“YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? YOU DON’T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.”
WORDS AND PHOTOS BY GORDON ‘EVIL’ STOVIN
Ah yes, the post hoc ergo propter hoc advice that tells you that you’ve gone too far. Like that time you put a custom-painted Whiskey fork on your single speedcross rig and then rode it with a bunch of people on full suspension bikes. All day. Here are my beer choices for when that happens. And remember, when anyone tells you that you’ve gone too far, they are just jealous.
LEMON CHIFFON CRUELLER ALE
Did you get your Giro VR90s custom painted, adorn them with a pom-pom then go ride them in muddy slop? If you are unabashed in your cycling fashion statements (or your name is Tom Hill) then the Lemon Chiffon Crueller Ale by Rogue is for you. From the very pink bottle to the beer that’s inside, this is no shrinking violet. This beer forms part of the Voodoo Doughnut series, which also includes a maple bacon porter (!). It’s from Portland (Oregon not Bill) so don’t be too surprised by a 6.9% beer that contains actual marshmallows and lemon. Dare you drink it? If you are wearing THOSE shoes then I think so. Like your footwear, this beer is a one-off. Just don’t come crying to me when you’re dirty and full of regret afterwards.
SERPENT
Did you set out on a little bikepacking trip one weekend and come home several months later? Hell, are you still on the trail? Literally, in this case. Your beer is the Thornbridge/Brooklyn collaboration, Serpent. Nothing unusual about a collaboration beer you say? I agree. Only, in order to make this transatlantic version of a Belgian style ale you also go and seek out wild cider yeasts in Hereford and barrel age it for over a year before you have any idea what it’s going to end up like. Funky and tart and also quite strong.
CONSECRATION
Are your pre-ride rituals getting a little out of hand? I mean, are you knolling out your clothes beforehand? Do you make the sign of the cross in front of a picture of Tullio Campagnolo before you set off? Have you taken to anointing your ride? Such acts of consecration call for the beer of the same name by Russian River. Aged in Cabernet Sauvignon barrels with added fruit (well, currants). This beer is sour so expect to pay some penance when you drink it and maybe anoint yourself or the bike with the sediment as your worship sees fit.
BROOKLYN BLACK OPS
Have you secretly been building a new ride in your bike cave? Have parcels been arriving from around the world for some time now? Are you keeping it from anyone? Will you deny that it exists to anyone who speaks of it? Your beer is Brooklyn Black Ops. Like your project, it doesn’t exist. If it did it would be a stout, aged in bourbon barrels and re-fermented in the bottle with champagne yeasts. I can neither confirm or deny that I know what this beer tastes like.