Just venting and reaching out right now for hopefully, some useful 3rd party views that may help me see things a little more clearly than I do right now…

I make no bones about the fact that me and my father have a difficult relationship, anyone who knows me knows that, it won’t come as a shock to anyone. We all have faults, I could sit and write mine down, I’d be here all night! But I also know I’m a grown adult, and I don’t believe I’m even half as bad as he makes me out to be.

Anyway… To cut a long story short, I’m now 37 and have come to the end of my tether with him. He has pretty much never apologised to me (to the point where he refuses to acknowledge any wrong doings, before then accusing me of some of the very criticisms I am levelling at him!) for anything. And I don’t mean in a “sorry son, couldn’t get you the games console you wanted for Christmas” kind of way… I mean in the “sorry son, I shouldn’t have brought my new GF to your mum’s funeral” (9 days after she died, he met new GF within 3 days of her death FFS!) kind of way for starters. The long and the short of it is, he does and always has done what he has felt necessary to satisfy his own personal needs (usually revolving around women and to a lesser extent, booze) and me and my sister always came a distant 2nd place. These days I’ve been an adult for 2 decades, but he is still the one thing in my life that consistently drags me down, and I have realised that I can’t take it any more! He’ll walk into my shop whilst I’m working, accuse me of not doing something which he said he was going to do (he does my books for me at work, or attempts to!), will start a fight with me in front of staff (or even customers!) and then storm off. He’ll spend ages convincing me black is indeed white, til we’re both blue in the face, so much so on occasion I’ve been known just to go along with it and let him have his way and agree that black is white, for him then to change his standpoint and insist that black is of course now black!

Basically he tries to make me feel worthless all the time, and it’s taken til now for me to realise it!

So how do you approach someone like this to get them to stop? Can they stop? Will he ever see what it is he does to me, and begin to understand how angry I am? He flies off the handle at me and says “of course you’re never wrong are you”, but how do I argue with that? I make mistakes all the time, and apologise to people when I have made them if and when they have been affected by said mistakes. My father? Well he’s never made a mistake of course… 🙄

It comes as a major shock to a young lad when his father isn’t quite the superhero of a man that he idolises from a very young age… Don’t get me wrong, I’m some way past that I’m afraid! Right now I’m more concerned with a practical path forwards, short of the two of us battling it out til the death (he’s initiated that one before, sadly me not being a willing participant, it’s a horrific thing to be able to say you owe your life to your little sister who managed to drag him off me whilst he was 80% of the way to successfully strangling me! And no, 15 years on, I’ve still not had an apology for that one), how do I approach him? I’m well aware that I’ve not been pro-active, I’ve let my anger build and build, and right now it it flowing over and I literally can’t speak to him without calling him all the names under the sun. Which is of course counterproductive, because he believes he’s never done anything wrong, and all my anger (which has been pretty well restrained so far) is just white noise to him!

FWIW, I’m 37, he’s 63. In the mistaken belief that all I’m now interested in is any potential inheritance from him, he frequently uses the passive agressive “well you won’t get any inheritance from me if you carry on like this” arguments as if it will hold any power over me (I couldn’t care if he had £5 or £5million for me to inherit, money doesn’t drive me in the slightest). I would dearly like to fix things (if at all possible) and have a functioning relationship with him, of sorts, before he gets too old, but I’m not playing his mind games! I’ve got my faults for sure, but I also know some of my own strengths, and he’ll consistently make me doubt those and he gives me a huge crisis of self confidence all the time.

So any help/advice gratefully appreciated… What would you call the way he acts towards me? Is it Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Something else? I’d love to understand what it actually is to do some more reading around the subject! Also if you’ve successfully dealt with a parent with similar traits yourself, please describe what worked for you.

I really am all ears, cos otherwise, it’s the last straw which is sadly to cut him out of my life for good!

Just cut off all contact for a while and see if that makes him reset his behaviour.

Print out what you just posted and give it to him.

Sounds like you’re talking to the wrong people.

Sorry for your troubles. You won’t make him ‘stop’ being who he is, but you can and should (no matter if it’s ‘later in the day’) set boundaries.

I’ve had to emotionally detach (not forget about them, just set personal boundaries) from toxic family member/s in recent years and it is a process initially coloured with some level of guilt but someone has to be the ‘adult’ and this very often isn’t a parent. I feel much happier now with 20/20 ’emotional vision’. We become (growing up) ‘accustomed’ to intolerable behaviour whether it’s passive aggression, physical aggression or both.

Time to become unaccustomed and put distance/foot down. Then you can maybe work from there if you are believe that there is a way. But you will get a better look at your relationship (from both sides) from the outside in. Time to get some breathing space. Look at talking to a family counselor.

