I’m not having a good week. I’ve been served notice on my contract, got 2.5 weeks to run and unconnected my wife has told me she wants to separate, I can either file for divorce, she wont for some reason, or we can agree to live separately in the same house, two young babies/toddlers who I dont want to be parted from. Just need to find out a legal position before I have an appointment soon with a solicitor.

and yes, new profile as I have posted on here a while but dont want to use my other username for privacy.

she wont for some reason

She’s up to something. Don’t do it.

She’s up to something. Don’t do it.

Sadly, probably this.

My 2p – don’t move out of the family home unless you absolutely have to.

IANAL.

I would suggest you all slow down and take a deep breath. Talk to your wife, ask questions if this is a bolt out of the blue, is she feeling out of sorts etc etc. Talk then talk some more.

talking has been exhausted before we got this point sadly.
I have no intention of leaving family home or my kids, they are the most important people in this. She could make life hell living separately in the same house.
I think, might be wrong, that she seems to think the initiator of the divorce largely has to pay the larger costs?

Feel for you mate.
Not normally one to give advice when I don’t know the situation in full, but:
Agree with: don’t move out of the family home unless you absolutely have to.

Live separately in the same house. I’ve done it, it was bearable with the kid there.

two young babies/toddlers

Could Post Natal Depression explain any of this?

I really hate to say this, but a mate was in the same situation. He wouldn’t move out and his barmy wife made his life hell. (E.g she would call the police in the middle of the night and have him arrested).

They separated/ divorced, and once she’d got what she wanted then she wheeled out the bloke she’d been seeing (apparently for a couple of years.)

I know of another similar case with a guy at work.

Tread really carefully. The police & courts always seem to want to believe the wife over the husband.

If it starts to go down that route, keep a diary of it all, record conversations, have witnesses

I really hope I’m wrong.

Best wishes.

Could Post Natal Depression explain any of this

Yes and she was in hospital last year three times because of this but now thinks she has a clear mind and not depressed but still wants this. She is stubborn and would cut her nose off to spite her face, too much pride, doubt she’d back down. I’ve been the nearest, so she has transferred a lot of the reasons from herself to me, typical transference really. BUT and this is important, I know this and cant change this, she wont take my advice for more post natal treatment, her friends and family are a closed avenue, they’ve already chosen sides. I have no power to change or influence her on this. Now I need legal advice.

I am a lawyer did family work ages ago and been through a divorce. The best advise I can give is stop all joint accounts now either freeze them so it takes both signatures to access or close and divide contents . Stop joint credit cards . This is the voice of very bitter experience having said “we are not that sort of people we don’t need to do this ” in my own case. Do not move out unless staying is detrimental to you or your kids . Moving out is tactically prejudicial but that is only about money at the end of the day your happiness and the kids happiness is more important than cash. Go and see a good lawyer who specialises in family work . Expect to pay enough to make you begrudge the bill but it is worthwhile having a good lawyer who will also steer to mediation .

The obvious point is pause try and talk when you are both receptive do not get angry focus on this is and will always be the mother of your children ask her to explain what she wants and listen don’t interrupt or try to argue just listen then work out what you want and if that is realistic.

A few weeks ago, she did rip my dinner plate off my knee and hurl it across the floor breaking the plate and she has threatened my fleet of bikes… the first was a waste of a good kebab -still have a bit of a sense of humor- and the second has meant I have now moved the bikes to a friends and she has no access. They are safe!

Sorry I was typing when you posted your last , If you want legal advise forget here, decide what you want given she has decided and go to a good lawyer .

The costs thing it is largely irrelevant who initiates the divorce. (subject to a few marginal issues.)

crankboy – the joint account is only our bills account, the rest remains separate. I pay into the account and by end of month it is zero balanced. No joint cards. We own 2 places aside from marital home, we both rented out our respective homes when we moved in. married I clearly have some right over her flat and her over my small house, whats your advice on these? what would happen if she re-mortgaged or even sold her flat without my permission, and I guess vice versa?

Just need to find out a legal position before I have an appointment soon with a solicitor.

Not being funny but your solicitor should give you better legal advice than you can get on here.

/\ this(@crankboy) , is good advice in my experience, take sufficient action that you have influence other the way things progress.
I would however be careful staying in the home, if the ladies determined you can be open to all kinds of accusations.

Sounds a really tough situation for you. Is she under the care of a mental health team etc? What is their verdict? Are the children safe in her care?

My ex decided to use the “bills” account for pocket money too and had it way overdrawn before I noticed at which point I went to the building soc to get funds to clear the overdraft to find that looted.

There are a lot of factors at play length of marriage respective needs etc priority will be given to securing the children’s needs . courts would normally aim to achieve a clean break starting point 50 50 division of assets . And maintenance for kids . but staring point is not finishing point and my knowledge on this area of law is well out of date. You sound to bevat least asset rich . get proper paid for legal advise .

