In short, one of our kids' behaviour is becoming so disruptive it is threatening my wife's ability to hold down her job. Our child won't get out of bed in the mornings and refuises to get dressed etc. This makes the wife late for work and she is now struggling with her workload.

I have to leave home at 7am ish every day as I have a long commute and don't get home until around 7.30pm.

As my wife is the main breadwinner I'm seriously thinking about abandoning my career for a year or so and taking a less well paid job nearer home to have more input at home.

Has anyone had similar behavioural problems to put up with and any tips would be gratefully received?!

Just give your child a smack round the back of the legs if it refuses to do what you want it to

how old is he / she?

ye need an age

Give yourself another half hour & start by going into his room & taking away the bed clothes
Tell him you'll [or your wife] will stop doing it when he starts cooperating
I'd also remove or disable all TVs & game consoles etc. from his room until he behaved

I can only imagine what my mum would have done if I'd played up like that…..

a good leg slapping always worked for me as a kid.

how about making the child get up and get dressed with you for a week or two?

(It also helps to have as much ready the night before – school bags, clothes etc)

There's some american guy behind an approach called "collaborative problem solving". Whether it would work for you / sprog / situation dunno.

IIRC there's lots of info about it on a www called something like Think Kids. Google it.

Best of luck, they can be little buggers sometimes 😉

Get yourself a shooter, man.

Super glue their clothes on the night before.

Come down on the kid like a ton of bricks. They catch on quick. Don't want to make any assumptions, but your children are not your friends. They don't have to or need to like you. They do need to respect you.

Seriously, I would think the taking away of luxuries would be a good start point. No TV, no treats (like going to cinema, pizza etc). Ground him / her too.

Is the kid old enough to be left at home alone? Sure there's nothing at school they're avoiding? Same behaviour at the weekend?

Is this something that has happened suddenly or gradually? If it is suddenly then it could be outside factors such as he/she is being bullied at school (assuming your child is school age). There are a host of other factors that can alter a child's behaviour such as allergies. If you don't think it is one of these then as someone else suggested being firm but fair is the way to go. Taking away the child's privileges such as computer/games etc until the behaviour improves. I wouldn't condone any physical punishment at all as violence leads to violence imho.

age is an important factor, in whort my son was a mare, he is now 5 and pretty good, we watched the super nanny programme a lot, and I hate to say their advice works, we used the naughty step and he lost treats and toys if he played up, however the important thing is REWARD and praise good behaviour and when they help, my son now helps clean, tidy and even bath his baby sister, in return we take him nice places and buy him the odd magazine / treats. Its not buying him, he only gets these each week after a nice week of being good. My life is so much nicer, in retrospect we did not praise him when he was good, well not enough, we took it for granted. He even now takes himself to the naughty step to calm down before he blows! now if he is older I can only say take him out for a day and do the not a dad talking to him, more a mate speaking with him and explain how his actions effect you, how it makes you feel… worked with my when I hacke my parents off, never thought how they felt

I definitely think that it would be good if you could give your wife a hand at the time rather than the "wait til your father gets home" scenario. Try getting a local job first before giving up work but obviously that could be very time dependent. Maybe give it a month of looking before moving on to the pack job in first. Be aware that if you resign you may lose some or all of your Jobseekers. It may be worth talking to Jobseekers/CAB first, also have a look online at Directgov, it does have a lot of info. You may get an exemption because of trying to alleviate a family problem. Is your child old enough to understand if you say you are looking to change/finish work to address his/her behaviour. Try to find a child counselling/behaviour service? You may even find some info on that at Directgov.

Best of luck.

whats causing it?

Is the child being bullied at school, or been naughty at school and fearing repercussions?

could it be something worse happening at school or on the way/back from school?

I know they have phases, but there is always some kind of bizarre logic behind their behaviour

I think some tough love is in order as already suggested, take away anything that is precious, mobile phone, TV, game console etc and if he threatens to report you to social service or police when you get strict with him/her ask them to get their coat and you will take them there yourself. Your child needs to learn some boundaries and that their are real consequences for their actions/behaviour.

Sounds like the little sh*t is testing you, we just have to threaten ours with not going to scouts or to be grounded and he soon adjusts his behaviour, we are quite lucky at the moment as he is well behaved and out of the house at 8am to go to school.

AndyRT – Premier Member

whats causing it?

Is the child being bullied at school, or been naughty at school and fearing repercussions?

could it be something worse happening at school or on the way/back from school?

I know they have phases, but there is always some kind of bizarre logic behind their behaviour

That was my first thought when I read the post.

Has anything changed at home recently, that might have unsettled things?

More details, age would be a big help.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beat

On a more serious note. Get up earlier, remove treats, get them to bed earlier and talk to them, find out what on earth they think they are playing at.

Make a game of it would be my advice see who can get dressed the quickest kid or daddy etc etc

Obviously don't hit them as that's just counter productive in this situation. I have slapped my kids but wouldn't in this situation.

I immediately thought "bullying", so it's interesting that so many recommend more of the same 🙁

My daughter is 8.

I don't think she's being bullied. My wife is the principal of her school which is a small rural school. I think if it was going on it would be difficult for the wife to miss it.

I will definitely speak to the wife about this though.

Also shouting, never ever works, ive gone blue in the face trying.. never did damn it! and if he does have issues like being bullied shouting will just make it worse.

