y Paul Kavanagh

Dear Westminster,

There was a time when you wooed me. Once you promised me the delights of India and the magic of Hong Kong, but these days all you do is sit on the sofa with your American pal playing war games. You’ve squandered all our money on expensive toys and presents for your mates in the City. Now you tell me you’re cutting the housekeeping money but you’re still buying two aircraft carriers, only there are no planes to put on them. You even had the cheek to tell me you were doing me a favour by letting me assemble the airfix kits. And don’t start me on those bloody submarines.

You treat me like you’re ashamed of me. You never let me leave the house alone. Are you afraid that I’ll say something to embarrass you if I was to meet up with some other countries without you being there? I was really upset when you didn’t let me go to Copenhagen to that workshop on climate change, especially because you know how much work I did installing wind turbines in the back garden and got all those books about tidal energy out the library. It was hurtful and unthinking. Does the term ‘control freak’ mean anything to you?

I always knew you were never faithful. I never mentioned your thing with Wales, you know, the other woman, your kidnap victim from a previous relationship. I was even your biggest supporter when you wanted to start that menage-a-trois with Ireland. You know as well as I do how much that particular little escapade ended up costing in therapy sessions and broken crockery. I can’t believe how naive I was. It’s all water under the bridge now, but I’ll never have a proper relationship with my own family until you stop claiming the right to speak for me.

I bumped into Norway the other day, she’s looking good and doing so well for herself. I remember her when she worked in the fish factory and didn’t have two kroner to rub together, then she divorced Denmark and rushed into that rebound affair with Sweden which ended in tears. Well that’s all changed. She was just popping off to some important do at the UN and was looking very stylish. And there was me in an auld coat and head-scarf like the depressive suicide risk in an Ingmar Bergman movie because you say I can’t afford nice things.
I see the banks are Scottish again. That’s nice. For years you’ve insisted on controlling all the pursestrings, and now the pursestrings are flapping around your ankles like snapped knicker elastic all of a sudden the empty banks are Scottish and a reason I could never look after myself. You’re like a wean that breaks a toy then gives it back saying it was broken when you got it. Funny how you managed to play with the banks for years without noticing how broken they were.

You say the oil money is spent and gone, and you always said that it was never a significant sum anyway. Well now I’ve discovered the truth that you’ve been trying to keep from me for the past 30 years. For all that time you’ve known that I could be very wealthy, but you kept schtum so you could spend the money on things for yourself.

I don’t know what’s more hurtful, the fact that you kept secrets from me and stole from me, or that you didn’t trust me enough to be honest with me in the first place. Just what other dirty little secrets are you keeping? You know what Oprah Winfrey said, when trust breaks down there can be no marriage. You’ve ripped up my trust, thrown it away, and trampled it in the gutter. You’ve only got yourself to blame for that.

Then there was thon weirdo Thatcherism cult you got seduced into joining. You gave away all the family silver and kept chanting that mantra about obeying the market. What a nightmare that was. You went all wild-eyed and starey and really scared me. Remember Jack Nicholson in the Shining? I was Shelley Duvall cowering in terror while you took an axe to everything. I’m still not entirely convinced you’ve got over that little episode, and there is no power on Earth that would force me to endure another bout of it. You’ve not done a great deal to boost my confidence on that score.

I’m under the doctor now. You don’t care, you just mutter about Celts and alcoholism and tell me it’s all my own fault because I’m feeble and useless. But the truth is I have cancer, the media and political parties that you support have turned against my body, poisoning my system. They make me weak and cause me to doubt myself and lose my self-confidence. They eat away at me from within. The doctors have diagnosed it as Unionosis, it’s caused by a loveless and one-sided marriage.

What makes it worse is that it’s you who is feeding the disease. I’m not saying you’re doing it deliberately – that would imply you have a degree of self-awareness I don’t think you’re capable of – but I can’t rid myself of the dark suspicion and you don’t help by refusing to accept that there’s a problem. It keeps me awake at nights and I’ve been drinking more than is good for a person.

All you do is to accuse me of having a chip on my shoulder. Well that’s true, and guess what honey – you put it there. You aren’t just a chip on my shoulder, you’re a whole fish supper with extra sour vinegar all wrapped up in a copy of the Hootsmon. And frankly the fish smells pretty rank. Chip. I’ll gie ye bloody chip.

Anyway, the only cure for Unionosis is to root out the problem at source, and that means leaving you.

