I don’t know where the start, been feeling low for a while, normally snap out of it, but this time it’s sticking, can’t explain it just feel lonely, generally fed up of everything.

Morning all…

Giving you all a virtual hug today. Shout up if you hit a low, shout up if you hit a high. We’re here for you

Struggling here too. Currently trying to muster up the energy to get out of bed and go and join my family in Scotland but I’m not sure if I can do it.

Wiggles ygm.

Merry Christmas all.

Good post Houns. My email addy is in my profile if any one needs to chat or just off load.

I’ve been doing a bit better yesterday and today so far.

Grum, I know how you feel, I’ve been like that too. Don’t worry if you can’t make it up, you could always give them a phone a call or something.

Hope you guys are doing OK, I’ve been there a fair few times over the festive period. Make the time to do the things you’ve put off, treat yourself.

I’ve spent some of the last year reading this Book I’m not really one for stuff like this but it’s basically the foundations of CBT, i thought I’d learn it myself rather than paying / waiting for expensive counseling etc.

I also found this helpful, I’d listen to it before going to bed and practice some of the techniques in the morning Nathaniel Brandon

The thing is/was, when you feel low the last thing I found I wanted to do was try new things to get myself out of it as it just felt like I was to far gone/it wouldn’t work/did’nt have the energy, I managed to find these links before I got to far earlier this year, luckily they’ve kept me from going any further and helped me stay away from those thoughts

grum – Member
Struggling here too. Currently trying to muster up the energy to get out of bed and go and join my family in Scotland but I’m not sure if I can do it.

Hope you make it. Merry Christmas Grum.

Another one feeling like a fraud here, but my anxiety levels have been through the roof, and some bad thoughts started creeping in!

After the high of managing to escape the country for 3 days last Christmas, thereby steering completely clear of everyone else’s forced merriment and family expectations, this year has been a massive crash back down to earth sadly!

Sadly in April, I split from my GF of almost 5 years, she was the only one who understood (or at least entertained) my total disdain for Christmas and the expectations my poor excuse for a father attempts to put on me every single year. Just under 3 months ago I met a wonderful new woman (now my current GF) who quite frankly I don’t feel like I deserve, she’s so nice and would do anything for me, but… She does not understand my anxiety here! At 38 she’s one of those insufferable people who still loves Christmas, doesn’t understand why anybody else doesn’t, and has attempted to force her cheer on me! Fortunately, or so I thought, she left on the 23rd to go and be with her parents (2hrs away) for the next few days.

Well after a thoroughly depressing time on the bike yesterday (thumb still causing me all sorts of problems after coming off about 6 weeks ago, and my feet giving me severe gip as it feels like arches are collapsing) where I could hardly hold on to the bars and had to go home after just 9 miles, I’ve woken up today to a load of overly enthusiastic messages from the GF asking “if Santa had been?”

I feel like a right arse, but at the same time I wished she respected my views. She’s left a load of small presents under my bed and inside the cupboard for me! I’ve really struggled with my emotions on this, I know she is only trying to be nice and she obviously really likes me, but I do really struggle with people not respecting my wishes when they are close to me. Anyway…

Far worse than that is my Dad has been trying to give me the guilt trip to get me to go over to his for the day… The whole of the rest of his new family will be there (most of them seem ok to be fair, though I’ve not yet the youngest of his step-children yet) as will my sister. But my Dad likes to ram his forced merriment down my throat too, and then have a go at me for not having fun. He’s also, as I came to realise earlier this year, the most negative influence on my life by some margin (this thread explains it) so the idea of ending up in a fight with my Dad around a load of people I don’t really know fills me with absolute dread!

ARGHHHHH!!!

Messaged the GF, thanked for for the presents (I’m not totally tactless!) though did also say she was a wally for not listening (she has a good sense of humour at least) but said how much I was struggling with anxiety today.