If she has a fav hobby or interest, such as biking, cinema etc take her out for a day away from home (the hot spot) have fun and slide into the conversation about whats bothering her, perhaps just spend more time with her! my sons now loves me just sitting down and watching stuff like Shrek, or simple things like sharing some hair gel to make him feel like a grown up,, drawing pictured, cleaning the car, in fact just time together. its usually the small things which will turn it round and have for me.

Give yourself another half hour & start by going into his room & taking away the bed clothes
Tell him you'll [or your wife] will stop doing it when he starts cooperating
I'd also remove or disable all TVs & game consoles etc. from his room until he behaved

Weeellll, you could try and start a war about it or you could try and find out why they're doing it (might not help if they're just bloody lazy ;-)) and deal with that.

Some kids respond to orders, threats, ultimatums, rewards etc. Some don't, if you've tried all that already maybe you need a different approach.

Perhaps she gets verbally bullied by other kids for mummy being the head?

I know we never 'liked' kids whose parents were involved with the school.

get Ceasar Millan to help out like he did with cartman 🙂

My wife is the principal of her school

Bingo, my guess is something has been said amongst her friends [edit] classmates [edit] at school.

Aye, I reckon M-F and ski have it

I'll give my vote to a smack on the ar$e.

Nothing stopped me in my tracks quicker as a child than my mother announcing "wait till your father gets home".

Not that daily beatings were common but the general fear my father could strike into me was enough to ensure compliant behaviour!

*caveat* I have no children.

Firstly I would be looking for the reason why the child is behaving like this. If there has been a change in her behaviour then there is probably a reason for it.

However it would appear to me on the surface that the child is getting away with the behaviour by making our wife late for work. I know what would have happened to me at that age had I refused to get out of bed to go to school. My parents would simply have removed me from the bed by force if needed.

So – establish if there is any reason for the behviour other than sheer cussedness. If not then a tough approach – simply remove the bed covers at getting up time. cold flannel on the face will soon wake them.

Take some time from your work to support your wife – as for flextime / late starts for a week or two.

Get the child up before you leave for work.

http://www.orphanage.org/

shooterman – Member

My daughter is 8.

I don't think she's being bullied. My wife is the principal of her school which is a small rural school. I think if it was going on it would be difficult for the wife to miss it.

I will definitely speak to the wife about this though.

Sorry to say but you may be kidding yourself on that point. My daughter did a placement in a country/small school during her training and was appalled at what goes on. I think your wife may be as you say Too busy to actually notice.

I myself went to a small/country school and suffered bullying as did the teachers kids(for that reason).

Get your daughter into another school.

We also had this problem when our daughter went to secondary school, she was being bullied. We had 2yrs of supervising her into and out of school inc lunch times until the situation got resolved.

She is attention seeking and probably needs you & wife to spend more time with her. I know how much time my daughter spends working at home doing prep work Her Partner is still at college till April and will then start full time working which may then impact on their son, my grandson.

Now that she is a teacher she has become a parent and social workers nightmare due to the problems she suffered at school. She is using those experiences in what she sees and with her head teachers support in a positive way.

You also need to look at the way you and your wife are dealing with the situation and each other eg good cop/bad cop. Who is the soft touch?

I have friends who have 4 kids. Both were teachers. The youngest child attended dads school,small country school, he was HT at the time. Guess which one of the 4 children became the troublesome under achiever ❓

What TJ says.

My grandson is up @ 6am with mum & dad. Nightmare at weekends tho and when he stays with us 😕

Let's for now assume it isn't bullying or school related.

Your wife is headteacher and struggling with her workload – probably flies around in the morning getting stuff ready with little time for your daughter.

You go out at 7am and come back at 7:30pm.

It sounds a bit to me that she's attention seeking in any way that she can. It is wilful in that she is deliberately doing it, but she might not have consciously decided to do it. At that age, which is very young still (my first though would have been teenage years) she's just probably glad of the attention even if it is negative.

Suggestion: both you and your wife get up earlier so you can have done the morning chores and preparations before daughter actually needs to get up. Then when she gets up you can maybe sit and have breakfast together, talk, all sorts, before the day has to really begin. Maybe then that hour between getting up and leaving the house could be fun for you all and something she looks forward to?

Would also help if you could get some flexibility in your departure time, even if just for a week or two and then on occasion.

^^^ Good point well made theotherjonv

You generally notice if it is something to do with perhaps bulling, or even just a fallout with friends, and then they start to take sides, so if the change in her behaviour is recent I would try and get to the bottom of it. Take her out over the weekend somewhere nice and try and steer the conversations towards school etc. Is she better behaved at weekends, that may give you a further clue.

Crash test rider speaks the truth.

I have been through a similar scenario with my now 11 year old at a couple of stages, and this philosophy works wonders, however it takes alot of self control from you.

40mpg.. more than a lot, I admit I have a temper, a bad one and I really have to keep working hard at the phylosopy of how to deal with it, my instinct says shout, take stuff away, call him a so and so, walk away, or even have a beer,… why, to make myself feel better, but then its not all about me!. and in the 1st 3 years thats what I did… everything the wrong way! I can only see it now im down the line

Keeping cool, spending time, having fun, rewarding good behavior, doing daft stuff like dancing round the room for no reason, making stuff, getting out the house, doing some sports, swimming, even blob and watch a film together, just spending time made the world of difference… and most of all listening, that super nanny "tosh" as I used to call it has changed my life.. one of the few programmes I have watched and used for the better!