You might find this an interesting read:

Pathologies of families are carried through the generations until someone (and it’s probably you) decides, “It ends here!!” Somewhere in the midst of your dysfunctional family, you knew in your soul this is not right and it desperately needs to change

I’ve had similar issues with my old man, not quite as extreme but not a million miles off.

Sounds like you need to subtly distance yourself a little bit without making ultimatums and see if he comes round a bit. That will probably mean not relying on things like his doing your books as that could be used as emotional leverage.

i think its time to let him go. it’s not your fault he acts the way he does. and if you think about it, he only treats you like that because you let him. what i mean is im sure you wouldnt let anyone else treat you like that. you’ve done your bit i’d be tempted to cut him off for at least a couple of months

I think you need to stop being reliant on him in any way, that removes a possible source of disagreements. Then you are free to choose if you want him in your life or not. It’s unlikely that he will change his behaviour.

Been there , got the t shirt – step dad plus estranged “father ” give me call if you want to swap stories .

Print out what you just posted and give it to him.

I was going to suggest similar, get something written down pointing out where he has been letting you down. Maybe also work out how you want the relationship to be, give him some guidelines / rules?

Find a new accountant for a start, make a clean break so that work is work and family is family. Let him know that your place of work is off limits for the time being and explain that you need some space.

Take as much time as you need, I suspect he won’t change, but being away from each other may give you both breathing space and a new perspective.

Frankly though if my dad had tried to strangle me like that I think I’d cut him adrift. Easy to say though…

Put some space in your relationship. It’ll help as a starter for ten.

I went for never ever seeing him and refusing to speak to him ever again
YMMV

Been there , got the t shirt – step dad plus estranged “father ” give me call if you want to swap stories .

You don’t tell me where you buried my Dad and I won’t tell you where I buried yours, yeah…? Blood brothers for life! 8)

Print out what you just posted and give it to him.

I pretty much have! I’ve pulled back from heat of the moment arguments as much as I can, and written things down when clear headed and sent them to him. His response is at best “I am sorry you feel that way, but it’s you who is wrong” and at worst “I am not reading that shit if all you’re going to do is have a go at me”…

but someone has to be the ‘adult’ and this very often isn’t a parent.

I’ve been the adult in our relationship since my mum died in 1994 sadly. 23 years later he is not showing any signs of growing up and taking any responsibility for being a parent!

I think you need to stop being reliant on him in any way, that removes a possible source of disagreements.

Completely agree with you, however. There’s no way he will allow that, he’s shrouded my entire business’ finances in mystery, he has some money invested and has taken that as “it’s my business to do what the hell I want with, including hide all financial information from anyone else, and treat those who work in it as my servants to do with as I please”… Basically, I’m screwed in that sense! I either give up everything I’ve worked hard for over the last 4 and a bit years, or kiss his arse is the way he sees it. I’m MUCH closer to giving it all up and walking away than I am to kissing his arse! I’ve been the adult in the relationship and appeased him for all too long, but my back really is broken right now!

A post further up suggested showing him this thread..personally I wouldn’t do that as it would probably antagonize him knowing you had shared your problems on a public forum ..
Ignore him indefinitely ( a couple of months isn’t going to change anything ) and wait for him to initiate contact once again ..then lay it on the line when he does come back ( which he will) as to how things have to be if he wants a relationship to go forward ..
First line of action ..”sack” him from your business.
It wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of this is down to jealousy ..as strange as that may sound .
Hope you can eventually sort things out ..just don’t try for a short easy fix ..its got to hurt him first .
Good luck

Leopards and spots etc.

Frankly though if my dad had tried to strangle me like that I think I’d cut him adrift. Easy to say though…

Didn’t speak properly for about 2 years after this point. He never apologised, I had to be the bigger man about it all!

A few years after that, he begged and twisted my arm for me to come and work for him in a “help me fix turn my business around and in a few years, all this will be yours son” kind of way… I left a job (albeit one I was a little bored with, but I was getting good offers elsewhere) to go and work for him on no more money than I was on before, only for 12 months down the line, when the business hadn’t recovered like he’d hoped it would (despite me having reduced inventory by 40%, and having increased on time in full deliveries from less than 80% to around 95% by making sure the right inventory was on the shelves), I got the blame for much of this and he sacked me (whilst off work with a virus no less!) in preference to making others who weren’t performing at the required level to make the business work effectively (but had worked for him for years) without so much as an apology! Didn’t speak properly for about 3 years after that one either…

Having written this last post I do feel like a right mug right now, it’s not like the guy doesn’t have form! But he’s my Dad… and I keep trying with him, but he won’t try to take any responsibility for anything he’s ever done to me! All I’ve ever wanted was for him to want to be my Dad, nothing else…

All I’ve ever wanted was for him to want to be my Dad, nothing else…

you cannot achieve this

He is an arsehole [ as is mine] and we did not do anything to make them like this nor can we unmake them from this.