She immediately rang me back! This girl is a cracker fortunately… Anyway, once she’d heard me literally struggling to form sentences down the phone and almost bursting into tears, she apologised for not having realised just how much I struggled with Christmas etc. She even said “next year I’m not leaving you on your own” and I think she may even think about tempering her Christmas enthusiasm! 😆

She did tell me to give my best mate a call though, who I don’t like to bother at Christmas cos I know how hard he has it with his very demanding parents to deal with, and his in-laws too, and 2 young kids that are a proper handful. Anyway, gave me 10mins on the phone and calmed me down a bit and helped me see sense…

The upside is now I decided to do the sensible thing, and stay here on my own. I’m not letting my father’s guilt affect me, which has lifted my mood no end! There’s plenty of TV to watch for once, I’ve actually got food in the fridge for once, and I’ve got 4 bottles of Gin, a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of Port, a nice red wine and loads of cider in too, so I am pretty confident I will be ok until midnight at least! 😉

Only another 6hr45m to go and then it’s all over for another year! Seriously though… I’m doing Christmas abroad again next year, even if it’s on my own and my GF is unhappy about it! It is quite simply the best coping mechanism I have found for dealing with Christmas, and at the end of the day, that’s mostly what life is about isn’t it… Finding coping mechanisms!

Now… To go down A&E now and try to get my feet looked at (I can barely walk right now, even just standing up is quite painful!) or get pissed and wait til Wednesday when the doctor’s surgery will be open again and get an emergency appointment?

Great to hear many others positive stories by the way! Well done chaps.

Just reading this during the post lunch slump and am truly impressed with how everyone on here is able to be honest about things and also how much some of you have been through and have remained able to discuss it and have returned or are returning from what must have been a really dark place.
I wouldn’t say that i have ever had anything on the scale of what has been described here but this thread is truly a tribute to what stw and the real strength of people.

It’s over for another year! Woohoo!

I’m still alive, I didn’t kill anyone, all is good once again… 😀

I had a nice day with the kids and my parents.

But from tomorrow i`ll be on my own from 10am until friday pretty much so got to keep myself busy.

@mboy IIRC you live not too far from me (Worcester area) – want to meet up for a beer/chat? I’ve actually been doing the whole Christmas thing when out and about, which probably says a lot about how much my mood (and confidence levels – I’ve been dressing in a way which people notice and comment on, which I can’t remember ever having the balls to do before) have improved. But more than happy to ignore all that rubbish for a while.

As for Christmas at home, well I was a bit of a grump most of the day, but it went better than I expected. mrs aracer is still a serious joy sponge for me – she did the classic of undercooking the beef so the kids didn’t want to eat it (I normally ask for a rare steak even in France and TBH I’d have cooked it more for me – the last time she undercooked steak was of course the day after I had two teeth extracted 🙄 ) and then getting upset when everybody wasn’t all enthusiastic “I’ve put a lot of effort into this, you should be enjoying it more” (personally I could happily give the whole roast dinner thing a miss and just have a curry on xmas day – the kids would probably appreciate it more, or maybe just do one of their faves like sausages rather than feel we have to do “christmas dinner”!) The thing is, as much as I might have got my head into a better place, it’s reliant on getting out and doing fun things with other people who don’t continually gripe and passive aggressive at me. Enjoyed spending time with my kids, but it’s always a struggle when the other person here sends negative vibes my way the whole time. Didn’t even manage to get out and do any proper exercise today with the weather being a bit grim – though I find in general I’m no longer enthusiastic to go out and exercise by myself in the way I once was, even last Christmas feels a long time ago.

Not all bad though, I thought after my last post on here I was really going to struggle, but went climbing yesterday which always lifts my mood (even if I was a bit rubbish) and also managed to find exactly the s/h phone I was after for a really good price in a shop in town. Felt sufficiently happy yesterday to survive today and weather looks a lot better tomorrow, so I’ll probably go out and ride my big unicycle somewhere I expect to get lots of admiring comments, which is always good for the ego.

Anyway, if I have got it right and you are local to Worcester, then it would do me good to meet up with somebody if you’re up for that mboy.

Cheers Houns, thread of the year?

I’ve really enjoyed Christmas.
The Setraline helps.

Very lucky as I’ve had loads of support from my family, friends and colleagues.

Living in an area with one of the best mental health services in the UK, I’ve been incredibly lucky to receive councilling and ongoing support if required.

And thanks to all of you lot too.

I was hesitant to post about my own issues on here at first, even after seeing the support offered in past threads, but I’m glad I did.

So thanks once again, peace and love to all.

Keep on keeping on people.

This x 1000

I had some properly shit christmas as a child and more than a few lonely, skint ones as a young adult.

I think it now helps me know the real value of friends, free time and security.

It all changes in time IME.

Yesterday turned out fine. Missed not seeing my mum and sister but had a pleasant day. As promised, Mr Pea successfully steered his mother away from her favoured topics of funerals and people she knows who have terminal illnesses.
Didn’t have time for bike riding but managed to get out for one on Christmas Eve anyway.