We don’t have any reason to stay together. The children are all grown up. Australia and Canada are doing so well for themselves. I used to worry about Canada living in that bad neighbourhood, but he managed to avoid getting led astray by that neighbour of his. Such a sensible and level-headed child. He gets that from me you know. Even little New Zealand has done us proud, and you know how I used to fret about him being so far away with nothing but sheep for company. It’s worked out well for him, and I’ve learned not to judge who the children choose to spend their lives with.

I know you’re angry. No one likes to be told they’re a failure, and it’s hard for you to hear you’ve been a failure as a parliament and a partner. But you react either by screaming abuse at me or by telling me I’m worthless and would fall apart without you. I don’t believe you any more. You’re acting every bit the spurned lover. You’re acting exactly like you’re always accusing France of behaving, and I only broke off my engagement with him because you convinced me he was possessive and jealous.

We’ll always be close, we still share so much and I want us to be friends. But until you can learn to have adult relationships with the other nations in these islands, and treat us like equals and not as your harem, there’s no hope for us and there’s no hope for the people of England. People in England deserve a proper parliament and not the pretendy wee excuse for patronage, privilege and dressing up in fancy costumes that you’ve become. It’s time you got your fat lazy arse up from resting on your Mother of Parliament laurels and went and took a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You’re very good at looking after your own interests, In time you’ll realise that this is in your best interests too.

Meanwhile I’m taking a leaf out of your book and putting my own interests first. So I want a divorce. There, I’ve said it. There’s not much love anymore, I think you know that as well as I do, and it’s time we learned to live our own lives before what’s left of our feelings for one another turn into hate. Being in this marriage has made both of us lose sight of who we are, and we need to find ourselves again. I’ll still stand beside you to defend what we have in common, but I won’t be under your thumb.

xx

Scotland

Forced repatriation as well? 🙄

I struggle with long sentences

It was all going so well until this bit:

treat us like equals and not as your harem

Equals???

soobalias – Member
I struggle with long sentences

Had to google it, but +1 🙄

Off to be another Celtic Tiger eh?”. Don’t blame you. It worked a treat for Ireland

Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out 😀

Bloody Silicone Scots 🙄

Had to google it

+1 😆

but +1

+2

Dear Holyrood,

How about a bit of self-reflection on why after 12 years of the Scottish Parliament and 9 years of fighting Blair’s shitty wars the majority of the Scottish population has no enthusiasm for independence?

Yours aye,

Yourmummouthshire.

He doesn’t speak for all Scots you know. The majority of us are quite happy being both British and Scottish.

Dear Scotland

The real trouble with dwelling on the past is that it is a time that no longer exists. Back when we first got together, we had a much more common need and fewer mouths to feed. You seem to have forgotten how time has changed both our bodies – we are no longer the lithe youth of our yesteryear, but fat and bloated and wheezing as we climb the stairs.

Many of the children may well have left home, but don’t assume all is so rosy with their lives. They need our continued help, too. And none have ver been quite like you, with your wisps of folly and dark, drawn lines across your two eyes.

Yes, you are ill, and yes you do need to breath fresh air, but I cannot see how you will manage it alone. Our lives have become so enmeshed that really we can never separate without the bloodiest of divorces. And I know you no longer have the fight in you.

XX

Westminster

If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you’d find South of the border. 😀

kennyp – Member
He doesn’t speak for all Scots you know. The majority of us are quite happy being both British and Scottish.

No we’re bloody not.

That was quite witty TJ.

Where is Mel Gibson in all this ?

McGlashan cycles to the border…..

From what I remember the last time a poll was done to show the support for a ‘divorce’ the majority of the Scottish population was in favour of retaining the current devolved arrangements.

Other random points about the divorce

– You will end up with your share of the National debt. 10% of the current debt is huge!
– Splitting the armed forces will be a fun exercise. It should be noted that the last time the UK Government reduced the size of the Army the Scottish assembly campaigned for more of the Scottish regiments to be retained. They will be left to the Scottish to fund after the divorce.
– Going by the SNP figures, the income from oil and other taxes should just be enough to cover the expenditure. However the revenue has gone down (recession), expenditure has gone up (recession – again) and oil is running out.
– I assume a newly divorced Scotland would need to apply for membership of the UN, NATO and the EU. This last one could make it very expensive to join.
– Difficult choice – stay with Sterling or move to the Euro. In either case the Scottish Government would have little control on economic policy – which appears to be one of the main arguments being used in favour of devolution.
– Finally if the UK is no longer responsible for Scotland, who will the SNP whinge at when it all goes wrong! At the moment it is all Westminster’s fault.

I know that some small Nations have done very well, Norway is the great example. Some have done less well, remember the Celtic Tiger Ireland and their mates, Iceland. Divorce does not mean that Scotland will become the new Norway – it could easily become the new Ireland.

