What would you do:

A very close cousin of the missus has a daughter (18yrs) whose about to have her first child with a total **** of a boyfriend. The cousin agreed a while back to buy a load of baby stuff off us (basically the first 6 months worth of kit/equipment/toys/clothes etc) but has since split with her own partner and been hit with a load of bills that she now needs to spend all her savings on. So she can no longer afford to buy the baby gear.

The missus now wants to give her the stuff. We’re talking about £400+ worth (nearly £1500 RRP), and that’s money we also need. Now, said cousin is a very decent woman – just a shame her now-ex has always been a **** and won’t fund anything. Plus their daughter and boyfriend are living at home and contributing nothing.

Here’s the issue: I want the kid of have at least some kind of start, and if that means getting decent kit/clothing/food/etc then that’s a help. But the boyfriend refuses to work (his parents and siblings have never worked and currently most of them are shacked up in a 5 bed house courtesy of the state). And this is what boils my piss. He expects the system to provide for him and therefore refuses to get a job. And with the cousin on a low income and struggling as it is, there’s the risk of the child losing out.

I want to agree to give them the stuff, but I can see the daughter and boyfriend seeing this as just the beginning, i.e. they’ll mistreat it all (because they don’t treat anything with respect) and then expect us to give them more, i.e. they’ll just keep expecting it to be this easy. And it’ll spiral with the cousin getting grief too. Plus we’d also like the money because it’s £400 whichever way you look at it.

Part of me wants to do a deal with the boyfriend along the lines of “You get a job and pay me X and I’ll match it.” I.e. sell it to them for half price. But he’s a real selfish knobber and not the sort to listen to anyone but himself.

What say you?

I say I’ve got lots of different teas…Builders, Ceylon, Assam, Peppermint, Rooibos. And the cafetiere has just been filled. Mrs deadly’s ginger snaps cooled and ready to eat. And off we go.

Don’t do it. He’ll just sell it out from under her anyway.

DD, you want to get in some Smugglers brew from DJ Miles. Makes a right nice cuppa.

What say you?

Is there a summary?

freecycle? pretty sure they baby isnt going to be aware of how old stuff is….

i was brought up in a bin out the back of a charity shop, didnt do me any harm

Why not just give them a few key items to help them out and sell the rest yourselves.

Philby +1

Give em the necessary “basic’s” and sell anything of decent value & put up freecycle advert for ‘basic’ alternatives of stuff they will definitely need, to give to them?
Make it clear you doing this cause he’s a s***bag?

Philby + 2. Give them the basics as a present to the baby then sell the rest on eBay.

And z1ppy + 1 as well, tell them they would have got it all had the boyfriend not been a layabout.

Don’t judge it on if the boyfriend is a layabout. would you give them the stuff if they were “deserving poor”

Why not speak to the kid anyway – you never know he *may* surprise you.

But if it was me I think I would struggle with making the decision – a tricky one.

But if it was me I think I would struggle with making the decision – a tricky one.

We know from your (not exactly dissimilar) thread that you’re a pushover m-f 😀

Yeah good point DD – to be fair to the guy in my experience, he did finally come through and help me with a big garden project earlier this year – although it took much prodding.

🙂

Good to hear…noone is beyond redemption.

To the OP, it’s a tough one – how much do you need the money you can raise from it. Stuff should never be given in expectation of thanks. I have to tell myself that everytime I keep a door open/let someone out of a side-street/get out of someone’s way without being thanked. (but it’s hard)

Hmm, the idea of giving the basic essentials sounds good. Maybe stuff that covers the first couple of months or so.

Although it’s none of my business, I’d like to think the bf can be ‘encouraged’ to behave responsibly. In my book that includes providing for your family. So get a job and you can have the rest of the stuff. But don’t want to cause friction in their household, especially seeing as the cousin takes everything on because nobody else under her roof give a shit about anything.

TJ, I’d look at your example on its own merit. If they were pulling their weight (where necessary) then maybe I’d agree to give them more for free or at least cut a deal somewhere. But the fact they’re more ‘deserving’ would swing greatly in their favour.

spacemonkey – so you are judging them on their degree of “deservingness” not on their or your needs?

If you would give the stuff away to a deserving couple why not this undeserving couple -makes no difference to you – you have still given the stuff away.

I say I’ve got lots of different teas…Builders, Ceylon, Assam, Peppermint, Rooibos. And the cafetiere has just been filled. Mrs deadly’s ginger snaps cooled and ready to eat. And off we go

Hot damn! Lemme grab a bean bag!

If you would give the stuff away to a deserving couple why not this undeserving couple

because he’s perpetuating the cycle?

If you would give the stuff away to a deserving couple why not this undeserving couple -makes no difference to you – you have still given the stuff away.

Nope. Makes a fair amount of difference to me.

Buggeration, agreeing with TJ always brings a bit of sick up…

If you feel you can afford to give it away then just be a man about it and give them the stuff for the good of the child anything else is just petty point scoring.

give them the stuff for the good of the child

Is about as sound advice as you’ll get.

Just give them the stuff with a smile and an open heart, you might be surprised at how good this makes you feel, and it will be good karma.

Sorry OP, I struggle with long sentences… Darcy, can I have a builders tea but in a cup & saucer please?

Ta.

you might be surprised at how good this makes you feel

And it may even make the lad question his own behaviour too and make him come out of the experience a better person?

I’m sorry what is the dilema? We gave all our baby stuff away as it was no use to us and I would never charge family for it at all no way. We still give the clothes away our kids grow out of to friends or relatives as they’re no use to us.

On the other hand, the BF may have done a runner in 6 months leaving the girl and the baby to look after themselves and therefore deserve the stuff more than ever.

Nope. Makes a fair amount of difference to me.

I meant material difference – you have still given away the stuff in return for no money to either the deserving or undeserving couple

when we had our first child our family (and friends) were very supportive and we had offers of baby clothes from all over..

none of our lot are particularly bitter and judgemental or superior though..
which is nice

none of our lot are particularly judgremental or superior though..
which is nice

Is there a smiley for a nod of agreement?

none of our lot are particularly bitter and judgemental or superior though..

But perhaps you do nothing to make people feel that way around you?