This is brilliant:

bike shop owner rant

Your page is blocked due to a security policy that prohibits access to category Adult/Sexually Explicit.

What the hell is that link!?

I think some copy and paste may be needed mdb.

allow me:

Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete **** that huffs "Why are there so many people here?"

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

– I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

– Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet
of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your shit out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you **** squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.

– No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

– Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

– If some **** on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

– I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering **** thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:

-If you shitheads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

– Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's shit. It was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still shit, even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows **** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

– You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

– You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

– So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

– I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

– Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are **** AWESOME.

I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!

Yep…seriously funny ..Handsome nowt wrong with it…apart from a bit sweary in places…anyone with biketrade experience will empathise!

What the hell is that link!?

It's Craig's List

you know I think i did most of these when i bought my first bike… 😳

I don't think our work filter likes swearing!

the adult bit is craigs list "casual encounters" section.

Look when you get home, when the wife's not looking….

That is great, cheers !

There's some odd stuff on the craiglist site, I don't think it's that particular ad that's blocked

It's so lovely to hear from someone who enjoys his work!

He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you. 😆

what I mean of course is "look at casual encounters when you get home, when your wife isn't watching what youre doing". Not "look at casual encounters when you get home, when your wife's not also looking at casual encounters". If she usually looks at casual encounters then you need to have a word…

Its all right Stoner I am as yet unmarried and my partner is in France until September. I can look at it too my hearts content!

did anyone ever read the bike engineer from cannondale one …similar veign ..i think it was on bikesnob ny

as yet unmarried

Don't be so bloody fatalistic. It may never happen.

Sharks are indeed awesome.

I lol'd 😆

Brilliant.

It was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's.

😀

mdb

Good rant…

How about this one 😀 …

I've bitten my tongue for months but I can't take it anymore! Everyone has the right to sell their bikes for whatever they want but there needs be a sanity check on those who don't know what they're talking about. I know the economy is bad and you might have found a "jewel" in the rough but for crying out loud – do some research.

The following is a guide for those of you who are absolutely clueless about your garage sale or thrift store finds.

1) Just because your bike was made in Europe doesn't mean you've got a winner. They made alot of junk, too.
2) A low end bike that was $97.00 in 1976 is not magically worth $400.00 now.
3) Adult bikes don't have goosenecks.
4) If we can see that the chain is rusty in the picture, automatically grade the bike as "crappy".
5) If you get asked how many speeds it has and don't know, immediately pull your ad.
6) Telling us that you found it in a barn is not a rationale for you overpricing it.
7) Take the $10 price tag from when it didn't sell at the garage sale off the seat before you take your CL pic and ask $250 for it.
8) "Light and FAST!" . . . o.k., if you say so.
9) Not everything with those cooky, curvy handlebars is a race bike.
10) Don't be offended if someone offers you an insulting amount less than you want for your bike – they're just smarter than you.
11) Tires are tires and wheels are wheels. These terms are not interchangable.
12) Breaks should be referred to as "brakes", petles or petals as "pedals".
13) Your bike was not made by Shimano. I know you saw that name somehwere on it but trust me on this one.
14) Vintage implies it was worth something when it was new, otherwise it's just old.
15) High tensile steel – yeah, they put a sticker on the bike that says it but I wouldn't be bragging about it.
16) And finally – go ahead and repost that 10 speed Huffy every week – no one will tire of its charm. If you're willing to endure the humiliation, we'll be there for you until you reach your target market.

I hope this has cleared up some things for the cycling-challenged sellers.

Great stuff!

He's forgotten the "If you all stopped phoning me every five minutes to ask if your bike's finished yet, it probably would be."

On that really, really riles me is people asking for repairs with new parts being done for "£X all in".

How would you like to do your job, then not get paid for your time AND be payed less than you should have been for the goods you've sold? You wouldn't walk into Comet with a broken Ipod and ask them to fix it for a price you've plucked from your head. They tell you how much it costs, they fix it, you pay them- the same applies in a bike shop. My boss will sack me if I do it for less and I quite like being able to pay for a) my dinner and b) new bike bits. If you want it done cheaper, do it yourself.

And yes, split tyres ARE dangerous and do need replacing. No ifs. No buts. Pay the extra. You'll thank me when your tyres don't blow up throwning you on the ground in front of the number 30 bus while the driver's perving at some girl walking by.

And another thing-

"Oh, it's only a kid's bike, I didn't want to spend that much having it fixed"

Really? OK, spend a little less. The brakes won't work. It won't be safe. It's ok, it's only YOUR CHILD!!!!!

Jesus. H. Christ.

Hooray for ranting, keep it up Rolf. ps, loved you in that ad with the Churchill Dog…… can ya tell what it is yet? 😀

Hooray for ranting, keep it up Rolf. ps, loved you in that ad with the Churchill Dog…… can ya tell what it is yet? 😀

rolfharris – I have found from the other side of the counter that sometimes turning up with cake and beer got repairs done faster – that still work?

Yes. And, in contrast to my rant above, cheaper…

Here's a hint that's very effective-

There's a woman who comes into our shop. She bought a 2K trek off us and she will bring cake. But only on my day off. Or the other mechanic's day off. The salesman gets the cake, and we fix her bike even faster, and for even less, in the hope that we'll get a cake some day.

She buys less cake AND gets her bike sooner.

And the sort of women that ride 2k Treks and need them worked on frequently are normally fairly easy to admire too.

Or Oranges if my wife is reading this

'I saw a bike on your website, I can't remember what it was but it was red, what can you tell me about it?'

I'll be honest igm, I also work faster because she's just a little bit scary.