Afternoon all

Just approaching the end of week 4 in my summer job. It’s a relatively high intensity lab/office environment, and I’m one of two people in the office that doesn’t have a PhD. One of the blokes I’m working with has been there for about 8 years and has been acting really strangely the past few days, leaving early and making random excuses for disappearing off. Today he approached myself and a fellow undergrad student (the other non-PhD) and told us in a cryptic way that he was really homesick and pretty lonely, hence the weird behaviour. He then opened up a little and went on to explain how nothing in the world seemed fun anymore, and when he laughed he knew he wasn’t actually happy but it was all a big charade (he didn’t put it quite like that, I’m paraphrasing). His job is one in which he largely works alone as an expert in his field; he also lives alone and his family are based in China (we’re in Glasgow). He has literally no hobbies, no friends outside of work and doesn’t want to start doing anything as he feels he’d be lying to himself if he pretended to enjoy something. I feel he’s possibly not getting the support he needs at work, hence why he’s ended up chatting to the new kids on the block about his personal life. Our boss is a good guy (emotionally aware), but is off on holiday for the next two weeks and I’m not sure he knows this situation is ongoing.

We’ve organised a trip out for coffee tomorrow to just chill and chat for a bit, but I’ve a feeling it might be something more than just homesickness – possible depression?

What do I do other than just be friendly and make sure we don’t leave him in the office alone? (sixth floor, and I walked in earlier to find him standing next to an open window “just having a look at the horizon”)

Pole dancing bar ?

You need to have a quiet and quick chat with HR – let them know what is going on and your concerns, especially the window bit.

Get out for some beers? Start up some regular work socials. No-one functions well if all they do is work, especially if away from family.

I should mention, he doesn’t drink alcohol hence the coffee date – would admittedly be easier to loosen him up if he did!

The socials could be non-boozy. Karting, curling etc A bit of active competition?

Sounds like depression, yes.

Bear in mind that when people are depressed they don’t want to do anything, so hobbies etc go out of the window.

Yeah, fortunately/unfortunately I’ve had quite a bit of exposure to depression as my wife has been through several nasty patches with it. He’s an extremely logically minded bloke, so he’s doing exactly what I did with my wife and trying to work out reasoning as to why it’s happening which obviously will get him nowhere.

We’re thinking about suggesting chess clubs etc, but the bloke literally reads maths papers in his spare time for “fun”..

He has literally no hobbies, no friends outside of work

this isn’t abnormal; particulary in a research environment and particulary with chinese people.

it is abnormal on a bike forum and ,imo, not good for mental well being.

just be a mate.

Our boss is a good guy (emotionally aware), but is off on holiday for the next two weeks and I’m not sure he knows this situation is ongoing.

inform him, even via email. he’s the boss and the responsibility doesn;t stop whilst on holiday.

Doesn’t feel like the sort of thing I want to send in an email – would rather convey that face to face to avoid it being on the record. Also myself being a new start it could come across as “I’ve been here for four weeks and already managed to connect with one of your colleagues on an emotional level that I feel you haven’t, so am now updating you on their position and telling you they need support because you’re too out of touch to have noticed”.

Truth is that the boss has been flying all over the continent this past few weeks so hasn’t had the chance to pick up on the fact that the guy probably needs a bit of sick leave to get his head together – then again, he’d be on his own which would only make things worse..

Culturally he is likely to be very different to you/us.

Don’t expect the same responses.

https://www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/selfhelp/

These leaflets seem to be pretty well-regarded by GPs, could be helpful?

Do NOT go to HR. I’ve worked in some places where HR are just that, managers of the human resources, not people*. You mentioning that could go on his file as “colleagues expressing concerns…”

Talk to him, go for coffee, make yourself available to listen. All invaluable but don’t to go HR behind his back, it could make him feel worse.

*I’ve also worked with HR professionals who are truly amazing people and really want to help.