Glad to read that you’ve made through. Mboy she sounds like a keeper!

My day wasn’t too bad, I was fearing it to be a lot worse. I managed to escape the parents usual stress and bickering in the morning by heading over to see my Nan, after much persuasion I managed to get her in the car and back over to my parents just in time for lunch…. My uncle turned up too, so with him and my Nan (and brother) there I managed to block out the negativity of my parents and distract self from the crap going on in my head.
I did have a bit of a wobble as getting ready for bed, I realised that the ex couldn’t even be bothered to type “Merry Christmas” and hit send. So after everything she’s put me through for last 21 months, and everything I’ve done for her, it just shows the utter contempt she has for me. Thanks.

Anyway, I usually find the next week or two a struggle. Life/routine is in limbo, New Years Eve, weather, festive come down etc etc. I just look forward to normality again.

And to finish this post on a positive note. It was great to see my 9 month old niece yesterday evening, had lots of cuddles and helped her unwrap her presents. Yes my parents may be miserable, negative, passive aggressive so and so’s but the rest of my family is awesome

Anyway, I usually find the next week or two a struggle. Life/routine is in limbo, New Years Eve, weather, festive come down etc etc. I just look forward to normality again.

Be a resser, throw yourself into something new. Personally I’m feeling positive looking forwards, get to meet my mates again on Thursday, and have a kind of invite for NYE which will be the first time in years I’ve not just seen new year in on my own (mrs aracer has gone to bed before midnight for as long as I can remember). Just need to find a drummer for our band as our current one seems to have pulled out…

have a kind of invite for NYE which will be the first time in years I’ve not just seen new year in on my own (mrs aracer has gone to bed before midnight for as long as I can remember).

Mr Pea is the same as Mrs aracer, he hates NYE. I’m not bothered about wild parties but I like being a bit sociable!

Im feeling flat as per usual and somewhat bored but after a stressful year at work im grateful to have a rest.
Other than seeing my sisters family yesterday ive kept my diary clear from family aggrevations.
If my knees are ok i may take a daytrip tomorrow to cambridge.

If my knees are ok i may take a daytrip tomorrow to cambridge.

Shopping? It’ll be carnage, no?

so much to type, but it’s sending my anxiety levels sky high even just trying to start so i’ll just summarise- the last couple of days have been way better than i feared they might have been, but it’s been a massive struggle to put a brave face on at times. and tomorrow is going to be a big test- family gathering at partner’s parents’ house. to say i’m dreading it is an understatement, but as much as she’s pretty understanding and supportive, i can’t say anything to her about my reservations. i’d much rather be out up a hill on a bike on my own, or outside somewhere with my little boy…

can’t even think about NYE. i suspect i’ll explode. just can’t face it at all.

I’ve actually got food in the fridge for once, and I’ve got 4 bottles of Gin, a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of Port, a nice red wine and loads of cider in too, so I am pretty confident I will be ok until midnight at least!

#prayforMBoysHangover

So first day on my own today without the kids went to visit my grandparents which was nice but my gramp is not doing great and saw him cry for the first time in my life….

then came home and just slept the rest of the day… hopefully try to get a bit more done over the next few days

Phew, got through it. After four days on my own, speaking to and seeing no-one, getting deeper and deeper into depression (last night was VERY tough), no amount of CBT thoughts or meditation apps were getting through, I do feel better this morning. Actually got up and ate and showered and dressed and went to the shop, which isn’t much but it’s more than I have been.

Have been on Sertraline since May for depression and anxiety. Was back at the doctor last week to ask if I could come off them as I just cannot get a handle on the anxiety. It feels like I have high base level of ‘nervousness’ so that any little thing can kick it off. Wondered if it might actually be a side-effect from the Sertraline rather than it helping. Hmmm, said the doctor, I think we should increase the dose again and see what happens. Cue more headaches, dizziness, nausea, dark and confused thoughts and barely able to convince myself to get out of bed.

I know I need to get out and try to lose a bit of Winter fat but need can celebrate this mornings small win first.

svladcjelli – I make that 2 wins today, one getting yourself out of bed and the other is feeling good enough to tell us about it.

