Is anyone prepared to admit that they're made a right royal **** up of everything? On a biblical scale? To a point where all you can realistically do is laugh about it?
Have you watched one of your mates throw a hand grenade at their own fragile existance. While you looked on horrified?
Humour me.... I'll compare and contrast and award points
My mate cheated on his missus for about 8 years with 2 different mistresses. His missus is smoking hot as well. He is just an idiot.
Against all the odds they managed to keep it together and now seem happyish.
pigface your mate obviously has a prostigious sexdrive. Most STW'ers struggle to pull themselves.
My mate's squad wiped out a colony of seals (or something like 'em anyway) in the Falklands cos in the dark they looked like blokes that had balaclavas on "and were whispering in Spanish"
Blubber and flippers everywhere apparently
Yep. I basically worried so much about others I forgot to look after myself. I made major life decisions to keep others happy and screwed myself in the process. Now trying to come to terms with it and salvage something.
OP- buggering your life up would be:
Smacking your wife/partner- Police called. Then hitting the bottle bigtime, getting behind the wheel of a car and being caught for drunk driving. Thus loosing family and any sort of job prospect.
I dont think you are anywhere near any of those stages. Man up, there are far far worse people in shit out there 
yep as Hora said, could be worse, you could be him.
No, what have you done?
Will it make me happy or sad to hear?
Hope you sort it out either way, apart from your choice of mate, you always seem OK on here.
Chin up and all that.
I seem to be Binners, if its any consolation short of setting myself alight whilst pouring a glass of water I doubt I could **** things up anymore than I am!!
richc - Memberyep as Hora said, could be worse, you could be him.
As with Dante's seven levels of hell you could be richc, pastey and slight-build with no chance of being laid willingly by anything remotely female 
Nice to know I'm a not on my own. I'm presently surveying the smouldering wreckage
pastey and slight-build
I wish, pasty may'be, but certainly not pastey and slight of build.
How old are you binners? as unless you are in your late fifties, you have a lot more of your life to live. So there is no way you have **** it all up, just a small part hasn't gone to plan.
Got caught smuggling inflatable beachballs did you lad? 
On the plus side I've lost about 2 stone due to the stress. Every cloud eh?
Hmmm were to start lets just say i made a mess of everything relationships money and health, i am now fat, flat boke, single and lonely
anytime anyone gets even remotly close to me now friends or loved ones i instinctivly push them away to the despair of those that really care about me as i am one of the most loving and caring people you will find.
But i am on the mend, sorting debts out, riding again and loosing weight, probably never have a relationship again but you cant have everything. some days i sit here and laugh at just how much of an idiot i have been then go for a ride and make myself feel better.
Binners.
You are in your 30's? Check
Lovely healthy kids? Check
A quantifiable skillset? Check
Do you have a criminal conviction? No.
Do you have a drug addiction? No.
Your on a **** winner mate- things are bad at the moment- but they are bad for most people in a big recession. Look at the positives fella
when im stressed i just eat more, double fail.
if i couldnt eat when stressed id be a rake..
Mate of mine married a bunny boiler.
He was told by all his mates not to do it - we all knew she " had issues" - two years of hell later he is now divorcing. he is a mild chap but with a bit of a temper hidden deep down - she used to enjoy winding him up until he snapped - police called to the flat several times, black eyes each - that sort of thing.
Everyone but him saw it coming.
My mate's squad wiped out a colony of seals (or something like 'em anyway) in the Falklands cos in the dark they looked like blokes that had balaclavas on "and were whispering in Spanish"Blubber and flippers everywhere apparently
Now I do like seals but that's very very funny.
It is funny, but it did bugger up his military career quite dramatically for years. He pretty much breaks down in tears if you clap and make seal noises at him.
Maybe they were American Navy Seals?
igmc.
Yep, the stress induced weight loss is a bonus.
"whispering in Spanish" - love it
An old friend of mine-
Moving to Bangkog, enjoyed the seedier side of life for a few years, meeting a local lady, falling in love, getting her pregnant, do right thing, sorting marriage and UK papers, finding out Kid isnt yours, back to UK, live with parents and becoming medically blind. Discovering ex from school on Fvckbook and moving in with her and her kids.
my best mate from school died, at 21, from bad skag in a public toilet, with his girlfriend,19, leaving behind her 1 year old baby.
**** up.
My mate's squad wiped out a colony of seals (or something like 'em anyway) in the Falklands cos in the dark they looked like blokes that had balaclavas on "and were whispering in Spanish"
Blubber and flippers everywhere apparently
Funniest thing I've read on here in a while!
Just off to swap my coffee stained keyboard with that of an off-work colleague...
Glad to have been of help:)
I got involved with a Woman (enough said at this point really) however I'll go on, Remortgaged my house to pay off her quite considerable personal debt, invited her to live with me even had two children with her. I then ended the relationship with her as i was fed up of constantly fighting and by this time she had acrued another massive debt. She claims half of everything I have worked hard for and pays off said debt then heads off to NZ (her home) with the kids. I follow her to NZ so I can stay in contact with the kids, she refuses me access, claims I'm a paedophile, I'm arrested in a foreign country and bailed no access to the kids. after several months case goes to court. I have to find money for criminal lawyer I'm cleared of all charges and can now proceed with family court proceedings to establish access to my kids, I now have to find money for a family court solicitor. Small amount of contact with kids is established through court, whilst waiting for hearing. 18 months pass we go to court I win shared care. The EX doesn't like this but Judges orders are final (or perhaps not)
Incidently during all this time she's claiming child support from me even though she won't let me see the children.