Get him doing something that involves moving around to stimulate endorphin release and distraction: solvitur ambulando!

He’s been firing out on walks every fifteen/twenty minutes looking pretty distressed; I managed to time my water bottle fill-up with him being out and had a quick chat with him just now, asking how he’s doing. “Not so good, not great” was the reply, so I’ve suggested he might be as well heading home early today to give his head some space. Don’t know if that’s the right thing to suggest as tbh he’s got more company here than anywhere else, but I think just now it’s specifically China (and his family) that he’s missing. Feel a little bit useless, not going to lie.

but I think just now it’s specifically China (and his family) that he’s missing. Feel a little bit useless, not going to lie.

decent chinese restaurant? my chinese collegues love to educate us on the food, where it’s from the history, the culture etc.

Casino?

Glasgow casinos are usually stuffed full of Chinese mathematicians.

He’d fit right in.

decent chinese restaurant? my chinese collegues love to educate us on the food, where it’s from the history, the culture etc.

Might not be an awful idea. Will suggest it tomorrow over coffee.

China (and his family)

Parents and brothers and sisters or wife and kids?

We had a Chinese Phd student whose Husband divorced her while she was on a multiyear study/work placement with us. That was not fun for anyone.

Talk to him about his home and his family. Try to get him reliving happy memories and then maybe more positive feelings and hopes.

Nothing can be done by HR etc …

He has three choices:

1. Tough it out by enduring the loneliness because he wants the money.

Or

2. Bring his family over

Or

3. Work in China.

I am an oversea Chinese (technical term referring to non-mainland Chinese) and I also know many Chinese from all over the world.

To us (Chinese all over) his feeling is normal.

Most of the Chinese I know choose option 2.

Talk to him about his home and his family. Try to get him reliving happy memories and then maybe more positive feelings and hopes.

Thing is, whenever we talk about China etc he gets a little emotional and then auto shuts down – I don’t think he’s used to allowing his emotions to show, so he just hides from it as much as is possible.

Seems like he’s just having an exceptionally bad day – just reminded him that tomorrow is a half day and that we’re going for coffee, he seemed to cheer up a little, but he’s still moping about the place unsure what to do with himself

Homesickness doesn’t kick in after 8 years. It’s possible that something going on at home is causing him worry but sounds more likely that it’s his life here that’s the problem. I think you’re doing the right sort of thing, best of luck with it.

Talk to him about his home and his family. Try to get him reliving happy memories and then maybe more positive feelings and hopes.

This is a no, no as you will make him feel worst.

Chinese people are very attached (everyone is but culturally slightly different expression) to their family members.

A lot of city’s will maybe have a chinese restaurant which is the one to go for local chinese community, used to be my rule of thumb in a new place was to find the place the chinese themselves frequented even if it was most basic?

If he is a gent who is very learned and scholarly, any decent museums or exhibitions?

Are his family reachable by Skype?

Just random thoughts sorry

thecaptain – Member
Homesickness doesn’t kick in after 8 years.

Try 12 years without going home.

When you got home everyone aged and your town changed.

All your pets died of old aged waiting for you to come home, most of your friends either become fat bar-stewarts or near dying … the conversation is different, more mature but everyone is glad to see each other still alive.

The worst one is the price noddle has tripled and the taste quality is shite.

chewkw – useful perspective, thanks! He did mention that he considered it a normal feeling for a Chinese bloke to get abroad which is interesting.

Looks likes he’s currently tending towards option 1; he says he’s felt like this before when at uni (but not as bad) – he went to uni in China, but still a day’s travel from home, so not as extreme a change as this. Funny that it’s happened 8 years after he moved here though. He’s got 1.5years left before he gets his green card and says he sees himself working here in 10 years time. Don’t know his family situation really, whether they’re too settled over there or too ill/old to move.

He has a cousin visiting next month so I think he’s holding out for that, but he’s also afraid it’ll make it worse as he’s alone and his cousin is married with a kid etc.