Everyone wants to lose the Xmas pounds so don’t beat yourself up about that either, I’m sat here home alone but can’t be bothered with being energetic either even though I know I “should”. Fwiw I realised during my counselling that “should” is one of my killer words – why “should” I? Usually it’s my perfect projection of myself giving the real me a hard time and giving the cruel me who hates myself another reason to pick on me. All from one thought. So now I “choose not to” and steer clear of “should”.

Though its not always easy – having got through the whole Xmas charade I’ve now got to face nye with its whole baggage of “should”s as well. Really don’t know what I’m going to do about that.

How are you all going?

Me? Still better than I feared, however I’m craving ‘normality’ and want to get out of this limbo period. Hard to try and keep busy/distracted when there’s nothing to do. Roll on Tuesday!

I’m quite glad of this strange period. For the first time in years I’ve had the whole Xmas break off. It’s been very useful as my mum broke her hip on 23rd December so I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals/talking to care homes/talking to my brother and untangling crossed wires. It’s really weird but this is one of my best Christmases for years.

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

It’s been a tough few weeks here in the King household. We are trying to return to normality after all the turmoil of this year (old thread) and this is the first time we’ve stopped as a family after getting married, our daughter starting school and returning to work.
We finished work early and went to Aviemore for a few days before coming back to Aberdeen for Christmas. My dear old mum and sister came up on Christmas Eve and stayed until 28th (in a hotel) which was nice but slightly stressful cooking for everyone including inlaws but wouldn’t have changed anything.
I have started having getting a few anxiety spikes which seem to have stopped now that I have got my head around what the ‘new normal is’. Whilst physically I feel fine I think we are all suffering from some sort of PTSD. I have a check up next week so discuss the option of getting counseling either via the NHS or private. I’ve also joined a monthly haematology support group for monthly meetings at the local Maggie’s centre. I thought having 3 weeks off would be a hoot but the realization of what we went through this year hasn’t fully gotten out of ours systems.

I`m happy now the kids are back from their trip didn’t deal too well with being on my own for ages (just basically slept and did not a lot else)

had a decent christmas overall so cant complain too much

yeah, not the best of days. we were supposed to head off to see my parents and sister today, for a couple of days, but the weather meant we had to cancel (it’s more complicated than just getting into the car and driving up, we need to put a few other things in place that require planning0. anyway, i was somewhat relying on this change of scenery to help raise spirits, so it’s all a bit shit.

it’s weird, because i’m not blaming anyone else for my mental state, i know it’s down to me and my perception of the world around me, but sometimes i just wish that the people around who think they’re helping by fussing over me at family/social gatherings would just leave me alone and give me the space i need, it’s tough enough actually managing to be there at all without that making it worse but i have no idea how to voice my concerns without them taking it personally, so i just say nothing and get worse still.
the day i was dreading, the family do at partner’s parents house, was worse than i feared. it’s not their fault, not at all- they’re well meaning and far from being bad people in any way, but i just don’t do well in the situations that they all love and wish they’d be more accepting of that at times, instead of trying to force me to fit their idea of who i should be.
anyway, NYE is next up. worst night of the year. tomorrow i will be pressured and harrassed about going to some house or other to pretend i’m comfortable with a load of drunk folk singing and laughing at nothing when i just want to be anywhere most other people aren’t.

Afaik, the meals in the time of Henry viii would have been, by Mr Kiplings standards “exceedingly fruity”

Maybe you need to find a way to integrate apples, hazelnuts, raisins and sultanas, etc into your everyday meals, as a way to perk yourself up.

You’re only going to crave such splendid ‘sweet meats’ anyway.

So better eating something nutritious and fruity than devouring a box of mince pies, no matter how tempting…

Decision made. While mrsp drove 3 hrs to her sister’s this morning I was out on my bike. I’ll now be home alone tonight and opting out of enforced jollity, hopefully getting an early night and a decent sleep (if the earplugs keep the fireworks out) and maybe getting out on the bike again tomorrow morning. There will be some awkwardness when “people” find out about my withdrawal as it goes against their world view but I’m holding on to the thought that secretly some of them wish they could do the same.

I didn’t have a great Christmas Day.
My second one after divorce.

Christmas is very family orientated and when you’re on your own (well, I have a girlfriend but we deliberately keep things casual) it’s a litte tough – you feel like an afterthought.

And, unsurprisingly, I have quite different views and ideas than my family. I realised how much I relied on my ex-wife as someone who understood me in a way others don’t.

