1. You attend a public house with two other friends, but a mutual friend is already there. Who buys the first round?

2. You are cut up by a 'Chelsea Tractor' driven by a 'yummy mummy', what level of abuse is it acceptable to use if her daughter, aged 12 is in the car with her?

3. Jehovahs witnesses knock on your door, do you ignore them or engage them in conversation?

4. Honour killings; we just don't do that here, ok?

5. At what point does the attempt to save weight on a 30lb mountain bike ridden by a 110kg rider with a camelbak weighing 4kgs by buying titanium or carbon bits become a wee bit foolish?

etc….

Jeremy Clarkson is a) a respected government advisor b) a qualified economist c) a c0ck

•Which avuncular sports presenter was later found to be consorting with prostitutes and snorting coke? Gary Lineker/ Dickie Davis/ Frank Bough/ Jimmy Hill?
•Do chips come with gravy in Ireland/ North England/ London/ Isle of Man?
•Fill in the blank: Monty Python’s [blank] [blank]
•At a pantomime, what is the correct response to a character saying “Oh yes it is”?
•Which is NOT a genuine Enid Blyton group of fictional child detectives? Famous Five/ Five Findouters/ Six Sleuths/ Secret Seven
•How long is drinking-up time?
•Which of these was NOT a Blue Peter presenter? Konnie Huq/ Sophie Ellis Bextor/ John Noakes/ Peter Purves
•When did England last win the World Cup?
•Which of these was never a member of the Beatles? Paul McCartney/ Pete Best/ George Best/ Stu Sutcliffe
•“Neeps and tatties” means what in Scotland? Turnip and potato/ coats and hats/ neat and tidy/ Did you call my pint a pouff?
•Which series is set in Wetherfield/ Albert Square/ Ambridge?
•Which is welsh: Thomas the Tank Engine/ Ivor the Engine?
•Which comedian had “short fat hairy legs”? Bobby Ball/ Syd Little/ Ernie Wise/ Bernard Manning

Pick the most important answer: Germany is…

a) The homeland of Schiller, Goethe and Beethoven.

b) An important trading partner within the EU.

c) A country that we have defeated in two world wars and one world cup.

Crikey,even the Germans know the answer to that question.
Ian

SCIENCE:

– which of these are not accepted units of area measurement?
1) Acres
2) Hectares
3) Wales
4) £2.50
5) Football pitch

– which of these are not accepted units of height measurement?
1) Feet
2) Metres
3) Nelson's column
4) Double decker buses
5) Anthea Turner

– In which field has Professor Stephen Hawkins excelled?
1) Chemistry
2) Biology
3) Physics
4) X-factor
5) Mushroom

Revision:

The song is to the tune of Annie's Song by John Denver[1]:

You fill up my senses
Like a gallon of Magnet
Like a packet of Woodbines
Like a good pinch of snuff
Like a night out in Sheffield
Like a greasy chip butty
Like Sheffield United
Come fill me again….
Na Na Na Naa Naa Naaaaa, ooo!
[edit] Meaning
To a native of Sheffield the words are probably self explanatory; the words celebrate the many pleasures that can be had in Sheffield, culminating in the target of the fan's adoration, Sheffield United.

Magnet refers to John Smith's Magnet, a beer once widely available in Sheffield. Some people claim that the second line is really Like a gallon of maggots. Maggots are obtained from fishing tackle outlets in denominations of imperial pints and hence this version would not be unreasonable, as fishing is popular in the region and hence a gallon of maggots would mean a good day out fishing.
Woodbines refers nostalgically to a once popular brand of strong cigarette.
Snuff is ground tobacco for sniffing up the nose.
A Greasy chip butty can be purchased in any of the many local fish and chip shops. Butty is a slang word for a sandwich, and a chip butty is simply a sandwich where the filling is chips, ideally greasy and sprinkled with salt and vinegar. Generally, a white sandwich bap will be used for the bread. In Sheffield, these are simply known as Breadcakes.