Will find out more over coffee. Pretty convinced he’s depressed.

poltheball – Member

They might look quiet but actually they don’t know how to express themselves to others. Chinese people can be rather chatty when with their own pals. Very noisy too … 😆

Chinese people Do Not express their feeling directly coz others Chinese will laugh at them. I mean really laugh at them. Not in the culture.

In the meantime, all you can do is to be his “cheerleader” … you need to think of something … try you best to get him focus on something.

He really needs to go home for a visit … really.

Try 12 years without going home.

Well that’s just stupid unless you don’t actually want to go home. Everyone gets a bit of holiday. We visited the UK about every second year while living in Japan (but were lucky, most of these were business trips). WE certainly met a few expats who were struggling to cope with life in japan, but they were always the short-termers who hadn’t properly settled.

As for cultural differences, the chinese we met there were normal compared to japanese 🙂

All your pets died of old aged waiting for you to come home,

At least you remembered to put some food out for them before you went. Take comfort in that.

Oh ya … the things you can comfort him with: (most Chinese can understand these)

1. Tell him his sacrifice is for his family and children.

2. His children future and money for education.

3. He is a great husband that looks after his family by enduring loneliness for his family greater good.

4. They are all very proud of him.

🙂

Sorry if this sounds patronising, OP, but good on you for caring.

I don’t have much to add, except my best wishes as you try to improve your colleague’s current situation.

martinhutch – Member

All your pets died of old aged waiting for you to come home,

At least you remembered to put some food out for them before you went. Take comfort in that. [/quote] Died of old age, Not starvation … They were overfed. 😆

Oh ya … the things you can comfort him with: (most Chinese can understand these)

1. Tell him his sacrifice is for his family and children.

2. His children future and money for education.

3. He is a great husband that looks after his family by enduring loneliness for his family greater good.

4. They are all very proud of him.

Only problem with that is that he’s single and alone over here – no wife/kids in the picture

Yes and no – like everything it’s a bit more nuanced than that. When I’m down then no I don’t want to go out and do anything and having a schedule of activities is a life saver – I literally force myself to go out sometimes even when I don’t feel like it (occasionally I’m still too down to enjoy myself, but I suspect it’s still preferable to not getting out). However I’d still tend to describe myself as depressed a lot of the time when I’m not having to force myself to go out, it’s just the the depression isn’t totally dominating.

It is all too easy though to get into the spiral of not going out and getting stimulation and then not wanting to go out (especially if one of your other issues is social anxiety, as it is for me and I suspect a lot of other depressed people). I was there about 9 months ago, when I’d stopped doing a lot of things that I used to do and sometimes went a week or more without having any meaningful social interaction. It was incredibly hard from there to start anything new to break out of that, but fortunately I got some counselling which gave me enough of a kick to try.

I’m not quite sure what use all of that is – except to show that even for somebody who is depressed it is possible to get into hobbies and interacting with new people given appropriate encouragement. And whilst such social contact certainly isn’t a cure IME, it does help with the symptoms.

poltheball – Member
Only problem with that is that he’s single and alone over here – no wife/kids in the picture

1. Tell him his parents will be proud of him.

2. He will have plenty of money to look after his parents.

3. There will be many women that want to marry him, so no problem finding a wife.

4. His hometown will be very proud of him.

5. When he got all the money and status, he will have a good wife.

😛

If your employer has occupational health / employee support service see if he can get a referral e.g. counselling / talking therapy / NLP – HR would know this.

poltheball – Member

Only problem with that is that he’s single and alone over here – no wife/kids in the picture

There you are. Take him out and get him laid. Job jobbed. 😀

inform him, even via email. he’s the boss and the responsibility doesn;t stop whilst on holiday.

Eeek?!? I never check my email when I’m on holiday coz err it’s a holiday!

Please act and do something. Even if you think you can’t.

A dear friend of mine just put a bag over her head due to depression and she’s never coming back.