If only Scotland didn’t depend on those handouts and could afford a place of it’s own. Scotland still lives with mum and isn’t charged bed and board either.

dont do that sadmadalan – thats what he wants.
Now he’s going to wet his little tartan knickers picking spurious holes in your points…

*Sounds of TJ pushing his NHS specs up his nose.
Winds up the nasal whine and off he goes….*

At the risk of Deja vu with TJ:

Don’t worry about the economics. Alex has got it all worked out. He’s going to emulate Ireland and Iceland to create another ‘economic miracle. Here’s one of his many homilies to the Celtic Tiger

WHAT is the way forward for Scotland? What should be our inspiration? And what examples should we follow? First Minister Alex Salmond is in no doubt: Ireland. Though we have heard his endorsement of the “Celtic Tiger” many times before, what made his speech this week in Dublin so singular and defining was its wholehearted embrace of Ireland’s political culture, institutions and social partnership.

In his unqualified praise for all things Irish, here was the sharpest reminder that he is not some disinterested first minister holding together a minority administration in a non-Labour coalition, but a Nationalist whose world view is profoundly and fundamentally at odds with the partnership and the institutions we already have.

“I have come to Dublin”, he declared, “to set our aspirations for Scotland’s future… Our aspirations are no different from those that inspired generations of Irish people to independence and prosperity that you enjoy today.”

Erm…. is there now a Plan B then TJ? Haven’t heard the great leader mention one

Things like this really boil my pish, just because you live north (or west for that matter) of an imaginary line and don’t have to pay for prescriptions or uni fees etc, you bang on about being hard done by as if those of us living in England are treated better?!

Where is Mel Gibson in all this ?

I thought TJ was Mel Gibson.

Both about as Scottish as each other.

If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you’d find South of the border.

+1

The irony of it all, that TJ is English…. 😐

The muslamic ray guns must be laughing at us fighting amongst ourselves.

I’d be very interested in this happening just to see what the criteria for being ‘Scottish’ would be.
Born there, lived there, supports the rugby team, seen Braveheart ?

I also guess that any expat Scots living/working in England would then have the choice of going ‘home’ and being a Scot or staying put and having nothing to do with it.

If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you’d find South of the border.

+1

Never happen. SNP only got in as a protest vote against Labour, and Scots just couldn’t bring themselves to vote Tory.

Now that the point has been made and the SNP have been shown up as nincompoops hopefully we might get a sensible election result ?

Criteria for being scottish, well living in the Bahamas seems surprisingly relevant if you have a lot to say about independence

(Sean) Connery (will celebrate his 80th birthday with a party this evening surrounded by friends and family at his home in Lyford Cay, the private gated community in the Bahamas where his neighbours include hedge fund managers, shipping tycoons, and CEOs

isnt there oil in scotland?

5thElefant – Member
If you want Scottish independence you need to get the English to vote for it. You might be surprised how much more enthusiasm you’d find South of the border

Although it’s not going to happen, let’s play in TJ-land a little longer…….

……would be most amusing if there was a vote and the ‘independence’ came from the overwhelming vote of the English to dissolve the Union whilst the majority of Scots wanted to stay British.

More like an eviction than a revolution 😆

Irish_AL – Member
isnt there oil in scotland?

Only in the chip pans…..

isnt there oil in scotland?

Depends whether the Shetland Islands wish to retain their loyalty to the UK, or to Scotland. I assume they will be given the choice?

lol my mistake soz 😆

Oh the little Englanders with their ignorant and stupid comments. You make me laugh.

All that piffle you drone on about has answers to it if you cared to listen and read. Still don’t let a mildly humorous piece on independence stop you from your ill informed rants.

The oil belongs to Scotland – that is a fact. The people of Scotland are the people who live here and those with ties to the country etc etc.

This TJ fellow, is he:

A) Scottish (by which I mean SCOTTISH, the international word for Scottish to be employed when describing people who are Scottish)
B) English

I’m curious.

Oh the little Englanders with their ignorant and stupid comments. You make me laugh.

I was waiting for that 😉

We need to put together TJ Bingo I reckon.

The people of Scotland are the people who live here and those with ties to the country etc etc.

So you live there but have no ties to the country, English or Scot

and no need for the derogatory language, this was a good light hearted thread until you came back with the racist insults 🙄

This TJ fellow, is he:

A) Scottish (by which I mean SCOTTISH, the international word for Scottish to be employed when describing people who are Scottish)
B) English

C) Troll and WUM

Little englander is not a racist insult – showing your ignorance again 🙄

BINGO!