As others have said. Stop using him to do your books, give him boundaries explicitly, he breaches those boundaries once more he is out of your life for good.

I’ve read your list but not all the replies. When reading it I suspected it sounded like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is whole a load of useful and informative onto in the net about this.

If you’re convinced it is this then the way to deal with it is to go ‘grey rock’. google is your friend here.

Pm me if you want, I had an ex who I was convinced had NPD and knowledge was the key to recovering from the extreme yet subtle emotional abuse.

****Warning***

Harsh words coming up.

Sack him from the business with immediate effect. Demand all of the accounts from him, or it will be legal proceedings. Make a plan to buy him out of your business within a stated time frame.

Then cut off all personal ties with him.

I’ve never met the bloke, don’t know him from Adam. But I’ve had similar experiences with my own family. A **** is a ****, even if they are your “father”. They can be a **** on their own, there is no place in your life for that kind of relationship.

I would suggest you consider professional counselling for yourself, in order to help yourself come to terms with your relationship with your father and his poor parenting. Once you are in a more secure and settled frame of mind about the past and your relationship with him, it will be much easier for you to decide how you want to deal with your father in future, including whether to have any relationship at all.

If you can come to terms with the fact that he will never be the father that you wanted (and that we all of us deserve), it will be much easier for you to deal with it when he acts badly in future.

Trying instead to fix your relationship with him, instead of fixing yourself as it were, while you are still vulnerable to being manipulated and disappointed, is only going to continue to give him more opportunity to hurt and damage you.

Trying instead to fix your relationship with him

its not in his gift to do this ; he cannot fix it as he is not the problem.

Harsh words coming up.

Sack him from the business with immediate effect. Demand all of the accounts from him, or it will be legal proceedings. Make a plan to buy him out of your business within a stated time frame.

Then cut off all personal ties with him.

This. In short, **** him. I’ve said this before but it’s a lesson I learned far too late in life, life is too short to spend it in the company of arseholes.

Sever ties with him. He clearly thinks (knows) he’s in a position of power over you. If you bin him off, one of two things will happen. 1) he’ll suddenly wise up and realise there will be no-one around to wipe his arse for him in a decade or two, or 2) he’ll not care and be out of your life. Win-win.

Speaking as someone with… daddy issues myself I’d perhaps just highlight, He tried to murder you when you were 17. You owe him nothing. He owes you plenty, but you ain’t gonna get it I’m afraid.

Also, a problem shared is a problem more people have.

(-:

Life’s too short.

My mother is an arsehole, decided enough was enough 9 years ago, decided not to waste any time on her any more. I’ve met her 5 or 6 times at family things, I’m civil to her but really just treat her like someone I’ve never met before, my daughter has asked a few times who she is (she’s 10 now) and I tell her who she is, not hiding anything. She seems okay with this, but one day she’ll ask want to know the whole story and I’ll tell her.

One thing you find out when you grow up is that there’s no such thing as a normal family, in fact a happy extended family is rather rare, and to be cherished.

I’m sure it seems hard to see a way out of the complicated business situation but I think that’s what you need to focus on. There is no way you should be considering that you have to give up your business because of this man. With the additional insight of this information I think you should just exclude him from your life completely. It sounds like he will continue to be spiteful and vindictive, NPD sounds likely or another personality disorder, he is not going to change unless he seeks help himself.

In the same boat with my old man and I only came to my senses about 7 years ago (I’m also 37). Your old man sounds very much like mine, and whilst my mum is still alive, the way in which he treated her was nothing short of appalling.

I still suffer from the criticism I received from him as a child and it’s made relationships a difficult thing for me to master throughout my adult life. Constantly seeking approval, thinking everyone is out to get me, thinking that I’m not good enough for anything. My dad remarried another woman after leaving my mother, who then died from cancer and now he’s shacked up with another woman that he apparently met whilst tending to his 2nd wife’s grave. Nice

I haven’t had contact with him for 7 years now and frankly my life is a lot better off for it. I did try to get in contact with him when he was dealing with his 2nd wife passing, and again when he had to go in for a heart bypass but apparently both times he refused to talk to me and told my brother (who still has contact with him) that he wanted nothing to do with me. He’s also apparently written me out of his will, which I honestly couldn’t give two shits about.

