 3rd to 4th with my knee.