Frankly money is a tool and more can be earned . your happienes and your children are the things to focus on.

Mate i knew, worked hard good job,suddenly lost job, went self employed worked silly hours, went home one day and all the furniture had gone, along with wife and kids, she had been to social housing told lies and moved into a new house up the road, took him ages to get access to kids.

Left him with loads of bills etc.Final straw for him was handing house back to mortgage co and 5 years latter recieving a huge demand for mortgage repayment intrest that was totally legal, due to him now working and her being unemployable.

Sounds a really tough situation for you. Is she under the care of a mental health team etc? What is their verdict? Are the children safe in her care?

She was but the NHS suck on mental health as I have found out. it ended November last year, before that she had counselling but it was a fixed length of group sessions. As her nearest and dearest I’m the last person she would take advice from to get help, she’ll think I’m being devious or some such nonsense. And she is still on her anti depressants and other meds.

I do think the children are safe, they weren’t originally but she made great progress on this last year and is a good / attentive / loving mum.

My first priority is to get a new contract, to keep the roof over head – had a lot of medical associated bills last year and spent the savings/safety net I usually have and am just about to pay my tax bill. Gotta get a new contract first and foremost.

I also think I figured out why she wants me to instigate a filing for divorce and leave the house, it ever so slightly shows I want out and she can be squeaky clean in courts saying how she toughed it out. I think courts see it that way, the husband has deserted his wife and kids. All very tactical and beyond my little brain.

People do all sorts of things that can be out of character when they’re not in a good place. Is there anything more that can be done re her mental health even if it means paying for it? Will the mental health people talk to you?

On the positive side it’s good that you feel the children are safe.

Mate, normal rules are now suspended. All previous goodwill counts for nothing. She is going to try and **** you over good and proper.
Believe nothing she says, don’t trust her and say/do nothing until you have (good) legal advice.

Double whammy eh….sorry to hear that.
I agree with what cg said in her first post, if possible.
EDIT
I’ve just read all the thread and it does sound like it’s all done and dusted but I would still try and find a time where you can both sit down and talk without distractions and try and sort it out. Got to be worth a go for the kids sake? Even if you have to do it at Relate……

I don’t want to derail this but why is it you guys always perceive the female as the enemy? Are you not able to look objectively at a situation and be constructive with your remarks?

Apologies to OP, no offence intended obviously.

New patio time.
Edit – sorry OP just trying to lighten the mood, I feel for you big time.

Not all of us cg!

I don’t want to derail this but why is it you guys always perceive the female as the enemy?

Experience. The courts inexplicably favour the woman in these scenarios every single time. Men need to be very careful or will have everything they have taken from them and gifted to the ex. Houses, money and even pensions and future earnings FFS. Personally, I’d pack up and FO abroad if I even got a sniff that this was likely to happen to me.

There is NOTHING wrong in getting a very good lawyer to ensure that you aren’t ripped apart.

Are you not able to look objectively at a situation and be constructive with your remarks?

We can only go with what information is provided.

I don’t want to derail this but why is it you guys always perceive the female as the enemy?

And in a massive turn-up for the books…

New patio time.

😐

@c_g, Posts here can only be taken at face-value, so people have no back-story to go on. I always assume there are three sides to all these marriage breakdown topics. His, hers and somewhere out there beyond all reasoning, the truth. If it was me and I wanted the support of lots of borderline misogynists, despite acting like an arsehole to my wife, I’d come here for some affirmation too.

As night follows day, it’s not going to change. Your continued dilution of the testosterone that smears these threads is always welcome IMO and you shouldn’t stop. One assumes hora will be along soon to recommend one of those knicker-testing kits to she if she’s been shagging someone else.

My apologies to the OP also.

I don’t want to derail this but why is it you guys always perceive the female as the enemy? Are you not able to look objectively at a situation and be constructive with your remarks?

Selective response innit. Some people have an axe to grind obvs.

Most guys will be reading this, feeling sad – but not have anything to offer.

I wish you the best in this difficult situation OP.

My first priority is to get a new contract, to keep the roof over head

It sounds like you have 3 roofs between you; I don’t think that’s the highest priority.

Get proper legal help. Now.

Personally, I’d pack up and FO abroad if I even got a sniff that this was likely to happen to me.

You don’t have kids then?

I know quite a special ‘divorce’ lawyer. Works on conflict resolution rather than helping people seperate acrimoniously. No idea how much but might be worth a go. I can give you details if you want. He’s based in Lincoln and London.

No axe to grind here. I have been around lots of divorces and seen men lose everything and not get access to their kids just because the ex doesn’t want them in their life any more. The way the courts act on this is frankly disgusting. Denial of court ordered access should be criminal.
Also, an accusation of misogyny is inaccurately aimed at me, and there is no evidence that the OP has acted poorly towards his wife so any accusation of such is way out of order.