Ex then(falsely) accuses me of assaulting her (this is her way around the judges final orders) NZ has a huge domestic violence problem and government has campaigned for years on zero tolerance, Important also to note at this point that NZ has no equivalent of the CPS in the UK and cases will be heard in court regardless of the quality/reliability of any evidence.
Anyway so the case regarding child access is re-opened, I have to find criminal lawyer again we go to court, I'm cleared of any criminal wrong doing although same case has to be brought in Family Court. Another anomaly of the NZ system. this hearing has been postponed once and is currently awaiting re:appointment.I'm 40 next year I no longer have any assets, have a huge legal bill and I rent a house which is sparsely furnished with 2nd hand stuff and drive car worth nothing. So in terms of buggering up my life (although strictly speaking it has been done to me) it's not a bad job. what say you?
On the bright side I currently see my kids 6 days out of every fourteen, more in the holidays and I love them and that time like nothing else!
Got jilted at the alter a few years ago, hit the sauce big time, self esteem went through the floor. Stupidly, when she begged me to go back to her, I did because I thought it was easier to salvage the wreckage of my life than rebuild it. How wrong was I???
Pissed my family off and set myself up for years of anguish. Actually married her 2 years ago, found out she couldn't have kids, far too much anger and bitterness to deal with it so moved out earlier this year.
Got a petition for divorce on Monday, I'm surprised none of you have heard the rumours - I'm the biggest b@stard ever to walk the earth. Well, that's basically what the petition says.
So, living in a flat above my office while she lives a relatively comfortable life in my house, with my furniture etc. I'm looking down the barrel of around 8 grand's worth of solicitors bills and a rather drawn out legal fist fight.
And guess what... I've never been happier! There's a new Mrs Our Souls on the scene and she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. So yeah, I've made a right pig's ear of my life, but all I can do is laugh!
Upto my neck in tax debt, loosing a business..cheating on the missus, unable to do my books for fear of owing vat man as well, typical head in the sand syndrome also undergoing tests for a genetic terminal illness to see if I am showing signs yet...other than that life is sweet! 
Ive lost weight fitter and to great sons although one is Autistic and we worry more about his future,but this missus isnt so hostile towards me these days (happy days). Don't get on with my Parents or sister. Other than that life is good.
royston, your side of that story is truly harsh on you. hope you continue to have a great and improving relationship with your kids.
Blimey makes my not being able to afford to buy forks for the bouncy bike seems almost, almost trivial..
There's degrees of up-ballsing aren't there, at different levels of the game. Clearly if you die aged 10 you've ballsed up pretty badly, but the full dramatic potential of a life gone hopelessly wrong isn't there.
With binners, what we're going to hear is that he was a happy child, from a good family, that he went to university, garnered qualifications, fell in love, got married, built up a business doing IT consultancy, loved his bicycles, had beautiful children, stayed fit and healthy, went for long rides with his best friend Hora, loved his mother, kept rabbits on a farm. And. Then. Suddenly. Received a letter out of the blue from someone, telling him that they knew. They knew about the furtive Friday night stops in secluded carparks, the corsets, the fumbled frottage in exchange for cocaine-stained £20 notes in pizza restaurant lavatories, the midget bondage and the cock-rot. And they'll tell. They'll tell his clients, they'll tell his lovely wife, they'll tell his mother, they'll publish a picture book about it aimed at children of the age his are and give it away free in Waterstones at the Arndale. Unless he gives them money. Lots, and lots of money. More money than he can afford. He pays it for a while, doing as they ask. But cracks appear. The cancelled holidays, the presents he can't buy. No more muller light in the fridge. That kind of thing. It starts to spiral out of control. Lying, covering for himself. And then suddenly he snaps...
My mate's squad wiped out a colony of seals (or something like 'em anyway) in the Falklands cos in the dark they looked like blokes that had balaclavas on "and were whispering in Spanish"
So basically they opened fire on sleeping Argies on the beach who didn't return fire?
Nice
Weed. Hmmm, weed is a problem for me. After 15 years of smoking the stuff you'd have thought I'd have grown out of it but it hasn't happened despite all the good intentions.
I somehow managed to **** my hips up at the age of 33 and can no longer ride a bike. Surely thats worse than simple woman trouble?
Royston, what ever happens children are very switched on and know who is a good parent and who is a bad en, if not now they will when they are older.
Fooking grim story but its good you see the pan lids
BigDummy, Binners is a designer not an IT bod. Apart from that....
An old school friend of mine (however I havent seen him for 5 years or so, even though he still lived within a couple of miles of me) was a thoroughly nice and kind, very intelligent and likeable lad. Ended up with a nice partner, was due his first child, nice house in the posh part of town, good job.
However what he also had that not many knew about was some considerable debt and a bird on the side that he had fallen head over heels with. Instead of walking away from his pregnant missus and new baby, and somehow addressing his debt issues, he decided on a rash plan to fake a break in at his own house, and batter his wife to death with a hammer, getting shut of her and claiming life insurance etc.
However he clearly bottled it after the first head blow, she survived as did the baby, he got found out and has just been sentenced to 25 years for attempted murder and attempted child destruction.
Serious lack of rational thought from a guy you'd have unwittingly marked as one of lifes nice guys ! Ending in what could be best described as a life destroying Fudge up of chart topping proportions
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