So, that was tough. Not awful in the grand scheme of things I guess.

An old friend took his life this last week. He moved back to Aus about 10 years ago but came back this summer for a holiday where we caught up. He really was a top bloke and had a hugely positive impact on my career. Will miss him loads.

Keep talking people, keep talking.

Bit of a crap time NYE…. With a negative depressed mind it’s so easy to look at what went wrong, what you haven’t got etc etc. I’m trying to stay positive and focus on how far I’ve come over the last 20 months, what I’ve been through the last year and I’m still here. Please, any one who is struggling, try and look at your positives and your strengths, try and set some nice, realistic and absolutely selfish goals for 2018. Whether it’s buying a new bike, a bottle of whisky, a holiday etc bloody spoil yourself, you deserve it!

There will be some awkwardness when “people” find out about my withdrawal as it goes against their world view but I’m holding on to the thought that secretly some of them wish they could do the same.

i read somewhere recently that something we should try to do is to not care what others think of us. i try, but it’s bloody difficult.

anyway, had a decent day today, just mostly hanging out with my partner and our son (while her eldest was seeing his dad). now they’ve gone to pick older boy up and off to her sister’s house for a family shindig, while i stay at home, drink ginger beer, watch marvel films then go to bed by 11 most likely. planning on a pre-dawn ride incorporating al fresco breakfast on the trangia, no matter what the weather’s doing. due to my ridiculously bad allergies, we don’t live in the same house which probably (definitely?) makes things tougher, but i just have to keep telling myself its not forever. sounds weird, but i’d give just about anything to have sleepless nights due to the laddo keeping me up but if i tried to spend the night in their house i’d end up hospitalised and unable to breathe…

We finished off the year with a bike ride with friends and will be having a peaceful night in tonight. Planning to make a list of the positive things that happened this year.

Hate NYE. After almost feeling like a fraud on this thread, as I’ve been fine and was actually mostly enjoying life on Thursday and Friday I’ve had a shit weekend. I guess all the negative thoughts and feelings of this time of year all came in together: “are you seeing your family over Christmas?” only my mum which will be 4 hours of driving for not much interaction (she has dementia) and my kids don’t want to come so I’m dreading it, but I have to go because she’s my mum (I do want to see her, but it feels like half an hour is about long enough). That’s all the family I have to visit because my sister doesn’t talk to me.

Of course nothing happened with the “kind of” invite for this evening, so sitting at home on my own in the same way I have for at least the last 10 years. I don’t mind social gatherings, I enjoyed NYE parties and I’d happily go to one with people I know – though I suppose I bottled out of going to something I could have gone to because I was scared of going there and failing to talk to anybody as it would have been lots of people I’ve met without really knowing any of them. If I’d been in a better state of mind I might have plucked up the courage, but genuinely feeling shit today. Though the only thing worse than sitting at home feeling lonely is being surrounded by lots of other people having fun and feeling lonely.

Only just spotted this thread mate, hope things look up for you in the coming year. Be selfish yourself and treat yourself when you get chance mate

One thing I will say and this is a shock even to me is, its good to talk

I’ve always kept things to myself but recently when I was at fire service rehabilitation getting my hip sorted I had the opportunity for a chat with the psyc team I went in for a bit of self referred anger management but it unearthed quite a few things.

I’ve never spoken to anyone about things seen and done in the army or the fire service and most of it is processed and dealt with over time but we had a long chat and somehow we managed to get to a problem I hadn’t realised was a problem it appears I hadn’t put to bed the thought that when my mate died when next to me when still in the army I blamed myself in some way. For what I don’t know but something I did or didn’t, could have couldn’t do. But after talking and crying a whole lot I slept like I’d not slept in years. I’m not 100 percent and never will be with some of the crap in my head but a chat helped more than I could ever have imagined I’d always laughed off the idea tbh as a soft cop out kind of thing but it really really helped

Anyway enough rambling hope next year’s a great one and you know where I am mate.

Avoided this thread when I saw it a few days ago. It’s the shittest time of the year TBH, overdid it on xmas eve and spent most of xmas day worrying about things I might or might not’ve done or said. It’s been downhill since then, have not bothered to check any messages so I don’t have to worry about replying that there’s been a glitch in the matrix and sorry I really don’t want to see you at the moment. Normally I can muster the mental strength but for some reason not this year but at least I get to listen to the music I want to. Roll on 2067 when I won’t be here to endure this shite.