You don’t have kids then?

I do, biut hwat’s the point ion hanging around and getting had over when you don’t get to see them anyway? That’s what’s happened to nearly every divorcee I know, and happened to my dad too.

Also, an accusation of misogyny is inaccurately aimed at me

Not aimed at you. Don’t be so sensitive petal. 😛

I am going through this now. It is a hard hard situation to be in.

Echoing a lot of what has been said above, most important get to a good solicitor now, do nothing more than that until you have full and proper legal advice.

You must be prepared to stay calm under the most intense provocation, absolutely do not lose control towards her either verbally or otherwise at any time. Expect all communications and I mean all communications (email, text, voice mail, letters etc etc) to be used against you by her legal team and her.
I have learnt over the last year to take a very deep breath step back and consider all and every response I make, act in haste repent at leisure is very true during the divorce process and is definitely worth remembering each time you are provoked.

Always make sure you are positive and supportive, make sure you are seen and are actually genuinely seeking mediation as this process will be the best and most progressive way of getting things sorted. It will if you can get it started and keep it going save both of you a great deal of stress and money, however it will still cost you but as has been said above good reliable legal advice is not cheap.

Your kids as you have said are and will continue to be the most important people in your life, regardless of their age they need both parents to be positive, loving and supportive of them and as hard as it will be sometimes you both need to support each other as parents as this all taken together will mean your kids are likely to come out of it in the best shape possible. Do not no matter how tempting it may be at the time use them in any way to garner points over your wife, easy to say this as sometimes we all make poor decisions. Be prepared however for her to do this to you, its not a certainty but as has been said above people do negative things when they are not in a good place.

Stay strong, honest and continue being a great Dad.

Good luck mate

MUTDZ

I think, might be wrong, that she seems to think the initiator of the divorce largely has to pay the larger costs?

If you both agree to a divorce it can be very cheap and arranged through a single solicitor.

This is what me and my first wife did – cost a few hundred, but we only had one house not three so costs may be greater. Also if you can BOTH keep away from the CSA, do so.

@ granny_ring – sorry, didn’t mean to tar you with the same brush. 😳

@ dd – I agree with you, you’re spot on. 🙂

@ OP – you loved your wife enough to want to have children with her and by the sounds of it the children are close in age. You’ll only get a ‘sticking plaster’ from the NHS which means that your wife should be the best motivated person to get herself better. Except she can’t.

I will leave you with one word – hormones

Its true I didnt give a massive back story when I posted up and you can only go on what I’ve said.

Categorically I can say hand on heart nobody else is involved.

My wife is in a fragile place, she seems to have deferred all the blame on me for actions last year since she was diagnosed as suffering post natal depression. I think they call this transference. I dont believe I’ve done anything wrong, I would do all the same actions the same if it was repeated. I had to make some on the fly decisions regarding her mental health care, making sure the kids were ok, some were like the choice between a bullet in the brain or a glass of poison. Either way I was screwed. But we came through that.. were ok late last year and then it all kicked off running up to the girls christening last weekend. So, in hindsight, I’ve done what I would do again. I said as much and asked her to walk in my shoes for the last year before she has a go.

When we talk, I’m mostly pretty calm, she can verbally insult me and raise my hackles and like most I will defend myself but often will try and take her a step back and away from a the rubbish. Every marriage has arguments and disagreements, these are less important than resolving them and knowing how to fix them. It seems this might be unfixable.

After all is said and done I love my wife, I still do. I love my kids and they are the most important thing. But I have no idea on how to fix this one and seem to be looking to get another solicitor appointment. I had one last year when this kicked off.

Works on conflict resolution rather than helping people separate

russianbob, please, that would be very kind if you could send me their details.

and cg, I’m not trying to slag my wife off, I love her dearly. I see both sides, I read about a lot of men who just vanish when a child arrives and similarly I read a lot about men denied access to their children by mothers. I support neither, mums should allow access to the dads and men shouldnt vanish. children need two loving parents, they may not love each other but should be there for their children.

Love the way these sort of threads take sides then disintegrste into written assaults on either the female or male side folowed by contributors then turning on each other.

Two points people fail to realise there are 4 sides to every relationship split, her side,his side and the truth, and more recently forum posters on what ever forum taking sides without knowing all the facts from both sides and accidently or deliberately making arrows to fire or putting comments/ into situations that dont require them.

Best wishes to the OP and im out as they say on Dragons Den.

Ansd finally without seperatin cases a lot of solicitors and child suport agency wiould be out of work

OP have you tried going to Relate?
Of course it needs both of you to agree to that but I would pursue that before anything else is decided and also get some/more help from the GP/Mental Health Team.
Good luck, hope things get resolved.