As someone with experience of this, I’d say get him out your life and have nothing to do with him. Nobody wants to be without their parents, but considering what an utter dick mine is it’s the only option and your situation sounds very similar. I’ve sadly got to the point that when he does pop his clogs (and it won’t be long with the amount he drinks) it won’t have much of an effect on me. Knocking the shit out of someone when they’re not big enough to stand up to you, or telling a child that they’re shit and inadequate will do that.

I went for never ever seeing him and refusing to speak to him ever again
YMMV

This. Not seen my father in eight years. My situation is/ was very different to yours though. Last thing I heard is that he is seriously ill. The fact that I don’t care and that doesn’t bother me says it all.

I couldn’t begin to provide any sound advice, but just because a parent is a parent they often don’t operate in Parent mode. Sounds like he is stuck in child mode.

Tell him to **** off… he will want you to wipe his arse (literally) within 10 years and be pleased to do it.

Make a plan to buy him out of your business within a stated time frame.

Then cut off all personal ties with him.
Seems like your only option.
My old man was in a similar position of trying to control me in my early 20’s.
Walked away from the financial help as it just wasn’t worth the grief.
Took him a long time to come round but now we’re both a fair bit older we can be in the same room without all hell breaking loose.
It’d never have happened without me breaking the cycle though.

Sorry OP, TL:DR.

However… we can’t change people or situations, the only thing we can change is our own reactions to them.

Difficult, especially with family issues, but just change the script, change the pattern. You know exactly the likely outcome if you continue to react as you have, and by the sounds of it, you father isn’t wanting to change a thing, so you’ve got to be the adult in the relationship.

Sorry mboy but you can’t change your Dad, it sounds like he’ll never be the parent you wish for.
While I admire the attitude “but he’s my Dad and I want to have a good relationship”, that take 2 people to make it work and he does not appear to think anything is wrong. Honestly, you either have to continue in the same vein as you are and accept it or take steps to get him out of your life. At 63 he is not going to change …..

Agree with a lot above. My Dad had a hell of a childhood. So I make a lot of allowances for him. He was ultra strict and found it hard to show any love. Our relationship is now better as he gets older.
Find another accountant straight away. It seems to me that he requires your attention be it positive or negative, a bit like a child. Don’t fall out with him just pull back a bit. Don’t engage with any negativity from him. Praise the good ignore the bad like you would with a toddler. Sounds simplistic but your roles are reversing and you are becoming the one who will be caring for him over time.

I have a similar dynamic with my stepfather only I keep contact to a minimum.
Except for the handful of occasions each year when I get all sentimental and drop by or send him an email, in the hope that we might be old enough and wise enough to put our differences aside.

It never works out though as we both have a hard wired instinctive response pattern that overwhelms any good intention.
I watch the interactions that I have with my eight year old son, and can already see similar patterns forming.

Instead of ‘sacking’ him retire him initially from the accounts then from any further involvement in the business.

Pretend its on the grounds that he should be slowing down……

It sounds like something needs to change in the relationship, and it’s not going to be him. You need to take some sort of action to separate you two, and unfortunately that sounds like it’s not going to be straightforward due to the business ‘arrangement’ (such as it is).

He needs to be removed from your business, somehow.

The advice to separate your business affairs from others above seems sound and getting the relationship on a lower key footing seems sound. There are some things you don’t need to get wound up about and perhaps shouldn’t:

I mean in the “sorry son, I shouldn’t have brought my new GF to your mum’s funeral” (9 days after she died, he met new GF within 3 days of her death FFS!) kind of way for starters.

If ever my mother goes first and my father does that, I’ll congratulate him/them, give his new partner a warm welcome and wish them both the best.

If ever my mother goes first and my father does that, I’ll congratulate him/them, give his new partner a warm welcome and wish them both the best.

I think most people will think its too soon to get a GF and incredibly inappropriate to turn up with them at yours wives funeral even if you have one – not least if you know your kids will be disappointed by this.

The only friend I know whose parent has found someone else finds it incredibly hurtful as she is still not over her mothers death and a family friend is still not ready to date 4 years after her husbands death.

If ever my mother goes first and my father does that, I’ll congratulate him/them, give his new partner a warm welcome and wish them both the best.

That’ll warm the cockles of your mother’s heart.

Well I can’t speak for my mother but I can for myself. If I drop dead today then madame finding someone else on Wednesday is a much happier prospect than depression, suicide or being misserable for a socially acceptable period of time which on the basis of Junkyars post is counted in years.

I’ll leave it that, I’m out before the character assassination starts. Live and let live.