My son’s 18 months old and living (with me and his Mum) in Thailand.

My wife’s a teacher and he attends the school from 8am – 12 noon and seems to love it. Some mornings he waves goodbye and goes off to play. Others there’s a minute or so of tears but nothing much and he’s always happily engrossed in playing when I arrive to collect him. I assume everything’s going okay at school. He’s always been sociable and confident.

We lived in The Philippines until a couple of months ago and his nanny there was wonderful. Patrick was born with congenital heart disease and she was more like a 3rd granny than an employee. She looked after him from 8 – 4:00 / 5:00 five days a week, doing everything a regular baby needs plus all the extra heart related stuff. He was as happy spending as day with her as he was with us!

His new nanny in Thailand is lovely but, for some reason, Patrick doesn’t seem particularly fond of her and she, however nice she is, doesn’t seem like such a natural with him; she certainly tries though…

We’ve employed his new nanny for about 3 weeks. He often cries when he sees her either after a nap or when she arrives in the morning. He’s often just generally grumpy with her. Usually saying “park” is enough to get him clapping and getting his shoes but if she says it, he cries. He usually warms up to her. He usually takes less time to warm up to people though (he waves and shouts ‘hi’ at strangers)! People comment on what a friendly and good-natured boy he is. Always in a good mood and having fun. The crying could be because of all of the upheaval – since July he’s had 2 weeks in Ireland, 2 weeks in Devon, 2 weeks in the School Boarding House and now 3 weeks in our new house. He got used to having his grandparents and Mammy around all the time and now had 1/2 a day at school and 1/2 a day with his nanny. I work from home but am often out with clients. I usually get to take him to school and collect him and see his interaction with his nanny though.

So, do we have unrealistic expectations of the bond that can develop and the time it takes? We were incredibly lucky last time so should we accept that finding two amazing nannies is less likely? If someone isn’t a natural, can it come? The longer this lady works for us, the harder it’ll be (morally etc, not legally) to let her go. How long should we give it? I fired a maid a few years ago for stealing and it was easy. I’d hate to fire someone as “my son doesn’t seem to like you very much”!

What would Jesus STW do?

bit of a long winded post I know.

Id say its the disrupted routine, give him time to settle down and he’ll be fine

I think Kimbers has it. Sounds like the other nanny was there from such an early age, the bond was very strong. He’ll get there, it may take another few weeks though

…or when he’s alone with the nanny, she’s not trying as hard as when you are around?

As tinybits says, I think you’re seeing the efffects of the previous bond being broken and a new one being formed. Hopefully, things will settle soon if you all persevere.

/armchairchildpsychology

Thanks everyone.

He’s our first so everything’s new.

Hopefully it is just a new routine, new people, new surroundings etc. I’ve listened in on them (okay spied) and she does put the effort in. Like I said, she doesn’t seem to be as natural but she has big boots to fill and a big bond. Nanny #1 met him when he was 3 days old and maternity leave ended after 45 days. Unfortunately, he spent more time with her some weeks than with us.

Crossed fingers for everything settling down.

How long would you give it though? Up to 3 months (another 9 weeks?)

Thanks for the replies

Go with your gut instinct (especially if your gut is telling you to sack her and get a young Swedish au-pair in instead….)

Upheaval +1. My Laal fella (14 month) loses alot of his routine after a weekend in Cumbria!
I’d give them another 3 to 4 weeks and if he doesn’t improve then consider other arrangements.I too would have done the spying thing tbh.
best of luck.

For an informed STW appraisal, we need pictures of the nanny.

My wife had a nanny when she was young. The nanny used to pinch and nip her and also shout at her, but sweet as pie in front of the parents.

Jai yen yen,if you are feeling like this now explain to the nanny your feelings -she will say mai pen rai – no problem find a new nanny . Your son needs to bond ,the ladies feelings will not be hurt as long as you act now and explain the bond thing to help her to save face ?

Write a letter with the specification of nanny your kid would most want, put it on a fire and let it go up the chimney. Look out for singing women with umbrellas turning up on your doorstep.

It’s nanny rules;

“When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It’s rather sad, really, but there it is.” 😉

It sounds like your son is just a bit unsure of her at the moment, it’s a big change even for so a young one, so I would be tempted to roll with it for a few more weeks at least, maybe being more vigilant when you can?

There doesn’t have to be anything specifically wrong for a child and nanny not to get along though. The one time we had to let the nanny know it wasn’t working she was fine about it and recommended someone else who was fantastic.

Well my son of 17 months is as grumpy as hell with all poeple except nice looking women, typically pretty blondes (i’ve not taught him this). I think boys are just odd and it takes them ages to get used to anything, and even then they will only do it under there terms (and timeline).

lots of upheaval including new Nanny who he sees replacing his fixed points of security not surprising that he is finding it hard. I would give it a couple of weeks .We took Crankbrat (24 months)on holiday with friends for the bulk of the week he could not bare to be parted from his mum not even with me but once he settled down all was good and as soon as we were home he was back to normal .Give it time he and she will adapt.

Default position if it does not work out his happiness outweighs any sense of obligation and she should be professional and realise why you have to try a new nanny. At which point he will cry and profess devotion to the one you have let go.

The crying could be because of all of the upheaval – since July he’s had 2 weeks in Ireland, 2 weeks in Devon, 2 weeks in the School Boarding House and now 3 weeks in our new house. He got used to having his grandparents and Mammy around all the time and now had 1/2 a day at school and 1/2 a day with his nanny.

I think there is your answer.

Are you sure Nanny is not a Manny – maybe the kid has better spidey senses than you and is just confused you hadn’t noticed yet?

Can’t believe it has taken this long for someone to ask really 😉

I have nothing more helpful to add on either children or nannies, just thought someone ought to ask.

Thanks for the replies. I think we’ll give it a little longer. Maybe another 5 weeks – making it a two month ‘trial’.

It doesn’t really make a difference but the new nanny’s Filipino. It costs a little more as you have to pay for their visa but the two Thai ladies we interviewed couldn’t speak a word of English.

Hi nanny is about 50 and not particularly pretty. Definitely a nanny (not manny) though!